Suitable punishment for this? ways to handle it...?

[MrsSnape]

I allow my 9 year old son 2 hours of computer time a night. I have parental controls set on his account so that certain sites are banned etc...

Anyway one of his favourite sites is "Roblox" which is a community where kids build little worlds in a "lego" type setting and can chat to each other.

Anyway he said he was having trouble logging in so I came in to do it for him, after putting in the password etc a message came on saying he had violated the sites terms and conditions and had been reported by another member for "profanity".

Underneath this was a transcript of what he had said to someone and it went like this:

"You mother f u c k e r, you big b i t c h, im going to f u c ki n g beat you up!"

I asked what the hell he was playing at and who he'd written it to, first he said he didn't write it, then he said his brother had written it, eventually he said he wrote it but didn't mean to press send, he then began crying and begged me not to tell anyone etc. He won't give me a proper reason as to why it was written in the first place.

I don't know how to handle this, he's usually "the good kid", never in trouble ... I'm shocked and quite upset.

He would be devestated if I banned him from the PC but I'm thinking it deserves this?

[cazboldy]

Well if he has been banned from his favourite site, then that is a punishment in itself, but I would have a chat with him, and make sure he is well aware of why what he did is wrong, and I would ban him completely for say, a week or something.

[soapbox]

Oh blimey, that's a hard one!

Being banned from his favourite site, is a big punishment in itself, but the question is whether it is enough.

I think from MN you can see how people can quite easily write things that they would never say in RL, so I'd be inclined to cut him a bit of slack. Perhaps a weeks computer ban is in order - or blocking all but one 'boring' site?

[Lazylou]

That kind of language is, IMO unacceptable from an adult let alone a child. On that count alone, I would ban all computer use for the forseeable future or until he at least give you a 'proper reason' why he has written it. That's not to say that when he does give you a proper reason you should allow him back on it, it would, for me, depend on the reason and whether or not I considered it to be a legitimate one.

If he is devestated by the ban, then that should do the job of teaching him a lesson.

[MrsSnape]

Thing is he hasn't actually been banned, it was an official warning and it asked him to tick the box saying that he agreed to the terms and conditions etc...next time it will be a ban.

[soapbox]

Oh well, that's different. I would stick that website on the banned list on the parental controls for the next month.

[perpetualworrier]

I think the "good kids" do sometimes need to try out being bad. I once called my mum a "cow". I knew it was wrong and I didn't even mean it really, but I think I was just experimenting to see what would happen. May seem tame in comparison, but it was aimed at my MUM and it was a long time ago.

My Dad sent me to my room and and I had to write 100 lines about being polite to my mother. I can honestly say I have never said that out loud to anyone since.

My children are a bit younger than him, but I'd be concerned about where he'd heard that language TBH.

I'm not sure that it matters what his reason is. ie if someone had done something terrible to him, would that make it OK? Not IMO and I think you're unlikey to get the full story anyway. He might not even know himself.

In terms of punishment, a ban from the site in question seems appropriate, as well as a grovelling appology to either the person it was aimed at or the site itself. Would it be possible for him send an email. You could have a minimum no. of words he needs to write (like my Dad did!)

[nkf]

I'd say that two hours a night on a computer is too long. I know that wasn't the point of the original post. Regarding the post, he's probably been having a quarrel with someone onsite and this is the outburst that resulted.

[bb99]

Maybe he was trying out being bad in a safe place iyswim, as even good kids play up (even mine ) sometimes and play with being bad, but i know that's not an excuse.

My dd tried to purchase some games from a website last year even after lots of education about how to and not to use the internet (we have parent controls too and unsupervised internet shopping is a BIG no no in our house!) and had thought it thru to the point of trying to send them a cheque (she's a bit older).

We were meanies and put her on a total screen ban (it took a long time to untangle the real story once we got wind) no TV video game platforms (including PSP) DVD computer (except for supervised HWK) for one week and then only "parent in the room and at the parent's convenience" supervised internet access for another month. Then a cooling off period with controlled internet access - it was amazing the things she found to do for those few weeks!

Probably a bit ott for your circumstances, but an internet restriction for a week would seem appropriate.

Good luck - maybe think of it as a good story for his wedding?

[plumandolive]

Kids do experiment with really bad language.
It is an unacceptable thing to say , but I wouldn't violently over react tbh.
The language they use to each other and in the playground is pretty horrendous, that doesn't make it right, but it's a mark of passage, particularly for boys.
The anonominity of the computer gives them confidence they wouldn't usually have.

[bb99]

Oh - also take heart, IMO rude words have a fascination to most children this age. I remember learning how to use a dictionary at age 8 just to look up and giggle at rude words - I don't think I was a particularly bad kid, tho I could be wrong!

[fedup1981]

Was that a direct transcript or did you space the words out like that?

If he spaced the words out like that, it's to get round a profanity filter which wouldn't let him type them normally, which in a way is even naughtier, BUT I think he was probably just trying to act tough because it's anonymous, I'm sure he's horrified you found it, I reckon a weeks ban and a warning is enough. Or you could tell him you've installed a program which will send you an alert if he swears!

[BroccoliSpears]

A good opportunity to remind him that the people he's communicating with are real people sitting at their computers too?

It's easy to forget that sometimes.

[MrsSnape]

No they were actually spaced out like that so he's obviously thought it through and known that what he wanted to write would not be tolerated by the website. Thats what I thought too, it seems even naughtier that he's gone to lenghs to make sure the words got through the filters.

[LookattheLottie]

I'm sorry but as somebody else said, I'd be mortified if that came out of an adults mouth let alone a 9yo. If he is usaully the 'good child' he's perhaps trying to be the 'cool bad kid who can swear' on the computer as nobody there knows him.

However, to me what he has said is really disgusting, and you can't leave sight of the fact that he has said these things to another person, not just a computer screen. If it were me I'd ban the computer and allow no access for a week or two, and write a big sticky note saying 'I must not swear' and attatch it to the screen. I'd also allow no pocket money for the week and be very watchful with anything he may be watching on the tv etc, to see where he has learnt to talk that way.

Yes children misbehave, but effing and blinding at another child, regardless of whether it was done via a computer or to somebodys face, is imo, not to be tolerated and not acceptable behaviour. I'd do my best to enforce that, no matter how harsh the punishment may seem to others. Make him realise that he cannot to things like this, and hopefully he'll do well to remember it.

[solo]

My Ds is the same age and pushes the boundaries now and again. Perhaps it's the age? Mine is going through a real Kevin and Perry patch right now and I doubt it'll get easier. Sometimes I forget that he is a little boy as he is very tall and mature(mostly)for his 9 years. I have to keep reminding myself that he's only young.
In your situation, I'd ban him for a month and would extend or reduce a day at a time according to his behaviour.

[plumandolive]

Lookat
Tha's the point tho'- it didn't come out of his mouth, it was in the safety of his room , with anonimity of the screen.

Sure, a ban is obviously the thing to do. But a moth is a really long time. And you havce to put up with resentment etc for all that time ( and it's holidays too)

I reckon he knows by now, and won't do that again anyway.

I think if he had been bulying, or fighting, or something really viscious, I would think it was worse.

But the way i see it, it wasn't like that, more an experiment with bad language , which they all try once in a while, and use among themselves.

lookat, You'd be shocked at how they speak to each other is totally different from their usual conversation.

[seeker]

I wonder whether 2 hours on the computer is too long? If he gets home from school at say, 3.30 and goes to bed at 7.30, then he's spending half his time on the computer. I wonder whether he's getting too drawn into the online world - and it's becoming a bit too real to him?

A week without any computer time will give him the opportunity to find some other activities.

[edam]

agree with people who have suggested he's experimenting with bad language (exciting, forbidden fruit) and with identity (not being 'the good one').

I can think of far worse things kids could get up to online, tbh. He's already on a warning from the website, so I wouldn't get too heavy - internet ban for a week? PC moved into the sitting room (if he has it in his bedrom) so you can see over his shoulder?

[edam]

good point from Seeker, maybe (once he's allowed back online) cut it down to one hour a night, or one every two nights?

[Bramshott]

Seeker - good advice, although I must admit I did have to laugh at "I wonder whether he's getting too drawn into the online world - and it's becoming a bit too real to him" - I could say that about me and Mumsnet!

[plumandolive]

Seeker- that's a really strong point i hadn't thought of. And will consider for mine too I think the online worls as seeker says, is very pervasive, and he is quite young afterall.
Mine go on Zoo tycoon, which is fairly innocuous, but the sounds and background is very intrusive and surrounding, I find I'm listening even if it's in the background.

My eldest has simms, which I'm begining to think is really quite nasty....

[Miggsie]

I have not had a swearing issue but I do notice the PC and the games make my DC more agressive and unreasonable, it's almost like an addiction.
I would be more worried that this level of agression came out, what on earth were they disagreeing about?
Perhaps a talk about containing anger, appropiate expression of frustration and a reminder that a computer game is a GAME and should not get this level of agression going in someone with a PC screen supposedly having fun.

He was obviously very angry so perhaps approach it from this angle rather than hte fact he knows these swear words (horrible though they are)

[plumandolive]

Do you think he was obviously angry? Or was it just experimenting, as quite a few of us think?
He could quite well have heard an older kid use the very phrase that day, been shocked but a bit impressed and awed by it, as it sounds like something in a nasty movie or ps game, and just thought it was an opportunity to try it out himself, being only 9 , not realising how someone would react?
I don't think as adulults we can expect children, particularly boys, to always see the consequences of things like that, all the more so since it was to a screen rather than a real person, which he probably never would have donne in a million yrs.

[plumandolive]

I just think lecturea about containing anger and appropriate expressions of frustration are over the top.
send him on an anger management course why don't you?

it'll give him a whole baggage of hang ups.

A short shock of - that is totally out of order,how dare you use language like that never do it again, ban for a week, over.