Raising Boys - Steve Biddulph.

[VictorianSqualor]

I love it! Thank you for those of you hat recommended it.
It's made me and DP take a look at our relationships with DS and I think without realising I was almost standing in the way of them having a good relationship.

Also looking back we realised that both DP&His brother were bought up this way and this is why though they adore their mum, there isn't the same respect for their Dad which isn't something we want to happen.

The more physical facts, like how/why a boy is less able to 'hold it' when he needs a wee, therefore resulting in more accidents if he waits to finish what he is doing, or the huge 100% increase in testosterone (explaining to DP that when he is desperate for a shag DS is feeling just as strong feelings just on other issues worked a treat).

[spokette]

I bought it as a present for my friend who gave birth to a boy a few months ago because she does not feel confident in raising a boy. Both her and her DH have read it and she now feels that they will be better parents because of it.

I have read it and DH is happy to take my lead on raising our DTS (4yo). I have already suggested that he should go camping with the boys when they are about 6yo but he wants me to come or else it will be too much hard work for him.

[VictorianSqualor]

I'd never really thought about how little I know what it's like to be a male, sounds weird, but I hadn't.

It made me think a lot about what it must be like to be a guy growing up and I really embarrassed DP by asking him about how he learnt about sex and masturbation

[VictorianSqualor]

anyone else read this?

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[lljkk]

This book used to get slagged off a lot on MN (esp. on point about keeping boys under 2 out of nursery). I dunno what I think of it, now. A good start, but there's more to being a boy/man than it can cover?

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[brimfull]

I remember reading that boys get a bit obsessed with their dad's at around 5/6

Definitely true of ds atm,totally totally into dh .
Haven't read it since ds was born when it was all quite irrelevant and a bit vagueish.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[VictorianSqualor]

Pruners Not necessarily reject their mother but look for male influence to learn how to 'be a man' whereas they focus pretty much solely on their mother for any reassurance for the first 5 years.

lljkk Yes, much more I'd assume but I think it gives a great basis for fathers and sons and can help mothers realise where they are going wrong too, I'm certainly guilty of undermining DP's presence, I'd never disagree with him in front of the children but really need to step back more at times and let him deal with things.

I was quite surprised on the sex chapter though, saying you should take your child out for dinner at aged ten and tell them about sex? I think I prefer the drip drip approach with my DC's, they know that me and dp love each other, they know we have a baby, they know how babies are made, I'd hope to be able to teach them about respect in an adult relationship without having to do this meal thing. Did make me think about masturbation though and that it's probably something that should be talked about earlier than we'd necessarily be ready to. Hence asking DP about how it was when he was young and apparently his mum would tell him off, his dad pretend it wasn't happening and he never caught his brother doing the same, or talked about it so thought he was a weirdo!

[VictorianSqualor]

X post.

I think it's preferable to have a child at home for around 2 years if possible, though DS was in nursery by nine months as it's not always practical.

Pruners, it does say they should be able to come and cuddle you even as teenagers.

[threestars]

It's a great book for an overall view, and made me step back from the relationships DS has with his dad and grandfathers, which are very different to the one he has with me (he has less rules with them, so he LOVES spending time with them).

But the dinner and family celebration of their adolescence I really had to take with a pinch of salt. Might work in Steve's family, but most boys of that age would run for the hills, no? It reminded me of the funny parents in Viz magazine. DH says he would have been mortified if his parents had put him through that.

[ELR]

havent read it, but i have just read the secret of happy children by him and its good. got that and more secrets to happy children from book people for 4.99 for both

[Kewcumber]

when does the testosterone bit become relevant (I really should read the book shouldn't I?)

[rookiemater]

I own it, but to be honest as a mum to an under 3 yr old I'm a bit non plussed about it at this stage, perhaps it will be more helpful when he is older.

[VictorianSqualor]

Around three or four Kew.
Their testosterone levels doubles.
Then by about 5 goes back down, then between 11-15 it goes up by 800%

[feetheart]

Mmmmm, 3, better read the book again as DS is 2.9

[Kewcumber]

OK so I have a respite for 6 months or so Bloody hell - its going to get WORSE!

[Mercy]

Does he explain why (some) boys are more clingy and want only mummy (and not daddy) to do things for him?!

I haven't read the book but I keep hearing the same 2 examples beign quoted. Is it really any good?

[VictorianSqualor]

Yep

It doesn't say much about how to deal with it, but explains real biological reasons for certain types of behaviour.

It's more geared towards fathers and sons tbh but does make for good reading.

[VictorianSqualor]

Mercy apparently boys are more geared towards their mothers up until the age of 5/6, which is when they look for male guidance. He says the best way to bond between father and son earlier is to play wrestle, and rough and tumble, but make sure you stop immediately if the son gets overly agressive and explain that it's a great game to play but only if no-one gets hurt. It's supposed to be a really important lesson in self-control.

I can't remember off the top of my head what else he said as I've read it quite quickly and want to re-read it but I'll have a look alter and let you know.

I really think it's worth it for father/son relationships, especially if you have a 'Mummy's boy' (which I certainly do, and DP still is now) it can show you how you are the one who is standing in the way, even if you think you're helping.

[Mercy]

Biological reasons? I was hoping it would explain the male psyche to me!

I'm not interested in hormones really, I have enough problems with my own these days.

[VictorianSqualor]

LOL!
It does talk about psychological things too, and how you can colour their views but it explains the fundamental differences between a boys brain and a girls brain so you can work round them iyswim.

My copy was 1p off amazon, plus the postage, so I definitely think it was worth it.

[Mercy]

Cross posted - thanks VS. I think a friend of mine has a copy so I may borrow it.

Actually ds and dh do a lot of that already; they have bonded over playing football and wrestling. Interestingly ds has never wanted me to do any form of rough and tumble with him, only dh. It's the same with dd come to think of it.

Suits me fine!