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what behaviour to expect from 9/10 year old boy?

(57 Posts)

how in control are they? how much can you expect from them interms of keeping their temper, not hitting, being gentle with little ones?

HarkTheHassledAngelsSing Sat 22-Dec-07 07:52:33

I think it varies hugely - my 9.5 year old DS2 can be quite hard on his younger brother (expects him to have the same level of understanding, etc., gets cross when DS3 has a strop) and certainly has hit him, but very rarely. I think DS1 was a lot more aware of acceptable behaviour when he was 9 or 10.

can i ask your advice?
mt friend has a son who is 9 or 10 i'm not sure which.9 i think.

and he is SO rough with the younger ones.
he kicked my 7 year old in the balls a while agoshock and is constantly fighting with the other kids. and yesterday when they were all playing here, he slammed my 4 year old's fingers in the door. my ds lost the skin on all of his knuckles and was so upset it's unreal. we had to sit with ice packs on his hand etc.

she went off to talk to him and came down saying that he had said sorry.

i just don';t think that is good enough. if my seven year old did somehing like he would have been in trouble! i know it probably wasn't intentional but if he hadn't been excludung my child it wouldn't have happened.

i was talking to dh about it and saying 'what has to happen to make her do something' and dh reckons she nevcer will-he's reached this age without her controlling him-she never will now, and if that is true, it throws up loads of other questions....

nudge

please? am i over reacting?

lyra41 Sat 22-Dec-07 08:35:30

it does sound like she has real problems with him. Does he have a dad on the scene?

oh yes-parents happily married-very strong family etc

lyra41 Sat 22-Dec-07 08:42:11

Hmm, I don't know how you can handle this. How much do you see of them? All I can suggest is that you supervise the children closely when he's around to try to prevent your own children getting hurt.

Does your friend ask for any advice about him, or does she think he's normal?

a while ago we all talked as a group about how some us felt that he went too far and was hurting the others . she thought it happened when he was bored and we all came up with tactics etc.
she never seems to actually tell him off. she has a very gentle parenting style and has lots of discussions with him which is great but sometimes...i think he needs to know that he done wrong! i never hear that he has been on a computer ban or anything.

i don't know-some real acknowledgement yesterday about how badly hurt my ds2 was would have been nice.

dirtygertiefromnumber30 Sat 22-Dec-07 09:05:00

i had a friend like this janitor, the final straw was when her ds and my ds were upstairs playing I could hear lots of bumps and crashes. When i went to check on them, her ds had totally destroyed my ds' room (smashed glass picture frames, pulled shelves off wall, ripped down posters etc). I called my friend upstairs to see what had happened and she calmly said "oh dear, what a mess. come now boys, lets have a tidy up"

She fully admitted it would have been her ds who had created the mess so i told her it would be best if the went home, i would deal with the tidying up. (my ds was crying his eyes out)

When i spoke to her later she said that she had made her ds a babychino (frothy milk with choc on top) with her new coffee machine because he was so upset!!!

Anyway, from that time on we have seen considerably less of them. How close are you to this friend? Can you just limit the time your dcs play with her ds?

we are quite close and the children all go to the same school.it's awkward.sad

poor ds2-he couldn't speak properly for about 30 mins-he was just gulping like mad.

oh well-no point spoiling christmas by worrying about it. i just wish i could do confrontation because i would say something and hang the consequences.

mmelody Sat 22-Dec-07 09:27:22

I have a friend with a similar son janitor. Its really hare because while I love her to bits I find her parenting of him to be unbelievably frustrating..especially when the little ones get hurt as we have another friend with a toddler and a 3 year old. He gets frustrated with them and really shouts in their faces and will get physical if he gets the chance. My friend like yours talks of screen ban time when I think he needs a good bollocking there and then (scuse language)
I have explained to my friend that I find it frustrating and she pays lip service to it but never changes. I kind of step in now (as does other friend) and tell him off as if he were one of mine.

mmelody Sat 22-Dec-07 09:27:49

hare *hard

dirtygertiefromnumber30 Sat 22-Dec-07 09:32:35

hmm, well apart from not seeing them so often or totally supervising their play there's not much you can do. I agree that her parenting style seems too lenient but it would be very awkward to discuss it with her!

your poor ds though sad

HarkTheHassledAngelsSing Sat 22-Dec-07 10:36:21

None of this boy's behaviour is "age appropriate", IFSWIM - most 9 year olds have a much clearer idea of boundaries. I don't agree that the mother has left it too late to turn it round though - it can still be undone.
I'm with you on non-confrontation (it's my lifestyle choice!) and don't know what I would do in your situation - can you pass the buck to any mutual friends who are better at confrontation? Because that's what I think this situation needs - if the boy is left unchallenged, then by 12 or 13 it will be too late.

i know what you meansad
i just don't know what to do.

have tried chatting to her about it in a gentle way.

she must feel wful because 'we' as a group have said that we are not happy with his behaviour but he still behaves badly.

he still has mad tantrums and screams and lashes out. sometimes he can be a really nice kid but he just ....

SHE infuruates me because she doesn't seem to take any action.

KITTYmaspudding Sat 22-Dec-07 10:44:36

Perhaps she doesn't know how?
Tbh you have to protect your children from him. no matter how much you like her. You can't expose your kids to his violence, it wouldn't be fair sad

cornsilk Sat 22-Dec-07 10:45:07

I have a 9 year old and IME they can quite quickly get 'out of control' when they are in 'unfamiliar' situations without the normal boundaries and playing at someone elses house seems to be the main potential for trouble! They really need to know who the adult in charge is and when they are in someone elses house it can be confusing. Next time you need to be really assertive with him throughout his stay and constantly and very firmly reinforce your rules. If you keep doing this he will learn. You cannot assume that a 9 year old just knows how they are expected to behave in different situations. Some do, some don't.

KITTYmaspudding Sat 22-Dec-07 10:48:27

Oh yes I too have a 9 year old ds and I would say that he and all of his friends would not behave like that. Ds2 (8) and his mates would know better as well. no matter how rough their play gets.

ahundredtimes Sat 22-Dec-07 10:48:41

Perhaps she doesn't know what to do?

Perhaps she knows what will happen if she bollocks him in front of you and would rather deal with his tantrum at home?

I feel a bit sorry for her in a way MMJ - and for your ds of^course.

She sounds like she's spent years saying 'please don't do that ds' and doesn't know where else to go when he ignores her. Some children are challenging, and he sounds like he's one of them.

My approach would be more friendly and sympathetic I think. I'd want to say to her 'Crikey that thing with the door, it made me think it must be quite hard for you if your ds carries on like this at home a lot.' and see if she wants to talk? She might appreciate support?

i have a seven year old ds and no way does he behave like this and when he does behave badly he knows about it!!!

KITTYmaspudding Sat 22-Dec-07 10:50:42

Do you think the child might have 'problems' or do you think it's soley related to ineffective/ineffectual parenting?

cornsilk Sat 22-Dec-07 10:52:35

My ds wouldn't play like that either - but my point is that if I just let he and his friends do what they want they are wild. 9 year old boys need firm boundaries. The op could try to apply these in her house as the child's mum isn't and it is her house. It might make a difference and it also might help his mum.

HarkTheHassledAngelsSing Sat 22-Dec-07 10:53:51

I was going to ask the same as Kitty - it strikes me that there could be other issues apart from ineffectual parenting. Not quite sure what though. Is there a teacher you could have a quiet word with?

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