Immature 12 year old DS

[mummyflood]

Hi to everyone, this is my first post after having been a lurker for ages!

I will try to be as brief as poss but give you a picture of my worry in the hope that someone may be able to give me some advice/the benefit of their experience, etc. Well, we have 2 DS, the younger of which is a 'young' 12yo IYSWIM. He started yr7 in September, and I am concerned that it just isn't 'happening' for him.

He was hothoused through his SATS, achieving v. good level 5's across the board, however his teacher assessments were level 4's throughout. Consequently he was placed in the top stream at HS, and has already been moved down 1 class in January. I feel this will not be the last move if the downward trend in his levels revealed in his end of term report continues.

However, more worrying to me is his emotional/social development. He is quite immature for his age IMO, teachers and friends also have thought so over the last couple of years. When he left primary he didnt have any proper friends really, and moved up to HS with several boys who he knew but I wouldnt class as friends.

He hasnt made any new friends as such, never sees/speaks to anyone outside of school. He doesnt go on MSN, or ring anyone, etc, says he doesnt want to. TBH I get the impression he hasnt much in common with anyone - not into any particular games consoles/games except PSP - exclusively football games. In fact that is his one passion/hobby - football, more specifically our local team. He does go to all home games and several away games with his Dad, this is his only social life. He asked a boy if he would like to come round after school a few weeks ago - the reply was 'I probably wont be able to as my Mum doesn't know you well' - ???!! He said 'hi' to another boy he says he likes in a shop in town a couple of days ago - we were about 10-12 feet away at the time.The boy looked down & blanked him (I was there, and thought it quite rude actually!!) We have tried many activities/clubs over the last couple of years - he soon gets fed up & asks not to go any more. He is also quite chubby and does get a degree of 'flak' over this.

So a big thank you to anyone who has got this far, and would anyone be able to give me any suggestions as to what we can/should do? He seems quite happy at home but I do sometimes get the impression that he would like a friend sometimes. The school are well aware that we are concerned - his HOY said she thinks it is a confidence issue and would see what she could do to help - nothing forthcoming so far, that was said in December! Has anyone had a child who was like this at a similar age, and if so did they alter with or without your input, will he 'grow up' eventually? Do immature pre teens/teens mature sooner or later?

[windygalestoday]

i have 3 ds and each of them is very different in respect of friends and clubs etc - you cant force it - it will happen when hes ready children that have siblings a similar age dont always feel the need for other childrens company it might be worthwhile looking at ways to mae friends my ds1 was rther abrupt on the fone when foning friends all u got was the obligtory hello is ~~~~ there plese? we practiced and now he will say 'hello im sorry to disturb you is ~~~~ there ples? its nick from school etc....usually followed by yes im fine thanks are you ok? so our practice paid off.........hes only 12 and learning to be an adolscent it all takes time .....wait til he finds girls like our ds2 then you will be wishing he was still reserved

[ChocolateRockingHorse]

He is at the age just before it could very well "all start happening for him", at least with regard to finding his feet socially. He may never be Mr Sociable but by half way by Y9 it's quite likely he will have found his niche/some friends in common at school.

My son was very introvert/unsure of himself in Y7. Now in Y11 he has made the most amazing transformation into being one of the "in crowd" (but someone who actually gets on with everyone) that you could ever imagine, in fact I never imagined. His confidence has grown and grown. This is largely due to the school which very successfully identifies the areas where students excell/need support and act according, helping their confidence as appropriate.

Please don't think "not using MSN" is a sign of anything negative - if you ask me it is more trouble than its worth, particularly where youngsters are concerned.

He is into football - that's good and eventually he'll find people he can chat to about players he admires/other supporters of the home team. My son was only ever into swimming - that was his social life (he didn't even like football!). Now he's a real sporty all-rounder which, for boys, is a really good thing, socially. But football especially - your son will no doubt help his social life at some stage.

With regard to school progress, the best person to chat to/make an appointment with his year od year who will be used to chatting to concerned parents of Y7s. Can you email school? When I have concerns, I put it all in writing in an email (asking office to forward to member of staff if I don't have specific email address - they all have laptops these days!) and the staff members gets back to me, either re an appointment or he/she rings me. They won't mind doing this; your son's welfare is their concern too. You can chat about how he is/isn't "keeping up" and about how he is socially as well. They may even be able to with providing a few "in school" social opportunities for him. Ours is good at that.

Ultimately though, it's up to him. You sound a great mum and he will benefit from that above all. Even when they act as if the last thing they want is mum fussing round, knowing that she is there, and cares, if the most important thing. Make opportunties to chat even if in the car on the way to/fro places and don't be too intense.

Good luck. I know what it's like to be the mother of a boy who lacks friends/confidence although if you saw my son now, all manly and on brink of leaving school(his looks suddenly "blossomed" too!) you wouldn't think I could possibly be referring to the same child.

[mummyflood]

Thank you both for your replies. It's reassuring to hear about other boys of a similar age who have 'come through this', as it where. He gets on reasonably well with his older brother (14) but they are very different boys in a lot of ways. DS1 seemed to mature much quicker - has always been slightly more outgoing and is lucky to have made 3 very nice friends, one of whom he spends a fair amount of time with - they are very similar. He seems to have a wide circle at school and really seems to have found his niche there. It makes me feel almost guilty in a way when he is off doing his own thing with his friends and DS2 is at home with us yet again.

ChocolateRockingHorse - I think its time to have another chat with the school as you suggest. His HOY seems lovely - I actually thought she may have been in touch with us by now following the class move and our chat regarding confidence issues...but I dont think this school is particularly hot on communication in many ways TBH! But wouldnt want to make a pest of myself either, been there - done that at primary, whole other topic!

Best Wishes
MF xx

[ChipButty]

Good luck, MummyFlood. Just wanted to add, as a teacher, that you shouldn't be worried about 'pestering' the school. Most teachers would be happy to talk and try and come up with some solutions: We are not just there to educate your child academically but also to take a pastoral role.

[ChocolateRockingHorse]

I'm glad you knew I was referring to Head of Year even though I was typing complete bolleaux MF

Agree with CB, don't worry about "pestering" the school. They like communicative parents.. they will undoubtably have a majority who don't communicate enough. And if you have a concern then you are not fussing unecessarily. Look into email. That way you get to say what you want to say and they get to reply to you in their own time and phone if they wish.

[scaryteacher]

My DS is much the same as yours, but doesn't like football at all! As a secondary school teacher, I wouldn't worry too much -they all develop at different rates and have different interests. Mine is an only and has been slow to make friends, but there are lads who we take off-roading, and have around on occasions.

Mine doesn't use MSN either - he says if he wants to talk to people, he'll pick up the phone...and given some of the cyber bullying that can and does go on, to me that's a plus.

My DS goes to scouts (if you're non sporty out here in Brussels there aren't many clubs!) and does art club after school which helps his confidence, and he seems to enjoy them. I don't push him to do clubs or activities that he won't enjoy, but once he's made a commitment like scouts and swimming lessons, then he has to stick to them.

I worry that my DS is too 'young' sometimes, but then I think so what? He will be an adult soon enough, and I want him to feel that he's had a childhood, not a hot housing, and been able to mature at his own pace, not anyone else's.

[mummyflood]

Thank you teachers who are also mums for your perspectives!

One thing for sure, he will always have Mum, Dad & DS1 on his side no matter what - we love him to bits. At home he is funny, loud, sensitive, caring, wacky and lots of other things (DS1 would have an entirely different list!!) - hopefully in a few years he will add confidence to this in order to show it outside the home and achieve a little more independance for his own good.

I am definitely going to have another talk to school, and am going to look into some tennis lessons which is something he did a few years ago and was fairly good at. Thanks CRH for the email suggestion - that is a great idea which I reckon will work better for me than trying to say all this in a phone call initially!!

Best Wishes
xxMFxx