helping a shy child

[deckchair]

this is my 1st post, although have been regular visitor to the site for some time.
This has probably been done numerous times before but i need some help.
My dd is 2.5 and is a shy child (i hate the term btw)
On Saturday i took her to a party, she didnt know anyone or the venue etc and spent a lot of the party crying. She wouldnt go on any of the equipment if anyone else was on it and cried and got off if anyone came onto anything she was using. I got a lump in my throat as i used to be shy as a child and knew how she felt. I wanted to sweep her up, but know that probably wont help in the long term.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how i can help her or recommend a book which they have found useful.

Incidentally, she doesnt go to nursery anymore as i am on mat leave after having ds.
It took her some time to adjust going to nursery and would often cry when i left her and they told me she wouldnt often join in with the other children.
Also, i am getting pretty hacked off with people saying "is she shy" - anyone any suggestions what kind of response i can give that indicates their questioning isnt helping my DD, just giving her a complex.

[slng]

deckchair - ds1 is quite a "shy" child as well. I haven't got anything sussed yet, and I don't think he is quite as reserved as your dd, but FWIW this is what I do when we go to biggish parties:

• talk about it lots before we go
• make sure we bring a couple of favourite toys with us, like a couple of small trains
• when we get there I walk him round the place to observe what toys/equipment there are, what he could do if he wanted to, what other children are doing, what might be fun etc
• then he can choose either to join in or play with his own toys near me. Make sure that he always knows that he has this choice.

Often he would either warm up and go and play, or he would have a perfectly good time playing on his own. And if he really hates it we leave. After all what is the point of a party if you don't enjoy it? And at 2.5 why should she do something she really hates?

I ignore "is he shy" questions and say he hasn't quite decided what he wants to do, and try to imply politely that the questioner is being far too impatient and jumping to conclusions and that such behaviour is contemptuous.

[GooseyLoosey]

I was painfully shy as a child and my dcs are not great "joiners in" (although I'm not sure that this is down to them being shy, but that's another story).

If you go to a party and she wants to sit on your knee, I would let her, and not worry about it. She is who she is and over time will develop strategies to deal with people (it took me until my 20s but most people would laugh at the thought of me being shy now).

One thing which I do to help integrate my dcs is to play myself. I have been known at parties to have 15 children playing catch with me or hide and seek (clearly these particular games depend on the venues). My dcs will join in as they are playing with me (even if just holding my hand). Could you try this?

What I would not do is to try and force a shy child to socialise or make them feel that there is anything wrong with being shy.

[nancy75]

deckchair, my dd is2.5 and has always been quite shy and wary of other children (the same things as you said, wont go on the equiptment if anyone else is on it, ran away when other children went near her) at christmas we decided to try her at nursery. i am a sahm so i knew that if she hated it she didnt have to stay. the nursery we chose is very small and was very good about letting me stay until she was ready for me to go home. The diferance in her has been quite amazing in a really short space of time. at the weekend we took her to the park and she was actually going up to other children and talking to them on her own - a huge step for us!. i think if you can find a small playgroup thats not too overwhelming for her it might help her?

[SaveScrabulous]

Ds is similar sometimes. If we have children over to play sometimes he will just stay on my knee in his own house!

He is only a tiny bit older than your dd but he is getting a bit better now. Being honest I think going to nursery makes a big difference and has made him less cautious around other kids (he is definitely naturally so). Is there any way she could attend a nursery or play group very part time whilst you are on mat leave?

When people ask if he is shy, how about saying 'well I was similar (without actually acknowledging the shyness label) as a child and I turned out ok'?

[perpetualworrier]

Deckchair - don't worry, my DS1 was just like that at this age. I used to find parties really hard, as I was always embarassed that he wouldn't join in.

I'd say don't put pressure on yourself or her. Keep going to these things, but if she just wants to watch that's fine.

DS1 is almost 7 now and yesterday he spent 2 hours bowling with his Beaver group, where he is the only child form his school and thoroughly enjoyed being in the thick of it.

One of the things that I think really helped him was when he was just 4 he went to tennis lessons. Absolutely no use for learning tennis, ridiculous to send him so young, but it was a small group and the young lad who coached it was quite quiet and shy himself. It really seemed to bring DS out of himself.

[SaveScrabulous]

And the worst is when other parents try and encourage one's shyer dc in a well-meaning but totally unlikely to work way! I hate that!

[Acinonyx]

I have a shy dd (2.5) who at a party will stay on my lap for up to an hour before venturing to play with anything. And yes, she will even sit on my lap for a while when visitors come to her own house. I think it is easing up very slightly so i am not too worried about it. She goes to nursery and I have noticed she is a lot more enthusiastic about it since about 2 yrs of age because she is at that age where she really enjoys her friends - but only a regular select few.

I am not bothered about her being called shy - should I be perhaps? I never had a shy bone in my body, ever, so it has been quite a shock. Must get it from dh! I never push her to join in but give her plenty of time to settle, then go with her while she settles into playing (and probably stay very close by). If she wants to stay on my lap I let her. Apart from making sure she sees her friends regularly I'm not sure what else we could do - I think it is just her nature.

I do get fed up with other parents' comments and somewhat useless advice - so I'm also intersted in good comebacks.

[deckchair]

thank you to everyone who has responded. some great advice. I particulary like the idea about taking her own toys to parties and walking her round.

I dont want her to think there is anything wrong with being shy, i am just relating to how i felt as a child (obviously not at 2.5 but when older and say at school perhaps) I remember wanting to do things and not being able to because i didnt have the courage to do so. Acinoyz - I meant she may miss out on things through her shyness and not that being shy was a problem in itself. Hope that makes sense.

We do go to playgroups on a regular basis - especially since she doesnt go to nursery anymore. Last week, she left my side and played on her own at one of them.

DD has a couple of friends we see on a regular basis and she is always the quieter of the two, but she does seem to like their company; especially when we are at our house or friends' houses she has been to on regular basis.
We are going to look round her pre-school in a couple of weeks so i am going to see what the leader suggests.(if anything)

thanks also for the possible responses to the inevitable shyness probing.

[car25]

When asked "is she shy" I would reply "no, she's just observing" or "no not shy, just reflects before acting".

I have a highly sensitive child who is genuinely not shy.

[Acinonyx]

Well deckchair I think I am pretty clueless on this as I had the opposite problem as a child. I do worry that she might find it uncomfortable but I don't want to push her to be something she isn't - and perhaps I feel all the more conscious of that as it's not something I really understand!

[deckchair]

Acinonyz - let's hope that we can ease their journey through childhood as best we can.

car25 - thanks -another up my sleeve!