Mumsnet Talk

How old is too old? Have you had a baby over 40 or more and how do you feel? Do others ever comment?

about 36 appparently
I feel too bloody old anyway (am 34 weeks pg)

for me personally, I think I am too old now (just turned 36). Not because I think I am too old at 36 to have a baby, but because I do not want teenagers when I am in my 50's. Which is a shame, because I would happily have another baby (if I had a partner...).

About 50 I think. DH's sister was born when their mum was 44 and I don't think anyone has commented ever.

SIL is now 17 and MIL and FIL still seem to have as much energy as ever .

I feel that you should try to be young enough to ON AVERAGE see your child through to adulthood. By that I don't mean 18 I would suggest 25 (ish)
so if average death occurs for a woman at 85 I think 60 is the VERY latest.
My comfort zone is early/mid 40's

I would say that as long as you conceive naturally then no age is too old. I am however uncomfortable with women having IVF in their late 50s and sixties.

I think there is no limit as long as you are still fertile. My great-grandmother had her last child at 50...what a suprise that baby was! A happy suprise though!

I want to be finished by 30 ideally, as my eldest will be 11 and i dont want a huge gap between the first and eldest. This is just for me as i think as long as you can concieve then i cannot see the problem, my aunt had her 1st baby when i had mine and she was 37.

I think if you get pregnant with assistance after you would have naturally gone through the menopause then that's rather weird.

(Not talking about women who have had premature menopause by the way).

I'm personally uncomfortable with women over about 42, particularly if it's their first. But I know that's a controversial view.

I agree with -as long as it is natural- these ladies having ivf at 60 seems a little ott!

dont know.

I dunno, 50?

My Grandma had a baby naturally at nearly 47.

It was her last of five, a 'surprise' and apparently it nearly finished her off!

I don't feel anywhere near too old, and I'm 36. I knew a couple who had failed to concieve, and had a suprise which resulted in the mum giving birth at 50!

I agree that conceiveing artifically after menopause is too old, but then unfortunately some women do suffer early monopause, so I would have to say late 40's- 50 would be my upper limit.

My mum was 35 whe I was born, and in those days that was ancient!

i dont really have an opinion on this but..
im 30 and feel i have a good few years yet hopefully!dh mum was 37 when she had him which i dont find odd.

I had my third baby at 47.
How do I feel ? Like a zombie right now but was shoveling 2 tons of soil today as well.
I have had the occasional 'good for you' but apart from that it does not seem to surprise anyone including the midwives here...I was seen three times during the entire pregnancy - at 9 weeks, middle then the delivery.

I miss the help and support from our mums though as they both died years ago.

Gentle otter I am sorry to hear about your mums. Pleased you have 3 children and feel good, sounds like you are as strong as an ox too!!!woth all that shovelling!

I had my first at 36 and wish I'd had him earlier. I wish I'd had another but split with his father. Now I think I'm too old, I'm 41. If not physically (which I'm sure I am) then I am too old to cope again with the exhaustion of it all. It's all so much easier now but I haven't got the energy of a 25 year old anymore. I had a really hard pregnancy and labour and I think it would have been easier if I'd been younger.

Thanks winegumss.

in my mind until you stop being fertile - so once you hit the menopause - that's it.......

Agree with what others have said - if you're older (50 plus i reckon) and need assistance then maybe you're too old.

I think that i would have been happy up to maybe around mid/late 40's so after this is prob where in my mind would be too old.

I'm unfortunately finished at age 32

Agree with FAQ - the menospause is natures way of saying ' no more babies'

post menopause - not premature menopause, but you know, natural menopause.

Honestly?

I would think that 40 is too old but only because by the time they're teenagers you would be 50 something and that seems abit unfair. Esp if your a teenager like I was who wanted my parent's to come out with me round town on my 18th birthday.

Hope that doesn't offend anyone - just my opinion.

I had dd at 43. That wasn't the plan - long story but it took 8 years to get her. I would have another if I could. I don't think it's ideal to have children at this age - for mother or baby - but I don't think it's any less ideal than many other situations. I do feel a duty to try and survive into her adulthood - and 25 is the age I have as a minimum in my mind. It does worry me a lot that I might die while she is young. (Both my parent had died before she was born.)

I don't like to judge anyone's age, although I am not keen on being 50+ and using donor - the two combined does not sit well with me. But perhpas I am wrong - after all - the test is really whether those children are glad to have been born. That's something we must all hope for.

But no, I don't think I am too old to have a first child - she's nearly 3 and I'm now 46.

Lucky - no offense, but my younger parents would never have come out on the town with me. Old as I will be, I am pretty certain I will be younger in spirit than my parents were when dd is a teenager!

As more and more women decide to secure a career the age of 1st time parents going up though isn't it? I agree that as long as you can conceive naturally then that fine. Having said that, I wouldn't want anyone who desperately wanted babies and couldn't naturally for whatever reason not experience the joy of it all.

wot expat said

Again - another vote for 'post menopause'

As a mother, I don't know what I'd do without my mum's help, I would just fall to pieces. But if my children wait as long as me (late 30s) to have children, I'm going to be nearly 80 when they have babies? And we don't live very long in my family... So that's not ideal, I think. I think I would enjoy having grandchildren and want to be there for my daughter, so for that reason I wish I had started a lot earlier, but life's not like that, is it? You meet the right man when you meet the right man, you're ready when you're ready.

Looking forward and doing some adding up, when the baby is 21, I will be 68, son will be 46 and DD 32.
In two years we will have a teenager, a toddler and maybe a menopause....God help my husband.

Had my first at 32 and my last (2nd) at 40. I didn't feel too old at all. I look about the same age as most of the other mums when I'm collecting my current 11 year old but it has struck me that I will look old when my youngest is about 10 or 11.

If I had my time again and knew then what I knew now etc I'd have started at 25 and had 2 or 3 very quickly (pretty much as my own mother did). My mum died at 73 and I feel really really sad that I may only live to see my youngest to 33; I want longer, much longer with her . Whatever age I die at, I feel I could have had another 10-12 years if I'd known better.

I had dd, my first/only, at 41 - and I think I'm a MUCH better mum because I was older. And I can't say I've found it exhausting anyway, so that hasn't been an issue for me.

I must admit I find it a bit strange that people think over 40 is too old! And dh is now 50 and has a 5 year old and I don't see anything "unfair" in that.

Only because they are not 40 yet Sufermum - oh the naivety of youth!

when your body says no naturally. (discounting early menopause though, as some poor girls go through that in their teens )

That must be it! I'm sure I thought I'd be well over the hill at 40 when I was in my 20's - cozy slippers and watching Emmerdale, not staggering home from the wine bar with my bra on my head .

I don't have an opinion on what other people should do, it is a personal choice.

Personally, I have not hung about having this, my last baby as I didn't want to be too far past 40 before getting back into my studio.

I would have preferred to have conceived my first child,and hence had all my children about five years earlier, but it wasn't viable with DH having to retrain for new career.

I'll be just short of 38 when this baby is born.

MY PIL had my DH and BIL when in their 40's and they are now in their late seventies and early eighties, and unable to be as active with their grandchildren as they would have liked.

Whereas my parents, now in their 80's, are still very fit and active and have been able to look after dd for me on the days I work - they had her for a full day yesterday.

DH insisted we had our kids by age 30 (which we did).

I think over 45 for me.

when you've gone through menopause.

Quite so. My parents in law were very fit and healthy, but a number of factors have conspired against them. MY MIL has had cancer and my FIL has lost his short term memory through a subdural haematoma. Not so much to do with age perr se, but their recoveries from these medical issues have affected by their age..it's very sad.

My nana was a real livewire but developed alzhimers two years after retirement. Life has no guarantees.

I meant really that the fact that we left having a family until a bit later and they had left it until later too has affected things.

Worrying about your age and fitness as a parent is one thing - but worrying about the age and fitness of grandparents strikes me as bizarre. Fit and helpful grandparents are a bonus that many parents, old and young, manage without.

Absolutely Acinonyx!

I had my 3rd at 41.

It was a fab pg, I felt great and sailed through it. I've coped better with the sleepless nights than with the other 2, and i simply don't feel old. (When i catch sight in the mirror I'm shocked).

I do feel an obligation to take extra care with my health and fitness so I can be around as long as possible. I feel very optimistic.

In answer to OP, as others have said, post-menopause. I think nature knows what she's up to.

You are taking this as a criticism of older parents, aren't you? Don't. That was not what I was talking about.
I was merely putting forward my own personal experience of how the age the two generations had children has affected the family dynamics.

And actually, I do worry about the health of my PIL, I love them very much, but their age was not a consideration as to when I had my family. I am glad they are around to have met their grandchildren, though.

It really depends on the individual imo.

Pinky - I have seen people really make this a major argument though which I think is weird. Of course it would be nice - I myself would like to be a spritely grandmother but that is somewhat unlikely.

My parents aren't that fussed about grandchildren. I would have valued my nana's opinion on many things as I grew up, but sadly it was not to be.
My MIL does talk whistfully of how much involvement she had with our nieces, but it can't be helped, can it?

I wasn't fortunate enough to get pg(through to fruition)until I was 33, so at 34 I had my first. I was almost 43 when I had Dd and my Dp was 49, we didn't plan her. He had a medical last month and was told he has the body of a 35 yo. Lucky him! I'm sure that I do not! but I know that I'm lucky enough to be aging very well and although I sometimes feel extremely old(which is through illness)I know I can fade well into the background of 30 something women and not stick out too much!
I also worry about dying young(ish)and not being around for my Dc's well into established adulthood and I too am from a family of women that die young.
I believe that women should stop having babies at about 48 - 50 and certainly don't feel that IVF on 55, 60 year old women is fair on a child to be,, but that's easy to say because I have my babies...

I was 42 when I had my last. I don't think I was too old, but now I'm in my 50's and I've rediscovered sleep I wouldn't want to do it all again. Most comments I've had have been positive ones.

Now I am over 50, I find it a bit odd to meet women who are younger than me but whose children have all flown the nest. Even more bizarrely, I'm convinced they all look older than me but that's probably just me being self-delusional.

I must admit, the fact I'll share much less of dd's life than of my older dc's (there's a 21yr age gap) makes me but it's not something I dwell on too much. A bigger drawback is having to deal with a baby and elderly parents at the same time. My dad was nearly 50 when I was born so by the time I had dd2 he was about 90 and died when she was two.

suedonim,, your family are lovely!

If I was being objective I'd say menopause.

If I was saying for me personally, I think 35-40 is pushing it.

Very personal & it's interesting reading everyone's views.

I wanted kids young, was desperate for a baby as soon as I got married at 26. DH wanted to wait, then we had a few years TTC so I've had my kids 8-10 years older than I wanted. It's turned out fine but it means that I see myself as an "older" mum even though loads of people have babies at my age.

I had my 3 boys between the ages of 37 and 41. I didn't feel any worse at 41 than I did at 37, although I had two toddlers as well. Lots of comments from parents about the risk we were taking having another child at over 40, but it was something we wanted so we went ahead.

I had my last at 40 and I don't feel like that was at all too old for me.
Too old for me would probably be post-menopause.

I wouldn't want to judge what's right for other women or even society. At a push I'd say maybe about 60 because I can't fathom a woman's body being up for it at that age -- probably my failure of imagination rather than any strong biological basis (assuming donor eggs).

Keep in mind that men can still become dads into their 90s, which people raise eyebrows about but not half as judgementally as when women incubate in their late 30s-40s. And many people end up raising their grandchildren whether they want to or not, and nobody would judge them and say they shouldn't be allowed.

Babies are born to less than ideal parents all the time, I can't see that advanced maternal age is that much worse than if the parents are poor, ill-educated, non-professionals, have a family history of undesirable health conditions, etc.

In terms of other people - I think that anything up to the natural age of menopause (so about 50). It's really up to them!

For me - I would worry about having another child after this one because I'm getting on a bit (although not close to 50, honest!) and the chances of things going wrong does go up. If anything happened to DD or this DB (am PG right now) then I would probably consider TTC again though.

If it's a natural pregnancy then any age really although the thought of having babies whilst edging towards fifty would make me shudder.

For me personally I didn't want to have any babies after 30

For me personally, I am done after this one at 34. However, if I had a bigger house, more money, more help, and better health, I would have more up to my early 40s I think.

Generally though, up to menopause is normal...isn't that the point of menopause?

i am nearly 40 and would love another baby. sorry to hear so many of you think i am over the hill. perhaps you're right and that is why i only have one child.

God now for me (42)

I had ds at 43 - I don't think I've ever had any comments about my age, positive or negative. Not even from the medical people. Although my gp,who we know socially, and who is only a year or so older than me and whose youngest child was leaving for university 5 months before ds was due couldn't get his head round the idea at all - I think he was worried that I would give his wife ideas1

I don't think that having children early so that you can go out for a night on the town with them when they are 18 is a good enough reason to do it before you are ready! Seems like quite a trite reason to be against older parents.

I agree though that menopause is nature's way of saying you couldn't cope with a baby now.

I find at 27 that I am at a funny age as a first-time mum, most of the mums around here are either a bit older or a bit younger than me. That's said DH is 42, so how old is too old for a father is a whole different ball game isn't it?!

My easiest pg (physically) by far was my last - at 42/43. He is nearly 6 months old and I have just turned 44. I am naturally quite energetic and certainly have more oomph than my 18 yr old dd. Tis all a state of mind. Had my first at 24; little yummy ds is my last!

Had my first at 25, that should read....

Cherie Blair has a lot to answer for. I'd decided that DS3 was probably my last, although DH wanted at least one more. Then CB got pregnant at 46 which just gave DH ammunition against my argument that I was too old to have another one. I stuck to my guns though, mainly because the gap between DS3 and any subsequent child would have been greater than between the others and I couldn't face doing the school run and playground bit for more years than absolutely necessary!

I had my 4 at 25, 27, 29 and 30. I think it depends on whether it's your first or last. In my head 35 is about the limit for your first and 40 for your last......40 is too old for the first (in my head).

Then you need to take into consideration how old your partner is aswell. My DH was 30, 32, 34 and 35 and was adament he was not having anymore kids when he was approaching 40 so we got cracking

also wanted to add that the younger you have your kids the more likely it is you'll get to spend lots of time with your grandchildren and they will have memeories of you.

agree with post-menopause

of course, menopause does come earlier to childless women but I suppose that is nature as well - women with children understand better what they are letting themselves in for

It's because if you're pregnant yo're not releasing eggs, so you won't run out as quickly.

Maybe.

My personal view is that it should be the general menopausal age that is used though, not a woman's own menopause. Because some women do have an early menopause and I don't think that they should be denied fertility treatment because of that.

Agree, Mrs TM

The odd thing about human females is not menopause - but the fact that we live so long after it. Most mammals just pop their clogs at the end of their reproductive life. There is a theory that our post-reproductive life spans were selected for because of the help that grandmothers gave in rearing children and reducing child mortatlity.

As for nature's message. Until recently, women would generally have been bearing children continuously from early adulthood onwards and menopause really would have signalled a much needed physical respite. That is no longer true now though. We are, in many welcome respects, a long way from living the natural life of prehistoric women.

Just something to think about.

Just had a think about this, and in retrospect it's quite funny that we all seem to have quite a specific age in our own heads about how late we would be willing to have children.

I really should know better, partly because DH and I have found out many, many times, that you never know how you will feel in a specific situation until you're actually there (we did that with fertility treatment, by the way "oh no, we're not doing that" - and guess how we conceived both times ). And partly because I went to my counsellor to discuss my fear of childbirth yesterday, and I told her that the doctors were so concerned about my future fertlity (and risks of CS) and that I didn't care because we were so lucky to have DD and this PG and it was so unlikely that I would conceive again anyway. And then she asked me how I would feel if we lost DD or the DB. And of course, she's right.

For other people - the menopause. For me? I feel done at 37. Have 3 though and all broodiness has departed (having been there from early 20's until ds3 was born when I was 34).

MrsMouse - I definitely didn't think we would try again after I turned 40. Absolutely not. Time to move on. Then at 42 we changed our minds and at 43 dd arrived. I would definitely have another one now, at 46, if it were possible. It is indeed very hard to be certain about these things.

I have a two year old and I'm 43, and would love another so he had a sibling which would probably put me at around 45/46 for the second.

I'm interested in those that think this is too old (not offended by the way, I've learnt to not give two hoots about what anyone thinks). SOmeone said 50 was too old to have small children - How old do you think you are going to feel at 50?! My mum looks after DS for one day a week at 69 and if necessary has been known to have him all week - I have no doubt if she had children at 50 she would easily have coped and would equally be coping well with teenagers now.

There are things which are different about having children older. You don't have as much energy (but that doesn't really affect your child, you just slump harder in the evenings) and on some occasions you are old enough to be the other mums mother (though not generally in my part of town) on the other hand, I've had 20 years of clubbing and travelling, eating out and smart holidays, working like a loon in a high powered career etc and I really don't mind staying in and chilling out. My friends (even those without children) aren't out clubbing whilst I stay home changing nappies - they're all at home watching CSI!

I think I'm calmer and more financially stable. There are pros to being an older mother too.

For me, it will be 41/42 - that's not because of a specific age, but DH and I have agreed that we will TTC for 2 more years, and after that we will stop trying, for our own mental health more than anything.

Of course, if I get pregnant in the next 2 years, I reserve the right to revise my upper age limit

lapin - best piece of (mental health) advice I was given when starting IVF was "choose the number of times you're going to try and stick to it". It was good advice and I don;t regret giving up when I did even though it was hard at the time - I think I would be a twitching wreck if I had tried any more.

well, say once a week, twice on holidays, oce on the weekend, twice if DS is at Grandmas... <tries to count on fingers>

OH! Do you mean number of children?!

Yes, I know what you mean. Before I had a child, I wanted four - now I think two would be perfect although if we only have DS, I will still feel blessed.

<disclaimer - I may take that back - he is drawing on the sofa with a felt-tip pen - ARGH>

Kewcumber - I'm really impressed that you were able to stick to it. I have a feeling that I would be someone who would wear myself down into the ground by never giving up. Which is stupid really, especially as things worked out so well for you in the end.

I'm not sure there is any finite age limit, I think it depends entirely on the individual. I guess the only two caveats to that are:

- I think you need to be fairly confident that you'll be around to support your children into adulthood (early 20s); I don't know about anyone else, but having your parents around until you're capable of standing on your own two feet was pretty important to me in a varity of ways (but maybe I was just very immature!)

- I'd want to be physically able (and have the energy) to enjoy and play with my children, especially when they're younger, i.e. run around, play football, climb trees, go swimming, all that kind of stuff. Purely personal thing and maybe because my own father was a little older and wasn't able to do it so much but I really want to be able to do that with my kids.

NO LAPIN - I mean number of IVF cycles! Not half as much as trying the "normal" way...

MrsT - it was hard giving up because of course you don't know at that point that things will work out fine (if different). Of course there is always a sadness at being unable to know what its like to be pregnant but the knowledge that if I had got pregnant I wouldn't have DS which is very soothing to me!

I'm 31 and rather blithely assume I have a good 10 years left to get to the 4 I rather madly want (half way there already). But not taking it at all for granted - I get pg very easily but have had 3 mcs.

I have absolutely no intention of climbing any trees.

id say about 50 max, i mean your kids need you to be around for a bit don't they!!

but for me personally i think 35-40

but then wouldn;t have at 20 either.

I have a colleague who had a DS at 43 after donor IVF. She suddenly wanted a baby because her DH (early sixties) was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she feared being alone.

I have no doubt that she is a wonderful mother but I was uncomfortable with her reasons for suddenly deciding to start a family. Not sure I can even put my finger on exactly why. Of course her reasons were selfish. But our reasons for wanting to start a family were probably just as selfish.

I know women in the 40's preg and I think good on them if thats what they want. But for me I wouldnt want to be preg after 35, probably because already had a few mcs. Have since had 2ds's but still concerned it can happen again and the chances do increase after 35

Post menopause

KC: I'm 44 and DH and I have talked about whether we would adopt a third at this point. I have to admit that I do feel too old but I think that's partly because my family seems complete and the idea of girding my mental loins to battle through a third adoption is enough to send me whimpering to the sofa to watch re-runs of "Location Location Location". Also, DD1 is about to finish Y2 and DD2 Reception, so we have gone so far past the baby or even toddler stage, that it's almost inconceivable to return. And I'm not sure I can face adding another five years to the date by which the DCs will be financially independent and I can retire.

However, if we had only one child and that child was still at the pre-school stage, it would be completely different.

Can I ask, have you applied to update your homestudy and re-start the process? We went straight from DD1's re-adotpion into DD2's adoption. The break we took after DD2's re-adoption was completely fatal to our prospects of adopting a third!

<<Whispers>> But never say never. In the incredibly unlikely event that Cambodia reopened for adoption and we came across an older child that clearly belonged to our family............

most people decide to be paretns for selfish reasons but they're generally to do with wanting a fmialy unit or wanting to nurture to satify your own needs. Wanting a child to stop you being lonely does mke me wince a bit but in the way these things normally go, your friend will have a normal child and love him in the say way that the rest of us do.

Children sometimes have a way or normalising even the oddest of parents

Yes Issy I have (but don't tell anyone) but they're making me wait until readoption is complete in UK before I can start (probably October)

"Best piece of (mental health) advice I was given when starting IVF was "choose the number of times you're going to try and stick to it"."

We got that piece of advice too. Ours was along the lines of infertility treatment is a roller coaster and you need to be clear about when to get off. We disembarked before we even got to IVF and I've never regretted that either.

I had my dd at 41 and my DS3 at 43 (he's 10 months old now). I don't honstly feel any differently to when I had my first two children in my late twenties and early thirties.

Lots of people who say they are going to have their children young so they can travel/go and live in Tuscany/concentrate on their careers never do.

I still keep promising myself a missed gap year!

Fantastic KC! It's all a blur now, but I think we were also made to wait until DD1 had been re-adopted although I have a feeling our social worker turned up for the first homestudy update visit the next week.

Kewcumber - I hope I didn't imply that giving up was easy for you. I think the exact opposite, which is exactly why I'm so impressed that you were able to do the right thing for you.

No no MrsT - I didn;t think thats what you were implying. The worst thing was reading every half baked newspaper report (generally in the Mail) about some new technique that they were developing in IVF and wondering if I should consider going back and asking about it. It was very hard to let go.

I had DD2last year, when I was 40. Have found it a real stuggle, really, really hard work. And I know my age hasn't helped in terms of being up and at it all the time. But as long as you're prepared for that, have one when you're 60 that's what I say.

Better than having one when you're 12, |I would argue...

Kewc so sorry, I missed that you said IVF!

We've decided that we won't go for IVF

I had my 2 dcs at 37 and 39. Part of me would like another, but I am pretty exhausted these days and we feel as though we have our hands full as it is. I have mentally said to myself that if I still feel like I would like another one when I am 43, then I'll talk to dh about it. Somehow imagine that by the time I get there, I'll be so relieved to be (hopefully) feeling semi human again, any remaining broody feelings will have gone. But I suppose for me, 43 is a sort of (randomly chosen) limit.

But I wouldn't say that people shouldn't have children after a certain age. Would agree with those who said up to natural menopause seems reasonable.

I was bloody knackered when I was pg at 34

however two of my best friends had babies at 42 and they are among the best mums I know

it's odd, isn't it - my mum was really against me having a baby past 35 (I don't want anymore anyway), yet her own mother had her - first and only child - at 38

so if the world had stuck to her own rules she wouldn't even have been born

I think as long as your body is up for it, it's fair game. After all we didn't even have contraception a few decades ago. Nature decided when the game was up then - why do we think we are cleverer than nature?

Message withdrawn

My parents weren't old - but they never played football, climbed trees, couldn't swim. I don't think that generation were much into actually playing with their children.

I think most of us didn't really plan to have children late. Weighing up the pros and cons is very sensible if you are younger and actually have the choice but once you are older - but I don't see the cons as so serious that you would not have children once you were older (if you see what I mean).

I know someone who had a child because their dh was terminally ill. That makes me uncomfortable. I read posts all the time where it seems people are ttc in dreadful situations. We all have our comfort zones and probably less than half of us would be universally acknowledged as being just the right kind of parents in all respects.

43. Especially if your last pregnancy ended up with pre-eclampsia, and your gp ringing up to see if you wanted a test for down's syndrome.

Actually I think everyone who wants to have childrne should be made to have them by IVF - that would your resolve at any age!

Maybe I'm run for office and bring it in as a law.

depends entirely on whether we are talking about a first baby , or a seventh.
if a woman can conceive a baby naturally at 55, then who are we to say she cant be a mother?
but, if a woman has already gone through natural menopause, then questions start arising in my mind.

that would test your resolve at any age

After 4 fresh and 3 FET IVf cycles - I totally agree with you Kewcumber!

You can be my deputy prime-minister Acinonyx!

I had a surprise baby last year,after a 21 year break,I was 42.I have enjoyed being a mummy again so much that I want to try for just one more.I don't feel too old and incidentally my first grandchild was born the day before my daughters first birthday and we all think it's wonderful.

Lily - my mum's youngest Aunt was two years older than her. It really wasn;t that uncommon in the days of much larger families. Women quite commonly kept having childrne until the menopause - I think this idea that mothers should be in their 20's must be a relatively recent thing.

Up to natural menopause if you feel fit.

I think the age and fitness question is going to differ enormously from family to family. Some people stay young in their fifties, others become old round about the age of 35.

Of my SILs, the one who had her first aged c. 45 is still a very active person now he's a preteen and I can't see her slowing down any time soon.

My other SIL who had had all hers by her mid-thirties had subsided in front of the television by the time she hit 40; in fact, I can't remember ever seeing her running around with them.

My FIL who became a father in his late fifties was still an active and alert man in his eighties and wouldn't have been an embarrassment to any teenager. Or yes, well he would, but not through any lack of joie de vivre iyswim.

personally I think it's the same for men and women regardless of menopause...but it does depend on your quality of life, past experiences etc...

I'm 25 with 1st baby on the way, always thought I'd be 28-30 but more and more glad that I'm young because people in my family and DH's family don't last long until they get physical or mental health problems (normally 50's-60's), and I'm really looking forward to having a whole new lease of life with DH at a relatively young age when our children have flown the nest

my parents are about to be grandparents for the 1st time aged 50 and it's brilliant them being so young and able...my grandma died this year having had alzeihmers for 10 years (started when she was 62) and it's been hard enough for my mum to cope with as an adult, I can't begin to think how awful it would be if she'd still been a teenager.

Personally I'd want to be 35 at the very latest, but don't see it as weird any older than 45 for others (dependant on health etc)...am also very aware I'm incredibly lucky to have met DH at a young age so I have the choice of being a younger mum

oh, that's a tricky question.
TBH, I don't think it's ideal to wait until you're in your 40s, but that's primarily for morbid reasons - my mum died last year, she was only 58 and had been fit, active and healthy with no hint of any illness until 10 months prior to her death. The risk of serious illness does increase quite a lot in a woman's 50s, and I do feel some measure of comfort that a) my mum got to see me grow up and have children and b) should anything happen to me at that age, at least all of mine will be fully grown (I had my children in my early 20s).

I know life isn't often ideal etc., and that many women who have children later in life didn't choose to wait so long. But when I heard a 56 yr old woman talking on the radio about her's and her husband's desperate search for an egg donor, I was extremely She kept reiterating that she felt so young and was so healthy - all I could think was "well, that's how my mum felt just a few months ago, love!".

"I think it's the same for men and women regardless of menopause"

I agree. My father had a second family when he was about 50. At 72 he's now having to cope with one son who's just about to graduate from university but has kidney failure and another son who has dropped out of education and life. I know McCain thinks he can run the "Free World" at 72, but, fit though he is, this seems alot for my father to take on when he should have been pottering around Provence.

I would love to know how many mother say over 38 (compltely random choice there) "chose2 to wait to have their children. I don't know any one who wouldn't given the choice have had them earlier (in my case ideally 30's, tried for all my 30's fertility treatement staretd at 35, still not a mother until 41) but I assume there must be some women who do choose to wait.

i think that while you can have kiddies unaided by science then crack on but once you have menopause it is your bodys way of saying that you are past it and your body could not deal with it. i think egg donors is wrong past menopause.
but then i am pregnant with dc2 at 30 and saw a grey hair and thought i was too old!

I know plenty of older mums and not one was through choice. I do know people who chose not to ttc until early 30s - but no-one who actually chose to start ttc later than 33. Most of us married late and/or had fertility problems. We are emotionally and financially much more stable though. I never was much on running around and being sporty - even at 20 - but I yield a mean glue stick...

I do worry about my future health. But not so much that I think dd should not have been born. I nursed both my parents at home through terminal cancer as an only child. So I have some ideas about how to plan ahead and try to lighten the burden.

It really does depend on the individual imo. As a general rule I would say menopause (normal menopause age obv). But having said that, my Mum had my sister at 42 when she already had three teenage children. Dsis was a surprise baby and is wonderful and fabulous, but I feel sad for some aspects of her life particularly because our dad died when she was a baby and my Mum is very old fashioned and has health problems. Now that my brothers and I have all left home my sister at 16 lives with someone who is just about to become a pensioner and is hardly a sprightly young pensioner at that. Their holidays are city breaks which my sister enjoys but she would love a beach holiday or camping or whatever, something young and fun, which my Mum doesn't have the health or the inclination to do. Dsis's friends get taken to pop concerts and she goes to the theatre - again she enjoys that but feels she is missing out on the younger stuff.

My point is that it doesn't matter how old you are but your outlook on life is really important. It's the generation gap rather than the age gap that should be considered.

I plan to make my teenage nephew take DS to ppop concerts (it never was my thing even as a teen). You have to delegate people, delegate!

Lilliepie, just like me! I have a 20 year gap.
I have made some lifestyle changes ie gave up smoking, cut down drastically on drinking, eat healthily, want to be fit and healthy for my ds.
I am 40, I don't feel it. If I was wealthy and didn't have to work then I would have another one.

Interesting point about generation gap, Tigerfeet.

lol @ delegate

something my Mum seems unable to do

My brothers and I make a big effort to do things with dsis that Mum can't/won't do but we none of us live in the same town and it's difficult.

she is giving my dsis the childhood she wanted rather than the one dsis wants - a whole nother thread I reckon

Tiger we are off on holiday at christmas with extened multigenerational family - from my mum at 69 down through the middle agers teeagers and DS at 3 (then). We have picked a holiday that we think will give everyone a good time. I do think that you need to try to accomodate what your child needs but then I think thats not an age thing. I'm hoping to steer DS towards rugby rather than Football because I like rugby and can't abide football but tbh if he shows a particular prefernce or aptitude for football I'd trudge along every week if necessary.

I would love to do that Kewc but dh won't countenance it

Dsis would be far happier coming on holiday with us (with or without the rest of the family) than she is going away with just Mum.

Oh god I can feel a dh rant coming on... he is just so goddam insular, he doens't seem to think that I need to consider the rest of my family as well as him and dd. Arghhhhhhh.

For me it would be at the time of a woman's natural (not premature) menopause.

I imgine that my 'too old' threshold will change as I get older - over 50 is far too old in my opinion at the moment - but with improved health and longevity perhaps my feelings will change?

I found some old homework the over day written when I was 11ish and I had designed a lonely hearts club leaflet - anyway I had age group related magazines for my members and over 30's would be treated to a mag full of 'gardening hints, recipes and sewing tips' - clearly my feelings have changed on this now

35! Thats how old i was when i had DD2, she is 3 in July and i will be 79!!!

I'm 38 and have not had any babies yet. Am trying for my first and am shocked that someone said 36.

My grandmother had my mum (Naturally in 1947) when she was 43.

I haven't chosen to wait either, I was in a bad relationship for a number of years where children were totally out of the question.

I'm 41, have a 17 month old and am pregant again. Tbh I wouldnt ideally have left motherhood this late, but didnt meet dh until well into my thirties and then had fertility issues so this is just the way its turned out.

However, I try to focus on the positive, I have more patience and money (which means I dont have to work full time) now, even though my energy levels are perhaps not what they were!

I suppose I agree with many posters about the cut off being the age of natural menopause, but I reckon having kids in your thirties is the ideal age.

I was thinking about this thread overnight (couldn't sleep!) and it dawned on me that ds1 and dil will be 'older' parents. Dil is 33 soon and not likely to have a baby for at least two more years.

I found your comment interesting, Liliepie, about having a baby and grandchild so close in age. I'm so not ready to be a granny yet lol! For me, I think I'd find it hard to be a grandparent while still having a child myself. Although as ds1 lives half a wolrd away, in the US, I'm not likley to be called upon for sudden babysitting duties or anything, which is a bit .

Solo, thank you for your kind comment - you're very glamourous and your dc gorgeous. Love the bike, too.

Not sure for me... probably late 40s. But would all those who think 40 isn't too old like to gang up on Mr Ellbell for me?

I was thinking about this thread overnight, and spoke to dp this morning about it when he reminded me he will be 44 when this baby(dc4) is due and we have no intention of stopping.

I think for other people the sky´s the limit, do what you like ! Any age you can conceive is great, be it 30, 40 or 50.

For ME, I think that now that I´m 36 I would just feel too old (even if I´m not, technically)to start again. Must add here that I had difficult pregnancies (had to take medication every day with DS2), and PND twice, AND back problems...which all makes me feel older maybe than other women my age.

this thread reminds me of the conversations about sex i used to have as a teenager with my friends

you know

" its so gross, my parents had to do it twice to have me and my brother!"

" even worse, karen's parents must have done it two years ago coz she has a baby brother. thats so disgusting...they must be, like 40 or soemthing"

"imagine having to have sex with a man as old as my dad, he's 50, that makes me puke"

when you are 15, 40 seems over the hill. when you get here, you discover that its not that different from 30 really

TigerFeet, I really think your sister's problems are about your Mum as an individual rather than her age.

My parents were in their twenties when they had their first child and in the early thirties when they had me, but they still took us to the opera and never ever to a pop concert.

Dh, whose Dad was a pensioner by the time he got to secondary school, was much more likely to get taken to modern events.

I was very much into heavy culture when I was younger- opera, museums, Shakespeare- but am becoming more open to a wider range of experiences now I'm growing older. Probably too late for my own children- but I'll offer to take my grandchildren out!

I had DD1 and 41 and DD2 and 43 (again not a life choice on my behalf - how things turned out). To be honest don't think I'm doing anything different to how I would in my early 30s. I 'm very healthy and think I have as much energy I've alway been a bit square so would probably have never been a "trendy mum"! I do worry about dying while they still need me though - both my parents died in their early / mid 60's.

"By KristinaM on Fri 30-May-08 00:14:31
this thread reminds me of the conversations about sex i used to have as a teenager with my friends"

Me too but in a different way

"I am going to wait until I am 21"
"I don't think 15 is too young but I won't do it at 15"
"I won't do it until I meet the one I know I will marry"
"I can't wait"

For a first baby, I think over about 42 is pushing it. For me personally, I don't want to have any past 35. I'm sure most "modern" 42 year olds are perfectly capable of handling a baby, but the idea of being 60 and having an 18 year old stomping about the house would fill me with horror.

That's entirely my view though and not what I think everyone else should do. Except for 45 + who have gone through menopause having IVF. I do think that is a bit wrong.

suedonim I wasn't ready to be a grandmother lol but equally I didn't expect to become a mother again at 42.As I said previously I would love one more but if I don't conceive naturally then I won't be pursuing any other avenues.I feel that my three beautiful children have been a gift and if that is my lot then so be it.

By the way I had my first child at 18 and there are only 16 years between me and my Mum,so that poor woman was a granny at 34!!

She took it with remarkably good grace

I think people should be able to do what they like. People judje me for having DD at 20, however, I don't feel too young and the time was right for me and dh. Although I know alot of people older than me, who would feel to young. It depends on the indervidual and I don't think people should be judged on age alone.

for me personally, not after 30 (partly due to DH being 12yrs older than me, partly as i wanted to be as young and fit as possible having them, partly because i hope to enjoy retirement with no kids still at home- apart from possibly some grandkids, which i can give back!)

for others, i do feel that having a child at any age is a 'selfish' act anyway (ie we have them because WE want them), but having them past mid forties i feel is maybe more so. I'm thinking about higher risk of complications, more chance of parent becoming infirm / dying before child is an adult, possibly child feeling more pressure to continue living at home because parents are becoming infirm as they reach adulthood. (i have a colleague who still lives at home, and feels she can't leave because her parents are getting infirm)

That is an interesting point TattooedGrrrl, I have a friend in that situation too. He is in his late twenties and does not have much of a life as he cares for his elderly and infirm parents in the evenings. This will be controversial, but maybe planning for that situation is even more important for those who are likely to be single parents. The odds of at least one parent remaining healthy for longer are generally higher when there are two of you.

Ideally I would have completed my family before turning 30 but now I am just happy that I am expecting my first at 30.

Most people in their 60s however are not remotely infirm. Infirmity and dependence is much more likely in 'old' old age and varies enormously by wealth and class.

And many people having babies in their 40s will be wealthier and more established in a career than those in their 20s and 30s.

FWIW I think demography is turning back to women having babies younger - and the mean age has never been above 30 I don't think. This is of course affected by the extremes (women in their teens and their 40s...) I suspect the shift back to younger childbearing is something to do with better maternity policies and thus the sense that work and family can be combined.

Upwind - I think it is important for all parents to plan how they expect to be cared for if that need arises. I nursed both my parents (not simultaneiously though!). It was grim (but then life as the wise sage has it, 'is not all haha hehe') but it was for a relatively short time. The child should not be obligated to put their life on hold for their parents, but neither should they be excluded without consultation. In the end, I'm glad I was able to take care of them - it was my choice. But longer term, I would have needed more external support.

Personally i wouldn't have a baby past about 35 but that's just me as I want to enjoy my life 'afterwards' iykwim. But, I do think that people shouldn't judge. My mum had my youngest sister at the age of 48, her 5th child. She had the least complications of all with that pg and most people think she is 10 yrs younger than she is, she is very fit and healthy and probably alot more capable than some younger mothers. People's comments do get on my nerves but if you are healthy enough to conceive a child at that age naturally I don't see why not. I'm not sure that I agree with IVF for really old people and appreciate it is different if you had your first child past the age of 40 as it may be more of a shock.

I had my 20month old ds2 at 41! Defo did feel more tired than i did with dd1 (she is 10yo) but i would not change anything. i don't feel any older than i did 10 years ago and still consider myself an energetic and fun mummy! Age is irrelevant as some 20 year olds look pretty droopy and lack lustre imo! if i got pg again i would still have the baby even though i would be 43 when it arrived. (am not wanting any more but............) hth

Well I had my 4 between 22-29 and thought that was it, only to have dd2 at 43 The only people who have commented negatively are those "friends" whose DC are the same age as our older kids, who go on about being free while we start again.

But then having children never stopped us doing what we wanted to do and my plans of our life being like my parents at this age (lots of holidays etc) weren't going to happen anyway due to no money, and shift work!

As for the grandparents side of things, it's a shame that my mum isn't as fit now as she was when the others were little and probably won't be able to have DD for the week when she's 10 years old.

But my very fit and active dad died suddenly of a heart attack at 62, so didn't get the years we thought he'd have with his grandchildren. My own grandfather was doing handstands into the swimmingpool with me on his back at the age of 64; and walking 3 miles into town twice a week at 89. My horribly unfit MIL is OK at almost 80. You just don't know.

I had my first at 33 and second at 35. I am now nearly 38 and feel if i had another now it would finish me off! So for me personally I now feel I am too old to have any more. But on the other hand, I don't think I am too old if I was having my first now IYSWIM!

Theoretically at the menopause. It's there for a reason and unless it's a case of absurdly early menopause I don't see why it should be messed with.

Personally, I'm done now, and I'm 27. I wouldn't even think of it past 30, but that's down to how I wish to live my life, not the age thing.

I always knew I didn't want to be changing nappies at forty. And I won't be. My children will all be at school by the time I am big 40.

BUT if somebody who'd always wanted children was prg with their first at forty, I'd still be REALLY excited for them.

I worry too much. I fast forward allthe time to work out what age I'll be when dc2 might graduate or get married or make me a grandmother. Will I be so old I don't know what's going on around me!

agree ...up to menopause, but for me personally..not past mid 30's.

Ha but Greenelizabeth, we might be changing our grandchildren's nappies at 40 instead!!! My poor mum is 62 and she's (voluntarily I must stress) doing two days childcare a week.

All of you who are saying 'the menopause but not if it's early', what age do you mean? If it helps, it happens for most women between 45-55 with the average being 51. Where does early menopause end and normal begin? Just wondering because it seems a bit vague. Possibly because it's looming for me

I've a friend going through early menopause and she's very early thirties. However, some poor lasses go through it in their teens. Not pleasant.

Good point Spicemonster. I know it is possible for women in their twenties and thirties to have early menopause, but they are plainly not "too old".

I am uncomfortable with the idea of women having IVF post menopause when they are 45+
Of course, I may change my mind as I approach that age myself...

That's awful. I suppose I am thinking of my bf who started her menopause at 39 and it has been very hard for her, knowing she will never be pregnant. But she is adopting so hopefully it will all work out for her.

Sorry, musing here

Musing is good, not everything in life is black and white. My friend who is going thought the suspected early menopause is a little upset by it. She thought she was done with babies but when her period was insanely late with no real cause she started having 'what if?' thoughts. Now she's been told it's probably all out of her hands she's getting the odd 'bollocks!' thought.

I've had two over 40, and had absolutely no chance of having them earlier - yes, would have if I could, but couldn't.

And am hugely happy and grateful to have them now.

It totally depends on the woman, the situation (support etc), and so on...

In my early 30s I said 38 was my limit, then 40, then after more or less giving up dd1 was born when I was 43, and dd2 conceived when I was 45 (born when I was 46).

My granny is 101, my mother is 79 (and travels to France every month to see her), my other granny lived till 96....so 45 in my family doesn't seem that old.

Though it does bother me sometimes, I wouldn't be without them and hope they'll be open minded enough to deal with having older parents....

I had dd at 41 and tbh that was too old for me. Mind you I did succumb to ms at the same time, which has quite a lot to do with it! If I had stayed fit and healthy then I might have had more than just one, too!

elibean

my mum had me when she was 45, and my grand mother had her last at 47.

my mun is 80 and is as fit (if not fitter) than me! so i completely agree with you.

i had my fisrt at 18, so had finished my family by the time i was 30. of course every womans situation is different, and i think having children up to the menopause (late 40's usually) is great..and probably keeps you young!...

Think you're as old as you feel! I had my 1st at 40 and 2nd at 42. Both were unplanned!!! (Married for 13 years without birth control, so thought it wasn't possible - now am with new partner.....)

While I can appreciate the argument of being too old as children will be parentless at a younger age, my dad died when I was 16 and was 41, so no one can predict these things.

Interesting that there haven't been any comments about the FATHER'S AGE! I

To be honest I never wanted children when I was under 30 and that would be my advice to my own daughter as she got older. I wanted a career, to travel etc... I have had a really full life and can now devote myself for motherhood with no "what ifs".

I recently met a woman in the playground that was in her mid 60s who had 5 year old twins who I though were her grandchildren but were hers by assisted IVF. Her partner who was even older, died when the twins were a few months old. It was very sad and she didn't seem the most stable of people and struggling emotionally and financially.

To be honest I never wanted children when I was under 30 and that would be my advice to my own daughter as she got older. I wanted a career, to travel etc... I have had a really full life and can now devote myself for motherhood with no "what ifs".

I recently met a woman in the playground that was in her mid 60s who had 5 year old twins who I though were her grandchildren but were hers by assisted IVF. Her partner who was even older, died when the twins were a few months old. It was very sad and she didn't seem the most stable of people and struggling emotionally and financially.

Tapster, I think there will be a lot more stories like that. I think that life, and especially fertility, is a game of playing the odds. You want to maximise your chances of being around to raise your children into adulthood while emotionally and financially stable. Of course the second part of that sentence often needs to be traded off against the first! There are no nice, easy answers to this.

For me personally, any older than this (like FrannyandZooey I am 36)

I wouldn't want to comment on others - everyone has different levels of stamina. Anything past 40s is probably pushing it a bit though.

I'd like to have had my third before 35 (1st at 29, pg with 2nd now I am 31). I did (and do!) enjoy a career and a full life as well. I don't think you need to wait for late motherhood to have had that. I probably had them earlier than I would though, as husband is 11 years older and was keen to get going!

I think mid-forties is about the limit - more for health rather than social reasons.

I wanted all my children between 30 and 35 and was very lucky that they pretty much came on demand.

Obv some people are super fit and well so they feel able to go for it. I do think very late babies (women in 60s) are a bit hard on them as much as anything.