Help me get some perspective here (sorry, long)

[flack]

DD acted up getting to school this morning, I said I would impose certain punishments on her for it, but now I'm not sure I have it right, so would like some feedback.

I even resorted to asking some other school mums about all this, but all they said was -- there have to be consequences, don't there? Only what consequences, I can't be sure myself.

Background: I have 4 DC, 2 school age, 2 preschool. DD is 6 yo.

Leaving house this morning to go to school, but we kept going back for coats, DD was the only one organised to get her coat on before we left. After 2 return trips and 200 yards away from the house, DD announces she's totally unhappy with her coat. Little baby in pram is screaming throughout all these events, too, which hardly helps my patience.

I KNOW, I should have made her just wear it anyway. But I didn't want to listen to her cry and nag the remaining 15 minutes to reach school, so I shouted, threw the coat in a field, took her back for ANOTHER coat.

So she screams, cries and threatens all way to school, about the fate of the cast-away coat. Coat is cute, but she doesn't like wearing it and has maybe worn it 2x in last 2 years. So I say I'm going to give it away.

Which is really mean, because DD hates 'losing' anything -- I have to sneakily give away stuff she's outgrown.

She carries on crying & pleading so I threaten to ban her from going to a birthdy party tomorrow, she says she doesn't care, so I tell her she can choose between losing the coat and the birthday party.

Which is really mean because she hates choosing between things.

And it upsets her AND me, because she's rarely invited to parties, and this will be the first chance to wear one of the many pretty party dresses she has, and I (vicariously) was looking forward to her going, wearing pretty dress, and having a nice social outing.

She's chosen the coat, but she went into her classroom in hysterics about wanting both coat and the party.

Do I let her choose the coat over the party? Do I relent on both counts? I can give away the coat in a month when she's totally forgotten about it. Do I punish her in another way?

I could figure this out on my own later, but I reckon I have to decide by the time I collect her from school, and I'm too upset to think straight, now.

If you've read all that, thanks.
I know people will want to comment on lots of aspects of this petty row, but really, I just need to figure out what consequences are proportionate to impose on DD. At the end of the day, she did go to school, she has apologised, I do want her to go the party....

[flack]

Sorry have to go out now, but will be back after noon.

[windygalestoday]

flack tbh i think you were a bit ott- we all have these days i know- so this morning was a bd morning learn from it- keep her nice little coat (by throwing it in the field you acted on her level) but next time remind her not to choose that coat,its friday its bank holiday weekend let her enjoy her party tonight when she comes home have cuddle and a biscuit and tell her you felt sad all day and you and her need to make sure theres no more days like that.

i dont actually think punishments that involve choice are very productive-
im the mum i choose the punishment thats it final .......shes 6 shes a little girl she said shes sorry its done.

i think its possible you have other issues that brought this whole sitution to head are you worried cos it dosnt seem she gets invited to lots of parties?

[mumoftwo37]

If she has apologised and knows that she has done wrong I would let her go to the party. I wouldn't mention the coat until she does and then I would try to be diplomatic, ask her if she wants to keep it or give it to someone else. I imagine she is upset at school and will feel pretty bad when she comes home. It sounds like to me you were already having a bad morning before the coat and she probably got the brunt of it. When you fetch her from school give her a big cuddle and apologise to her too and let her go to the party, but warn her there will be bigger consequences if it happens again.

[soapbox]

I think you were perhaps winding the situation up rather than down - but we're all guilty of that from time to time Throwing the coat in a field was a bit daft if you were going home anyway. What was that all about? Why did she have to choose between the coat and a party - why did the coat have to go? Why didn't you just say 'fine I'll pick the coat up and take it home on my way back'?

I think it is one of those situations where all reason has been lost, so why continue to argue about it. I would have walked to school ignoring the dramatics from your DD - as long as her legs were still moving in the direction of school, I wouldn't have said anything.

Anyway, now you are in a tricky situation - I would probably say that as long as she wears the coat she can keep it and go to the party - but on the understanding that the coat is going to the charity shop at the end of May if she hasn't worn it by then.

[flack]

So the consensus is I say sorry, she gets to keep the coat and go to the party?

I need a magic pill that makes me not mind the sound of screaming crying children for lenghthy periods.

[NotABanana]

I think you got like I do. Losing it a bit and going too far.

Let her go to the party. Get the coat, give it a wash and hang it up. If she wants it it is there.

[NotABanana]

Considering she was the only one who got ready it does seem harsh, and the punishment didn't really fit the crime. We have all been there.