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Parenting

Playdates how do you deal with their squabbles

15 replies

lostittoday · 05/04/2008 16:30

Hi
My ds frequently has a friend home for tea after school.
However how do I deal with their little squabbles, such as one wanting to do one thing, and the other wanting to do something else.
My ds drives me mad coming up to me saying that his mate will not do what he wants to do and won,t play with him.
It usually ends with one doing one thing, and the other doing something else, both in a strop.
How do I deal with this I really don,t know the right way.
I try telling them to sort it out bewteen them but they seem incapable.
The one occasion my ds's mate wanted to play on the pool table, but my ds wouldn't play with him, my ds's friend was quite upset so I had a game with him, my ds then tried to ruin the game by throwing his toys onto the table.
My ds has this attitude that its his house so his friends should play what he wants them to play as it his toys, possesions, etc.
Sometimes my ds will march off and put the telly on and shout at his mate for making too much noise.
Please help I find it so frustrating.

OP posts:

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TurkeyLurkey · 05/04/2008 16:35

How old are they?

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bookkeeper · 05/04/2008 16:37

Yes, what age are they as my advice would be different for different age groups.

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lostittoday · 05/04/2008 16:41

7 year olds.
Its not just with one friend he gets into these squabbles, its with any friend he has round.

OP posts:

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juuule · 05/04/2008 16:50

I'd tell him that he wasn't having anyone home for tea anymore until he could play nicely with them. If he didn't then I would stop the playdates. I'd also point out that a friend comes to play together with him and is not just an extra toy for him.
If he was behaving okay and his friend wasn't then I would say something to the friend about not being able to come if they didn't play nicely together and to sort themselves out. I would make suggestions to help but if they couldn't agree about anything then no more playdates for a while.

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bookkeeper · 05/04/2008 16:51

OK, so not tiny.

Well, it depends what your attitude is to guests. My kids know (most of the time) that they put their preferences to one side when they have a guest i.e. they should go along with what the guest wants to do. That's not to say they can't make suggestions, but DS would normally say to a guest "do you want to play football or go on the trampoline" and then the guest would choose (DS is 9).

We have had some kids round who have abused their guest position IYKWIM but most have been great. Nowadays with DS and his friends, I never have to get involved. But it takes a lot of practice to be a good host IMO and he will need your help for some time to come.

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TurkeyLurkey · 05/04/2008 16:54

Do you have a garden? If so, turf them out there to play. If you don't, is there a park on the way home you can take them too to let off steam for half an hour.

I think also you have to keep an ear out for when the mood changes and one of them is getting stroppy. If things start getting tense I then suggest a game for them to do together which is totally different...i.e why don't you both do such and such, come on..blah blah (have to be a bit bossy with them)

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VictorianSqualor · 05/04/2008 16:58

If DD didn't behave nicely during palydates she wouldn't have them.
I'm also quite good at yelling up the stairs 'Erm, I hope yo're all playing nicely up there or I'll be taking so-and-so home' if they get a bit boisterous.

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TurkeyLurkey · 05/04/2008 17:07

LOL Victoriansqualor - I do the yelling up the stairs too.

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Monkeybird · 05/04/2008 17:13

Timer: firmly tell them guests get to choose first, then use a timer (microwave? cooker?) and then be disciplined about making them choose. After a few times, they'll get the hang of it.

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Monkeybird · 05/04/2008 17:14

VS - have you had that baby?!

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VictorianSqualor · 05/04/2008 17:17

No mb!
Am supposed to be having a CS if I cant get it out naturally by wednesday.

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tigermoth · 05/04/2008 17:20

I make it a rule that ds cannot ignore a guest guests for very long or throw a wobbly otherwise that guest won't come again. If your ds is not playing nicely with any of his playdate friends I think you should end the playdates for now unless things improve pretty quick. Give your ds some warning first and ask for suggestions from him as to how to make playdates better.

Perhaps he has other ideas about how he'd like to see his friends? ie they come round to watch a film, or swap cards, or play lego. If he has a specific activity in mind you could try making this clear when you invite a guest, but tbh, I am not sure if this would work. Many children would not be happy to be restricted to one activity.

How about inviting ds's friends to parks when the weather is a bit warmer and keeping it at that?

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marina · 05/04/2008 17:21

I hope you're not doing anything else rumoured to kick-start labour while you are Mn-ing, VS [ahock]
lostit, unless he only turned seven last week, I think your ds is getting to the age now where you can set some ground rules for turn-about and sharing in playdates (like others have suggested). If your ds still won't play host reasonably fairly, ground him, and tell him why.