What would you do dd had a tantrum and pushed the cat off the back of the sofa and thrown nailvarnish downstairs covering the walls and carpet.

[twinsetandpearls]

Dd just had a fallout with dp, who in my opinion was baiting her. I have not said this to dd.

DD then threw a pencil in a tantrum so I sent her to her room to calm down as could see that a big clash with dp was on its way and both are as stubborn as each other.

On the way out of the room she walked over to the cat picked it up and dropped it onto the sofa. I told her she would not be coming down out of her room tonight.

She then screamed in rage all the way upstairs and threw an opened bottle of nail varnish down the stairs. It is now all over the walls and carpet.

When dd calmed down she said she just gets angry and can't help herself.

She has quite scared me as when I am depressed i have rages and she looked and sounded just like me. I feel so guilty that this is my fault.

WE have just moved and have potentially huge financial problems, this will be adding to dd streess not to mention leaving all her extended famikly and friends. Until recently dp and I were also on the verge of splitting up. Her father has also just left her step mother and her stepbrother.

How do you balance punishing what is naughty with undestanding why she is acting this way.

[Majeika]

Maybe dont punish her on this occasion but tell her that you understand how she feels but that her behaviour is unacceptable and that if we all behaved like this then life would be so much more difficult!

Sounds like she is having a tough time atm and might need more understanding than punishment.

[KatieDD]

How old is she ?
For a start she'd be cleaning the nail polish up, don't you dare do that for her.

[thenewme]

I think if you sort the DP out, your DD will be much better.

Your DP baiting her? How old is he? 12?

[twinsetandpearls]

She is 7.

Dp is cleaning up the polish as it needs to be done right, we are renting this house.

[MmeLindt]

Sounds like she has a lot to deal with and you should tell her that while you understand that she feels upset and unsettled at the moment about all the changes in her life, she still has to stick to the rules of the household.

And make her clean up the mess.

[mysterymoniker]

how is the cat?

[MmeLindt]

Ah, DP is cleaning. That is ok, his punishment for baiting her.

[twinsetandpearls]

I have spoken to dp and he does not see that he did anything and said i am too soft.

He seems to be snapping at her a lot lately, they were talking about which was the highest mountain and disagreed {I know how daft ) but rather than just leave it or look it up which is what i would have done dp kept snapping at her that he was right and she was wrong. IMO he was bickering with her like a child. He said she needs to understand that there are times when she is wrong and an adult is right. I agree but disagree with the way he did it.

[KatieDD]

7 bless her it's all probably too much but she must love the cat and maybe needs a chat about how it's not the bloody cats fault.
I wouldn't be soft on her though, kids had to live through wars and famines and don't get to throw bottles and hurt animals, it's easy to make excuses.
And give your DP what for as well.

[twinsetandpearls]

The cat is fine, it was not hurt, it was a shocked as it rules the house!

As soon as dd left the room I made it clear to dp that i think dd was not totally to blame. I have not said this in front of dd as life is hard enough without her seeing us faling out as well.

[GrimmaTheNome]

Do you have any methods for dealing with your rages you could teach her? If not, maybe you should try to work on it together. Not being particularly prone to them myself I can't offer advice but there must be some things you can do - deep breath out, count to 10...thousand....

You do have to make it clear that mistreating the cat is an absolute no-no. Pushing onto the sofa isn't quite as bad as the title sounded but if it was done in a temper that may be more luck than judgement.

[twinsetandpearls]

I have been up with the cat and she has aplogised to the cat. She is very upset and knows she has done wrong.

This anger is worrying me.

[Acinonyx]

You have a very tolerant cat. N0-one would come out unscarred from that in our house.

[twinsetandpearls]

I have a chat with her about you know that mummy gets angry and things I do to help.

I spoke about keeping a diary which could be her secret where she could write down how she feels. She has shown a real interest in poetry so she said she may write some poems.

We also talked about counting to 10 and I did a calming activity with her that she could use.

[mysterymoniker]

am sure the cat could stick up for her/his? self pretty well if it came to it

maybe this is a good opportunity to get her talking about how she is generally (daughter not cat obviously) - can you do stuff that is good for spending angry energy/lifting mood? like, um, have boxing fight on wii?

[twinsetandpearls]

I have said to her that I could see that Dp was winding her up and that I would talk to him. I did this when I had calmed down with dp though so it was done in a calm way. But I did say to her that in life people will wind us up but we don;t throw things.

To her credit she is up there making dp a birthday card and has wrapped up some of her own things to give dp (it is his birthday tomorrow)

Dp thinks he has done nothing wrong and it is all mine and her dads fault.

[twinsetandpearls]

mystery the cat takes no shit so if it was hurt we would have known, but even so she was wrong.

[twinsetandpearls]

But he thinks he was not baiting her, I don't know what to do. Maybe I should have left when I planned to. I will not have anyone upsetting my dd. How can I get dp to see he had a part to play in what happened.

[MmeLindt]

It sounds a bit like he wants your DD to do what she is told without question. The problem is, that kind of parenting went out 30 years ago. We now know that it is important for our children to be able to dicuss and debate with us (even if it drives us mad).

My DH can be a bit like this, but that has to do with his very strict upbringing. There was no discussions in his house, his Dad ruled the roost.

Your DP needs to accept that it is good for your DD to disagree, she is forming her own opinions. You don't want her to be a sheep that just does what everyone else tells her.

[duckyfuzz]

she's young, she's had alot to deal with, he's old enough to know better - remind him he's the adult and shoudln't be getting into such silly arguments with a 7 yo, but also talk to her about managing her anger, give her a cool down option for when she feels like this

[twinsetandpearls]

Do you know sometimes dp is fantastic with dd and she adores him ( he is not her biological father) I have just listened to him talk to dd about what has happened this evening and he was calm, objective and really understood her. But he then came down and said to me well she is angry with you and her father and could not see what he had done himself.

Dp had no upbringing, his parents were alcaholics and in and out of prison so I do know he has no parenting role models, but then again neither do I.

[twinsetandpearls]

I have said your post almost word for word to dp just now duckyfuzzy and he snapped back you need ti stop treating me like one of your pupils.