Does anyone ever feel like theyre picking on their children?

[mumzyof2]

Have posted this in Chat, but didnt get much response.
You may have read that Im having a few problems with ds at the minute - midnight fits, not staying in bed, shouting, ignoring me, throwing things at our animals, but the more I keep telling him off, telling him what he should and shouldnt be doing, telling him that something hes done is wrong, I start to feel as though Im picking on him.
Dp assures me were not, but I just seem to be going on at him all the time, and telling him off. I feel as though Im damaging him by going on and on, but I cant just ignore him when hes chucking lunch boxes at my puppy, or coming downstairs all night when hes meant to be in bed, or competely ignoring ANYTHING I say to him.
Am I the only one that has ever felt as though YOURE the bad guy? And that Im picking on him?

[chipkid]

how old is your ds?

[mumzyof2]

Hes 3.1.

[magHOOVERlia74]

Yep, dt1 aged 8 is one of twins and constantly behaving badly I feel like I'm picking on her especially as compared to her her twin is so well behaved But it's impossible to ignore the bad behaviour just to avoid telling them off

[foxinsocks]

I think it's very easy to get into that cycle where you feel you're doing nothing but telling them off. I know we went through a similar phase with ds at that age when he was so bad, I was absolutely convinced that he had some serious emotional problems (he just never stopped screaming, crying, tantrumming etc.).

Have you tried to do the praise the positive thing?

It takes a bit of an effort - basically, look for anything ANYTHING he does that is good, or even not bad and really praise him. Wonderful boy, brilliant boy that sort of thing. Try that for a few days without resorting to screeching at him for the bad stuff and see what happens.

[oops]

Message withdrawn

[mumzyof2]

We do praise him for everything, we almost threw a party for him last night when he ate all his tea! He gets praised all the time, and were constantly hugging him and saying we love him. He tells us he loves us every hour, bless him. Were very loving like that. But it doesnt seem to make any difference to his behaviour.

[foxinsocks]

how often is he getting up? Might a lot of it be tiredness?

[mumzyof2]

Before hes actually asleep? It can be anything up to 10 times, just playing around on the stairs. He gets up a couple of times in the night, the midnight screaming seems to have stopped, but 99% of the time, he gets 10-12 hours sleep a night.

[ibblewob]

TBH, I think you just need to grit your teeth - it sounds like it's a phase where your DS is strongly testing your boundaries. Definitely praise him as much as you can, but don't get to the point where you know you are letting him get away with things on purpose just to avoid more confrontation.

Kids NEED the authority of their parents, they need their parents to show them what acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour is, no matter how hard it is for us (and it is really hard - I HATE telling my DS off). But the world will be a much scarier place for your DC if he doesn't know where the limits are.

[foxinsocks]

Have you looked at his diet?

ds went through a phase of dreadful nighttime screaming at around that age and it was all to do with eating cheese at teatime. When I cut out the cheese and started giving him fish oils, it stopped. It may have been coincidence though (and both mine have had issues with allergies etc. so are quite sensitive with food).

I think 3 is a hard age. It's quite a frustrating age for the child - not quite old enough to communicate their needs properly but over the 2s when everyone expects you to behave badly.

I think you're doing fine and the testing boundaries thing sounds about right.

[foxinsocks]

(and pick your battles)

also, is his hearing ok?

[soph28]

my nearly 3 year old winds me up all day and he's not even that bad. He's just suddenly got about 10times more energy than he's ever had before and he jumps and bounces and dances and wriggles constantly. If he can't use all his energy up it comes out in 'roaring' (like a lion), or over enthusaiastic affection which is more like aggression. As I have an 18mth old as well, one or the other is constantly being hurt because of the constant rough and tumble and I feel like I'm always saying things like, 'stop that', 'leave each other alone', 'calm down' etc.

[ibblewob]

Totally agree about 'pick your battles' - and you have to differentiate between your DC being defiant/disobediant, or just plain childish.

For eg - my DS often starts banging the table really loudly with his cutlery. I can't stand it, but I know he's only doing it because he's two, not to wind me up on purpose. But I've learned that instead of saying "don't do that", which turns it into disobedience if he then refuses to stop, I ask him if he's finished his food. If he says "no", I say, well, only kids who are finished bang their spoons on the table, and make to take the food away. That seems to be quite effective. Obviously if he says he is finished then everything goes, including the spoon - problem also solved!

Hope that makes sense.

[Sugarmagnolia]

I agree that it sounds like a phase. Possibly testing boundaries but also could be a physical thing. I don't know if anyone has any evidence of this but I swear my DS (now 4.5) seems to go through phases where he gets what I can only think of as a testosterone surge. He is very loving and affectionate and usually quite well behaved, likes to quietly and look at books just as much as he likes a bit of rough and tumble. But I'm convinced he goes through periods where he suddenly just has to be more wild, more explosive, more cheeky, less well behaved - like something hardwired into his brain! During one of these phases he ran around for weeks with a foam sword telling us he was going to 'chop our heads off at the neck'! During another he was just constantly jumping on or off stuff and not listening to word I said.

It's a really fine line between setting limits and not letting it get to me. The more i let it wind me up the worse it gets but I obviously can't completely ignore it either.

If you think he's getting enough sleep at night can you completely ignore the getting out of bed thing? Like simply pretend not to take the slightest bit of notice? What time does he go to bed/wake up?

[kindersurprise]

Sounds like it really hard going for you at the moment. We have been through similar phases where I felt that I was just nagging the whole time.

I am doing a parenting class at the moment and we talked about this last night.

For instance, you tell DD to brush teeth. DD goes into bathroom, comes out 10 seconds later and you say, "you can't have brushed your teeth so quickly" She insists she has, you go in, "well, why is your toothbrush dry then?" Then instead of stopping there, you continue:

"Always the same, you never brush your teeth, I have to tell you everything 10 times, it takes you ages to get ready for bed..." and on and on.

The teacher said to imagine if you did something wrong at work and your boss reacted like that:

"You made the same mistake last week, that is just ridiculous, always the same with you, last week you forgot to pass on a message..."

We would be mortified, angry and resentful if all our past mistakes were dragged out again, but we do the same with our children.

It really made me think.

The suggestion from the teacher was, when the child has done something they should not have, to first ask WHAT have you done, then ask, WHAT NOW? No more, no recriminations, no bringing up past mistakes, just "Ok, that was not ok, what shall we do now to make up for it?"

I do think that we talk so much to our children that the blend us out and do nto listen anymore.

[mumzyof2]

Thanks everyone, its all really helpful, esp KS, as I do that - going on and on etc. I think I just have to sit it out, and if
I feel like Im going to start shouting at him, walk away, and think of another way to deal with it. Dp is being really great at the minute, but its wearing him down too.
But, for example, ds is eing really good today, hes just trashing playing in his room.