Disappointed in Grandparents

[shala]

Hi, this is my first time here! I've got 2 boys aged 14 mths and 5 yrs I'm really gutted about the lack of help I've received from Gparents. My mum lives 2 hours away and is always saying she will come down to see us (she has a holiday flat here!), but she never ends up coming - is either too busy or on holiday. My P's in law live 5 mins away and have my 5 yr old after school for tea once a week (ie, an hour or so).
I know they're my children and I have no right to expect any help, but I'm so knackered, keep getting ill and would love a break,even if just a couple of hours. DH works full time, but he is great when here.
I love my children, but bloody hell it's knackering and I feel really let down that the Gparents don't willingly help. This is made worse by the fact that EVERYONE else I know has tons of help from very willing Gparents.
Am I alone in feeling resentful? Want to be a good person but am feeling increasingly bitter!!!

[ManchesterMummy]

No, you're not alone (and hello, btw!)

My parents live 5 minutes away and although I see them a lot, they won't help. My DD is 17 weeks old and the most help I've had is an apple slice and a bag of cotton wool when she was 3 weeks old (apple slice was for me). The won't babysit unless we go to theirs - don't fancy the idea of taken a sleeping baby home etc - so they never have done. They say our house is too cold, so they don't like it here. My mum had lots of help from her mum (who flew 3,000 miles to help!) with me and won't even watch DD while I take 45 mins to get my hair trimmed.

FIL lives 150 miles away and is PITA. MIL lives 20 minutes away and has been offering to help since before DD was conceived. We've taken her up on the offer - hoping to go out for a Valentine's meal - but she's on the verge of chickening out. DD is an easy baby and in the 2 hours we'd be gone
probably wouldn't even need a nappy change.

sorry, rambling.

Maybe they're nervous of interferring? Or being seen to interfere? I think that is the case with my MIL. (my own parents are just downright selfish!)

[Poppychick]

Mine are the same!! The other week I began to get very down about the whole situation feeling totally taken for granted and let down. I don't know what to say but you're not alone. I get the impression that my parents think they do lots for us but they don't. I always have to ask if I want them to have the children and when I do they won't give a definate answer - very useful. Even if I'm ill and alone they don't step in. I'm upset writing this down but have decided that I can either tell them or put up with it. The latter is what I'll do, can't face confrontation and don't want to beg for their crumbs. I have withdrawn though and won't be including them as much any more. Mine live literally 3 doors away from us.

[donbean]

dont get me started!
its like my ds is nothing to do with any of them,
my parents...not inerested, in laws, cant be arsed.
its very upsetting. but i just get on with it without them.
weeks and weeks can go y with not a phone call from any of them. dh takes them every now and again but they never offer or ask to have him.
we offered to pay for the inlaws to take our ds to the cinema one sat but they said no cos footy was on telly.

[juuule]

Do you think the grandparents are enjoying their own freedom after years of bringing up their own children, perhaps?

[donbean]

yes thats true and absolutely understandable. But to show no interest is sad.
not even to ring up and ask how dc is...

[juuule]

Perhaps they assume all is well unless you phoned to inform them otherwise. If you go weeks and weeks without a phone call maybe they think that you are not bothered about them.

[lennygrrl]

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[neighbour]

You know, this used to rile me no end, but I've accepted it.

One set (Dutch) grandparents could not give a damn. Other set (Greek-American) grandparents would gladly spend every second with my kids. Unfortunately the latter grandparents (my parents) live 3000 miles away.

I believe it's partly a cultural thing, and in the UK (I've observed) there's a big variety of involvmentimpossible to generalizebut i've noticed a tendancy towards the LESS involved end of the spectrum (compared, say, with my own grandparents who were all from Greece.)

Alsoas someone once pointed out to me (and this was a revelation)grandparents these days are older than they were in previous generations, and they simply don't have the energy/health to get as involved as, say, our own grandparents did.

So i'm more forgiving than I used to be.

And I've become (I'm afraid) less involved with my in-laws as a result of their lack of interest in my children. And thisin its own wayis a good thing, because they themselved don't expect/require anything of me. . .which makes me understand their mentality better.

[lennygrrl]

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[lennygrrl]

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[toratora]

Totally understand, my in laws love having my 2 dd's when they do eventually have them, but still make me feel as if I have failed as a mother if I ask for a afternoon off or a couple of hours so I can ride my horse. Having said that she is having both girls after school and nursery tomorrow so I can spend the day at a spa

A lot of in laws seem to be younger and so have their own lives to live, I know that ours have a better social life than us - as lennygrrl said the werthers original versions are few and far between! I have spent the past year finding babysitters from our local village and now have 3 lovely girls that I can call on to help out if I need to.

[Sandiesx]

On the other end of the spectrum, I am a grandmother who has her grandchild full time. His mother can't be arsed and hasn't seen her beautiful boy in over 12 months. It was an excellent decision to take him and I do not regret it for a second.
My mum babysat once - eldest is 21!! It is not a personal comment upon my parenting but she is very uncomfortable around small babies and then it was too late and she couldn't be arsed. Have noticed a family pattern here....

[shala]

Yesterday I actually did tell my mum that I was upset she didn't give me any help. I have never fallen out with her before, so this was quite a scary thing for me. I don't think she even realised she wasn't helping. She's always going on about how she will come and help, without actually doing it, I think she had deluded herself into thinking that 'talking about it' was the same as 'doing it' !!
She's agreed to come round on the Wednesday of half-term if she can cancel her dental appointment - well it's a start at least. Still feel pissed off though - want her to WANT to help, without having to ask.
I was so independent before having kids, feel like a bit of a loser having to ask for help, ho hum.

[babyinarms]

I have the same problem with my inlaws. They do love my DCs but make no effort whatsoever to see them.
We live only 20 mins away by car and we generally only see them once a month, if even, and that is when we visit. I am blue in the face from inviting them down but they never do....its infuriating somtimes!!!!!!!!!!
They never even phone to see how kids are, we have to phone them!!!!!!!!!
sorry for rant but soooooooo

[bubblepop]

hi,you are not alone in feeling a little resentful.ive got 4 children and don't get much help attall compared to some of my friends.dh and me rarely go out,if i take ill my mum keeps away incase she catches it.! my dad has cleared off out of the country, my inlaws are too busy with their social life and are'nt really interested.

its took me a while to just accept that this is how it is and that i just have to get on with it.ive talked to my mum about it, the bottom line is that she "has done all that" and that she finds it "boring".

[beachlover]

bp, your own mum said she finds it boring ! how fucking rude

hope you told her, you find her boring

what a cow grrr

[mcfee]

MIL sounds as though she would like to although nervous, keep mentioning it to her as though you have no idea she might chicken out, tell her the table is booked etc and 'make' her do it then I bet she'll think its fine and you'll be sorted.
With your own parents, your only hope is that they get jealous of your MIL and start to take more interest.

[beth13]

Am so glad I found this thread !
My mum is brilliant and has never refused to babysit, although I do feel bad for asking her, I know she really enjoys it. But I don't like to ask too often. She lives about 7 miles away and doesn't drive so I always pay for the cab home or she stays over.
However, MIL is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Shows very little interest and just suggests that we ask for help from my mum on the ocassions when my o/h has had a go at her about her lack of interest.
Have learnt not to let it get to me but I do find it hurtful, especially as she has another one of her grandchildren at least once a week.

[PetitFilou1]

Not everyone has tons of help if that helps (probably not!) My mum is high flying career woman and has been to our house oh about 3 times in 2.5 years - and would never dream of staying the night. My dad lives in Cambridge (we are in London) and only comes over if over here anyway for something else. MIL lives in S Wales and tbh she's a bit of a pain so I wouldn't really want her around but when she is she doesn't actually engage with the children much except the odd bit of reading with them. FIL is 30 mins away but we tend to see him for swimming on Sunday followed by lunch but not much more than that. So you are not alone. I am now just used to the fact that help is not on offer and have had to get used to it.

[Klaw]

dp's folks live down south so can't babysit or anything

mum lives 30 mins away but is feeling her age and just won't . She also has my sis living with her but she's not that well and so although I'd hoped that the pair of them would try to cope with dd I've had to accept that I've no chance of having help.

Fortunately, ds is now 14.5 and has been able to babysit on odd occasions. They adore each other and ds is very good and responsible with her.

I admit to being very envious of parents who have gp being very involved in the childrens' lives....

[chocolatemummy]

I have had the same experience. I moved up from the South back to the Midlands for various reasons but one BIG reason was help!
I just have one ddd age 4 and must say my mum is not that happy to help out, often reminds me that she had done her child rearing etc etc. She babysits for us about one evening every other month, but she has my daughter one day a week, and even though its just one day, I work full time so have to pay for the other four and this one day saves me £38 per week so I don't complain.

Until a year ago we lived down south about 15 miles from my Inlaws who never bothered really, they used to shower her with gifts and crap but never actually came to see her, never took her to the beach or the park on a sat/sun afternoon too busy shopping, playing golf, going to keep fit etc etc.
Think they babysat about 5 times in three years, rubbish and they knew we had absolutely no other family around which used to wind me up sometimes.

[sweetkitty]

Unfortunately I feel the same, my Mother lives an hour away sees the DC about once every 2-3 months maybe less than this (last year she never saw them of 4 1/2 months) she is contect to phone up and hear them in the background as then she knows they are doing well she is too lazy to get on a train and visit and even when she does visit her involvement is sit of the sofa have tea and lunch made and watch them play. Even when I was in the last weeks of pregnancy with DD2 and in agony with SPD and had an 18 month old to look after. I have got to the stage now I don't bother with her, don't even phone her, she phones me once a week to prattle on about my bother or the weather.

MIL is also next to useless although she had made it up on the train a few times now but again wouldn't offer to look after them for an hour.

I said this on another thread last night but you cannot help get bitter when you see friends whose family take an active role with their DC, by looking after them a day a week to allow them to go to work or overnight to allow them a night out.

[Overrun]

You are not alone. I think our generation of parents (if that makes sense) are not so keen as their parents were to help out with grandchildren. They are baby boomers, and want to do lunch with friends, go to theatre, on holiday etc. Whilst I think to myself fair enough, why should they tie themselves down to child care again like their parents did, I also think well they got help with us, surely it should be a cylical thing

[NatalieJane]

I could have written the OP, except MIL is 40 minutes away and has looked after DS1 twice, and we have had to pay her to do that, and one of those times was when I was in hospital having DS2, and my mum is 200 miles away who would help out any time (and she does with my sister) but when we go to visit (maybe 3-4 times a year) we go to see her not go out on the piss, so we have very occasionally gone out whilst down there but I can count on one hand the number of times we have gone out as a couple with out the kids since DS1 was born.

C'est le vie, as they say