How would you react to this?

[2sugars]

Bit of background: dd1 is 9 (10 in August), dd2 is 8.
DD1 has an art club every Saturday, and choir practise every Thursday pm. She has been invited to a birthday party/sleepover this Saturday at 2.30pm. Her art club starts at 10.00am, finishes at 2.00pm. She would also have to leave the sleepover on Sunday an hour earlier than everyone else because she is singing in Church on Sunday.

H was working tonight. Normally dd2 wouldn't be seen dead at choir practise but she agreed to accompany us just so her sister could attend. DD1 then wanted to go to the library after choir practise, dd2 was tired but reluctantly agreed to go.

H gets home, we have a rowlet because I think it wouldn't hurt to relinquish one of those things just so she can catch up on her sleep - she is obviously tired. Tonight she held on to H's leg so he couldn't see dd2 into bed, and when he finally got her off she closed the living room door on us (it doesn't have a handle on the inside, so you are effectively locked in) - I know, I know. She opens the door, slams it shut on us all again. H is eventually 'allowed' to take dd2 to bed. I tell dd1 it's past her bedtime, to come to bed, and start walking up the stairs. Her response? 'You don't think I want to be anywhere near you do you, you pig-headed idiot.

She has an assembly tomorrow. H can't go. I am just soooooooo tempted to tell her I don't want to go (pig-headed idiots don't 'get' assemblies) and I feel really unwilling to trudge into town to buy a birthday present for her to take to the party.

Sorry that was so long. Any thoughts?

[2sugars]

Anyone?

[RosaLuxembunting]

My DD1 is living with you - how did that happen?
She was clearly overtired - don't punish or make a big deal but sit down with her in a calm, non-tired moment and talk about the need for mutual respect. And explain to her that it is your job as a parent to make sure that she is happy and healthy and that includes GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP. So if you let her do all this stuff at the weekend, she has to show you that she can handle it in a sensible manner without getting cross or grumpy the next day and spoiling the weekend for the rest of the family.
And if she can't then you will limit her activities in future.
The bottom line for me with DD1 is - she needs to cooperate with us if she wants us to cooperate with her - and I tell her so.
They are very solipsistic at that age - they really can't see how their behaviour impacts on other people at all.

[windygalestoday]

dd1 is being a bit of a brat imobut shes only 9 you should tell her how much her comments and selfishness hurt you and her sister -your dh should back you and you should look at her hobbies and activities and make some changes you should also huggle dd2 cos shes being a diamond x

[windygalestoday]

do u know im 33 and ive never heard tht word before 'solipsistic' i googled it and i shall use it s often s possible

[RosaLuxembunting]

Glad to be of service
DD1 is a walking definition at the moment.

[Uriel]

For behaviour like that, I would ground her this weekend.

[worzella]

I'm nearly 40 and I've never heard solipsistic either! Now , I wonder if I can use it tomorrow!

[cory]

Rosa is right. Serious talk but I wouldn't ground her. We all do and say stupid things when we are overtired. Make her apologise and turn over a new leaf.

[cory]

If you ban her from the party, you are effectively punishing the birthday girl, who has done nothing wrong. My ds just had his birthday party and he would have been devastated if his mate wasn't allowed to come because he'd been naughty. We always try to find punishments that don't impact on people outside the family.

[Uriel]

Well, maybe, cory.

I wouldn't let my 9 y o treat me or dh or sibs in this way.

How will she really learn if this sort of behaviour is just ignored?

[2sugars]

It made me very sad and cross. Yesterday morning I told her I didn't think I'd be able to make it to her assembly. She told H, who said 'How can you do that to a 9year old?'. He knew exactly what had gone on.

Anyway, she did manage a sorry yesterday morning, we had a cuddle, I explained how hurtful her behaviour was to us all. I think she realises now what an impact her behaviour had on us all.

It's hard because with her being the eldest I have no idea just how far they try to push the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.

Thanks for all your advice. xx

[2sugars]

Am also confused because I know how my mum would have dealt with me (a wallop) but I also know that's not the way to go. I think talking to her worked. It was just such a huge disappointment given all that she's had/people doing nice things for her recently. Too much, perhaps.

[SqueakyPop]

With that kind of behaviour, my kids could wave bye-bye to a party.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

dashboardconfessionals - unfortunately I think that Rosa is absolutely right! And it only gets worse once they are teenagers and those dratted hormones kick in.

DS1 is 16. We have never tolerated bad behaviour or the level of disrespect experienced by the OP. But it still doesn't stop him behaving as if he is the centre of the known universe. (And we don't indulge him!)

[kittywise]

She needs to be punished, what she has done is not a little thing,

If you don't control this and she is allowed to get away with behaving so badly because she is tired then she knows that that is a great card to play.

Her behaviour shows a dreadful lack of respect for you and dh. I would be appaled if any of my children ever thought that that sort of behaviour was in anyway allowable tired or not.

[Ambi]

What happened at the time? Did you call her on it? I agree that we all say and do stupid things when we're tired. I wouldn't punish in this instinct, but explain that it was unacceptable and won't be tolerated in the future. If it does happen again, then punish as she's pushed it too far especially as she's aware of the consequences.
I feel for you, I was a particularly brattish girl, and I was punished heavily which made me rebel further etc.