The Gross out thread, or, 'things you never thought you'd do for your children'

[ChirpyGirl]

So, having just spent the last 15 minutes scooping toddler poo out of the bath I suddenly realised that in the last 2.4 years I have done the following;

The aforementioned poo scooping, numerous times.
Allowed DD1 to throw up down my front rather than on the sofa.
Caught vom in my hands, this time to save my mum's beige carpet.
Picked both DD's noses with my fingers to remove large bogies
Had DD2 shit all over my boobs within seconds of the birth (I latched her on one side, she crapped and peed all over the other) and then not be able to wash it off for an hour.
Eaten food that they have sucked on and rejected as I had nowhere to throw it and nothing to put it in.

So come on, some of you must be able to beat that!

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

I can't beat it (yet), but I've conquered man-size snotters, nonchalantly eaten half-chewed morsels which I've picked from behind DS's ear/a fold of his neck/his armpit etc, slept in various cocktails of bodily fluids and generally been a walking, talking mop. Gotta love it.

[BibiThree]

The one that sticks with me is rubbing vaseline into dd1s bottomhole to try and encourage her to poo when she was constipated. Still makes me want to vom just thinking about it.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Pulled week old raisins from DDs ears and washed a five pee she pooed out to show to the doc in A&E.

[beansprout]

I am an expert vom catcher. I have also been known to eat food off the floor rather than walk back down the hall again to put it in the bin.

[AnyFuleKno]

I hesitate to post this but I absent mindedly licked my fingers after wiping dd's chin when she had possetted a little bit. I can't believe I did that - If my pre-baby self knew she'd be revolted...

[whomovedmychocolate]

Chirpygirl www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1375/548552 may make you feel slightly better [shudder]

[whomovedmychocolate]

Oh and I've picked a melted chocolate button off DDs leg, shoved it in my mouth and then realised that's not chocolate.

[misdee]

held out my hand when dd1 screamed in the bath as she handed me a poo. why why why.

[whomovedmychocolate]

misdee - I think I have done worse, I actually said 'thank you darling' thinking she was handing me a bathtoy in the same situation.

[buntinglicious]

Scooped poo out of bath
Suck snot out of DD's nose when tiny
Let her french kiss me

[whomovedmychocolate]

I love sucking snot out of DDs nose with the aspirator. Just such a shame she's old enough to object now.

[toddlerhip]

On that note, DP thought he was getting a kiss from ds this evening. But ds decided to pass over the contents of his mouth at the same time.

[MrsTittleMouse]

DD regularly chews up food and stuffs it into DH's mouth. I think she thinks that she is weaning him the old-fashioned way.

I can remember when DD was little and having a nasty stomach bug that I would breastfeed her constantly and she would have diarrhea (sp?) all over my lap. Nappies couldn't contain her toxic poo. And for some reason, it was just normal and slightly amusing. It pooled in the feet of her baby gros too...

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

dd2 came into my room early one morning and said "look mummy!" then, when I opened my mouth (but not eyes!) to ask what, she put a bogey in my mouth.

I also helped my poor poor friend clean her son's poo off the floor of a cafe due to an ill-advised combo of toilet training and boxer short-style pants, while lots of speechless people looked on aghast (which made me giggle uncontrollably)

[whomovedmychocolate]

Oh god, I've just remember when I was changing DDs nappy and she put her hands in the poo and then brushed them through my hair and I didn't notice till I got out the house and was convinced she'd cacked herself again because I could smell shit.

[QuintessentialShadows]

yeah I have hurriedly turned ds1 (then 18 months) inwards to puke all over my chest, rather than my mums bedroom carpet. Beginning of a LONG tummy bug.

Scooped poo out of the shower cubicle

Scooped sick of the carpet of a teabarge in the Keralan backwaters

Cleaned poo (also boxer shorts and toilet training) out of a restaurant floor during lunch

oh and looked the other way as DS1 weed down his shorts legs in a outdoor cafe (with a sand floor), then innocently said "Oh, you've spilt your Fanta"

[whomovedmychocolate]

I mistook the wet patch on my back as sweat as I ran home with DD in a backpack to change her nappy. My white jeans were irretrievably stained with bright orange breastmilk poop.

[yama]

Chirpygirl - I could've written all of that.

A recent one - I allowed (why?) my dd to wipe her nose on 'mummy's boobies'.

[bluewolf]

apart from the constant bogey, earwax, dried food etc harvesting that I do without realising, I think the fascination with nappy contents is what my former self would find most disturbing.

[ChirpyGirl]

Thanks, that makes me feel slightly better that my standards haven't lowered, it's just my definition of what is normal has changed!

I've also licked off drool as I didn't have anything handy (or my top was too tight to use...

wmmc, this is the link if anyone else thinks what is on this thread is bad.

[bluewolf]

YOIKS!! The maggot story has turned my real face into an exact replica of the shocked emoticon.
On a bit of a tangent, thought to myself the other day (watching dd who's 9mths lapping at snot from her own nose and making lip-smacking mm-delicious noises) what is the age when kids suddenly mind having crusty nostrils? And is this when they actually become human?

[susia]

I had to put vaseline and suppositories up my son's bum when he was constipated too. I also allowed him to blow his nose over a top I'd just bought that was still in the bag...don't know why!

[whomovedmychocolate]

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Yep to catching sick, and smearing poo on my head whilst wiping my hair out of my face during a nappy change. I love the way your first thought at being suddenly drenched in a tsunami of milky vom is to comfort and reassure them because they look all queasy and shocked.

More recently though, he kindly offers me little bits of soggy pre-chewed food which I thank him for and eat, because it makes him smile delightedly.

I think the biggest change is that pre-kids you'd (hopefully) never walk about in clothes covered in sick, but a few weeks in and it's acceptable to wander about in clothes with a few blobs of posett on them. And you always say to yourself: it could be worse. And it can.

[whomovedmychocolate]

I have a 'two stain' rule. If it has two grubby fingerprints on it, it's fine so long as the fingerprints are not: (a) brown or (b) sticky.

I have very few untainted outfits these days.