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Parenting

Feel like a dreadful dreadful oerson, what can I do?

20 replies

Justtwosecondspoppet · 10/02/2008 22:07

My mum (who was a single parent from me being two and I was her only child) is my best friend, but is over 200 miles away and very very ill, i.e. has weeks to live. I am an sp to a nearly 4 y/o who is an angel-she hasn't always been, but her behavior now is great - she generally does what I ask, behaves beautifully in new places (unless it's the dining hall at uni!) and is generally a joy to be around, but I keep finding myself really not wanting to be around her a lot of the time. I am doing a VERY intensive degree which has me up all night (literally) at least two nights a week and I am still very behind, we travel over 500 miles most weekends to visit mum just in case she goes during the week, and I am struggling to cope, but it is all coming out on dd-I blow up over the smallest stupidest things, like her refusing to use the toilet, but insisting on me going up to the bathroom, bringing the potty down, and then trekking it back up to the bathroom to sloosh it out when she's finished-she's 4, she will use the toilet anywhere else, why not here? Am I depressed? I keep fantasising about not having her around any more, but REALLY hate myself for it. I don't feel like that all the time, mainly at the weekends.

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hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 22:09

Oh, sweetheart - you've got a hell of a lot on your plate

Does your DD go to school yet? Can you give yourself a night "off" during the week? Might make you more productive on the nights you concentrate on your university work if you've had a break?

CarGirl · 10/02/2008 22:12

Can you arrange to take a break from your degree due to the circumstances? I think your dd is being deifficult because of what is going on - you stress/worry and sadness about your mum etc.

Justtwosecondspoppet · 10/02/2008 22:23

Dd goes to nursery, and during the week I love being with her, we do a "special thing" every day, for example I will take her bike in and she will cycle home (well, I think we all know what "cycle home" means-he he! And I seem to have endless patience, but at the weekends it's like I have some kind of personality change or something. I was a SAHM for 3 1/2 years, so it's not that I can't cope with her all day, I just feel so sad for her. I can't postpone my degree as we live in a uni house and she would lose her nursery place as I get 75% paid for, and it benefits us both her going. She loves mum as much as I do as we used to live just down the road from her from me having dd to 9 months ago, and so keeps asking her to "Have a sleep-over party at your old house Nana!" (i.e. Mum's house, as the hospital is her new house!!) You are lovely ladies on here, thank you so much for not calling me a baddie mum. Will my snipes and shouts scar her emotionally?

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hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 22:27

If you don't curb them, yes, maybe.

OK, so you can do it in the week and you get a break - so why is the weekend different? Are you more tired? Eating erratically? How's your diet in general atm? Do you take a vitamin supplement? Have PMT?

Can you pretend you're being filmed for a TV show if you start to feel angry with her at the weekend? Or if you start to feel cross, grab her for a cuddle?

imaginaryfriend · 10/02/2008 22:32

I can see what you mean. It's because you've got so much on your mind at the moment. Being a mum means being so many things and you probably have enough resources to do it after nursery but for a whole day of hours in a row it's daunting. I've felt similarly when I've had a lot on my mind.

can you try to do things at the weekend which allow you breathing space? Meet up with friends with kids? Go to the cinema?

Don't be too hard on yourself. You sound lovely with your 'special thing' idea for each day.

Acinonyx · 10/02/2008 22:33

Hello, yes it's me! I think you do an amazing job and you are under tremendous stress and strain. I absolutely couldn't live our life without going bonkers - I need more support and more time out than you have.

If you are depressed then it can hardly be surprising. I also wonder if her problems are a reflection of the general stress in your lives - problems with the toilet are typical of that.

What do you think would make the biggest difference to your stress levels right now? (Leaving aside your mum.) Time in general? Will email further.

WideWebWitch · 10/02/2008 22:33

Poor you. I BET you won't lose your place in the house and nursery if you tell them what is going on. No wonder you're finding it tough, all of it together is a lot to deal with. I think putting degree on hold for the moment is a good idea. Your poor dd, she is prob reacting to how you feel and also she's 4, so these kind of behaviours are normal, as is finding them frustrating. My 4yo dd fell asleep on the sofa tonight as I was reading her brother a story upstairs as she was ADAMANT that she didn't wanst it upstairs. It can be a bit tring under normal circs but given what you're dealing with no wonder it's hard for you atm. Do whatever it takes to get through it. My dad died when ds was 3 btw and he got away with murder for a while while I was grieving. And remember to be kind to yourself too.

GrinningSoul · 10/02/2008 22:35

This is such a tough time for you. It's not surprising you are feeling like this. It sounds as though you are doing amazingly but if you can put your studies on hold for a while it would probably help you cope with everything going on.

Justtwosecondspoppet · 10/02/2008 22:35

I am exhausted by the weekend-that is a reason. The sniping has been for the past two weeks, clever strategy with tv filming and cuddles-I just want to spend good quality time with her, and we end up having to go to the hospital, drop her off to see her dad for access, come back at 11pm on the Sunday, and she's back at nursery. We had our first weekend at home since December this weekend and I went entirely to pieces-I couldn't bear to get out of bed, but it was our first chance at quality time-we had planned to go to the park yesterday and didn't get there until 4pm, and then today went to a friend's for lunch so she played with their dd, so I feel like I have wasted our one weekend together.

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WideWebWitch · 10/02/2008 22:36

No wonder you're exhausted. 500 miles + grief + uni + studying and not sleeping enough + 4yo = knackering.

WideWebWitch · 10/02/2008 22:38

Can you find some things to do with her that you both like and aren't too tiring for you? eg I like reading books to dd and I like watching films with her and cookng and stuff but I can't stand playing with dollies and stuff so I try to do more of the stuff I like and less other stuff. I really think you should talk to someone at your uni and ask if there's some dispensation. Bet there is.

WideWebWitch · 10/02/2008 22:39

And I DETEST the park so I just don't go. (I have done my time in parks with ds and dh takes dd sometimes but it suddenly occurred to me a while ago that I don't HAVE to do it!)

Justtwosecondspoppet · 10/02/2008 22:40

He he Acinonyx, how do you always find me!! After a name change and everything!! The "wasted weekend" thing sounds bad reading it back, today wasn't wasted-I relaxed a lot more and dd had fun, but I haven't one-on-one'd with her as planned IYSWIM xx

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lucyellensmum · 10/02/2008 22:43

You really do have alot to cope with here.

What year of your degree are you in? You should speak to your personal tutor and tell them everything that is going on. You are not giving yourself the best chance if you don't. In the short term you can juggle deadlines, but it may well be worth intermitting the year, while you deal with your mum. Talk to your tutor, they are likely to be sympathetic and helpfull over accomodation etc. You are still under the health visitor until your DD is five, maybe have a chat to her as a route to getting some support.

Don't beat yourself up over this, your DD loves you and knows you love her. She is probably acting up because she knows something is wrong regarding your mum and this is how she copes, the degreee pressure is everyday stuff and she probably copes just fine with that - but you need to give youserlf a break, you are not superwoman, you need to get yourself some support.

If you dont do anything else, please talk to your tutor and let them know what is going on. I had similar problems when i was writing up my PhD and they bent over backwards to help me out, but you must let them know what the problem is and stop battling with it all alone.

Best wishes
xxx

Acinonyx · 10/02/2008 22:43

One-on-one for 48 hours is a bit draining for most people - think quality not quantity. I, frankly, can rarely go cheerfully a whole day with my own dd unless I go somewhere we BOTH like to go (ie not just the park) or have company for a few hours. A good hour or two doing something together is enough - you don't have to be cojoined alone together 24/7 to get your quoto of quality time.

Justtwosecondspoppet · 10/02/2008 22:45

Parks don't bother me as much-it's the cooking that kills me! Even with the dishwasher! I'm cheering up like mad, thank you all so much! We always have a Friday night film fest, which usually includes all the disgusting delictibles that the mung bean brigade would crucify me for, but it is so fun! She lets me know if she doesn't like my tone or the words I have used, and I always always apologise, no matter what, but it's still no excuse. I tend to go and cleanse if I get too stressed!!

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lucyellensmum · 10/02/2008 22:46

cross posted with you - it doesnt sound like a wasted weekend to me. Sounds just lovely,so what that you didnt get to the parm til four, you got there, and i bet she loved playing with her friend.

All this pressure to be perfect in everything is the bloody scourge of modern parenting! You dont have to have perfect one on one time, i bet if you ask DD how her weekend was she will tell you it was just fine

hunkermunker · 10/02/2008 22:47

You can have one-on-one doing things where you can doze though. Eg one-on-one watching a film under a duvet on the sofa - she watches, you cuddle her and doze.

GrinningSoul · 10/02/2008 22:47

i was v concerned, as you are, that my dcs were suffering during and after my mum's last illness, as i was distracted and depressed and irrational... i couldn't quite see how bad i was until i felt better. At least you are aware and working on keeping on top of things. But anyway, i just wanted to say that 3 years later they are absolutely fine (ahem, as fine as a feisty 4 and 8 yo can be...). As long as your dd knows you thorougly love her even when you are tired/stressed she'll come through this fine!

Justtwosecondspoppet · 10/02/2008 22:54

Oh you are all so lovely, thank you, I really really do feel better. She's very into hi-fiving at the moment, so we hi-five every time we do a good thing together, e.g. getting to the park before it was dark, finishing off dinner, eating the last of the ice-cream (ahem!), cycling to where ever we are going without falling off!!! Thank you all for your advice and thank you grinningsoul for going through the same thing (that sounds wrong and weird!). My DoS knows (my tutor) as does the chaplain and two of my four supervisors, but I feel like I'm crying wolf work-wise, so I have just said she's poorly. Saying that, I have a one-to-one supervision tomorrow and I've done nothing (silly old internet!!) so better get something done before the small hours set in!!!! You are wonderful mummies xxx

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