Hi
a bit of a cat amongst the pigeons here. I was breastfeeding on demand, had no routine and was being treated as a human dummy all night (up every hour and a half)...and my daughter wasn't so interested in food during the day as she was eating all night. And I couldn't get her back to sleep sometimes even if I did bf.
I eventually got heartily sick of it all, and got her into a routine, something I swore I'd never impose. But then I thought about it,and I like breakfast, lunch and dinner at round about the same time, and I like to know when I'm going to bed and getting up, so I started to have very structured days. I found the book the BabyWhisperer really useful t help with this. Its a very gentle routine option.
Then I had to deal with the fact she wasn't hungry in the day cos she was bf all night and it wasn't giving her enough nutrition so she was skinny.
So I gave her bottles at night, then started watering down the formula.
then when the formula was pretty much water and she started eating more in the day I felt confident she wasn't waking up cos she was hungry (although maybe a mite peckish) I started controlled crying. Something else I swore blind I'd never do. But actually it was fine. I lay her down in her cot and held her on her side reasonably firmly so she couldn't jump up, but still gently, and stroked her hair till she was calm and when she was nodding off stopped and left the room. She would then cry, I'd leave her for 10 - 15, then I'd go back and repeat the performance. each time I left the room the cries got less and less, and she knew I was coming back, but as it wasn't immediately she eventually accepted being on her own to drift back to sleep.
First night this went on for 4 hours, then the next 3, then 1.5, then 45 mins, now she sleeps all night, every now and then waking at 5.30, but regularly 12 sometimes even 13 straight through. Its like she's making up for all he sleep she missed!
She's a great eater now, and she also loves her cot. She was a bit ill the other day and I tried to bring her into bed with me. She kept pointing at the door, and I took her back to her room where she pointed at the cot, and sighed with satisfaction when I put her down.
So, my advice is that a flexible routine is good - you both know where you are.
You have to make sure she is reasonably hungry when you offer her food, so leave gaps between the bf and the solids, which a routine can help with.
And some babies almost need to be taught to sleep. Gradual retreat (as I'm informed what I did is called) is not the same as leaving a baby to scream alone in a room for hours.
If unstructured days and bf on demand works for you, its great, but it sounds like its not working. Imposing a bit of a routine doesn't mean you can't do attachment parenting, and doesn't mean you're a bad mother. In fact in someways you are being a very concerned parent as it is giving her what she seems to need. I think routine for reasons we probably can't mention has had quite a bad press but I think its great, and your daughter is old enough not to need to be bf continuously.
Of course, if you try this and it doesn't work, thats still OK - you need to keep experimenting.
Another thing you said, about not going to the NCT. I felt the same! My DD was by far the worst sleeper, and sometimes wouldn't even let me sit down to eat - I'd go to meet friends and I'd have to stand the whole time and eat one handed. And there were all these babies chilling in their prams while their mums had cakes, and then me standing...
I actually started to avoid people whose babies slept - I hated them! and I felt like such a failure.
I still hate them - they didn't suffer enough! but now I don't feel like a failure, although I felt terribly guilty while I was doing the controlled crying, or gradual retreat or whatever its called. I wish I'd had somebody say - its OK, it works, and for both your sake you need to do it.
So I'm saying that to you - give it a go, but do everthing gradually and with love, then you don't need to feel any guilt
Hope it goes well