Am I being overprotective?

[DustyTv]

My mum does a lot for me and helps out a lot, I must say I never ask but I am ALWAYS very grateful to her for her help.

But there are a couple of things bothering me, the main one is that my mum makes me feel guilty that she doesn't have DD on her own a lot of the time and that I am with her when she does see DD IYSWIM.

Mum seems to think that I am crazy for not wanting more time away from DD . I am a SAHM so there really is no need for my mum to babysit DD all the time.

I love being with DD, we do all sorts in the week and keep ourselves busy and entertained, DD and I really enjoy it.

Mum says that I am overprotective because I wont let her babysit DD, but it is not that I wont let her it is that I never have any need of her babysitting DD IYSWIM.

I have gone out of my way to involve my mum and to give her one on one time with DD at least once a week, but she gets all short with me because she doesn't want to do certain things with DD.

I now feel like I am being nurotic and overprotective towards DD.

I do go out and I do have time to myself, DH uses this time to have time with DD on his own, which I think is more important tahn my mum having DD IYSWIM, but mum disagrees.

Does it sound as if I am being overprotective?

[Overmydeadbody]

No you don't sound overprotective, you just sound like you don't have any need to leave DD alone with your mum.

[constancereader]

No, you don't sound overprotective. It is weird that your mother isn't pleased to see both of you.

[DustyTv]

Thanks, its just it seems to be 'pushing' me and mum apart IYSWIM.
I find myself not wanting to call her and not wanting to get together because all she does is moan about not having DD to herself. Even though I have gone out of my way to let mum have DD at least once a week, but she moans because it is on my terms basically not hers.

[DustyTv]

I know she is please to see me as well but she just says things like "ooh I cant wait to see DGD' and "I never wanted kids, but I am so glad I did otherwise I wouldn't have DGD'. I understand she loves DD to pieces but it hurts me.

[eclectech]

As long as you're letting your Mum and DD spend time together I don't see a problem. Does she think that you don't trust her? Could you pop out for 10 minutes to get a pint of milk or somesuch when she's there so she knows that you do trust her to look after DD but you just don't usually need a babysitter?

[constancereader]

"I never wanted kids, but I am so glad I did otherwise I wouldn't have DGD'. I understand she loves DD to pieces but it hurts me."

That is very upsetting. Have you tried pointing that out to her?

[Sanctuary]

You are not being overprotective
She is your DD not your mums

Sounds a bit like your mum seems to have forgotton that
Of course it will be on your terms not hers

[edam]

"I never wanted kids" is a weird thing for your mother to say to you.

[Grumpalina]

No you don't sound over protective.

The only comment I wondered about is, 'she gets all short with me because she doesn't want to do certain things with DD'. Does this mean when she does have her you give her activities that she should be doing with DD?? I can understand why she would find that a problem.

I think it's more than reasonable that you allow 1:1 time once a week as long as you're not dictating how it's spent.

Is she the only grandchild??

Must admit I'm a bit jealous. I work full time and have no one to babysit for us except my parents who seem to constantly babysit for my nephew despite my sister have lots of alternative sitters. My DP and I have actually taken the afternoon off work so we can go and see a film together!!

[Grumpalina]

x-posted. Read your other posts. She is saying some quite hurtful things.

[eclectech]

Blimey, agree that the 'never wanted kids' is a bit harsh. My approach in these kinds of situations is always brutal honesty. Have you told her how it's making you feel - that you're getting reluctant to call her?

[DustyTv]

Mum gets to see DD everyday in the week while DH is at work, but I have to put my foot down with the weekend as it is not fair on DH to have his MIL here all the time.

Most of the time she gets to see DD I am obviously with DD, but at least once a week I let mum choose to either take DD to her swimming class or to the library (They have a massive toy section for the kids to play with) or to feed the ducks, or even just to sit at home with her and chill out. All mum wants to do with her though is take her for long drives to see people who she hasn't seen for years and years to "show" DD off.

My DD is not some trophy to be shown off to people who even I don't know. I think it is unessecarr (SP?) espaecially when DD could be doing something she likes.

Also I catch my mum calling my dad DD's dad by mistake, and I pull her up on it because it really annoys the hell out of me and she just tells me to stop being so sensitive.

[DustyTv]

My bro and I have always grown up knowing my mum never wanted kids, I have dealt with it now and have come out the otherside. Mum and I are closer for it IYSWIM.

I don't bother to pull her up on it now because she takes no notice, I know she loves me and that is all that I need.

I did put my foot down when I was PG with DD and told mum that if so much as said anything about her not wanting kids to DD or anything along those lines then there would be no way she would have any 1.1 time with her or any subsequent grandchildren.

DD is her only grandchild.

I am very grateful for the help my mum offers, but it does always come at a price, hence the reason I never ask. I did ask once when DD was 6 weeks old, but she never let me forget it and told me she thought I couldn't cope, so I vowed never to ask her again.

My mum is the reason I never went back to work.

[eclectech]

Ah, I'd originally thought she didn't get any time on her own with DD. You sound like you're doing everything you can to be considerate and reasonable to me.

[DustyTv]

What should I do? I don't want fall out with my mum, but I cant see any way forward from this, it's like we are locking horns.

She makes me feel not normal for not wanting more time away from DD But I don't want time away from DD. (Not yet anyway )

[Grumpalina]

Oh v difficult. I think you're being more than reasonable. Only think I could think of a sa compromise is that she has DD one morning a week to do with as she pleases (would limit her taking long drives and if she is desperate for friends to see DD then they would have to come to her)???

I remember my Mum on the first visit I made to see her after DS was born. She came rushing out of the house like Linford christie doing the 100m grabbed DS out of his carseat (I'd hardly turned the ignition off) and ran back in the house hardly aknowledging my presence. When I finally stagged inside with all the paraphanalia I felt required for my PSB I found DS being handed round a room full of people I didn't even know like a prize turkey!!! She was so pleased and proud I didn't have the heart to be annoyed.

[kiddiz]

I think she's looking at your parenting from her point of view. That is a point of view of not wanting children.
"She makes me feel not normal for not wanting more time away from DD But I don't want time away from DD."
But from what you say she would have wanted time way from her babies and perhaps thinks you should be the same.
Sounds to me she's seeing in her grandchild what she never saw in you and your db when you were babies and she wants to turn the clock back hence refering to grandad as dad too. Do you think she now regrets how she felt about having childen?

[DustyTv]

kiddiz, I never looked at it in that way, yes I think you are probably right.

Grumpalina, how about if I give her a morning a week but tell her to stay local if she is going to take DD off to see people. I would be happy with that, its the 30 mile drives that get me.

lol at PSB

[Grumpalina]

Oops. Should have been PFB (although I do have a PSB)!! I took a baby gym and he was only two weeks old!!!

[cantpickyourfamily]

think your mum is in the wrong, not every gandparent gets to see their dd every day during the week, and I think it is unreasonable to take your dd so far away from you when you like her to be near you.

sometimes grand parents try to take over, she had her time of being a mother to her babies and now she needs to settle for being a grand parent.

Also well done for putting your foot down about weekends as it is much more important for your dd to spend time with her dad.

Good luck with it all x x

[dontbitemytoes]

apart from the issues between your mum never having wanted children, i coul have written your post a few months ago! For me, i realised that it was better for me not to see my mum too often (and i went back to work part-time anyway) so i made sure i was often busy with friends or activities (or pretend ones ) and would pop in and see her on my days off for just an hour or so, so she felt like i was making the effort and i felt pleased i had bothered. She then has dd one day per week when i go to work, and she can do what she likes as long as she doesn't travel for more than 30 mins with dd in each direction because otherwise dd sleeps and then can't be put to bed later on...

it depends if this would work for you, it would give you one full day off alone per week and other days without feeling hassled?

i hope you find something that works. xx

[dontbitemytoes]

meant to say, you dont sound over protective to me