Second baby on way and feeling worried about how I'll cope with two

[Nellybell]

Just found out I'm pregnant with 2nd LO and already have a DS (19 months). It was unexpected and although pleased I just feel overwhelmed at the thought of coping with a newborn and a toddler. DS was an exhausting baby, cried a lot and only just started sleeping through til 6am recently. The thought of a toddler and a similar newborn really scares me as I don't know how I'll cope! Will it be ok, will it be a good age gap? Is the 2nd easier?

[WinkyWinkola]

There are pros and cons for both a big and small age gap.

Your new baby may be nothing like your first. My DD was nothing like DS. She was much easier, slept loads and is generally more placid. Now, I'm not saying your new baby will be the same but what I am saying is that it will be a different experience.

As for coping, you'll cope. You'll just get on with it. BUT is there any way DH can go to nursery for a few hours a week to give you a break? If it is possible, I'd start him before the new LO arrives so that he doesn't associate the arrival with his going to nursery.

Also, get DS to 'help' as much as possible. And get DS a lovely gift from the new baby. Make a fuss of DS as much as you can. His nose may be really put out of joint by the new baby and that can be hard work too.

Be positive most of all. It's not like a 100% increase of work. I'd say more like 15% increase because you're all doing all the hard work already. Plus, the intense massively child dependent stage doesn't last long either.

Good luck.

[ChipButty]

Congratulations! Having two is hard work but your elder child will be becoming more independent by the time the LO arrives. You will cope but don't expect to be supermum - you will have down days but having two children is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Take care! xx

[claraquitetirednow]

That sounds like a very similar age gap to mine (dd1 now two and a half, dd2 5months). I would have to say that yes, pysically, it has been hard. It's harder to get out anywhere, you are constantly on the go trying to balance the two, and things like the toddler tantrums and potty training are prticularly difficult. HOWEVER mentally/emotionally I found the 2nd SOOOO much easier that altogether it probably hasn't been as hard as I had feared. You will be more chilled with your second and consequently it will probably be an easier baby. Things that might have worried you the first time round probably won't this time, mostly because you realise that things DO eventually get easier, that every stage is just a phase etc. I was also so busy that the first three months were a total blur - one day I sort of woke up and realised I had a 2nd baby! But it's been more fun too, because I am more confident I have actually enjoyed the newborn stage a lot more this time round.

Congratulations, good luck, you'll be fine.

[Nellybell]

Clara,
When you go out do you still need a pushchair for dd1? I'm not sure what a 2.5 yr old would be like, can they walk along the road holding your hand and be trusted not to try and rush off into the road? At the moment I take DS out on his trike, if we walk it is only for a little way and he is always trying to get out on the road and has a tantrum when I don't let him!
Also Clara, how was the pregnancy, was it exhausting having to look after dd1 towards the end?

[claraquitetirednow]

Nelly - we got a buggy board rather than a double buggy, which has been fairly successful. At first dd1 loved it, then she went through a stage of refusing to go on it, but I took them both to the shops the other day and she was fine. She will walk along side me for short distances (I can trust her not to run off but I guess this depends on the type of child you have) or ride her "like a bike" (here www.wooden-bike.co.uk/bikes?gclid=COiW_NeVkJMCFQPf1Aod_RNYgA, although we got one cheaper than these off ebay) which she absolutely loves.

I did find pregnancy harder, I felt more sick for longer and was knackered quite a lot of the time. It's so much harder to rest - but if you can, lie down for a bit every day (eg when ds is napping or watching tv or when your partner is home and can take him off your hands). For me, the pregnancy passed a lot quicker.

I agree with Winky - can you afford any sort of childcare for ds? Dd1 goes to a childminder two days a week, and I started her there just about the time I fell pregnant so by the time dd2 came along she was used to going and didn't feel pushed out. In fact it was good for her to have some normal routine to her life.

I was like you before I had my 2nd child. I found looking after one hard enough and had no idea how I would cope with two. But you do, you adjust just like you did the first time round and now, 5 months on (and dd2 luckily sleeping through) things seem relatively back to normal!

[Nellybell]

Clara,
Thanks for your message. DS already goes to nursery 2.5 days a week which we could afford to keep up for the first 4 months of the new baby as I'll still be getting full pay from work. He goes to nursery near my work though so I might change it to a nursery nr home instead but I guess I should do that now so he has a chance to get used to it??
I was thinking back to last time and it was just the first 10 weeks that were really hard going and I remember after that, that DS was starting to be interested in what was going on around him and at least I will know this time that it gets better. I just really hope that the new baby sleeps better than DS did!
Since I found out I was pg I feel really possessive of DS like I need to treasure this time with just the 2 of us now and it keeps making me burst into tears. Is this normal?

Thanks!

[claraquitetirednow]

Nelly - totally normal! I was so worried about dd1 and the effect having a new baby sister would have on her it was all I could think about in the last few months of pregnancy. But the other day, a friend was meant to be coming over but cancelled at the last moment and dd1 was so forlorn I suddenly realised how glad I was that I had had a 2nd child as it won't be long before they will be proper entertainment/company for each other.

This is a good time to treasure the time you and ds will have together, as well as to treasure having just one! Do as many things with him as possible (like swimming, going to cafes etc) that will be harder with two, enjoy this time. It will be different when you have one, but not worse. Just different.

[jkklpu]

Nelly
All your concerns are perfectly normal - I certainly shared them before ds2 was born, when ds1 was exactly 2. I was lucky that I had a (2nd) very straightforward pregnancy so, although I was working full-time till a month before the end, I had (almost) the same energy levels to devote to ds1 so he didn't associate the arrival of ds2 with any change in service from his mum.

I agree that the 2nd baby could be totally different - I had a poor feeder/good sleeper followed by great feeder/awful sleeper. So you may be pleasantly surprised.

On the practical points you and Clara raise, I definitely agree that avoiding a heavy double buggy if at all possible is a fantastic boon. We've done really well with options of buggy board or baby in sling (one which allows you to feed) and I'm really pleased it's worked out for us. But it all depends how keen your toddler is on walking, not to mention how much public transport you get.

The more important decision is about nursery. My ds1 goes to my work nursery 2 days/wk and we decided that it was really important that he stay there for his continuity. So, although this means getting an early commuter train into London and going back again, he still has that aspect of his life intact and, when I go back to work, we'll have kept his place. So, if you're thinking of moving him, do it as soon as possible and make sure it's compatible with whatever you're doing about work after maternity leave. Might you be able to go down to 2 days instead of 2.5 and keep him there if he really likes it? Could dp help with the travel? My dh collects ds1 on one of the 2 days, which means I have a whole day with the baby once I'm home at about 9am instead of having to watch the clock in the afternoon. But you need to decide what will work best in your circumstances. And maybe a move to a local nursery would help to meet more local families, help with pre-/primary school applications?

Lots to consider and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and the new life beyond.

[mashedup]

Hi

Congrats. There's a 14 month gap between my two sons. It was hard work at first, but it does get better. There were bad days, when I wondered what sleep was, and lived on salads, but these were mainly during the first few weeks after youngest was born.
My eldest son used to love to help by getting a nappy, or talking to his new brother. I used to get him involved as much as I could. There wasn't any jealousy, which had concerned me.
My first son was a happy, placid baby, but my second son was really grumpy, always cried, (probably that's why I never had any more.)
As I was a SAHM, I used to sit with them both and just enjoyed my time with them. My eldest used to teach his brother new words and my youngest would follow him everywhere. Nowadays, they're always out together and have the same hobbies, and same friends.
Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine.

[nowwearefour]

Congratulations! I have a 22 month old gap. DD2 nearly 1 now. I have to say it has been really hard but i am glad to have done it and they are close already and love each other dearly. So i am trying to say that go with it with a glad heart. Expect to have some of the most brilliant moments ever. You will cope. You just will. And enjoy it!

[Egg]

Congratulations! I have a 22.5 month gap between DS1 and DTs. I think the age gap is great, but not if you end up with twins, as it is tricky with buggies etc, as my DS1 is not old enough to walk everywhere (he is now 26.5 months and DTs are 4 months). Means it is a bit of a struggle going out as I have to push a double buggy and wear a baby in a sling. However if you have one toddler and one baby you can choose to either have a double buggy or a single and a sling (would recommend a double though as babywearing in hot weather is sweaty stuff).

Unless you get twins too of course ...

What terrified me most was lack of sleep, as DS1 (like yours) was not a great sleeper but it meant I am a bit meaner to the DTs and never fed them to sleep, always made sure they went in the cot awake and now they settle themselves to sleep easily (most of the time).

[Egg]

And at 4 months my DS2 and DD already follow their big brother round the room with their eyes, and stare at him in awe .

[BigBadMouse]

Only read the OP but just wanted to say I spent most of my pregnancy worrying about how I would cope with two. It was all a pointless waste of time. DD2 was born a few hours into the day after DD1s second birthday and I just got on with it.

I'm certainly no supermum, if I can do it, anyone can. I regret spending so much time worrying about it though. You can plan and plan and plan about how you'll do things but until you have the two there with you it's all a bit pointless IMO.

I'm expecting DC3 any day and DDs have just turned 2 and 4. DD2 still doesn't sleep through and is currently waking up between 4 -10 times a night, I'm strangely relaxed about it all

[freakypenguin]

i have 2 and half year age gap. agree with all that's said.

involve toddler as much as poss - take them to the later scans so they can see the baby inside. give them jpbs like fetching nappies, shaking rattles etc. emphasize how clever the toddler is, all the things they can do that the baby can't yet.

re transport - we bought one of these from tesco - it's brill. loads of people have commented on how good it is. about £40, cheaper by far than double buggy or even the stand-on buggy boards.

buy a cheap pair of mothercare reins to clip them onto the seat and it's good to go!

good luck!

[freakypenguin]

realise the link about the buggy board has lots negative feedback about it - guess what works for some doesn't work for others!

[Egg]

BigBadMouse is spot on. You are (generally) more relaxed with second child, and I agree with what she said too that "if I can do it, anyone can". I didn't cope very well with DS1 for the first 6 or so months I cried whenever he did as I couldn't get him to sleep etc. I am a lot more laid back now I have twin babies and a toddler, and I never thought that was possible (have had the odd bad day, where I come on here and cry on my MN friend's shoulders, but all in all it's ok).

[BigBadMouse]

Yes, you are definitely more laid back the second time round. I was very really when I had DD2 as all my friends with young babies were on their DC1. There were many episodes of raised eyebrows and 'looks' between them when DD1 was getting a little bit too 'hands on' with DD2. Everyone was saying 'OMG - your DD1 just prodded newborn DD2 ' to which I replied 'yeah, don't worry DD2 will get her back in a few months' - she did BIG TIME . One of those friends has just had her DC2 and now completely understands where I was coming from!

My two absolutely adore each other - two is fabulous. Even though they both speak very clearly they have their own 'language' and 'in jokes' that mummy and daddy are not allowed to be part of. It's so sweet to see them walking along hand in hand. They fight over everything, toys, beakers, the step stool in the bathroom etc etc (which drives me mad) but they actually seem to enjoy it and god help me if I tell one of them off - the other will fight to the death for their sister's corner. DD1 has been constant entertainment for DD2 since she was born.

You'll be fine

[Nellybell]

Thank you for all your tips and advice. I do feel more relaxed about it now and I think it will be great in the long run, just tiring to begin with but I'm sure we'll cope. I do plan to get DS involved as much as poss. We do have a baby bjorn sling I could use when the baby is tiny and I was just looking at another thread on here that mentioned a toddler back pack with lead, a bit like reins but you can attach the lead bit to the pram so that may be a option for getting out and about?

[minouminou]

bigbadmouse - i'm waiting to wee on a stick to see if #2 is on the way, and you've just straightened my worries right out
great pair of posts, many thanks, and hope #3 gets here safely!

[Thomcat]

Would be weird if you didn't feel daunted - most natural thing in the world to feel unsure but I PROMISE you it's gonna be great. Congratulations

[popstar1]

Hi there.
I am 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child and my 2 year old has suddenly become very clingy and sobs when I leave him. I can't even leave the room for 2 minutes at the moment before he asks where I am. Does anyone have any advice/recommend any good books. Thanks