How do you decide your family is complete?

[flower68]

I'd really like some help with this. I am really blessed with two beautiful children a boy and a girl aged 20 months and 3. At the endof last year I discovered I was pregnant again and felt really panicked that we wouldn't be able to cope with another baby so soon, plus the financial strain as we are not especially well off. I had just decided that I would cope somehow when we discovered the baby had very serious abornmalities. We faced the horrible decision of having to end the pregnancy at 12 weeks.

I am starting to come to terms with the sadness of what has happened but part of me still desperately wants another baby even though the issues of how we would manage remain. I am over 40 so time is not on my side. I don't understand why I can't be happy with the two I've got - I do come from a big family so that's a factor. But has anyone else wrestled with the issue of when do you stop?

Thanks for any help you can offer.

[taffy101]

Firstly about what happened with your last pregnancy.

I have a boy and a girl and feel that I should be happy with that as they are wonderful and how could anyone wish for more than that. However, heart ruling the head, thinks there is still someone missing from the family!
Same as you, I don't think I could cope with another, but there is that biological urge I am fighting against. I keep telling myself never say never, and I wouldn't dream of asking DH to have the snip.
I short, yes, i am wrestling with the issue of when to stop!

I am sure that this is of no help to you, but at least you'll know you are not the only one!

[coastalmum]

I stopped when i ran out of room . Two adults and 4dc in a 3 bed victorian terrace is a squeeze, (#4 was a surprise that was quickly followed by a vasectomy).

IME suprise babies are much easier to get your head around, but deciding whether to have another one is just so complicated. I don't think most peoples finances look like they can handle another baby, but most muddle through.

I don't envy you, wish life came with a crystal ball, must be especially hard after your last pregnancy

Soory I can't think of anything constructive to say.

[NomDePlume]

I'm sorry for your loss, flower.

TBH, for me I suppose it would be one of 2 ways. Either I would have my final child and feel that we were complete, or we would make the decision for financial/lifestyle reasons.

I think our next child (not even on the distant horizon yet!) will be our last. It will be our 4th, any more than 4 would be difficult for us as a family as I'm not sure I could spread myself thinly enough for more than 4, time-wise. Also the car thing is a pain. We already have a 7 seater and I just don't want to go into the realms of the dreaded mini-bus ! Financially and space-wise would be fine, but for me it is time more than anything. Sometimes I feel as though there's not enough of me to go around the 3 we have now.

[cornishzulu]

Hi Flowers

Have you talked about it with partner? I found the mental health coordinator at our local surgery a wonderful resource for getting me through some tough times too. You sound like you need to talk about this...

Big hug

[cazboldy]

so sorry for your loss

I struggle with the finality of actually deciding iykwim.

I have 5 dc, and we won't have any more (I think) mainly for practical reasons i.e car and house, but I am only 26, so have quite a long stretch in front of me to not get pg. I do get a bit at the thought of never being pg again, and not giving birh again ( call me a weirdo - I know! ) although this isn't really an issue atm as my last lo is only 11 months, but I think this might be something I struggle with from time to time in the future.

I already have a full life, although I gave up work when pg with number 4, as we live on a farm, and we have horses etc, but am seriously thinking about re- training when my last little one goes to nursery, to make getting pg an "impossiblity" ifswim

[mustrunmore]

We stppoed at two because i just knew I couldnt cope with having 3 kids, we didnt have the room or the money either. I'm thinking that if you're not 100% sure you have enough kids, then you probably do want another to be satisfied. But then there's a danger of feeling that after every one! your last pg is very unfortunate, but you shouldnt't let it influence your decision in any way. But also make sure you dont think you want another just as a result of cominf to terms with the suprise one, and that feeling still exisiting in your head and needing completion somehow.

not sure if any of this is helpful Sorry!

[ingles2]

Flower
I know exactly how you feel, I lost twins quite late in pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant I was extremely shocked, panicked and upset as I was to going to have 4 boys under 5. When they died I felt so guilty.
This is about 4 years now and even though I have come to terms with their loss, I cannot shift the feeling that my family is not complete!
I think this is something we will always have to cope with, as we had started to prepare ourselves for a bigger family than we now have. I am so sorry for how you are feeling now, but my advice is to wait just a little longer, 6 months maybe and see how you feel then.
HTH's

[NomDePlume]

TBH, I think that no matter how many more babies you have, you will always feel that there is a gap in the family where the lost one/s should be. I think your issue of completion is tied into your grief and so is not the more general 'how do you know you've got enough kids' type question.

FWIW, I lost a daughter at 24wks pg several years ago now. I will always feel that there is a hole where she should've been. The hole has got smaller over the years but I think it is part of the grieving process. It certainly is for me.

[boomie]

Sorry about your loss Our decision to end at 2 was when the thought of another horrified us DH has just had a vasectomy.

[cazboldy]

I think you are probably right NomdePlume, after reading through again

[flower68]

Thanks so much for all your generous and honest answers. It does help me feel better that I am not alone - either in having lost a baby - or in "having eyes bigger than my plate" in relation to another one.