I need to talk but have no one so just getting it down here. Feel free to ignore.

[itati]

I have had a lot of problems in my life and have really struggled with being a parent. The last 2 weeks have been particulary hard. This morning I decided we would ignore all the bad behaviour completely and we also decided we would go out for a walk together. Nice walk, nice weather, nice time, hopefully.

It is now the end of the day and the kids are in bed.
DS2 (age 3) has a swollen and red cheek and cut eye thanks to his brother (age 7) pushing him.
DS1 has been on the step and sent to his room.
DD (age 4) has been sent to her room but has been the better behaved out of all of them.
DS2 has been sent to the step and is currently crying in bed as he can't have the pyjamas he wants - they are dirty.
DS1 has back chatted me every single time I have spoken to him, has been rough with his siblings and cheeked his father. He has also watched as the little ones squirted sun cream on the carpet and didn't tell us.
All I get is kids will be kids, all fight with their siblings and all backchat. But all the time? No exaggeration.

DH and I are at a loss at what to do, have no one to help, no time alone and I feel sad that maybe I am one of those people who should not have had children.

I used to be such a fun person, good company, a laugh. Now all I do is dread the next day when I go to bed and wish the time away to them going to bed.

[Abitconcerned]

How old is the eldest DS ?
TBH that sounds like a normal day in our house, don't believe what people say when they say their kids are any different, people lie

[maidamess]

Read this book "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"

it is really good and stops the cycles of negativity that you seem to be stuck in.

What nice lovely things have your kids done today? And don't say nothing, or I won't believe you.They are still very young.
Just chalk it up to a crap day. Tomorrow will be better.

[itati]

But everyday is like this and I didn't even list everything.

I honestly can not think of anything nice except for 10 minutes when they played on the slide together but then that developed into being mean to the 3 year old.

7
4 and 3

I would read the book but I have no money at all this month to buy anything.

[eyesofapanda]

Get it from the libary

[maidamess]

I have 3 kids myself so know how hard it is when they are all kicking off and vying for your attention.

When you are feeling low it takes every ounce of strength you have to be upbeat and positive about your children.

What kids of things do they get sent upstairs or put on the step for? (Not being judgey, just wondering if you have lost ideas on what battles are worth fighting, if battles are all you seem to have)

[itati]

We try and ignore as much as we can but it is so hard when it is constant. We are just exhausted constantly and don't get enough rest/food.

Step/room is for hitting or hurting anyone or very bad cheek.

I know we are doing everything wrong and I just wonder if I just can't do this.

[maidamess]

You aren't doing it wrong. You've just got caught in a pattern of behaviour with your children, it happens all the time. Don't beat yourself up about it, the pesky things do not come with instructions.

Is there anyone else in your family nearby who could take the kids even for just a night or a day so you and your dh can get some space and have some time to talk with out 'reacting' to children all the time?

ANd I know you said no money for that book, but try to get it from the library...its really helped me suss out how to get the best from my 3 and things have really become more positve around here.

[eyesofapanda]

I think when you get exhausted and a bit overwhelmed then it is very easy to loose consistency and then it all falls apart a bit.

With the backchat thing I would have a zero tollerance approach such as 5 min in the corner every time. Its all to easy to let it go because you are dealing with the younger ones and doing other things.

[itati]

Inlaws won't take all 3 for the night as they won't have 2 of them sharing a double bed. I don't think it would harm for one night tbh.

It is very much that they have their own lives and have the kids to help, rather than we would love to see them, etc so they occasionally have the youngest for a few hours in the week or I take them all over for tea on a Friday but they won't babysit in the evenings. If I have something I can't take the kids too they will try and have them but not always. I accept they have their own lives but they are their grandchildren and I have no family at all and no friends here. They know we have no one else. They soon let me know when they disapporve of what I am doing but won't suggest anything. Perfect for them, you see.

[itati]

eyesofpanda - If I did that they would be never out of the corner! And if I am always on at them won't it become meaningless?

[Stopfighting]

Mine fight nearly all the time, hence my nickname..

Evey time they go out to play, give it a few minute and there will be aproblem, often ending with hitting/punching etc.

I am at the end of my tether with fighting too.

I end up not dealing with it properly because it's just too exhausting to intervene every single time.

[maidamess]

Yes it will become meaningless so its not the right approach IMO. Its fine to tell a child when they are being cheeky that they are speaking in a cheeky way and that its not acceptable.

And if they continue to be cheeky they are choosing to....miss their pudding, not have the telly on after lunch I don't know, whatever. And then move on. Forget it.

Don't sit there WAITING for them to prove you right and be cheeky again. But all this is in the magic book!!

[itati]

Sympathies to you SF.

I try ignoring but they get worse, tell tales.

I tell them to sort it out and they get stroppy even more.

I think I might go to bed.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Itati and eyesofpanda, what do you mean by back chat?

Maybe I am just lucky or maybe it is perception but I don't think I have been back chatted (yet?).

Sometimes DS tries to negotiate with me or refuses to do what I ask but I don't mind him saying how he feels as long as he expresses himself respectfully. Sometimes I change my expectations, sometimes I insist on compliance to my original request.

[maidamess]

When you say 'ignoring' what exactly are you doing? Because if you are ignoring them altogether in the hopes it will stop, it will only get worse as they are desparate for your attention, good or bad.

GET THE BOOK

[Stopfighting]

Sympathies to you too

It really grings you down doesn't it?

I think of myself as an good parent, overall, but after a day's fighting, I feel like a crap one.

[maidamess]

Chalk it up to experience. Start tomorrow with a clean slate.

I can assure you your children will have forgotten.

Its only us adults that hang onto the bad feelings.

[Othersideofthechannel]

I think the 'how to talk' book is very useful. There have been some threads on it (one very funny one) so you might be able to get the essence just by running a search on here.

[Stopfighting]

Sorry, GRINDS

[eyesofapanda]

They wouldn't be out of the corner initially. They don't want to stand in the corner all day so will change their behavior. atm they can be rude and backchat all day long but only have consequences a few times. When you choose what to do you think about how much its going to cost first and right now backchat is cheap. Make it cost more and they won't be able to afford it so often.

[cory]

Othersideofthechannel on Sun 29-Jun-08 19:32:57
'Itati and eyesofpanda, what do you mean by back chat?

Maybe I am just lucky or maybe it is perception but I don't think I have been back chatted (yet?).

Sometimes DS tries to negotiate with me or refuses to do what I ask but I don't mind him saying how he feels as long as he expresses himself respectfully. Sometimes I change my expectations, sometimes I insist on compliance to my original request. '

I was wondering this, too, and wondering if it is something to do with my perception of backchat, because that doesn't seem so much of a problem to me. Often I find just a raised eyebrow and a slight lowering of the tone of my voice is enough to make them see that 'ah, perhaps this wasn't such a good way of putting it'. IME 7yos often don't realise quite how they come across.

Dd when she was young went through a stage of greeting every statement of mine with the question: 'how do you know? have you read it in the paper? have you read it in a book?' But she was very young at the time, so I did not take offense, just laughed and repeated calmly that 'I do know a few things that you don't, love'. Strangely enough, now that she is moving towards her teens she seems a lot more willing to accept that I might actually know just a little bit more than she does.

Sorry, I'm rambling and not really helping. Madaimess' advice is the best of all: start tomorrow with a clean slate!

[cory]

And do try the library for the How to Talk Book- gets a very good press on MN!

[itati]

I woke up this morning at 6 and couldn't even remember what day it was. Took me ages to work it out and then I just felt low at the day ahead.

I asked the kids where my car keys were "Where you left them" in a full of attitude tone.

Me- We need to walk quicker to get to school on time.
DS1 - Well it was your stupid idea to walk.

Two things I have had this morning as well as DS1 winding up and being mean to DD and DS2.

I have had to ask DS2 not to touch certain things while we were out and he came up and hit me every time and then called me an idiot.

I honestly feel like I can't do this anymore and I wish I didn't want to. I have tonnes of books but no energy at all so trying to read them and retain it is a forlorn hope.

I know I am making excuses and being negative but I am done. I had to get new glasses on Saturday and rang my husband to meet me, he couldn't come and told me the kids were misbehaving. I just cried in the opticians. So embarrassing.

I really don't feel I am expecting too much or being too strict. It woul dbe nice to have a few minutes where we are all enjoying each others company.

I only had to look at the children I nannied for, for them to know to stop it. Mine laugh in my face.

[juuule]

Have you tried contacting a local parenting course. The Children's Information Service might be able to give you details of something in your area. A parenting course might be able to give you more hands-on strategies to enable you to deal with the situations you're facing and possibly be able to support you through the tougher times.
www.childcarelink.gov.uk/

Perhaps try phoning Parentline

They might be able to point you in a helpful direction.

[Othersideofthechannel]

I think I know who you are now.