I'm so upset and dont think i can cope with dd anymore, please help me (long, sorry)

[PleaseDontFlameMe]

Firstly, I've namechanged as i'm so ashamed of the fact that i have no control over my dd (10) and i really dont know what to do.

She has been cheeky and argumentative for a while now and we've always had a problem with bedtimes (it takes me sometimes an hour to get her to go to bed) but for some reason tonight has just been awful.

It started off when eating her tea, she dropped some noodles down her t-shirt and instead of picking them up and putting them on her plate, she threw them and they landed down behind the tv. I immediately asked her why she had done that and she replied 'because i wanted to'. I told her that it was unacceptable and that she should know at her age not to throw food around the house! Anyway, then it came to bedtime and she decided she needed a drink before she got changed into her pj's. I made her some orange squash and told her to drink it up then get her pj's on, teeth brushed and that i wanted her in bed by 8.30pm (which was 20 mins away). She then sat and sipped the orange squash so slowly whilst smirking at me and repeating 'and what happens if i'm not in bed by 8.30pm'. I told her that i was really fed up of her not going to bed when she was supposed to and that 11pm is far too late for her to be going to bed on a school night (it is sometimes later than this by the time i get her to go). I said that if she wasnt in bed by 8.30pm that she would not be allowed to go to her friends for tea tomorrow night. This was met with a reply of 'so what, i dont care'.

At 8.40pm she was still up and i had by this point told her numerous times to go brush her teeth and get into bed. To which she replied each time with 'no'. I'm ashamed to say that at this point i burst into tears and had to leave the room. She proceeded to turn the music channel on and sing along to whatever it was that was on there.

Eventually after i'd calmed down a little, i went back in to her and said, calmly, please dd i really need you to go to bed now, you have school tomorrow and you need to get some sleep. I'm really fed up with having this every single night and its really starting to upset me. She then started screaming at me and telling me i was a psycho .

Eventually, after many tears from both of us, she agreed to go to bed and i could hear her lying crying for about 15 minutes. I went in and had a chat with her and explained why i had been so upset and that i dont tell her to do things to be a spoilsport, that there is a reason for everything etc.

And now, I sit here typing this feeling like the worst mother in the whole world. I'm surprised my neighbours havent called ss because of the screaming and shouting from both sides .

Please dont flame me for any of this, i really dont think i could cope with that. I left my abusive xp (dd's father) 2 years ago and now it feels as though dd has picked up where he left off and is making my life a misery.

If you have managed to read to the end of this, thank you. Please can anybody offer me any advice? I really don't know what to do

[Farb]

sorry, no advice as my dds are still small.

Poor you. I'm quite sure you are not the worst mother in the whole world. Anything but.

I'm sure someone with similar aged children will be along to give you some good advice.

[blisscake]

I don't think you're the worst mother in the world at all. It sounds like your DD is working you hard and pressing your buttons and she knows which ones to press. Please don't be hard on yourself.

[sagacious]

NO ONE will flame you

Agree with Blisscake

Bumping for someone with older children than mine!

[sagacious]

000 X posts Jammi !

[laurz75]

Hi,

Not really got a lot of advice, just ideas, but didn't want to read and run. Try not to let her see that her behaviour is riling you - sounds like she's enjoying the attention (despite it being negative) - stay as calm as you can. Maybe you could 'do' something together before her bedtime (read together, watch something on TV, drawing or colouring?) to make it a time that you spend together.
It does sound like she is having a tough time maybe linked to her father? She is also heading towards begining of puberty I guess. Maybe talk to her GP if things don't settle down to see if there's any support available to her.
By the way, you are not the worst mother in the world and I bet the neighbours can't hear a thing!

[PleaseDontFlameMe]

Thanks for your replies, i wont let her go out tomorrow although i dont know how much difference it will make. I always do stick to my 'threats' and if i tell her that she wont go out if she carries on doing x, y or z, then she doesnt go out. This usually just makes things worse though and she will trash her bedroom or pick something of mine up which she knows is dear to me (usually photographs in frames) and threaten to destroy them. I then back down and end up apologising to her because i dont want my things (or hers!) destroyed!

My xp was very controlling and sometimes she reminds me of him in so many ways .

[charliecat]

Sounds like my mates little boy, hes very tiring. Sympathy.
I may get flamed but you need to find her weakness. You need to find something that she DOES give a shit about.
For my dds it is Nintendo DSs.
As for bedtime completely change it.
And start at 6 so shes settled ish for half eight/nine oclock.

I would frogmarch her to the bathroom with the No to teeth brushing. Or remove DS for hour. And bloody hell. Switch the music channel off...is that her weakness maybe?

[CarGirl]

I think it is a reaction to the situation with her ask. You could ask your gp for a referral for family therapy or something just for your dd.

I don't think you are a bad Mum but I think you would find it much easier with some help to be the one back in control. Please make sure you follow through on the not going to friend's for tea tomorrow.

Hugs

[Sidge]

That sounds really hard, I feel for you.

It sounds to me like you are pretty ground down, and she knows that and is winding you up. You have lost the authority that you had, and crying and begging with her doesn't help. You need to try and find a way to regain the upper hand and remind her that you are the adult here.

Do you follow through on your threats eg not letting her go to her friend's for tea? The "I don't care" is a childish remark from her, probably all bluff. If you start following through on things that you threaten to withdraw she will know you mean business, but it might take a while.

I would have turned the lights off and left her sitting in the dark, and if she turned them on and turned the TV on I would have switched the fuses off! Show her I meant business (but I know that's easy for me to say). Also if she is stubborn the more you nag her to do something ie brush teeth, the more she'll kick against it. I give my DD1 (aged 9.5) a countdown of warnings, eg in the bath in 10 minutes, out the bath in 5, teeth done in 5, lights out in 10 etc.

Have you thought about asking your GP for a referral to the Child and Family Therapy team? Your daughter probably has her own issues from the abuse she has seen her dad give you, and as that became her norm she is perpetuating the 'abuse' by totally disregarding and disresepcting you. A third party may help her work out her feelings.

I hope things improve for you.

[blinkingthreetimes]

Sounds just like my 10 yr old ds he is a little swine ATM very arrogant and rude and just seems to want to get one over on us all the time

He had me in tears over the weekend so you are not alone and certainley not a bad mum

I hope you feel better tomorrow

[thornrose]

Oh I do feel for you, sounds a bit like my house at times and my dd is only 8 yo!
I wonder if just to break the cycle of anger and power struggles around bedtime, you get her to go to bed at 8.30 but say she can read or listen to very quiet music in bed for half hour? It might seem like "giving in" but sometimes the fight just isn't worth it if isn't actually just about bedtime IYKWIM?
I did this with my dd and she often drifts to sleep before the half hour is up anyway. Also about half hour before bed I make my announcement, if you want anything to eat or drink, ask now, absolute last chance time, it's really worked as she would ask for a drink 5 minutes before bed just to stay up a bit later.

[PleaseDontFlameMe]

Laurz, i have tried to do things with her before bedtime - things she enjoys doing, like playing on the wii together or playing a board game. As soon as she doesnt get her own way though or doesnt 'win' the game, then she will start with me.

She has always blamed me for daddy leaving. I hid as much of the abuse as i could from her and so she didnt see how bad it was - she would hear him shouting and abusing me but never saw the physical side. I have tried to explain to her that me and her dad didnt get on and that its better now we live apart etc (without telling her the whole truth) but she still blames me for it, i can tell. And that hurts, the main reason that i left him was so that myself and dd could have a better life, a happier life. But, it seems to have gotten worse in some respects

[harpomarx]

hey pdfm

i'm a single mum with a dd too (younger than yours though)

I think it is a very intense relationship and i know that her behaviour is always worse when i am stressed or unhappy.

if we go through a bad patch where we seem to be winding each other up all the time I pull myself up and try my hardest to get things back on track. sometimes you are both hurting (and the recent separation is probably a big issue for her) and things just take on their own momentum.

i find it helps a lot to spend time with family and friends - i have dd's friends over for tea as much as poss and spend at least one night a week at my parents. it all helps to defuse the intensity and remind you both that you have loads of friends and family around you and that life is still good, even if you are not the 'ideal' two parent family.

[Quattrocento]

My DD is 10 and I have an awful lot of trouble getting her to bed. It comes and goes in phases. Part of it is DD pushing the boundaries I think. The things I do are these and it has got a bit better:

1. Be very firm about the bed time and do not push it back or make it elastic. So if you say 8.30 then mean 8.30 and don't let it roll back to 9.30

1. I have a different bed time for weekend nights - so 10.00 on Friday and Saturday and school holidays is okay but 8.30 is mandatory on school nights.

1. They are allowed to read once they are in bed but not play on laptops, watch dvds, play their DS or anything like that.

1. If you are clear that if they disobey then they will be punished, then you absolutely have to follow that through. So if DD is playing up and I threaten to remove her mobile or whatever, then that's what I have to do if she does follow it up.

1. Try not to get emotionally engaged in an argument ... you really should try to avoid crying/shouting/screaming ... it's easier said than done I know ... I've been guilty of all three in my time ... but losing control sends messages about the way that children can push buttons successfully.

I am sorry that you have had an awful time of things.

[Remotew]

Sorry you are going through this. When it comes to bed time can you ask her to go up to her room and she can read etc for a little while. Maybe she is not tired at 8.30.

Could she be going through puberty early are there any signs? If so this can be a challenging time. You expect this behaviour from a hormonal teen but it can happen much earlier.

Honestly I had all of this, just try to keep calm and it will calm down too in time.

[bluejelly]

Sometime things get worse before they get better. You absolutely did the right thing leaving your ex. Don't doubt that for a second.

If it helps I was absolutely foul to my mum at aged ten-- worse than I ever was as a teenager. And there were no abusive dads in the picture!

I would say that she is attention seeking big time, pushing the boundaries in the way that toddlers do. So I would suggest a concerted campaign of rewarding good behaviour, praising her for everything she does right, even rewarding her with a treat for 5 nights in bed without fuss in a row?

Then if she misbehaves respond with clear fair punishments eg less time on the wii etc

Good luck

PS 8.30 seems quite early for her to be in bed-- my dd is 8 and goes to bed at 9. Just thought?

[Quadrophenia]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time, you are not a bad mum at all, children do this, they need to push boundaries and feel secure, sticking to your guns will help with this. However I do completely undertsand what you mean in terms of where do you go from here. Once situations deteriorate its hard to regain that control, i have similar issues with my 8 year old dd. What i have found that helps is sitting down with her, when things are nice and explaining things in a much calmer environment. its futile to try and do it in the midst of the sitaution as it sounds like she is not receptive at this time. After a particularly bad episode with my dd I sat down and asked her what she thought would be a reasonable puishment and we agreed on how things would work, it ultimately gave her some control and now she knows she has two warnings and then i take away her tamagotchi (which she loves). So far it has been succesful, if she gets stroppy I remind her that she helped decide on the punishment and her behaviour dictates wether it is carried through. HTH

[PleaseDontFlameMe]

Thank you all for your suggestions and support, i really thought i was the only person with such a disruptive dd!

Tomorrow I am going to be strong and i am going to try some of the things suggested, such as going to bed a bit earlier and having time to read etc.

I think part of my problem is that xp destroyed most of my self-confidence and controlled me so much that now i always feel really guilty and bad when she cries because i've taken something off of her or stopped her going out. I always remember how it felt when he would tell me i couldnt go out with my friends because i washed the dishes or there was dust on the top of the TV. Or when he took my mobile off me because it had rang late at night etc.

I know that this is a completely different situation but i cant help thinking back to what it was like, and thinking that i'm 'abusing' dd by doing the same things to her

[thornrose]

33kjs I think using love and affection when a child is very angry and emotional is a great idea, I do it with my daughter. I used to be told by others I was "giving in" but my instincts told me to carry on. It can stop the "button pushing" because it doesn't get the expected response. Needs the patience of a saint and a lot of smiling through gritted teeth though

[margoandjerry]

I have no experience - DD is only 18 mo - but I think you have hit the nail on the head in your last post. You are afraid to be in charge because your xp was so domineering and you fear you are like him.

You are definitely not like him. You need to take control and show your daughter that she is safe and secure in a home where someone (you) is in charge and that means she follows your rules. That sense of security is the greatest thing you can give her.

I think children can only be happy where they are secure and know that an adult is in charge of making the world ok for them. So don't feel guilty when she cries - just know that you are working on giving her the stability she needs.

Also, I'm not suggesting that you bad mouth your xp but 10 is old enough to understand that adults are not superhumans. Once you have regained control can you talk to her about why you are on your own together and why it's important that you stay on the same side?

[margoandjerry]

but also agree with 33kjs about the love and reinforcement too.

It's a really powerful tool, especially when someone is angry, to tell them that you love them (but xyz is not going to happen)