Does anybody regret only having one child

[vilgax]

Hi
I have just the one ds and for quite some time I have been feeling terrible for just having him.
I have deep regrets that he is on his own and I am constantly beating myself up about it.
I myself have always been a shy person so don,t have any friends with children of his age for him to play with, therefore it has always been just me and my ds. I do have my dh but of course its not the same as sharing an outing with mum friends and their children.

I find school holidays torture as I feel awful for my ds that I don,t have anybody I can ring or go and see who have children he can play with.
I realise that its all my own fault for being so socially inept.
I have arranged for the odd mate to come after school but I do seem to be the only one that ever bothers. My ds although he has had the odd invite hardly gets any invites anywhere.
I can't seem to go anywhere these days without looking at other children their parents and noticing how they seem to all be in a large group of friends etc and there is me and my ds always on our own with nobody.
None of my family are really interested in coming anywhere with us my two sisters children have all grown up so they are at differnt stages in their life.
I realise I am sounding really sorry for myself but it is something that has really been depressing me for some time.
I also know there is plenty of clubs out there that children can join but they never seem to work out properly for my ds never seems to make any mates out of them.
There is also never any children seen playing out by our house that my ds could play with.
The bottom line is that I truly regret having one dc as I can't help but things would have been different had my ds had a sibling.
Does anybody else feel like me am I abnormal for having no mum friends at all.
I really don,t know what to do to change the situation.

[MegBusset]

Just a quickie before I put DS to bed, but it sounds to me like the main problems is your lack of friends and shyness. I reckon these are the things to tackle first.

[Vivace]

Yes, it's you who has the problem, and I mean that really kindly. Can you join the PTA? Just ask your son who he likes at school and ask that child's mum if her son can come round. Take baby steps. Set one goal for after half term, eg invite one child for tea and talk to the mum.

[vilgax]

Yes your right MegBusset
I do try to talk to people at my ds's school but struggle terrible I can never think of anything to say.
I have never developed a friendship with anyone its just a case of hello and a little bit of conversation.
I realise that I may come across as aloof also sometimes I do avoid talking to someone due to the fact I have no idea what I can talk about.

[Vivace]

Why not plan things to say. 'Hi, it's a beautiful day today. Got anything planned?'

"Hi, love your shoes!/dress/coat/haircut"

"Hi, are you going to the PTA meeting tonight. I'm really nervous!"

"Hi, my son was saying how much he liked your son and we'd love to have him round to play. What day would suit you? Do you want to text me?"
etc etc etc
Don't you have any old friends?

[vilgax]

Vivace
I have arrnged playdates after school and the odd one in school holidays.
I just feel many mums have regular good friends who they see regularly for outings. activities etc.
If I didn,t make the effort to arrange these occasional playdates my ds would never have anyone to play with out of school.

[vilgax]

I do realise its not just going to come to me without some effort on my part.
I am pretty sure I could have other parents phone numbers off them but I know I would lack the courage to phone them during holidays and ask if our children can get together.
Instead I just sit and watch my ds sitting watching the telly or attemtping to play on his own feeling terrible.
I try and compensate by taking him out to places such as the park, swimming etc.
I always end up feeling miserable after seeing so many others there with their siblings etc.

[Vivace]

Text them then! Why be so miserable when you have the power to change things. Everybody feels shy and nervous sometimes, but they just bite the bullet and take a risk. What's the worst that could happen? Really, what is the worst thing that could happen, if you text, Hi, do you and X fancy a trip to the park with us?

[PatsyMoon]

I used to be like this, but I took the plunge and asked one Mum and their DD round, then it was easier the next time. Now there is a group of us who meet up and are now arranging a Mum's night out (something I wanted but could never have done). Just persevere, pick out the child with a Mum who looks friendly and kind, who smiles at you, who you feel comfortable with.
I found out later that there were others who felt the same as I had done, so I was really pleased.
Really, just be brave, it will be good for your DS, but it will also be good for you.

[Cammelia]

vilgax, why not look at your local mumsnet threads and arrange to meet up with some mumsnetters locally?

[MegBusset]

Netmums' 'Meet a Mum' feature is really good for this, you post a message and local mums email you. I've contacted a few local mums this way and one of them has ended up being a good friend.



Also I think you should do something just for YOU (if getting a babysitter is an option) -- join a yoga group, book club, whatever you enjoy. It will boost your confidence and help you meet people you have something in common with.

I really feel for you, I struggled to meet local mums when DS was tiny and felt really left out at the playground. I persisted with emailing someone I met at a M&T group (she didn't reply first time and I thought it meant she didn;t like me, but actually her computer had just been broken!). Then she introduced me to her circle of mum friends and we meet once a week and have a night out every couple of months.

[MegBusset]

Are there other mums at DS's school who have only children? They might be good to target for playdates in the holidays etc.

[MegBusset]

How old is DS, is he old enough to join things like Beavers, football club, or whatever he's interested in? It might help widen his social circle, too.

[gingerninja]

I really think you're going to have to take a deep breath and approach the other mums. Would it be possible to be totally honest with them and say, 'this is the hardest thing I've ever done but I'm wondering if you and your DS fancy doing something over the holidays. We were going to go to the zoo/park/whatever and would really love others to come. Perhaps you could recommend another couple of people too?'

They don't sound like bad people so I'm sure it a case of chipping away. The more you worry about it though the harder it will be.

Good luck, and please do something before the holidays arrive else you'll be stuck.

[DarthVader]

Check out this thread about the joys of having only one child!

[Onestepatatime]

Vilqax i really sympathise. i have one, and it's bloody hard work always being the one to organise friends round etc. But as it's for her benefit, I keep on at it. I used to feel awkward about ringing her mates mums & getting told 'no, we're busy doing such-&-such', families with more than 1 kids are just much more self-contained. So i dont take it personally. Dd has a handful of good friends she sees occasionaly in school holidays but it's usually at my instigation.
I have found that often kids with siblings, while they're happy to potter about with siblings at times, are often v glad to get away from them too and visit a friend!
I can feel for you- its hard work and if you get knocked bak you can feel you and your kid are being rejected, but remember you're not really. you just have to keep plugging away at 'pursuing' ()people and get over your own unsociable fears and feelings, for your boy's sake. Dont know how old your boy is but my dd's 10 and it does get easier - your skin gets tougher, for one thing!
Good luck and hope you get some stuff lined up for half term.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Keep on inviting other kids back - even if your ds doesn't get invited back as often, keep doing it. He will enjoy having friends round and maybe after a while the other mums may start inviting your ds back more.

Remember some mums may work and its therefore harder for them to invite kids back to theirs afetr school. So there could be reasons.

Dunno how old your ds is but when he is older he'll be ringing his mates up himself and arranging stuff.

My dd is my only one and I don't regret just having one. We do days out just the two of us and its never cossed my mind that she might be missing out when we have days out. She always seems to have a great time when we're out. She has friends back afetr school and goes to friends afetr school as well.

[Onestepatatime]

vilqax, how did your half term week go?

[vilgax]

Hi
I am ashamed to admit my ds has not seen a single mate from school.

I did approach one of the moms at the school about her ds coming during the holiday on the last day, but she said they were going away.

My ds is not back at school until tuesday as they are having a training day on monday.
I did say her ds could come then and she agreed to that.
I was supposed to make the final arrangements with her on the friday at home time.
I did see her but I was talking to my ds's teacher and then she ran off before I spoke to her.
They do know where I live so maybe they will still come.
The only time my ds has played with anyone during this holiday is if I have taken him to a soft play centre.
He also attended a one day soccor camp where he got a chance to interact with other kids.
I feel like such a failure that my ds needs to go to soft play to play with other kids.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

You are truly NOT a failure - you sound like a lovely mum else you wouldn't be so concerned about all of this - your ds is lucky to have you!!

As the mother of one dd I totally understand where you are coming from. I used to watch all the other mothers greeting one another cheerily at the school gate, making complicated play-date arrangements ... and I really envied them because it seemed to come so easily and I really didn't know how to proceed because this was my first experience of sorting out social arrangements for my dd. I felt like I was living on another planet and hadn't quite grasped "the rules" of the native species!!

Then - after a while - it all just sort of clicked. I met one mother who I really liked, and she invited my dd to her house to play, then I reciprocated and so on. I can't actually really remember the sequence now but I know it took a while. I accepted every invitation that came dd's way and always reciprocated (sometimes x2). It was (and still is) hard work at times but the rewards are worth it. I now have my own set of friends and so does dd. I never believed that I would be the sort of person who would be at ease with this sort of thing because I'm probably one of the most socially inept people you can meet!!

I second the idea about inviting some likely looking candidates on a day trip during the summer. That'd be a great way to start.

Could you make a point of trying to intercept this other mum on Tuesday morning btw? That way you know for sure what's happening and you can be a bit more in the driving seat whatever the outcome ....

[barnstaple]

No, you're not a failure. I have a similar problem with my dd. We try to organise things for the holidays, but people are away or they've already got family stuff going on and I always feel it's because they don't like us/we don't fit in/we're not good enough, all sorts of rubbish going through my head. We make an effort to take her to places, but she would always enjoy it more if she could take someone with her. I hate the idea of people saying yes because they feel sorry for her being on her own as well. And she doesn't get invited back very often and I'm always worried that she hasn't actually got any friends, but her teacher says she has loads, and lots of kids choose to sit with her in activities in class etc.

And a lot of it is down to me. I find it really hard to think of things to say to people, and though I am now pretty confident with the "What a lovely day" stuff, and have conversations with the other parents, and even have chats if we meet in the street, I still don't really have any good friends here (but then they do say you're only a stranger for the first 20 years here, and we've only done 2!). Things are slowly improving, and I think some of the slowness is my fault as I get rather het up about my 'failures' and kind of hide, which is stupid.

Well, you can tell how it can grab you and make you babble and colour your world can't you! I have read people's replies to your post, and taken some comfort from them too - hope you don't mind sharing!

[waiting4bambino]

Hi Vilgax,
I sympathise with you! I have got just one dd, she is just 12 weeks old, but since leaving work and having no adult socialisation (plus i am so shy!), there are sometimes weeks on end before i speak to anyone other than family etc. I did go to a mother and baby class the other day, but found the other mums there really confident and handled their babies really well - whereas mine was crying and then fell asleep! And it just made me feel more inept, however, i am going to keep going for my baby's sake (and perhaps i will pluck up the courage to make friends!) Why is so hard to make friends?!
Try putting your email address on the Take a Break website - you can even appear in their magazine if you wanted to - its www.Chums4Mums.co.uk