Do you think I am being unfair to my husband?

[Wafflesnaffler]

I have an 11 week old, and I aleady know that I am very lucky to have a supportive DH, but am wondering now if I am actually taking the piss?! Please tell me what you think of how things are in our house - are they unbalanced in my favour the way they are?:

• I look after baby through night (breastfeeding and nappies). She goes to sleep at 6 with feed, wakes up at 6 with feed and wakes up for food about 3 times in night from 10pm to 4am.

• From 6am (when baby wakes up properly) to 10am DH looks after baby while I get some sleep til 9am then get ready, have brekkie, do some washing/empty bins...little jobs.

• I look after baby all day weekdays while DH works from home.

• DH prepares dinner (he makes a big batch some weekends and freezes meals to heat up) and often makes me lunch too.

• About 5.00 DH comes to help and then he bathes her while I get her bedclothes/room ready for sleep.

• From 7pm-9pm I have a shower/relax then go to bed about 9pm (or 7pm if exhausted), DH stays up til about 11pm.

I do any housework/washing etc. DH does food shopping. At weekends the idea is we both do 50/50 with the baby.

DH gets out by doing a martial arts class two evenings a week (and a few times if anything else has come up such as a boys camping weekend/trips away to visit parents etc). I get out with baby - taking her for walks, to my mum's, seeing friends etc. So far have been out on my own without her for an hour. On a weekend I have 2 hours specially to wash hair etc. But every day I make time to do my makeup and usually hair, wear something nice.

Do you think he's doing too much? Do you think the morning 'lie-ins' I have are taking the piss because he wants them to stop and I think he might be right.

Thanks for ploughing through the tedious details of my daily life

[lazarou]

Sounds fair to me.

[chilledmama]

What's babydoing while you have lie in???

[charmkin]

you are lucky, both of you at home! even if he's working, that's still cushdy. And sleeping till 10!!!
Maybe you should get up earlier and have breakfast together.

[TheArmadillo]

sounds like a fab plan for both of you.

Lie ins are what you need if you are up at night - a necessity not a luxury.

[Collision]

DH sounds great! but he would probably rather be working than looking after baby in the mornings so he can finish earlier.

I think the lie-ins should stop and see how you both cope.

You do sound like you have it sussed out well tho and you are lucky DH wants to be so involved.

[angel1976]

I think you are very lucky to have a supportive DH (and he certainly does a lot more than my DH! LOL!) BUT whether you have a lie-in or not in the morning depends on how tired you are and looking after a baby is exhausting (I have a very demanding 15-week-old). What I do now is I wake up with baby in the morning (around 6/7am), stay awake with him till it is time for his nap and then I sleep with him so in that way I get my rest too. So if your DH wants you to take responsibility for DD in the mornings, that is really up to you both to decide on.

My DH leaves for work at 8am so I can't really lie in with his help but then again, he does work long hours so I am not complaining! I don't think you can compare your situation with other people cos everyone is different and will decide on how they look after their own baby... But IMO, you are very lucky!

[Heated]

If you don't function well without sleep, then it might be in everyone's interests - yours, the baby's and dh's - to ensure you do catch up at some point until your lo starts to sleep through.

Dh, when working, used to do the first late feed at about 11ish and then I'd do the rest during the night. Then on Friday and Saturday nights, he used to take the graveyard shift. We both might snooze in the day if baby asleep but this was only with pfb, as once no 2 came along it was no longer possible!

[Wafflesnaffler]

Chilledmama - baby is with DH in the morning (I 'take-over' about 10). They play for about an hour then she goes back to sleep. Then I feed her when she wakes up hungry again.

[ivyJkaty44]

Why not have a morning nap when baby does instwead of your liein?

[ib]

Ds is 17 months old and I'm still getting lie-ins every morning....

so you won't be getting any YABUs from me

[Kindersurprise]

You actually have things pretty well balanced, the only thing that occurs to me is that your DH is going to bed late and getting up early. And that you don't seem to have a lot of time just the two of you.

My DH puts a lot of importance on us having breakfast together. Perhaps you could rearrange things so that you could do this.

You are lucky to have a supportive DH.

[Wafflesnaffler]

I do know I'm extremely lucky! Thanks StellsWasADiver...I put 'lie-ins' in '' too because although they end at 9am which is late I always figured it all adds up to the same because of the time awake in the night.

ut it sounds like from what most people think, overall it is too lazy to be getting up at 9am when you have an 11 week old, whatever the circumstances. Rats, it's as I feared!

[nowwearefour]

i think yanbu but i think perhaps a slightly horter lie in- say til maybe 8 would give him a chnace to get more work done or have some family time together? but depends how quickly your dc settles in the night after waking for feeds. you will adjust to less sleep but nice if ou dont have to!! does dh feel he is getting enough sleep?

[posieparker]

If you're up feeding through the night you need your sleep and so enjoy it. Perhaps strike a deal with DH that as soon as baby drops a night feed you'll get up at 8am, unless it's been a tough night.
This is obviously your first baby and so just enjoy it as this will never happen again, next time you'll have another that will 'entertain' you all day and one for the night!!
Don't feel guilty, feel happy!!

[chilledmama]

OK Waffles...so actually your DH only spends an hour of the morning time with baby so why does he want you to get up...it doesn't sound like by you getting up earlier he will get more work done so what does he want?? Sorry for additional questions but curious about his reasoning or am I missing something??

[FrannyandZooey]

why is he objecting? does he want to have a lie in sometimes himself, or is he finding it hard to look after the baby every morning for those 4 hours?

my view on it is that a mother who is waking up several times a night to bf needs very special treatment
It is very easy to burn out from mothering a new tiny baby - breastfeeding IS physically draining for want of a better word - and very disturbed nights can leave you exhausted and finding it hard to cope

why not ask him to give you another month and then review the situation
if he is feeling like he needs more sleep can he go to bed earlier? why is he up till 11pm? Dp and I both went to bed early every night when ds was little
If he wants a lie in sometimes can you compromise and say that you will get up eg twice a week?
if he finds it hard work having the baby in the mornings (maybe this is a fussy time for her?) can you get a friend, relative or paid help to step in once or twice a week? I know this isn't possible for everyone but may be something you haven't thought of

I think it is a good idea to show him you are willing to negotiate this and that you want to help him, but at the same time I think bfing mother of new baby does need to be prioritised in terms of rest and sleep
if you become exhausted / unwell the knock on effect on your dd is not desirable

my last thought is could you try to stretch her bedtime out a little so she is going to sleep at 7 pm instead? she may then sleep later in the morning?

[posieparker]

If luck is about a man doing his share then I think many women are unlucky, you shouldn't feel lucky as that makes it less deserving. You're unusual in that you seem to have a man who wants to take on his responsibilities and is in a position to do so. My dp got up at 4.45am for two years whilst our boys were small because I would be up feeding, then pg with a baby and then another baby (14 months apart), then he went to work and I got up.

[Wafflesnaffler]

ivyJkaty44 - baby has her morning nap ON my DH. I've got her to nap on me too before (in my wrap/sling thingy) but I can't really sleep too while she does this. She doesn't stay asleep longer than 20 minutes or so if you put her down, which isn't enough time to sleep as well. But we bought a rocker today in the hope she'll sleep in this and therefore solve that problem.

Kindersurprise - yes it is late for DH to go to bed with a 6am start. In the early days when we had arguments about the balance, and who was more tired, I would tell him that was his choice and I'd love to have late nights too but those days are gone for me!

[Kindersurprise]

I would not say it is lazy, my DD used to go back to sleep after a 6am feed so I would "lie-in" till 9am.

Is he objecting because he has more "baby-duties" or because he would like to spend more time with you

[LoveMyGirls]

I think it sounds fair, you could offer to stop so many lie in's (drop to 1 or 2 per week) once your baby sleeps though the night.

Your baby will probably sleep through the night any time from now until 3yrs bearing this in mind I wouldn't give up my lie in's while still getting up in the night, if you want to maybe you could get up at 8am on the nights you haven't been awake too much?

[LoveMyGirls]

If he's finding it hard he could go to bed earlier, we both used to go to bed as early as we could when dd2 was little. Dd2 is 2 now and we have the odd late night but more often than not we're in bed between 9- 10 pm and we take it in turns to get up.

[mankymummy]

totally agree with LMG... if you are the only one up in the night and you are BF (i say this because it does take it out of you) then i think you need the lie-ins.

why does DP want you to stop the lie ins?

are you sure he's not just saying you dont spend any time together?