Racism

[ditavonteesed]

My 4.5 yo dd has been saying really recist things for a while now. In the first instance She said another child smelt of poo because they had brown skin. I went straight to nursery as well as having a long chat, repeated for days about how people are all different, nursery duid the same. I thought the issue had been dealt with and then a couple of weeks later she said one of the presenters on cbeebies had yuccky brown skin. I did the same again and said that there skin was lovely etc. This then carried on so i just told her that it was not acceptable and hurt somebodies feelings to say these things. Again i thought she had forgotten about it and she said something yesterday about black skin being gross.
She also identifies her nursery friends to me by the colour of their skin, i.e you know xxxx with normal pink skin like me.
Obviously this is really upsetting me and I really need to deal with this but I am running out of ideas as I don't want to make it any worse and I am really worried that she may have said something unkind to the other child at nursery.

[hercules1]

Your daugher isnt saying racist things as she is too young to understand and be responsible for the things she is saying. If it helps my daughter is the same age and says the same sort of things. Trouble is she's mixed race. I am amusing it's a phase.

[ditavonteesed]

That makes me feel a little better about it, I know she is not responsible for the thingsd she is saying, what i need to know is how to make her understand that she could hurt somebodies feeling by saying them. We live in a very white area and I had never actually noticed until this started happening, I really feel for the other child at nursery and i think at 4yo she should not have to be dealing with this.

[hercules1]

We live in a very mixed area and dd goes to a nursery with very few white children. I think because I am white and she is very much a mummys girl she wants to be like me and that includes prefering my skin colour. Fortunately she doesnt say anything to other children.

[Hecate]

That's odd, isn't it, for a young child. Is there anyone in your life who could be saying these things? Grandparents? Friends? Relatives? Does she ever stay with others? Trying to think where she could be picking up this attitude. Do you live in an area where racist attitudes are common?

Saying black skin is gross and brown skinned people smell of poo is something that yes, I agree with you, needs addressing.

I think you have to get tough. Leave her in no doubt that she must NEVER voice such opinions or the consequences for her will be dire, spell out those consequences.

But you also need to get to the bottom of her attitude, if you could find the source that would be great. But also, perhaps a conversation with her about WHY she thinks these things. Make her talk it all through, explain it all, challenge her.

tbh, I'd be tempted to apply layer after layer after layer of fake tan on her as well!

[onepieceoflollipop]

My daughter is a similar age and while I agree that she would not understand 100% the concept of racism, she would understand if we told her not to say certain things because they were unkind/rude/unacceptable or whatever.

It is difficult though when a child persistently continues with a certain behaviour, those of us with 4 year olds are probably nodding in recognition.

Have the nursery staff any advice on dealing with this?

[ditavonteesed]

The only place she could have picked this up is at nursery, her teacher assured me that she didn't believe it had come from dd1, she is very easily influenced as any 4yo is. Problem is black child is avtually very close friends with dd and is always waiting for her when we go in etc, I am so worried that she would hurt her feelings.
What I have been trying to do is while addressing it also not bringing it to the fornt of her mind so she feels the need to defy me IYSWIM, I think that approach is not working though.

[Doodle2U]

Hecate, I don't think it is odd. My son went through a phase like this and I put it down to him noticing differences. Plain & simple. There was no source for his comments, other than himself.

I guided him down the route that we are not a family that judge on differences and we are to be kind to all people. Gentle hands/Kind words.

I also asked him how he would feel if a black child said unkind things to him just because he had pink skin. Light bulb moment - he said he'd feel sad and he said he wouldn't like to make another boy or girl feel like that.

[Doodle2U]

Oh, just remembered. I put my hand next to his hand and the skin tone was different. It's a good way of showing that we all have different coloured skin, so using that as a basis to judge someone is crap!

[ditavonteesed]

I think it is something a little more than noticing differences, she alwasys notices other differences but skin colour is the only thing she has ever said anything nasty about. I did the different skin tone thing as well. I will definatly try reversing it.

The nursery said that what we are doing is the right way to deal with it but it doesn't seem to be working, they have also had circle time about it. They were grateful that I told them, apparently most parents wouldn't .

[ditavonteesed]

bump.

[ruddynorah]

there are some nie books in a range called 'all kinds of..' there's one about skin, one about feelings, one about houses, another about bodies etc etc. really good.

[cory]

I agree that this is more than just noticing differences; she is passing nasty comments about other people. She may not understand all the implications, but I'd agree with Hecate, tell her it's rude and let her know there will be consequences.

[ditavonteesed]

those books sound great, i will have a look on amazon.
We had a great long discussion today about why we chose our cats from the rescue and that it was nothing to do with the colour of their fur as that didn't matter but because they were kind gentle cats.
I am trying to find things all the time that are similar to race discussion while not actually having race discussions as I don't want it always to be on her mind IYSWIM.