Trapped in my pefect life

[pollyesther]

Last night i had trouble sleeping and was thinking about my life. I haven't felt 'happy' for a long time and i realised that i feel trapped in my life.

On paper I would appear to have it all, 2 children who are (most of the time) wonderful. A great husband, a beautiful house and we are not short of money. However, i feel lonely. My husband is often away, my house is in the middle of nowhere and my friends all work full time.
I've talked to my husband about this but he just thinks i need to get out more. I go to the gym but don't meet people. Shopping is only fun with someone to go with. I feel like all around me life is passing by. I have considered getting a job but that brings new worries like who is around during the day if they're unwell or if they need medication (our school won't admininster it) who could give to them. They would miss me helping on school trips too.

Has anyone else hit this crossroad and what did you do? I suppose it has hit me harder as my youngest just started school.

[squeaver]

You poor thing - it's horrible to feel "is this it?". But you've recognised there's something wrong and now you can do something about it.

Could you study? OU? or a course which is not full-time?

Evening classes?

Join some committees, charity or otherwise?

Surprised you don't meet people at the gym - are you working out on your own or taking classes? Yoga people are often friendly I find.

I bet you've got shit-loads to offer, the crucial thing is not to wallow, but to get on with it!

[brimfull]

You need to get a job or some way (volunteering) of getting out and talking to adults ,making friends,doing something you like .

[crackinggoodegg]

Starting school is hard as your children are on the road to independence which is strange after they've spent so long depending on your in every aspect of their life.

Start looking for a part-time job or even think about a business you could run that involves meeting people. How often do your dcs actually feel unwell or need medication? Unless they have a medical condition, chances are it's not that often and you'll find a way around that when you need to.

Good luck.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I have been where you are. I started to get out more and just bought a diary and filled my days. I contacted people to get together and it worked, started speaking to random people like a loon lol - it worked! You have to push yourself....

[crackinggoodegg]

Have you got any friends nearby or how about suggesting a coffee or lunch with one of the mums at school as they might also be at a bit of a loose end?

[pollyesther]

That's just it, when i gave up work 9 years ago i lost the old me and i don't know what i like anymore(that made me cry writing that). Studying is a great idea but i have so little support i couldn't do evenings but i could look into days. I do classes at the gym but everyone is already in a group and though i have tried nobody is very friendly(note to myself-will try yoga!)

[brimfull]

wher do you live?

mumsnetters are everywhere

[windygalestoday]

i think a lot of the time we feel guilt at knowing we are living a 'perfect' life indeed if you are so lonely you feel unhappy then certainly this isnt a perfect life is it??i dont think a perfect life exists we are all getting on with it the best way we can admittedly some in finer ways .....i think you are n ideal candidate for the school pta rising money organising coffee mornings and stuff maybe you re good at rt and can volunteer in school maybe there is a gap in an old peoples home for you to go in and keep some elderly lady compny?

i believe with happiness wht goes around comes around so in maing someone else happy you will gain happiness too......dont waste your 'perfect' life cos as always something can quite easily upset it......

[windygalestoday]

you didnt lose the old you - you became a new you - make it work YOU are in charge.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

I can really relate to what you are saying - bet you have lost touch with most of your old friends? Try and focus your positive energy on helping others - doing something for others - you will see how lucky you are and it will really give you a boost...

[CountessDracula]

So your life is not perfect? Join the club!

You do have to work at life to get the one you want I think. Even then unless you are spectacularly unselfaware there will be elements of it which are unsatisfying.

You need to think about what it is that you actually want. Do you just want to meet new people? (join a club) Do you want to give something back? (do charity work, apply to become a magistrate) Do you want to earn your own money? (start a business, get a part-time job)

What is it you feel is missing?

[FluffyMummy123]

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[pollyesther]

windygalestoday, thanks, what you say makes sense. I did try the pta it is something that I would have loved but found i couldn't make the meetings very often as dh away.

[greenday]

I feel the same too. I have 2 wonderful children - DD 4yrs and DS 8mths - a wonderful and caring DH, we just moved and really enjoy where we are. I have friends who live nearby and we meet up nearly everyday for lunches and coffees and our DCs play together so well. Everything is perfect on paper. Yet I feel something is missing and I don't know what. I think I am bored. I've become a miserable person at home and have developed 2 personalities in/out of home. My DH doesn't understand and he thinks its ironic that we don't have any major problems and yet I am miserable.

[squeaver]

Sign up for a yoga or pilates or tai chi or whatever beginners class then you'll all be in the same boat and you'll all have something to talk about.

I'm also going to recommend a book to you - don't be put off by the title and it's not self-helpy/preachy at all. It tells you how other people have approached similar situations (mainly career-based, but again don't let that put you off)

what should i do with my life

[windygalestoday]

come live my crazy life for a week lol you will be ecstatic by the time u go home!!!!

[pollyesther]

Very helpful cod. I take it you have a full support network around you. When you have no parents around and a husband that works away so often it isn't that easy.

[pollyesther]

Thanks squeaver, that sounds great

[CountessDracula]

Also polly you need to stop thinking that your life is perfect and that you are somehow at fault for finding it otherwise!

[Psychomum5]

it is hard when the kiddies go to school full time....you do feel a little 'bored' (for want of a better word).....it is the next step of parenting and it is scary as you finally get time for yourself and wonder what on earth you can do with it!!!

I have floundered a little myself the past year, but getting a job is out of the question right now as to pay for holiday care for all my 5 would be far too expensive, plus I have two poorly one who have to have time off school quite regularly so would be counter-productive with getting a good work record IYGWIM.

mine all dance tho, so the dance school has given me my 'thing to do'....I am now in charge of the 'parents association' so sort out events for them that the parents organise, (surpless to what the school itself does)...I am currently trying to organise a dinner/gala evening with and auction to raise money for new dance equipment as the school has recently changed premises!!!

can you not volunteer somewhere...that way if the children are ill, it won;t matter as much if you are unable to get there, and also you should be able to work around holidays etc.

I hope something works out for you tho

[ArcticRoll]

Start with voluntary work to gain confidence(I would recommend NOT doing it at school so you get away from your children and gain a different perpective on life) and then get paid work/study.

[SixSpotBurnet]

You've really got a lot going for you, pollyesther - no money worries, no DCs with special needs (not that I would change mine for the world, but still...), a beautiful house - really it sounds as if the possibilities are only limited by your imagination!

First of all, get some childcare sorted out. Even if you do live out in the sticks, there must be somebody around who would babysit? (I grew up in a little village and I had loads of babysitting jobs when I was at school.)

Secondly, I think you need to lose ideas like "shopping is only fun with someone to go with" - that is just not the case! And what about other things than shopping - walking, galleries, museums?

Thirdly, when you've got so much - how about putting something back? Voluntary/charity work? What did you do when you had a job? Could you do something for the CAB perhaps?

Best of luck, anyway.

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[Fullmoonfiend]

voluntary work - is good way of feeling useful, keeping CV ready for when work looms, meet people, learn new skills, re-discover exsisting skills, training opps, sense of persepective about the world, fun!

[TheFallenMadonna]

I think CD's right. You have to get past the vague "there must be something more" feeling and decide what it is you actually want.

The OU is fantastic in your situation BTW, if you're interested in studying.

What is it that's missing for you?