I need help. i don't want crticism and people saying "oh well if your son did that it's his own fault" type comments, I need constructive comments and advice

[saltire]

I need to know how to get Ds1 (10) to stop getting so wound up and crying if something goes wrong. I need to know how to tell him to deal with things when a group of his friends are mean to him, and how to deal with one particular child who is, IMO a bullying little toerag (and flame me for daring to call a child a toerag, I don't care, because I have had enough of this) and DS1 comes in the house in floods of tears and wants to go out and throw things at them.

[Majeika]

ohgoodness - I dont know.

Mine are 6 and 3 and ds1 will probably be like this.

I tell him to ignore them but would deal with the bullying. does he have to see the toerag much?

[Teuch]

Is there a 'nice' one (or two) in the group? Can you try and cultivate those friendships a bit more by having them for tea/playdates?

Have you spoken to any of the other parents?

What about getting him a peer group that doesn't involve this group, through a club or something?

[MaureenMLove]

Saltire, there is no easy answer. He's 10 and he will have hormones a-plenty running around in his head atm. DD used to get really angry about things and cry and strop. I used to not try to reason with her. You can't reason with a 10 year old! I just used to tell her to go to her room and calm down. Not in a shouty, telling off way, just calmly, tell her to calm down. Once she had calmed down, I was able to reason a little bit with her. Anything you say to him, whilst he's wound up, will just make it worse, beause, lets face it, mums the enemy too and you have no idea what he's talking about, you're an adult, you've never been 10!

The anger, imho, is totally normal for a child of this age, so please don't worry that its just your son.

[forevercleaning]

just what i was going to ask batters!

[saltire]

Teuch - there are 3 of them, 4 if DS is included. I'll call them huey, Dewy and luey. Huey is a great kid, he and DS1 get on great. Huey has dewy over to stay a lot, and dewy is ok, not entirely sure about him, think he's a bit of a stirrer, but the three of them get on ok. When huey was away last week it was Ds1 and Dewy and everything was fine.
The third child, Leuy, is the toerag. he is the most awful child ever, he has stood on our step and called Dh a wanker, he told me "your son is a wanker and you are a tart".
He was mean to Ds1 and Ds1 called him a lardarse - which is why i posted the comments about not wanting crticism, apparently, according to soem posters on here, DS1 shouldn't have called him a lardarse, even those this child was hitting him.
Anyway, today is the latest instalment. Ds1 goes out to play, Luey isn't always there but is today. he hits DS1, so DS1 hits him back. Ds1 said dewy then kicked him on the willie,and Heuy started throwing sticks at hima nd calling him a retard, and trying to push him off his bike.
now I only have Ds1s word of this, but I believe him, I know what the luey child is capable of, and know that Dewy would also cause trouble and stir things up.
This happens a lot.
Usually Ds1 and Huey fall out, and are best of pals again after 30 mintues, but not when the other 2 are involved.
i tend not to get involved with parents round here if I can help it, after beign called a liar, but not sure how to handle this.

DS1 gets so wound up and cries and I'm sure this is why the others go at him like they do, to make him cry

[saltire]

batters - no they aren't back yet. I ahve made a pint of telling Ds1 to avoid the toerag child at school, he isn't in his class thank goodness

[forevercleaning]

do huey and duey go to the same school as DS?

[filthymindedvixen]

I have just bought a rather useful book called The Unwritten Rules. It is written by 2 child/ed phsyhs and deals with broadly 10 different catatgories of children - eg the short fused child, the vulnerable child, the Little Adult, etc and tells you how to help them understand liufe's unwritten rules. It covers bullying etc, coping strategies. Might be worth seeing if you can get it off amazon 2nd hand.?

[saltire]

They all go to the same school as Ds1, and are all his age, huey and dewy in his class, luey in the other class

[forevercleaning]

so, do these problems only happen outside school. i.e whilst he is there he can play quite happily with other friends.

sorry, just trying to get a clear picture.

[saltire]

So far they ahve only been happening outside school. We have had problems with Ds1s anger, but he was seen byt eh aprental support worker (who of course made out it was our fault) and he has been better. He jsut collapses in floods of tears,a dn these problems are really getting him down as he really likes Huey and they play really well together

[HonoriaGlossop]

I think I might try and invite Huey over on his own for dinner one night a week or something just to try to help their bond along...IME at about ten, eleven, twelve some boys do 'get' the best friend thing....obviously you can only take a horse to water etc but I'd try to do something if this was me to give DS a chance to spend some quality time with the nice one!

Other than that I would be talking to him about not giving them the satisfaction of winding him up to the point of tears. Perhaps talk to him about how he feels just before he cries, so that he can recognise it and try to walk away before it gets to that stage...give him a 'cool' reason, I don't know what's cool but what I mean is rather than just 'running away' he could present it as "I better get home now as mum said I could have half an hour on the Wii" or something.

[3littlefrogs]

Agree with HG.

[saltire]

HG - we have tried that, I just don't know what else to do. His younger brother has sussed out "if I wind him up enough he'll cry" and does it constantly.
The 14year old along the street does it - I've seen him and heard him, but his mum says I'm lying because she asked him and he said no .
Its the smae if he's playing, say footie and things don't go his way, he's in crying his eyes out and wailing.
Neither child has settled here, It's not my fault, alhtough many think it is, because I ahven't either, but this really isn't helping

[southeastastra]

i'd be tempted to chuck a bucket of water over Leuy

[fryalot]

how about something confidence boosting and aggression releasing for your ds? like boxing or tai kwondo lessons?

[saltire]

Also, he and Huey get on great, like I said further down, they play great and he is often in here playing, it seems to be when the other two are around, especially Luey that the trouble starts.
Luey goes to the same rugby as DS2,a dn DH said that Luey takes the ball and won't let anyone else have it and as other children try to grab it off him he calls them shits and wankers and pushes them. he had a right go at Ds2 for not giving him theball,and DH said it took all his self control not to go on the pitch and tell teh child off
Huey and dewys mum feel sorry for him though

[savoycabbage]

HG is right. If I was you I would also try and build up the relationship he has with Dewey. You have already got Huey 'on side' as it were so you need to win this other one. See if you can get your ds and Dewey to do some stuff on their own without poor Huey.

I think I would take the three of then go-karting or something equally fantastic the day before they went back to school.

It must be awful for you too.

[armarda]

I don't think you've got much to lose by speaking to the toerag's parents TBH.

[saltire]

savoy - it is awful.
All I get from DH is comments like "oh well I lived out in the sticks and had no one to play with" or "I was bullied, you get over it" or "I didn't like where I lived, you just have to get on with it" or "I hated school as well, you're not the only one"

[donnie]

he called you a tart???

blinkin eck!

[forevercleaning]

poor you and poor ds.

Been in a very similar situation as you, ds would cry as if it was the end of the world, and lash out because he was so frustrated.

If he tried to be kind to the other kids to fit in, it was heartbreaking to see their rejection. If it is one child on their own with him, he would be fine, but as a crowd, if there was one to be picked on it would be him.

He would be inconsolable, asking why him etc etc. Out probs were school related, so in the end we took him out, as couldnt let him suffer on.

Yours is a difficult situation as it is happening at home, and he has a right to play out just as much as the others. Anyway you can sit out for a while or go for a walk to see what exactly is going on, then you can act swiftly on what you have witnessed, and tell his parents. Shame you DH is not so supportive though.

Our situation improved and although he still cries (11 years old) it is not half as often as before.

[saltire]

He keeps coming down and asking why hueya nd dewl were horrilbe to him, and ganged up on him, and said that he just hit luey becasue he hit him first. he feels as though they should have defended him.

I would leave here tomorrow if I could

[Milliways]

I taught my DS "intelligent" retorts such as "well at least I don't have Halitosis" so they wouldn't know what he was actually saying (there was a whole thread on these once). It worked quite well. Shut them up anyway. They have to see he is not bothered, but that these horrible boys are just being tiresome.

Hard though! Makes you want to throw things at them as well.