The parental support woman from the school has suggested a list of house rules

[saltire]

and behaviour charts.
First - does nayone else have written rules that they all adhere to? We ahve things like, always putting your school bags away, tidying up plates etc. Nothing written down though, adn i find myself turning into my mum, who still clears up afte rmy 32 year old brother.
For example they ahd a friend in,a dn I said ok, as long the bedroom wasn't left int eh mess it ahd been last time. They played for a while on PS2 and then went out. I've jsut gone upstairs, to find TV blaring, both matresses off bed, duvets out of covers etc. which brings me to the next bit, the DSes said that oen fo the rules for us as parents should be to stop shouting and nagging. How can i stop nagging when they do this. DS1 always leaves the TV on. Every time they have friends in the bedroom ends up like a shit tip.
What basic, easy for a 10 year old and 8 year old to understand rules can i have?I also need to pick 2 things they do which they could improve on, for sticker charts. For example, one for DS1 could be to stop putting every feckin light on in the house when he gets up.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I tried out house rules a few weeks ago. Things not to do and things to do. The kids loved the novelty of having them up on the wall and took great delight in telling their sibling off if they broke one.

[S1ur]

Right quick disclaimer -this appraoch isn't really my bag BUT to answer your questions.

You can stop nagging by having simple agreed consequences.

For example

Bedrooms need to be tidy before dinner.
otherwise the playstation is gone for evening.

Then you just go and have a check before dinner (after giving one reminder say 15 mins earlier) and pass little comment just remove game.

I don't like sticker charts personally, but I know some people foind them very useful.

I would think about what you actually want and why.

Why does it bug you that he lights are on?

Is a cost thing? an environmental thing? You could discuss these issues with him.

Prioritise and be clear about what and why you don't like certain behaviours.

[Wotz]

saltire all I can suggest is that they don't have friends in their rooms until they can respect the things in it.

I would be cross if I went in to see their rooms like that. A few toys are one thing, but there is a limit to mess.

[Blandmum]

First of all I think you need to target the three things that you most want to change.

At their age they will not be able to change everything at the same time.

You need to agree what the three things are, and what the sanctions are if they break the rules......so they can't simply ignore their half of the deal and then tell you that you are breaking the 'no nagging' rule!

So, one prompt, one reminder and then a sanction.

'Your bed needs to be made now, thank you'

'You have had 10 minutes to make your bed, if you choose not to do it now there will be a sanction of X'

'You have chosen not to make your bed, so now X happens'

And stick to it. Even when all hell breaks loose, which it will.

Make it clear that they are choosing the sanction, not you!

[saltire]

But what sort of things did you ahve NAB?
DS2 thinks they should say things like "Grown ups must not switch the news/their programmes on when I am watching an episode of Zac and Cody (which he has seen umpteen times before)

[S1ur]

As an add-on. If you are going down this route, its better to frame rules positively.

We all keep our hall tidy and safe by putting away our bags.

rather than.

No bags in the hall.

[Blandmum]

Saltire, we agree 'kids times' for TV and grown up times.

Agree my kids watch crap, but it would be irritating if someone intereupted my watching of crap!

[glitterfairy]

We have a family meeting once a month here my kids and I discuss everything that is on our minds about living together. We have been doing this since my youngest was 6 and they each take turns at chairing the meeting and taking notes. We have a book where we write things down which we want to remember.

It has been hard not really taking over but has been really good as well. They set their own punishments(much worse than anything I would do) for things they do wrong and even have a scale! The kids (I have three) also set their bedtimes and rules around tv and talking to each other properly. We now have to eat together once a day and not in front of the tv and tv only gets switched on afterwards. They set this rule not me and we agreed it together.

I started by creating a mind map of how we wanted to be as family and how we wanted to treat each other and other people. The kids used colours, pictures and poems.

I obviously think it is a good idea. Our family meeting nights are Sunday and we now only have meetings when one of the kids calls one because they have a problem.

[Wotz]

I agree you have to warn them that they only have 30 minutes of crap left to watch!

I find giving them a reasonable amount of time to do things is better than expecting it done NOW, tell them you want ti done by x time and agree with them that it will be done. Asking for changes, chores to be done NOW leads to madness and disappointment.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

We had

no hitting
no fighting
no punching
no answering back/arguing
no breaking toys

Be kind to each other
Share toys
DO as Mummy and Daddy ask

etc etc

Can't remember them all now.

Mine are wuite little so it appealed to them. Obviously didn't make them angels but it made them try harder.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

quite little

[SofiaAmes]

Take the tv and psp out of their room and out of the house if you need to until they follow rules. Writing it down won't make a bit of difference unless you have some meaningful consequences and stick to them.