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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

would you tell her you know or drop hints

37 replies

shockedanddisapointed · 30/12/2007 21:03

While emptying our computer recycle bin I saw some pictures my DD had taken with the webcam, one was topless and one was naked. she is 11 and just starting to develop. She often plays on the webcam and records herself singing and takes silly pictures, BUT I never expected to see this.

NOW would you tell her you've seen her pictures and have her cringing with embarresment for the rest of her life, or would you drop hints and say I hope your using that sensibly and not doing anything silly or it may get sent to family by accident sort of thing...

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cherryredretrochick · 30/12/2007 21:06

At least they were in the recycle bin if you want a slight silver lining. Don't know what I would do though sorry.

BrownSuga · 30/12/2007 21:08

you might have to sit her down for a heart to heart, in case she even accidently sends these type pictures on the web. 11 yo's know quite a bit of technology, so question her gently

newnamefornewyearbookwormmum · 30/12/2007 21:09

I wouldn't tell her directly that yu found it but maybe have a talk wiht her about general websafety?

Do you know if she chats online with it or with whom? It might be just curiosity but it is a dodgy thing to start doing.

scanner · 30/12/2007 21:09

I'd want her to know, but is there someone else in the family who could pretend they found them that might be easier for her ie. older sister, cousin etc? If not then you need to do it, as senstively as poss - don't envy you though.

newnamefornewyearbookwormmum · 30/12/2007 21:09

The webcam, I mean.

dinny · 30/12/2007 21:10

shockedanddisappointed - I have to say my first reaction would be that someone was asking her to do this perhaps? ie. send pictures of herself to them...

does she have access to MSN/chatrooms etc?

sorry, I really don't want to upset or offend you but that honestly was my initial thought...

Vacua · 30/12/2007 21:10

I'd definitely talk to her about it, not in a scary way but just a 'I'm curious about the naked photos I found of you, what's it all about?' way and maybe go on to have the internet safety chat?

JingleyJen · 30/12/2007 21:11

No sorry - wouldn't be backward in coming forward about it.

I would sit her down and let her know that the reason you are happy for her to use these things is because you feel that she can be trusted. - you have seen some of the things she has in the recycled bin and just wanted to go through the things that you are and are not happy with her doing.

For her protection I think it is important that you are very clear and unambiguous about it. Perhaps have a code of conduct for her to look at and agree to.

sorry if this sounds harsh but all it takes is a myspace thing and photo's and a wierdo at the other end....

stockingfiller · 30/12/2007 21:11

umm i might up your parental controls and mention she not to put photos on the web as there lots of weidos that use the net!
that way you can edge round the pics you saw

Cashncarry · 30/12/2007 21:11

Does your computer have the internet? Sorry to ask this but is she likely to be posting any pics of herself to her friends on a website? If so, I would definitely be having a conversation about it.

Think I would raise the subject anyway tbh - I have no experience of 11 year olds myself (except having been one) so can't explain what makes me feel a bit dodgy....

Vacua · 30/12/2007 21:12

Be careful of making her feel that she has done anything wrong tho, it's not wrong to be interested in what your body looks like!

wheresthehamster · 30/12/2007 21:12

I'd have to say something. Maybe there are some that DIDN'T end up in the recycle bin.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/12/2007 21:16

Maybe she just wants to see how she looks (did no one else stand in front of the mirror to admire oneself at that age???)??? I'd not jump to other conclusions first, but definitely sit down and speak to her about it just in case.....

Vacua · 30/12/2007 21:18

glad to read that fuzzywuzzy, was just wondering why the huge panic had passed me by and if I was the only one who thought it might be quite a normal sort of thing to do in certain contexts!

dippydeedoo · 30/12/2007 21:18

my son whose 14 just read this and he says that he believes someone has asked her to do it- apparently all the girls and boys he chats to are quite reluctant to share pics (he never has) although most of them attend the same school(so why theyd want pics i dont know-apparently its to add on your myspace or face book site?)i see all angles of your worries with my boys id approach it in a no nonsense fun kinda way but with a daughter its a lot harder...is she quite a mature 11 yr old? my head tells me to say ask her outright but my heart says softly softly......couldnt you up the parental controls a little and without telling her what you saw remind her of the recycle bin?youre also gonna need to look into the people she chats with if she has sent these pics it could already have made a paedo v happy this xmas. good luck and hugs for you x

dinny · 30/12/2007 21:20

I am sorry but I think it sounds way too grown-up for an 11 year old to do, personally. My children are much younger, so I don't talk with any real knowledge but it strikes me as a bit sinister, really.

suwoo · 30/12/2007 21:24

I'd like to echo what fuzzywuzzy said, maybe she is just seeing what she looks like from another persons perspective? I still do that now and I'm 32

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 30/12/2007 21:25

I'd have a chat with her and say that it's absolutely fine if she wants to take pictures of herself but she must never ever send them to anyone, not even her friends. And then you can explain why.

I doubt she'll be cringing with embarrassment for the rest of her life if you don't make a really big deal about her taking the photos - it's what she does with them that's important.

shockedanddisapointed · 30/12/2007 21:25

Wow... thanks for replying..
When I first saw them I felt sick.. really sick. Then I thought maybe she was just looking at her body?
I've been through her email account so I know she hasn't sent them to anyone, and she doesn't have an msm account, and Ican't see her putting them on her bebo account

I may go and have a word with her now.. she's still awake...

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shockedanddisapointed · 30/12/2007 21:28

I forgot to add that they were dated 15th of December...

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Vacua · 30/12/2007 21:29

go gently and ignore the hysteria on here, it is so unlikely to be anything but an innocent interest in her own body - girls learn to be embarrassed and ashamed all too soon

stockingfiller · 30/12/2007 21:30

hopefully she still awake as i don think you will sleep till you have spoken with her about it.

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PontipineFinderGeneral · 30/12/2007 21:33

Agree with several other posters.

I think you need to talk to her ... the chances are that you're correct and this was something stupid that she did herself with noone else involved. If anyone else was invovled (on the internet or in rl) then it's obviously much more of a concern.

shockedanddisapointed · 30/12/2007 21:45

Well that was a quick chat!
I told her that I'd seen the pictures of her on the computer, when she asked which ones I told her of the ones of her naked, cue mild great panic and hysteria, you didn't you didn't.. then denial, she said it wasn't her. (I must admit I didn't study the pictures but it was definately her) I told her she hadn't done anything wrong, but she wasn't to do it again, as Dad or her young brother and their friends could have seen it, or I could have accidently sent them to family abroad...
Well I think I've put the fear of god up her. I don't think anyone else was involved, but I will disconect the webcam now.
Thanks, I was going to let it go and drop hints, I'm glad I run it by you lot.. Maybe I will look back one day and laugh about this.

Cheers

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FrannyandZooey · 30/12/2007 21:50

I would think she wanted to see how her body was developing and this was a good way of doing it

I also remember staring at my body in the mirror for hours at this age and older

I don't know what I was looking for - it is a confusing age

poor girl

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