How to know when family complete?

[geisha]

How do you know when your family is complete? We already have 2 children (2.5 & 4) and I have no clue whether family is complete or not! Dh is flexible - doesn't mind, whatever I decide is fine. I have continued working but have not persued my career since the childen, instead opting for a job that offers a good work/life balance. If we were going to try for a third child, I don't want to start persuing my career again then decide to expand the family or get both children off to school then start again. In other words it is now or never.

I'm mindful of the cost implications of a third child with hols/cars/bigger house etc but this is not insurmountable. Also very conscious of the time implication for time spent with older 2 children and whether I could offer all 3 children a good life in the non-material sense of the word. People I have spoken to about this tells me I should just know - but I don't. All opinions welcome.

[hamandhigh]

Most froends I know who feel'complete' say they knew they had given birth to their last baby.
I have 2 lo's,too and I didn't feel like that so may march on. I think undecided equates to wanting another one.

[nell12]

I dont think my opinion is going to be very helpful

We had ds and then huge fertility issues, we were basically told there was no chance for another. BUT we kept all of our baby stuff, cots, clothes, toys etc. just in case!

After 8 1/2 years of waiting and tests, dd arrived (boy she took her time deciding to come along!) and all the while I was pg, I knew that I would try again asap and that we would have 3 children.

In reality, as soon as I had delivered dd, I just knew that I did not want anymore, and as soon as dd grew out of something or moved from a crib to a cot etc. I got rid of the baby stuff!

So, I just knew...

Sorry

[ladytophamhatt]

IME and IMO you just know when its enough, no-one can tell you when its complete, only you will know.

I went through a Really brrody stage recently (we have 4 Dcs) after DH planted the idea of having another one.
I was dead set against it at first, but changed my mind and agreed only for DH tp chang his mind again.
It caused ALOT of heartache for me

However, now I realise that although I'd love to have a newborn again I definatley don't want another child.

Foe teh first time in years I can look at PG women and newborns with almost crying with envy and that tells me my family is complete.

[MindingMum]

I have 5 DC's and was worried that I wouldn't ever have the urge to stop. I never believed the broodyness would go away.

While I was pregnant for the fifth time I worried constantly that I may want another baby - we couldn't afford one, no room, couldn't split myself any further attention wise etc

As soon as my son was born (after 4 daughters) I knew I didn't want any more children. I can't say how I knew. My family say I only stopped because I'd had a boy as they all knew I desperately wanted another girl and had been 'put off' but I don't think that was the case.

If you are not definate you don't want another, I would put off making the decision for a couple of years as circumstances change as do our way of thinking. HTH

[geisha]

For those of you wit more than 2 dc - do you worry about being able to give each enough attention?

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Same as other posters. I had ds1 after a long time trying and assumed through the preganancy he would be an only child. As soon as he was 2 weeks old I used to cry from sadness that i wouldn't be able to do it all again.
16m later ds2 arrived and from the moment I laid eyes on him I knew that these were my children and the thought of any more has never entered my head.
I think its like 'how do you know you've met Mr Right'. You just KNOW.

The minute ds2 finishes with anything we get rid...whereas with ds1 even when we thought there would not be another, I couldn't bear to get rid of anything.

Reminds me I must renew my CAT subscription to list a mountain of toddler stuff and nappies on mumnset classifieds!

[juuule]

Geisha, don't most people, whether they have one or more, worry about whether they are able to give their child enough attention/too much attention/the right attention?

I agree with the others who've said that most people who know their family is complete, just know. My sister "knew" after 2 although she did consider another for a while before completely ruling it out.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Geisha, with 2 or more, they give EACH OTHER attention.
Although its demanding when one or more are still very small and need you much more, when they are a bit older they can play together, look after each other (depending on age range), just sit an watch telly/do jigsaws together.
Since my youngest turned 2 and can talk to and play with his brother (3) I find that they demand my attention less. But they are still getting attention iyswim.
Whereas with one child I think they need more attention because you have to play with them, entertain them etc.

[VictorianSqualor]

My family isn't complete, I know this.
But again, it's something I just know
I have three dcs atm, and when my last was born (10 weeks ago) I said to DP that he wasn't going to be my last.

Like flibberty says, they give each other attention.
DD(7) is currently talking to DS2(who just likes the sound of her voice) about DS1(3), who is pulling faces at them. I don't need to be there. I'm here but not actually paying them any attention.
All three of them are getting full on attention from two others, which, to them, is better than just me. Plus I'm here if they want me, which doesn't seem to be at the same time most of the time.

If DD needs me to help with homework and DS wants me and DS2 needs feeding, it's not too difficult to juggle, I just put them both at the table, DS1 does colouring and have DS2 on my lap, that way I can pay them all attention.

[Pinkchampagne]

When I realise that my sanity is hanging on a very fine thread with just the two I have!

[Janus]

Geisha, as all have said, I assume you just know. I have 3, the youngest being 6 weeks old. Throughout my last pregnancy I thought the third would be the last but now we're already thinking about another!! I just can't get it out of my head, am already bagging up the clothes dd3 is growing out of in order to stash them! My only worry is the whole time sharing issue, my other 2 are 5 and 7 and thinking of it now I don't think they are really getting any less attention than before dd3 was born. I still sit and do homework with dd1, read (albeit a bit less) her books with her, she reads dd2 a bedtime story now!!, I read each evening with dd2 her little 'learning to read' books for school, they are all getting fed, clean clothes, etc, etc. Somehow you fit it in. The one thing I have noticed is that dd1 and dd2 play together endlessly now, yes they erupt sometimes but actually, funnily, having dd3 has seemed to bring the first two very close together. Oh, and they both absolutely adore their youngest sister, to the point of being besotted.
I think, as lots of people have said, once you start giving the clothes, etc, away, then you have decided to stop!
Good luck with your choice.

[Smithagain]

I'm sure ours is complete. I had a strong feeling of completeness within moments of DD2 arriving. And now that she is nearly 3, I have a strong sense of moving on from the baby/toddler days into a new phased of our lives.

At the present moment, I have 12 friends who are either pregnant or have a newborn (is that a record?!?!) Despite hanging around with all these bumps and babies, I am experiencing not the slightest hint of broodiness. So I reckon that's definitely it for us!

[geisha]

So if I don't have that feeling, maybe the family isn't complete? I'm really indecisive about everything and flap for ages before making even the most minor of decisions so I have no idea how I will come to a conclusion about this!

[geisha]

Looking from a different perspective, has anyone decided not to have a third child and regretted it later? What are your thoughts?

[Quattrocento]

I think that you would know if you definitely want another

I think that you would know if you definitely don't want another

So you're undecided

[MindingMum]

It's funny you should say that geisha because I wonder how many people would admit to that even if it was the case?

On the one occasion that I said that if I had my time over again, I would only have one child, I was shot down in flames and basically told that it was an ungrateful, selfish, thoughtless thing to say - and this was from my own family

I feel like I should never mention it again but in reality that is the case

[geisha]

Yes Quattro very undecided. I do not know either way but do know I have to decide soon.

I can see why you might have been shot down in flames, although I think it is very honest to admit and I'm sure you don't mean it in the sense that you don't love your subsequent child(ren) but that practically one child would have been easier.

So how to decide?

[MindingMum]

Why do you have to decide soon geisha?

[AllBuggiedOut]

I have 3 DSs, and share MindingMum's worry that I'll just always want more. DS3 is only 19 weeks, so it's early days to be thinking about it, but I think for me it will depend on how much I think I'd regret not having another. I can't imagine ever regretting having another child, but need to weigh up how much not having another will worry me in years to come.

[MindingMum]

ABO - you are right in thinking that you wouldn't regret having another baby but IME in years to come you may feel in hind sight that you had had a smaller family.

I found it all very easy and enjoyable when they were all small but find them extremely time consuming and emotionally draining now.

Their needs are all different now at 13, 10, 7,6 and 5 and it's exhausting making sure everyone has the best of me for some time each day

[AllBuggiedOut]

Thanks, that's helpful

[JodieG1]

I don't feel mine is complete with 3 but dh had the snip when ds2 was 3 weeks old.

[MindingMum]

oh JodieG1 that must be hard for you when the decision is made for you.

I have a close friend who is only 30 and has 5 DC's. Three of them were born by C/section and she's really unhappy that they don't recommend that she has any more. She says that she is undecided as to whether she wants anymore but feels sad knowing the choice might have been made for her.

[juuule]

Mindingmum - I second what you say:

"I found it all very easy and enjoyable when they were all small but find them extremely time consuming and emotionally draining now."

The spread over the age groups does complicate things, too.

Definitely something to consider.

[evenhope]

When we had our 4th I knew we'd had enough. We just physically and emotionally couldn't manage another child. We had 4 under 6 and it was hard work.

We had our 5th last year. DD1 had moved out; DS1 was at Uni and things were a lot easier. As soon as she was born I really wanted another one but now she's 15 months I'm feeling more like this is it (mainly, it must be said, due to my age and the feeling we'd be pushing our luck).

Having said that, I've got a mountain of small clothes in the wardrobe I can't quite bring myself to dispose of.