Being left alone after new baby arrives- Coping strategies please!

[Minkus]

When ds was born my dh was fortunate to be able to take his full 2 weeks paternity leave plus another 2 weeks normal leave on top so we had a great "babymoon" with just the three of us all holed up together in a bit of a lovely dreamworld.

Baby no.2 is due in 10 weeks time and dh is now self employed and only only able to take 1 week off. I'm starting to panic about how different it will be this time round, not only will I not have dh's support but I will of course be looking after our ds as well as the baby, ds will be 3.8 when the baby arrives.

My mum, sister and MIL both work full time so I can't ask them to help.

Ds will go to nursery 2 days a week (although as I work Mon-Thurs he normally goes 4 days and therefore another thing I'm panicking about is us both getting used to spending more time with each other anyway- sounds mean but just being pratical and honest.) I'm planning on having 9 months off on maternity leave.

I'm really worried about how I'm going to cope. I know that thousands of other mums cope with having two children so sorry if I'm being a bit of a wuss, I'm just panicking about not enjoying this second baby experience as much as the first and that makes me feel so guilty in advance .

Any tips on how to get through those early weeks alone with teeny babe and pre schooler who is likely to be a bit bored of me?

[whomovedmychocolate]

Take it one hour at a time. It will not be as bad as you think. You don't have to do everything perfectly. Good enough is fine.

Honestly you will cope. I'm looking forward to having number two because even having two is going to be easier than being heavily pregnant with a toddler.

[cookiemonstress]

I felt exactly the same in the run-up to DD2. Both times DH could only take a week and in some respects, it was ok. Kind of gave me the impetus to just get on with it. Break it down in to 6 week chunks and then take it an hour at a time. The first six weeks will be tough, the next 6 a bit easier and so on and lots of adjustment for everyone but be good to yourself and only worry about feeding everyone, everything else can wait a while! The seasons should be on your side, so get out for walks if you can or just set yourselves up in the garden g. Get a little stash of 'treaty' things to do for your number 1 to pull out at opportune times and go with the flow. The hardest time of the day was unsurprisingly tea/bath time with everyone demanding food but you will find ways to breeze through it very soon!

It is an adjustment but Whomoved is right, it is easier having 2, than being heavily pg with a toddler. It is different than the first time around but no less lovely for that and what you loose in time you gain in confidence so it balances and bizarrely you may even enjoy night feeds as an opportunity to have some 1:1 baby time!

Good luck!

[Shells]

It is hard. I'm just doing baby number 3 with 2 boisterous bigger boys and no help and you don't get to indulge in babydom in the same way. However it isn't awful. A bit of planning ahead is a good thing. Make sure you house is set up for home activities because if you're like me you won't want to go out much with a brand new one. So get in the playdough and puzzles, new DVDs, books etc. Have you got a garden? Could you get a sandpit? Or something equivalent.

The very best help I got was local mums helping me out with the DSs and taking them off my hands -even if just for an hour, so that they could run around, and I could sleep with the baby. If people ask how they can help - then say that.

You will probably surprise yourself by enjoying it.

[CilC]

I am originally from Australia and unfortunately none of our family was able to make it out when DD1 was born. My DH was able to take a week off. I have to say that despite my fears as I knew I was also having a Csection it was infact a godsend. I was able to bond quickly, sort out routines and enjoy my baby without worrying about how I looked, getting all that unwanted advice and suggestions, what people though (except for MW's) how clean the house was etc. It was a surprisingly special time for me and I really did enjoy it. I slept when she did, sat around on the couch etc. It also made me swim rather than sink - I got on with it. I had many friends who had lots of help initially and then when family went home were all ringing me up asking how to cope! DS is due in July and once again no one is coming to help and however this time DH is taking 2 weeks off. I have asked him to take these after the first week and have arranged for DD1 to go to Nursery fulltime for just that week - she normally goes 2 mornings and one full day per week. I want that 1:1 again to sort things out, like feeding, routines. I am not sure if this could be an option for you?

I am then planning on DH and DD being around to help me for 2 weeks and entertain each other and hopefully enjoy the special few weeks with picnics, walks to the park etc. Rather than worrying about things this time - and lets be honest a 2nd child without much support is obviously going to be more work - I am being pragmatic. One day at a time, no stress, no concern if beds made and more than usual M&S ready meals and take out.

I do not usually let DD watch much TV but have accepted that in first 6 weeks (I call this the fog period) until our routine is set and we all know each other that she will probably be allowed to watch a few more movies. I have also bought for DD a little pram set so we can all walk to local park to get excercise.

I have also taken up the offes from local friends and neighbours to take DD for an hour or so - as long as it involves exerting energy so she sleeps well also!

This may all go pear shape, who knows what can happen with newborns, but I just wanted you to know that it is not necessarily a bad thing, slightly more onerous but hopefully in the long run a steep but positive learning curve!

All the best!

[MummyDoIt]

The big thing to remember with the second child is that you know what you're doing this time round. You have so much more confidence when handling the baby. First time round, you need all that extra support as you're learning the ropes, so to speak, and everything is new to you. Second time around, you know what you're doing. I'm sure you'll do fine. Just go easy on yourself. It's okay to let standards slip for a while. Who cares if the hoovering isn't done or you eat takeaway three times a week? Just do the essentials and take time getting used to your new family.

[TeeBee]

Minkus, might be worth contacting the local teaching colleges. The nursery nurse students usually need to go through a placement period and have to be placed with families with a baby and a toddler. They can't be left alone with them to babysit, but can come along for the weekly shop, come swimming, and just generally help. My HV suggested this when i was suffering from PND.

[MummyDoIt]

That's an excellent suggestion, TeeBee. My friend had a student with her for a while and said it was a godsend. Just having someone to entertain the toddler while she was feeding or bathing the baby was brilliant. I wish I'd known about it when I had my second.

[TeeBee]

And, selflessly, the student can learn lots about child development while you are in the kitchen having a (medicinal) G&T!

[Minkus]

Mummydoit I'm not sure if I could let standards slip any further without risking losing ds into the depths of the european washing mountain that is growing in our bedroom . It's a good point though. I guess that as long as I can stick stuff in the dishwasher as I go along, and get a couple of baskets to strategically place around the house to throw all the accumulated junk into each day then the house should be ok. DH can do the hunter gatherer bit and sort out food- I don't do ironing anyway and I could outsource the washing by taking it to the laundrette for a service wash a la Dot Cotton I suppose

Shells I love the idea of getting a sandpit, ds will really enjoy that. And CilC (hello from July antenatal thread!) dh and I didn't really do much in those first few weeks it was just so lovely being together and excited about being a little family at last, this tme though it's just going to be a bit less rose tinted I suppose

Lol at TeeBee sneaking a crafty G&T in the kitchen whilst the student is "learning"

[NotQuiteCockney]

A postnatal doula might be a sensible option? Worth looking into, anyway, in case you get into any sort of health problems (or have a section). From what I know, they help with the baby, siblings, domestic stuff, whatever.

[millie865]

I know your sister, mum and MIL work full time but could any of them take some time off? I took time off when my sister had her second (by c-section), so did my mother. Could you ask? I know families are all different, but I think that sort of thing is what families are for.

If you've got the money how about a doula? Friend of mine had one for her second and I think she was a godsend.

[loler]

Don't compare it with last time. Everything will be completely different, not better or worse just different. My dc3 was born last year, dh had a week off and had to work away lots too. I've got no family near me at all. Lots of coping with little help I found depends on attitude. I felt lucky to spend so much time with my 2 boys, didn't feel guilty about a trashy house or using the tv/computer as entertainment for a while. After the older dc I realised how quickly the baby grows up and that everything changes so quickly. Strangely I even enjoyed getting up in the night this time (although would very much welcome a full nights sleep 8 months on!).

We'll hopefully be getting so summer weather so leave the mess of the house behind and get out the house (stops the house getting any messier!). If it rains go to a soft play place - you get to see the same people at the same times! Find out the local toddler groups (they are hard to go to but my ds1 loves them).

Congratulations on the new baby - hope all goes smoothly and you enjoy your time at home with both dc.

[loler]

That makes me sound a bit of a wierdo - Didn't mean to sound righteous- gave myself a hard time when ds1 was born. And found it hard to en joy the time after he was born. Went into this maternity leave with a very different frame of mind and am loving almost every minute of it. That doesn't stop me from wishing that ds1 was at nursery for longer (particularly today!!).

Any way ramble over....

[CilC]

Hi Minkus! Another positive is that it will be summer...hopefully! So easier to play in the garden...
I also did home shopping - highly recommend Ocado.

[Prufrock]

You know, it will be so much easier than you are imagining. I had just moved into a new area when I had ds, dd was 2. Dh did manage to take nearly 2 weeks off, but I had a c-section so was in hospital for most of the first. DD went to nursery for 2 days, and I used to think of them as my days off. I honestly couldn't understand why I had found it so difficult to deal with a baby first time round. And I had - there were days when dh would come home and I would still be in my pj's - and that was before I'd found Mumsnet! Second time round on nursery days he'd get home to a dressed, made-up wife, dinner in the oven and a clean house. Of course days when I had dd too were a little more stressful, but nowhere near as bad as ytou think they will be.

[Minkus]

Thanks for words of encouragement everyone (loler you didn't sound weird at all!)

I loved my mat leave with ds so much (he was a bit of an angel baby really, v easy going/ no colic/bf not particularly tricky/ made some nice friends so we got out lots etc etc) that I guess I'm worried that this time it won't be the same- but realise from what you're saying that I shouldn't expect it to be. WHY OH WHY AM I HAVING NO. 2!!!!!!! Didn't really mean that

One good thing was that with ds I had prepared myself for things to be really really hard and to feel dreadful in the first few months and I just didn't- so maybe if I am thinking things will be terrible this time round they will be ok again?

[phlossie]

It'll be fine - we did it and survived! Get in lots of activities that your dc1 enjoys before the baby arrives - colouring, dvds, books etc etc.
Good luck - it's very exciting!

[alfiesbabe]

It will be different, but you'll be fine. Just accept that last time you had a wonderful idyllic dream of a time, which you can look back on fondly. It may be a bit more chaotic and busy this time but so what? FWIW, the idea of 2 weeks paternity leave is a dream anyway to some of us. It's a relatively recent thing. MY dh had a day off when our dcs were born - that was the actual day of the birth. He was straight back in to work the next day. We had no family close by - we just got on with it. At least with warmer weather, you can hopefully get outside.