how do i tell my son about his bilogical father?

[fizzledizzle]

my ds has just turned 11 and has been brought up by my (now)husband since he was 3 months old. he doesnt know that my dh isnt his biological father. it wasnt a premeditated decision not to tell him. he has had behavoural problems since he was young and doesnt cope with change of anytype of conflict and we were just trying to work on that. but know it has gone on so long i just dont know what to do. i feel he has a right to know but have made a really big mistake in not telling him before and now dont know what to do. His biological dad isnt interested and has only seen him once when he was 1 week old. any advice or experience of this will be gratefully received

[fizzledizzle]

sorry that is biological father (bad typo)

[gothicmama]

try and introduce idea as a general before getting into the details of his life so he gets used to the idea I'm sure there is a book that helps but I can't think what it's called at the mo

[fizzledizzle]

thanks gothicmama i really just dont know how to approach it. dh is also really worried about it as he feels ds mifgt suddenly reject him which would just destroy my dh who adores him

[gothicmama]

there is no need for your son to reject his dad - he is more likely to do so if he finds out later, does he have friends who he knows are not biological child to their dad, try and introduce the concept slowly and gauge his response, BAAF have some books on different types of family but may be more adoption/ fostered related

[fizzledizzle]

none of his friends know but lots of mine do. all of our parents and family do so i know i have to tell him. in times of stress he reverts to obsessive types of behaviour and i am so worried about making him worse. i'm also worried about how he'll feel about his biological father lack of interest, i just dont have the courage to just do it

[arc]

My dad wasn't my biological father (although he was there at my birth). My parents waited until i had finished college (I was about 21) until telling me. I'm glad they waited because I was independent of them - and the news was a shock - but exciting as well. If I had been told earlier, I think it would have been harder for me. (But there was no chance anybody else was going to tell me - hardly anyone else knew). Good luck with whatever you decide - but perhaps think about waiting?

[CarGirl]

I would try and drop into the conversation in a matter of fact no big deal way and be ready for the questions that will be raised by him (either immediately or later). Perhaps you need to apply for a passport or something and say something like "it's only just occurred to me you need to know that ..........."

[Alambil]

Don't say your DH isn't DS's dad/real dad - he IS his real dad... what he isn't, is genetically related.

[shinyshoes]

Brill idea Lewisfan.

Is there a reason you want to tell him now? personally 11 is a funny age, and I don't think the right age as they are trying to come to terms with who they are themselves, making the transition from Primary to Secondary school, and trying to deal with the start of hormones which are all over the place, its confusing enough for them.
I have every sympathy.
I read this and thought it was me writing it I am in exactly the same position, my boy is 11 too, and I am waiting as I think it could send him off the rails.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[shinyshoes]

Brill idea Lewisfan.

Is there a reason you want to tell him now? personally 11 is a funny age, and I don't think the right age as they are trying to come to terms with who they are themselves, making the transition from Primary to Secondary school, and trying to deal with the start of hormones which are all over the place, its confusing enough for them.
I have every sympathy.
I read this and thought it was me writing it I am in exactly the same position, my boy is 11 too, and I am waiting as I think it could send him off the rails.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[shortshafe]

I work in social services and do quite a lot of this sort of thing.

We introduce the idea that there are different 'sorts' or 'types' of dad, a biological or birth dad is usually described as the dad who helped make the baby. In this circumstance we'd also talk about the dad who 'parents', I agree with Lewisfan though, that his dad is his 'real' dad and I'd avoid calling him anything other than dad. Maybe go down the line of 2 dads, one who helped me make you, then one who has done all of the things a dad should do, (sure you can come up with the list!).

There are some great books that could help with this, give me a bit and I'll post you some names! (Am supposed to be working )

[shortshafe]

What's my family tree? by Mick Manning is an interactive 'fill it in' type book which is aimed at slightly younger kids. It's good because it introduces the idea that there are lots of different sorts of families.

If lots of your family and friends know about the situation, are you sure your son doesn't know already? I had one of my auntie's neighbours tell me our family secret when I was about 10 - she just dropped it into conversation, assuming I knew!

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

[magnolia74]

I agree 11 is a difficult age.
I was 11 when my parenst told me that my dad is not my biological father. It was really hard

I never rejected him though but wish I had either known from an early age or they had waited until I was older x

[fizzledizzle]

thanks for the advice.my ds biological father isnt named on the birth certificate (its just a blank space)my mum has really been pressuring me to tell him as she sees it as being incredibly dishonest. i like the idea of waiting untill he is older and it might not be so confusing for him. my dh has always been involved in everything ds has done from 2am feeds, 1st day at school etc, so it isnt as if my son is missing out on anything, he has a wonderfull dad who is involved and interested in everything he does

[magnolia74]

Sounds like you are only condsidering it beause of you mum, It is a big thing to do that will have a huge impact on your son, you and your dh. It needs to be your decision not your mums

[Earlybird]

This is very tricky, and I'm sure that trickiness is largely why you have not yet had this conversation with your son.

Everything I have read says it is best to tell a child from as early as possible (this applies to adoption, donor fertility treatments, and situations like yours). Children who are not told early, are told very late, or who find out accidentally are the children who feel angry/betrayed/hurt. It can bring up huge issues of parental trust, and can also make the child feel unsettled because they're 'not who they thought they were'.

If I were you, I'd take advice on the wording (maybe get some books, or even seek professional advice so that it is done sensitively), but would look to have the conversation sooner than later. IMO, you really must do it. Please don't delay any longer - especially if quite a few people know.