How long will my new nightmare and upset child take to go back to normal and should I say anything to my friend?

[twinsetandpearls]

I was going to put this in am I being unreasonable but I know I am not.

DD had an extra week of school so she went to stay with my sister. For two days dd stayed with a friend and her family. Said friend has just gone through a divorce and reliving her teenage years. She has always been a wonderful mum and even cared for dd while I was in hospital so I had no concerns about her caring for dd. Her own child had always been a bit of a spoilt madam though, but friend admits this and has always been very good with my dd.

I collected dd yesterday from friends house to find out that she had been watching nightmare on Elm Street on you tube, dd is 6. The night before they had been up until 4 in the morning. They had not got dressed all day and all she had eaten was some cereal and biscuits. There were teenagers trapsing in and out of the house, although they seemed OK actually. The house was completely upside down, the room where she was sleeping we could not see the floor ( this is her own business but worrying as her house is always so tidy) there was scribble all over the walls - dd had added to this.

DD has come home with a real attitude that I would expect from my hard core year 9s.

Then to top it all when we were discussing our move down south dd asked how far from London we were because we could go to the spearmint club to learn to dance, I realised she meant the Spearmint Rhino lapdancing clubs

She has asked me to take her to some godawful clothes shop in town where they sell tarty clothes for girls - I am not!

Since coming back dd has been exhausted and visibly upset, she is clinging to dp and I and wanting us to be in the same room all the time.

Do I say anything to my friend or just not let her go again?

[Yabbadabbadooo]

Nightmare on Elm St - aged 6??? WTF??? FGS - that film freaked me out no end and I was a teenager when it came out.

As for the Spearmint rhino stuff and clothes - easier to deal with but absolutely not for 6 year olds.

You say something. Big Time. Now. And tell your friend to sort her act out before you ever see her again.

[twinsetandpearls]

I know yabbadabbadooo it scares me at 33! I don;t know exactly what she watched as it was on you tube. But that worries me as well kids on the internet unsupervised.

She has been such a god friend and as we are moving away dd will not need to go there again so I don't know if to just keep quiet.

She is obviously going through a hard time and she was a real rock for me in my difficult time.

[SoupKitchen]

I hope she recovers from this episode quickly, she sounds like she just needs your love and security at the moment.
If I were you I would be furious that DD had been exposed to all this

I would not let her go again, but i would also express my concerns to friend and check she is ok as tbh she sounds like she is not coping.

imo 6 yr olds would not have looked up nightmare or heard about spearmint rhino without outside influence.

[twinsetandpearls]

My friend was not in the house when they were watching you tube, she had popped to the shop leaving the kids with a 19 year old.

[Amandella]

Wow, this is really difficult. It sounds to me like your friend is really struggling and yes, she may well be reliving her teenage years and I suppose that's her business. However, I would certainly expect a certain level of basic care from her as regards your daughter (eg food/sleep etc) so I'd be v. annoyed personally. However, I don't think you should go steaming in there as really, how she lives her life and runs her house is her business. I'd try to approach her sympathetically saying that dd had been exhausted and not sleeping well (blame the DVD) since she got back...and say that you'd noticed that life had changed a bit in her house. See how she is in herself - perhaps she is just struggling to cope and needs support. I'm wouldn't let dd stay there again though, until she had sorted herself out.

[twinsetandpearls]

That is it exactly Amandella, I knew things were not 100% rught withg her but thought that while my dd was there she would make an effort to provide basic care.

Apparantly her dd who is 10 fends for herself now while my friend has all of her sons ( he is about 18) friends around.

[twinsetandpearls]

I know the lapdancing stuff is not the worst bit, but and I know this is going to sound awful. We have raised dd in Blackpool wanting to insulate her from the awful extremes and it just seems in two days dd has become a typical Blackpool townie child.

[mrspnut]

How old are your friend's kids because I would be concerned about their wellbeing if they are in this situation.

Your own child is at least safe with you but they won't have that luxury. I think you need to say something to her for her own children's sake.

[twinsetandpearls]

DD is 10 and son is 18.

[micci25]

if it is the film that is making her scared and clingy dont you know anyone who has the double disc dvd? it shows on there how the make up, wardrobe and sfx was done and oculd help reinforce to her that it is not real.

talk to her about what went on at the house and how feels about it and ask if she has any questions. she is probably just feeling confused and insecure. assure her that she doesnt have to go there again. im am sure she will come around fairly quickly now that she is back home with you

[twinsetandpearls]

I think she knows it is not real, I think it was more the time away from us at that house that has upset her. DD is an only child and in her own way quite pampered, she is the centre of our lives, gets lots of attention and has a clear routine. To be left to her own devices for a few days would seem completely alien to her.

Maybe I am being precious though and it was the film.

She is saying it was great being with her friend but won't tell us much more other than there was not a lot of food and the film.

[twinsetandpearls]

Should I say anything to her school, what if she goes in talking about the film, I will have them on the phone or end up being called in.

[twinsetandpearls]

I am going to take her swimming at our gym this afternoon and we will go to the fair later.

[NYC6723]

I don't understand this post... did you not see the state of her house when you dropped off your child. And if not - then whose fault is it that you don't approve of a household you didn't inspect before leaving your dd there for a week?

You yourself stated that you knew she was going through a rough patch and was experiencing a second adolescence... Sounds like you made a bad choice and are now blaming your friend...

[OverMyDeadBody]

Sounds like your friend is struggling.

Just be glad you are moving away. Nightmare on Elm Street gave me nightmares and I was 15 when I watched it.

Hopefully your DD will get over it soon, and the other influences too, once she gets back into the routine of life with you.

[OverMyDeadBody]

I would say nothing more abou tit tbh, and not mention it to dd again. Hopefully that way she will just forget it. If you keep talking abou tit is will reinforce her memories of it.

[twinsetandpearls]

I didn;t see the house, dd was with my sister but was getting a bit bored so dd dropped her with my friend ( who is my sister's aunty - compliated fanily don;t ask) for an overnight stay. Until dd started school she used to stay there regularly and my friends child would stop here, she is also dd godmother.

I had been to the hosue before and it had seemed fine.

My friend has been around a few times and although we noticed the reliving her youth bit we did not think much of it.

My friend has always been one of the best parents I know, someone I look up to and admire and go to for advice.

I am annoyed with my friend but also worried about her.

[micci25]

i would say it was the film and yes she will talk about it so i would warn the school. my dd learned from a very young age how to work my dvd player. i left alone to wash up with a barney dvd on but when i had finished and came to see what she was doing as she was v v quiet, normally watching barney she is singing and dancing, she had pilfered through all the dvds and decided to put halloween on . obv i turned it off straight away. but she had already been introduced to micheal myers.

cue lots and lots of conversations about micheal myers being a bad man, nightmares about him etc. i have showed her how the film was made and she seemed to accept that it wasnt real. and stopped having the nightmares, or as she puts it, micheal myers came into her room so she smacked his bum and told him to go away and not come back.

that was two years ago and it seems to have stuck in her mind. but she rarely talks about it now, although occasionaly tells people when she grows up she is going to marry micheal myers

and all our dvds are now locked away. your dd will definately be talking about this and will probably be scared of it too.

im sure the lack of routine will have upset her, but she should be okay now she back with you, imo it is definately the film and maybe that she was left alone in the house?

[twinsetandpearls]

It was not the untidyness of the house that bothered me either NYC6723 so even if I had dropped dd off it would not have been an issue. It is the other stuff.

[twinsetandpearls]

She was singing a sing from the film yesterday, as she was singing it I could see she was scared.

She slept with us last night and there were no nightmares though.

[NYC6723]

Sorry this makes no sense... your sister then saw the state of the house and the casual supervision going on - she made the judgement call to leave your dd in that environment... i would be mad at my sister as much as my friend... That being said I would absolutely never let my child be in this 'friends' care again.

I would also just let it go... take her to see another age appropriate movie with bfriend at the cinema... make a big thing out of it and it will help in large part to erase the Nightmare on Elm St fiasco... when and only if she brings it up - say it is a bad movie and all pretend and not somethign for little kids to watch

[twinsetandpearls]

I have had words with my sister already NYC6723.

She is not a friend in inverted commas either she is and always will be one of the people in the world I care the most for and have the most repect for. She managed to get me and dd through one of the most difficult periods of her life.

[NYC6723]

If that is the case with the friend.. I would not be able to hold in my upset of the situation - not to mention my concern over her own children..

GL - it sounds like you might want to try and bring a few people who care about this women together to have a group talk with her about how you guys can all help her...

[twinsetandpearls]

That is a good idea NYC6723.

I really do feel for her she was trapped in an awful marriage for years with no life and I can understand some of what is going on.

I don;t know how to approach this.

[twinsetandpearls]

I feel awful that we are about to move away when my friend clearly needs the support of us all. She did so much for me and this is my chance to repay.