Kids "coming back for tea" nightmare (long)

[MrsSnape]

My eldest son first asked for a friend back for tea whilst he was in year 2. He's now in year 4.

I never wanted to start this as I suffer from social anxiety and the idea of being responsible for someone elses child and having my "private home" being invaded sounded like hell on earth but I agreed to it because he had been back for tea to this other kids house and I didnt think it was fair for DS to suffer because of my anxieties.

Anyway it was a horrible experience, the kids (then 7) ran around causing havok, argued over the playstation, fell out, the noise was horrible and I had a thumping headache when he left. I then said "never again".

Needless to say, a couple of weeks later DS was invited back to his house for tea and so I felt pressured into having his friend back here for tea the week after again. I put down ground rules, no arguing, no shouting, no running around inside the house...

Anyway this time it was worse, the kid attacked my younger son smashing his face into the wood flooring, breaking his glasses, toys got broken and to top it off, the kid refused to get his shoes on so I could take him home. I swore I'd definately never do it again and told DS to turn down anymore invites. He did and the kid never came back.

Then, a few months later, another 'nicer' kid invited DS back for tea and DS accepted . They'd apparantly had a lovely time and the kid did seem really sweet so I begrudgingly invited him back here the week after.

The experience was WORSE than with the first kid. They ran around like nutters, toys got broke, I was nagged constantly for food and drink, the bedrooms was trashed and the kid wrote his name across DS2's bedroom door in marker pen . I told DS that under no circumstances was ANYONE ever coming back for tea again.

All this was over a year ago now. DS2 is now in year two and suffers from behavioural problems, as a result he doesnt have many close friends but one boy asked him last summer if he wanted to go back for tea. I couldnt say no as it was the first time DS2 had been invited anywhere. So he went, they were apparantly well behaved and he came home happy. Anyway I tried to put off inviting this boy back here but in the end, I felt guilty and invited him.

At first they were fine, played nicely in the bedroom or on the xbox but all of a sudden they went nuts, started rolling around on the living room floor, a vase got broken, a fight broke out between DS1 and the boy....names were called, food was thrown around, tomato sauce was squirted at each other, DS1s socks were pulled off him and dropped in bleach...oustide a milkshake that I'd bought the boy was dropped all over the driveway, another fight broke out as I walked him home between neighbours kids and my DS and his friend and finally, DS1 was half strangled with a scarf.

What is it??? is it me??? I just cannot face doing this ever again but other parents seem to manage fine. I don't understand why my experience of it is always so horrendous I feel guilty but I just cant do it again

[BettySpaghetti]

Sounds like you've been through the mill with these "play-dates".

My experience to date is with girls so probably quite different (my DS is only 3 so I've got a bit of time before he has friends back).

One thing I wondered when reading your post is would it help to take the boys somewhere rather than have them in your home? Would that help reduce your anxiety as well a let them run-off steam elsewhere? eg. to a park, to play football or frizbee, for a walk round the woods

[choccypig]

Can you let your boy go to their house, but "return the favour" by taking the friend to school one morning.

[TurkeyLurkey]

Wrote a long winded post and then deleted it. But..in a nutshell, I think to make these a success you do have to keep your ears tuned for when the excitement levels are getting too much and either kick them out in the garden to play/ take them to the park as Betty says (I sometimes take them on the way home from school to let off steam).

Or, if this is not possible, divert their behaviour and make it known that its not acceptable. Means being assertive though, and not being afraid to control other peoples kids.

[choccypig]

Longer message of support.

I too find having DS friends back really stressful, we got into a routine of alternate weeks with one child in particular, who would wind DS up to such a pitch of bad behaviour that I would be virtually in tears. I find it hard to discipline my own son (he is a handful at the best of times) and it is so much harder to control someone else's once they get started. Plus the fact that I get on well with this particular boy's parents, they live 2 mins down the road, etc..

I then found that DS started to consider all playdates at home as his chance to try it on, such that even with well-behaved friends DS would be rioting, while they looked on bemused. We are now starting a period of NO PLAYDATES AT ALL, and then I'll start again with new firmer rules in place. And I'll be quite picky about which children come, and make sure it gets about that a certain child has been banned for bad behaviour.

The more successful times have been taking them to the park, with a ready prepared picnic. At home it's fine if they are BUSY, but the minute I go into the kitchen something kicks off.

[frogs]

You've been particularly unlucky, I think, although playdates with boys do have a tendency to be a bit more, ahem, active than girls' ones.

Can you reciprocate invitations by taking the kids to eg. soft play or the park instead of to your home? You can even do picnics to avoid having to take them home to tea.

Do you know the other boys' mothers? I tend to encourage playdates more when I've at least met the other child's parents in passing and figured I stand an odds-on chance of sharing at least some of their attitudes.

I also find that organising activities works better than leaving them to mess about unsupervised. If they are just messing about I make jolly sure to remove all toy guns/swords etc. I also put away any delicate toys or things I know my child is particularly attached to.

[dividedselfridgesxmaswindow]

Ohhhh MrsSnape.

First off you have to pat yourself on the back for overcoming your own fears so that your children can benefit from having friends over.

I hate the mess and sometimes destruction too and I rarely relish a play date. I'm sure few of us really do.

My dc (boys and a girl) have certain friends who are more destructive than others and when they are here I restrict activities and keep a closer eye but all in a bright and breezy way.

I second the thing about being ultra tuned into excitement levels so you can almost predict if things are going to kick off and do something about it before it does.

I think it's going to be inevitably harder because your anxiety levels are raised as it is and to some extenet the children will feed off of that but it doesn't mean it can't be reasonably calm.

Definitely plan some well supervised things to do and although it doesn't make it very relaxing for you, perhaps try and do things with the children. Could you do dome craft activities at the kitchen table or maybe sit down with them while they play?

I'd ditch the com[puter games just in case they are winding them up and aim to get outside where less damage can occur. With your older boy, could you do something like a cinema rip or outing to the skate park or similar?

I feel very sorry for you. Of course it isn't 'you'. It's more likely a case of bad luck and maybe a touch of your worst fears being realised because of anxiety levels. Make it easy on yourself because you deserve that at least.

[dividedselfridgesxmaswindow]

Lol at choccypig! Sounds like my middle child who turns into the devil when he has an audience.

[dividedselfridgesxmaswindow]

Summer might be easier too.

My friend and I do swapsies on playdates and we both chuck them out in the garden til it gets dark. Okay we have muddy trousers to deal with but it means that at least half the time is peaceful-ish.

Oh, and when it's this particular friend, quite often we have a coffee while the children play so we sort of share the burden. Perhaps you coudl do that?

[IndigoMoon]

there is a huge culture of playdates at dd school and at the nursery before that!

i find it really stressful but i find the best thing is to be in earshot at all times and strike fast before things escalate.

stop and distract is my only advice, that and a dvd possibly????

[MrsSnape]

Thanks for the advice. I think the picnic in the park might be a better idea and that at least gives me until summer to "get away with it"

I'm not very good with other people's kids at the best of times and I think they quickly pick up on the fact that I'm soft.

I know their mums in passing and all of them seemed really nice, I'm sure they are nice...just their kids go hyper when they're with mine.

In the case of my youngest DS, I'm pretty sure it was mine that kicked off first, I heard him muttering swear words under his breath and the other boy laughing like mad and when I told DS off for the swearing it all seemed to spiral out of control.