Have just shouted at my DD - I am officially mean.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

My DD (just 9) is driving me insane, she has a strict teacher who she has worked herself into a frenzy about (she had her last year too) but not enough to actually do her homework or be bothered to hand it in on time if she has.

We had loads of issues last year, I kept having to see the head etc as DD was inconsolable several times following tellings off (not just her) and eventually a demerit for not finishing off set work (that should have been completed in class). She does have dyspraxia and she is allowed to finish uncompleted work at home - she sometimes gets actual homework which is normally a bit of colouring in for RE or History (both taught by this teacher).

She never writes it in her homework diary or leaves her homework diary at school, meaning I cannot read it and encourage her to do the work. She assures me she has none etc

She also assures me that things are fine between her and teacher etc.

But still we get almost weekly late nights of her fretting herself into a frenzy.

Take tonight, bedtime 7.30pm, I can hear her getting in and out of bed, wandering around etc Go up to her on 6 occasions being very understanding, will take her in early so she can sort it out . Some of the gettings out of bed are masked by wanting a drink, she has a full beaker by the bed. Wanting to know what the time is, she has a watch with a light etc.

She says it is a history that she has completed, has been marked but it has fallen out into her desk but she cannot explain why this is making her so anxious, I cannot understand as she says it has been marked.

Next vist same story but it might poss be lost. The reason it isn't stuck properly is because she has run out of glue a few weeks ago, she didn't bring her pencil case home at half term for refilling and didn't think to bring it home at any weekend since. Next visit same story but also there is some RE that may not have been finished she can't remember etc

At 11pm I lost it and shouted, I pointed out that she either needs to get the work done in lesson or write it in her diary and do it at home only - she can make this work, I cannot do it for her. She either needs to do the work or get told off by the teacher, it is completely up to her - she needs to choose. She needs to remember to bring her pencil case or tell me she has run out of glue (3 new pritt sticks in the drawer) so I can give her a new one. She needs to take responsibility or take the punishment and go to sleep NOW!

I now feel like a complete cow, but ye gods I don't know what else to do.

I am going to have to go and see her teacher AGAIN but what do I say?

[Tortington]

sounds like a normal parent thing to do.

tell the teacher you kid is officially a scatter brain. and she needs help at school ensuring the homework is writen in her diary.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

Thank you, that is more generous than I may have been if I was reading my op.

I think that is part of the frustration, I have repeatedly told the school that she needs more support (to write it in her diray) but the school say that now, in yr 4, she needs to become more independant. They are being crap and I know it.

I think I am going to end up moving her as they seem to be consistently crap about this, but cannot face the upheaval and stress (currently going through ed tribunal for DS who has SN)

[Tortington]

dont move her, its only homework - its not important - there are lots of elements to school, learning is a small part of the whole social interaction process and wider learning IMO.

school are being crap and you should address this and tell them that she gets anxious, if they canot put it in her homework diary, you cannot ensure that it has been done, she is a child. childen have other thngson their mind, yours has dyspraxia which makes this even more difficult, a little help would be great from them thanks very much, or else your not going to make homelife difficult and you will start telling your daughter it isn't THAT important that she has to be THIS upset over it on a regular basis.

perhaps agree a day - one day a week where she should have something in her homework diary and then you will know for sure - thee is nothing there wednesday, and perhaps there should be.

i think this is all a conversation with the school. listen homelife is hard enough, i am sure you have a million and one things to juggle, teachers teach, thats what they do. you parent, and the way this is being handled at school is making your daughter unhappy. so get school to come p with a strategy to deal with it. or else tell them you consider homework secondary importance to the emotional and mental wellbeing of your child, and you will insist no homework at all.

[controlfreakyagain]

these organisational problems are part of being dyspraxic probably aren't they? sounds like dd needs proper support and strategies put in place so you / she / school are all working together... sympathise with you losing it..... but school and that teacher in partic. sound crap. a 9 yo shouldnt be having to have such uneccessary anxiety about school imo...

[controlfreakyagain]

if i said the same as custy it must be right!

[NCbirdy]

It sounds normal to me too. Not ideal, not perfect - but then, we are human you know!

Your dd does need more support at school by the sound of it and the school should not be spouting lines at you, each child is an individual and clearly this particular individual needs help with certain things.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate and, I should imagine, did well to make it to 11 without shouting so don't feel too bad and resolve to get back on to the school again about the homework situation - channel your frustration at dd/yourself into action to kick them where they need it (remember the "EVERY CHILD MATTERS" inititive)!

[MarmadukeScarlet]

Custy I am blue in the face with asking for support for her, asking them/suggesting strategies to make her life easier, pointing out the recommendations that the ED Psych made etc Make no difference. I like your final point about insisting on no homework, hopefully this will make them react.

Tis a fee paying school and they just do not seem to want to accomodate any 'differences', I am doing this virtually single handedly as DH works away alot and is happy to leave it to me but I am mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I do not think I will be able to change their attitude which is why I think moving her to a less pressured environment may be the option, which would be sad as her social skills (being dyspraxic) are not 100% and she now has some good friends after much spending time on her own in the playground.

CFA thanks for the sympathy and comments.

[controlfreakyagain]

how very very frustrating. do you think they'd be pleased / upset if you did take her out of there?

if it suits her in many ways surely it's is worth another go talking to them? can you ask for a formal talk with you / dh / teacher / head teacher / any senco... make a list of points you want to discuss and let thwm have these in advance. show thenm you really want to sort this out and expect their help for dd.... ?

[MarmadukeScarlet]

Thanks NC

Do you know what? She is still up! She has just gone in to the loo, probably all those extra drinks of water.

She needs to be at school at 8am to get the work done before lessons start at 8.30am. She is a 11hours+ a night girl, she is going to be so tired tomorrow!

[MarmadukeScarlet]

I didn't shout this time

[controlfreakyagain]

oh dear... but it does show how v anxious she is about all this. poor thing. and poor you of course!

[MarmadukeScarlet]

Yes good idea CFA, I'm a bit too emotianal about it all and end up making irritated phonecalls, sending cross email or getting teary in impromtu meetings.

I will send details of all I need to discuss with them before meeting and tell them I expect a written plan as to what they are going to do for DD following meeting.

DH not really in the country for many days before end of term, so may have to go alone (again, do I sound bitter?).

[controlfreakyagain]

a tad bitter perhaps, but with good reason!

[controlfreakyagain]

a tad bitter perhaps, but with good reason!

[MarmadukeScarlet]

lol, twice as bitter as I thought then!

[controlfreakyagain]

yup. a doublke helping of bitter there! good luck ms.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

Thank you

[cheeset]

I feel so sorry for your DD. I don't think she is intentionally making herself tired. I feel sorry for you too, what a nightmare.

Surely they have to accommodate you as you are fee paying?

[MarmadukeScarlet]

I pay for her to have 30 mins a week with the SENCO, but they do not seem to do much more than that.

The Headmistress and I had quite a ding dong on the phone last year (after a similar DD sleep problem) following an email when I asked sternly to be told which, of he ED psych suggestions of differentiation (not academic, as she is bright) and support were being implimented. She was unable to tell me.

[MarmadukeScarlet]

OK

The meeting was earlier today with form teacher and head mistress, my DH was in the country and came too!! (he is off again tomorrow)

I came on and read this thread through beforeto remind myself of all the good advice you gave me.

Custy, a particular thanks to you. I told them if this continued I would say no homework at home. They countered that this may make DD more anxious. I clarified, 'I don't mean I will stop her from doing any set homework but I will not allow you to set her any'. This was met with a few seconds of silent reflection!

At the end of the meeting DD was brought in to talk to head, as one of the problems is that whenever they ask her if she has any concers she tells them all is fine. Head commented that DD seems to think one has to remain strong and convey that she is coping, putting up a front. I contered this by saying, "She obviously doesn't get it from me." As I had already had tears in my eyes and a red nose! It got worse though when DD started to get upset when talking about the history teacher, a several escaped down my cheeks.

DD told the head that she was scared of the history/re teacher due to a previous demerit given in yr 3. Head has now banned teacher from giving DD a demerit in the whole of yr 4 so DD will not have to worry about getting one.

She has also said DD must not bring any history or RE home, all work must be completed in the 'free work/reading' period that they have after lunch (she normally reads as a bookworm) or in registration/before school.

So, a huge thank you for your support and I hope we may have solved the problem and I will have my happy DD back