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Parenting

Feel awful guilt for DS that I'm pregnant

22 replies

jessikart · 21/02/2008 00:41

26 weeks pregnant with my second.... I hope to god it's just the hormones, but for the last few days all I can think of is how terrible I feel that DS will no longer be the only child. He's always been such an affectionate, loving toddler as he hasn't had to compete for our attention, and I just can't bear the idea of his personality changing because of something beyond his control. I think he understands up to a point that a baby is coming, but not how it'll affect day to day life.

Is it just the hormones making me like this? I keep feeling horrendous waves of guilt and bursting into tears at the thought that my happy little golden boy won't be number one anymore - excpet he still will be to me!

OP posts:

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winniethewino · 21/02/2008 00:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortAndLemon · 21/02/2008 00:46

Oh, I feel like that on and off all the time. I think it's entirely natural and hormones can't be helping. I take solace in the fact that almost all mothers of two or more say they felt like that at times but that in retrospect it all worked out fine and they were worrying about nothing.

Candlewax · 21/02/2008 00:47

I remember with a passion, how could I possible love two children as much as I loved my first born.

You wait, your ds will love it and you will reaise that it IS possible to have so much love inside of you for two.

Just think of when your baby is old enough to be ds's playmate. He won't think of it as an intrusion at all, he will go with the flow. And remember, when baby is sleeping, there is always time then for special time with your ds.

S1ur · 21/02/2008 00:55

It is different. your ds will certainly not get all the adult attention and will not be the sole focus of the adult world and have to meet all those high, incredibly high, expectations of being the one and only in an adult world.

This is good. good good good.

I felt like this. and worried and worried and felt guilty.

But I am indescribly thankful that my dd has a sibling. it is simply the best gift I could ever give her. Her brother will be there in ways we never could.

She has become an 'us' and she revels in it. she has become a clown and is so loving. having a sibling allows you to play, fight and belong in a way that is impossible to achieve between an adult and a sibling.

It is hard. But it will pay off. I promise you.

S1ur · 21/02/2008 01:00

indescribably I think!

Seriously though.

Tonight my dd cried so my ds (18m) toddled over and kissed her better.

Earlier my ds was sad so my dd jumped about like a loon to make him laugh. He did. Before she was always describe by strangers as "solemn" ( they know shit!)

My heart burst. yours will too.

purpleduck · 21/02/2008 01:12

Oh, I remember that!

DS was 2.3 when dd was born, and I beat myself up, worrying that he would change for the worse when dd came along.

We spent most of my pregnancy saying to ds about the bump "this is mummy's baby, daddy's baby, and ds's baby"

He really loved her when she was born, and has never seemed jealous. I must admit though that I didn't really try to get dd into a schedule at first as she would sleep so much during the day, it gave me alot of time with ds.

He loves her (they are 6 and 8 now), and I see their relationship as incredibly important.

DD loves him too, but I suspect she would swap him for a baby sister in a heartbeat!!

MrsTittleMouse · 21/02/2008 08:09

My Mum went through that when she had her children, and is now going through the same thing now that I'm pregnant again and she'll (hopefully) have two grandchildren! It worked out really well for her though, and she was worrying about nothing (so I'm hoping that she's worrying for nothing this time too).

NorthernLurker · 21/02/2008 08:21

I had a real panic about this the nigt after my second child was born. Baby slept - I couldn't! The next morning I went to get our then toddler up - she stood up in her cot and with an expression of such exciteemnt said 'go find baby' and toddled off to look for her sister. Now there are three of them and it is quite plain to me that siblings are a wonderful gift - don't worry - it's your hormones!!

ruty · 21/02/2008 08:31

well my ds will be 3 and a half when the next baby is born, so the shock may be even greater! But we have included him in the whole process, going to scans, listening to the heart beat, talking about clothes and toys, and he is excited and thinks of the baby as 'his'. It may help that he's a bit older, I don't know, [I'm sure it won't stop him attempting to give her a whack on the head now and then!] but I like to see the new baby as a bonus for him, especially when they get older and parents become the enemy.

dippydeedoo · 21/02/2008 08:37

awww hunny we all feel like that .....but as soon as that new baby is here he will cope and your heart seems to grow with the delivery -you still have your first baby love capacity and more besides along with a huge section of heart available for baby 2-its cos its all unknown and you know babies arent returnable ,dont worry its just worry hormones and youll be fine-what better gift can u give your family? but even more family!! i have 3 and honestly thought my heart and love capacity was all apportioned out then ds3 came and whoosh a lot more love came ,(((hugs for u))) xx

dippydeedoo · 21/02/2008 08:39

when ds3 was small he actually said to ds2'why are u always here?' ds2 said'i live here'.....ds3 said 'why do u call my mummy mummy?' ds1 clearly losing patience replied'she was my mum first'to which ds3 summarised ...'theres 3 of us???'

babyinarms · 21/02/2008 10:38

I remember it well...probably is hormones and fear of unknown territory again. Rest assured my DD is 5 months now and my Ds is 3.3 years. He had a bit of adjustment initially...we all did...but now he loves her so much.
She is the first thing he looks for in the morning..it used to be his teddy, so all is happy.
He will still be your golden boy but this one will too

thequietone · 21/02/2008 10:43

I'm also taking great consolation in this post as I adore my DS and a. can't imagine loving anything as much b. wondering how this is going to affect him.
I am very happy and very sad right now too.

babyinarms · 21/02/2008 10:54

You will love this one as much, believe me.
You will different things about each of them, thats what makes it exciting and interesting

CountTo10 · 21/02/2008 10:56

jessikart I felt like that in the latter stages of my recent pg. I felt really worried about how ds1 would feel about a new baby in the house and whether he'd feel we were trying to replce him. He stareted to favour dp over me in the last month and misbehave quite a bit. It was als difficult as I was quite big I couldn't do all the things ds1 wanted me to do. I now have a 3wk old ds2 and a ds1 who is back to best behaviour and adores his little bro but also likes having cuddles with me again. He's 3.4 and loves heloping me change nappies and do ds2's bath etc. I find as long as I explain what I'm doing with ds2 it helps plus I make sure that ds1 can also have plenty of cuddles and lots of praise etc. It is a big change for them but they actually handle it a lot better than you;d think.

Anna8888 · 21/02/2008 10:56

Please don't worry about this.

It is lovely for children to have brothers and sisters. My daughter is my only child, but she has two stepbrothers whom she worships - she would much prefer them to live with us all the time.

cory · 21/02/2008 11:51

Dd is standing next to me and I asked her what it meant to her having been landed with a younger brother (3.5 yr age gap) when she could have been an only child and have had all our attention.

'Well, it would have been different', she said. 'He is funny and we do things together that I couldn't do with you. Giggling and playing. You are adults, you're not fun in the same way. Like last night when he cheated at Scrabble and made us collapse with laughing, you wouldn't have done that.'

She admitted that there are times when she wishes he had never born, but the good times are more important. She also mentioned that they look out for each other and make each other feel safe (I used to find them snuggled up together in bed when they were little).

soph28 · 21/02/2008 11:59

I agree, it is one of the best gifts you can give your ds.

This is a conversation my DS 2y11m and DD 19mo had in the car yesterday

DS- 'Chloe I love you SO much'
DD- 'eh?'
DS- 'I love you SO much'
DD- 'me'
DS- 'Yes, I love you so much'

Very sweet. You have nothing to worry about.

smallwhitecat · 21/02/2008 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gipfeli · 21/02/2008 12:19

ds (the eldest) told me the other day that he was sad because when he was born he only had Mama and Papa to play with whereas when his little sister was born she had him as well. He definitely sees have a sister as way better than just having his parents.

He also then proceeded to tell me that we had to have another baby so that dd could have a baby sister too. I think not!

jessikart · 21/02/2008 22:25

Thanks everyone! I never wanted DS to be an only child, but didn't expect to feel like this

Thank goodness for mumsnet - I wouldn't have dared post this on any other parenting forum for fear of the flaming I would have received!

OP posts:

seeker · 21/02/2008 22:37

I've got a bigger age gap. When I was just pregnant with ds and hadn't told dd yet, she came out of school crying. She wouldn't say why at first, but in the end she told us it was because they had had class photos that day and she was the only one without a sibling to have her picture taken with. It was lovely to be able to tell her that next year she would! They are 12 and 7 now and still adore each other. It's wonderful to see them interract and to see the realy love between them. It'll be fine.

(and dd still has that first school photo with her and her baby brother on her wall 7 years later!)

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