How much, if any, time do you get to yourself?

[tuttuttut]

We have a 10mo. Dh goes to the gym every day, out for a drink after work once or twice a week. I do not literally ever get time to myself, just to sit and read for half an hour, do my hair, do nothing etc. If it's not my son it's my dh that wants my attention in the evenings. Aibu to want a little bit of time to myself occasionally? Do you any get time? What do you do?

[Elk]

I have 2 dd's (5 and 2.6).

Tuesday evenings I do yoga.
Sat. morning I have a lie in (dh brings cup of tea at 8.30/9am), then I have a long soak in the bath with a book while dh looks after the dd's.

dh very rarely goes out. He is normally away for work purposes 1 night per week.

[deanychip]

oh luvey, that hardly sounds like a fair arrangement tbh.

Do you have parents or ils nearby?

[bellavita]

If I were in your shoes, I would say to him this coming Sat morning - I have given x breakfast, washed and dressed them and now I am popping to xxxx (be it the hairdresser or just around town) and will be back at x o'clock and then go.

You should not feel guilty about doing this - you are both parents and you also need time to yourself.

[ranting]

Have you spoken to him about it, maybe he just doesn't realise, my dcs are much older, so I get lots of time to myself but, my dh has always been great about doing his fair share of the childcare.
If I want time to go out and do something, I only have to check that it doesn't clash with something else, (family day out, his football matches etc). If he fancies time to do something for himself, he checks that it doesn't clash with anything I might want to do.

[deanychip]

i have monday and Tuesday to myself as they are my days off from work and my ds is in school.
i just do normal stuff, food shop, clean the house, do washing and ironing ready fro the week, meal plan and mumsnet.
i enjoy wandering around Tesco alone without my child chucking his welly at some poor pensioner as they shop!

tomorow, a pal and myself are off to Ikea for breakfast a wander and a chat.

i absorb the solitude and the peace. i craved it for 4 long years while ds was a baby/toddler/little chap. prior to school.
im still not in the position to start reading again (used to devour 4 books a week pre ds) because i am so tired all of the time. this chronic fatigue is a bitch.

[ChairmumMiaow]

Sounds completely unfair. I think if you don't discuss this and carve out some time for yourself it'll only get worse. I don't see why your DH can't do most or even all of what he already does and still give you time to yourself! I'm sure just one evening a week or half a day at the weekend would make a world of difference to you.

DS is only 5 months (nearly) but I've just gone back to my amateur operatics rehearsals (out for around 2.5 hours once a week) and DH gives me at least an extra half an hour in bed in the mornings as he does the first nappy. We also share non-feeding duties during the weekend so I can do something different, so I normally get a couple of hours to do something for myself.

[wasabipeanut]

Yes this all sounds a bit one sided to me. My time to myself tends to be in the eveings after 9mo DS is in bed or at weekends sometimes. We have a kitchen calender so any "night pass" requests can be checked straigh away!

I work part time so pick up more domestic chores during the week but we both share a weekend "blitz" on housework and stuff so I can enjoy my time at home with DS and not fret about hoovering and what have you.

[Sidge]

Um, none really.

But then DH is away for months on end, we have 3 children and no family nearby.

I have time 'alone' when they are in bed, but I don't count that as I can't go anywhere.

If I were you I would start arranging things when you know your DH is free and tell him that you are going out, eg for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon or something.

[notasheep]

ttt-you should be allowed the SAME amount of free time has him.
I have just had four nights in Spain alone!
to see godmother of ds

[talilac]

Time to myself hahahahahhahaha

I only get it if I quite literally book it in the diary.

Which I now do. So, I'll pick a night, arrange to see friends and ask DH to babysit. Or at the weekend I'll tell him that at such an such a time, I'm going for a long bath and can he look after DDs.

DH is great about it, but if I didn't organise it like this I wouldn't get it - he just wouldn't on his own notice I needed space.

[DeeRiguer]

you have to carve some out for yourself am afraid
arrange things and do them
classes, friends, films, gym whatever

[notasheep]

Asking DH to babysit surely not! does he ask you to babysit if he goes out!!!

[talilac]

Yes.

[HeadFairy]

Barely any. I've got a 9 mo old, tonight is pretty typical, we've been at my mum and dad's all day so got back at about 7 when I bathed dressed and fed ds (I'm still bfing so I guess I have to do that one) and then spent the next two hours sorting various stuff out, getting the washing in, tidying up, getting stuff for tomorrow ready etc. I have to be up at 5am for work tomorrow and I've only just sat down for a few minutes (at 9.30pm) To be fair, dh did make me a cup of tea and bring me a few jaffa cakes, but I've got to go and feed ds again in an hour before going to bed for my marvellous 6 hour kip

Being a working mother sucks big time some times. When I was on mat leave I used to put ds down for his morning nap which was usually about 2 hours and it was blissful, I'd either have a nap myself or lie in bed reading, watching tv or mnetting. None of that now.

[notasheep]

[talilac]

Sorry NAS, I was tired so abrupt.

I guess we both try and ask the other if we're making plans to go out on an evening. Not because we feel we have to but to check the other doesn't already have plans, and generally to be polite.

[MerryMarigold]

I was in a similar situation to this...partly because breastfeeding, partly because when you are at home already, it's harder to actually get out (and dh did all his stuff during work lunchtime or after work)! I remember it was a nightmare just to get out for a haircut. It does get better as they get older. My parents come down once a week now, which is a help - is there anyone you can leave kid for during day?

Also, make sure dh puts A LOT of time in the weekend. My dh started taking our ds swimming every Sat morning, and I used to read in bed/ lie-in. It's good 'bonding time'. He also always baths ds and puts him to bed every day so that is my little gap to get on mumsnet! If he is going to be late, ds stays up late, partly because I think it is important that he sees him. He also generally does morning and breakfast. When ds was 2 I did an evening course, which was great to do something outside the house.

They do need to be trained though. Ask nicely. If it doesn't change, STAMP FEET.

[tuttuttut]

thank you everyone for messages. i feel much better now just realising that i'm nbu. i feel guilty when dh works full time that i'm asking him to do things at the weekend because he is actually working all week so i feel like i am not anymore entitled to a break - sorry that doen't make much sense, hope you know what i mean. it's difficult because although they are working they are getting time away from lo(s) plus they actually get a lunch break etc which i don't! it doesn't help that my ds is one of these babies that doesn't nap much at all (if ever). up until now i've just got on with it but now i realise you're right i need to schedule some time in for myself.

my mum has ds for a night once a month and dh and i go out. ils have never offered to babysit, and tbh i wouldn't leave ds with them now because he doesn't know them very well because of this and has sep anxiety atm.

[misselizabethbennett]

I have certainly been through times like this in the past(DS is now 6). DH is a loving, involved and supportive dad, but unless I specifically made the effort to arrange some 'me time' I just didn't get it and I started to get resentful.

My advice would be to choose times in advance and book them with your DH. I don't know if it's the same with you, but I found that when I was in the house I was never off duty. Whereas DH would occasionally read the paper, or play his guitar, or have a snooze, I never did. I could have done, but I chose not to, then resented it.

What changed things for me was to stop expecting my free time to just happen, or for for DH to 'give it to me'. I just starting asking him specifically to take over at certain times so I could do my stuff. He's perfectly happy to do this, so the problem went away.

[toddlerhip]

DH away during the week. Today went swimming with DS, library (twice as forgot book), doctors, petshop to look at pets, lunch out which took ages to come so messed up nap time. Park. Phoned for a loft ladder. Hung out 2 loads washing. Eventually got DS to sleep - amazingly he slept 2.5 hrs. Phoned council and paper about getting our local paddling pool reopened and about getting an allotment. Some very minimal admin. Tidied up. Talked to neighbour about allotment. Supermarket. Took in washing. Supper -bath - bedroutine. Tidied up. Family phone calls. loaded car ready for tomorrow, Potted some plants, prepared some pots for planting, watered garden, front and back (1045pm!) washing up and drying, unloaded dishwasher, took washing from clothesairers. 11pmish mumsnet. No, no time ever! I look after ds at weekends too while i persuade DH to do one housejob a week (tho he will bath him).

[pavlovthecat]

Last week DD was in nursery all day thurs, DH and I went kayaking.
Friday night, we had a babysitter and went out on our own.

This last week, first time I have had anything other than ZERO time for us out of the house in a long time.

For myself, just me. Friday, a bath, leg wax, book, but had to wait until 9:30pm for it. Before that. Cant even remember