Is returning to work the wrong thing to do ...

[ChubbyStuckForAFestiveNameBurd]

... if my DS becomes completely hysterical when left with others?

I'm meant to go back when he's 6 months old (he's 4.5 just now) and his dad will be looking after him.

He's a difficult baby, sleepless, easily overstimulated, becomes very agitated and restless and can be quite difficult to read.

He adores his dad but becomes completely manic when tired unless I take him and rock or feed him. His dad's just back from walking round with him in the sling for an hour because DS needed a nap - but he screamed all the way. And not screamed as in cried a bit - screamed so that I could hear him through double glazing from the other end of the street despite being wrapped up in the sling, and when he got in he was covered in tears and a red rash (always gets this when had a manic session). For an hour he did this. As soon as I took him he had a feed and was all smiles.

I have to do all the sleeping bits (and the BFing obviously) but it's still not easy for me, he can't fall asleep without help. I am so worried about going back to work - I'm telling myself that if DS hasn't grown out of this 'mum' phase by then it will just mean a few difficult days and then he and his dad will work it out and it will be fine. But then I see just how upset DS gets and DP admits himself he struggles to stay calm because ... well, we all know what a crying baby can make you feel like, and I've had to put him down and walk away often enough myself to stop myself losing the plot.

I just feel like I might be letting DS down by going back to work. Financially I kind of have to but I would find a way if there was no other option. But at 9 months of age I really would have to return and then DS might be going through separation anxiety and that might make it even worse ... oh I just don't know how much to worry. If he was just another crying baby it would be less of an issue but he gets completely hysterical when he starts and poor DP is powerless to stop him. Ditto the grannies.

:sigh:

Worry about it nearer the time? Try to slowly introduce more DP time? Jack in work plans?

[juuule]

Try to slowly introduce more dp time. Reassess nearer the time. Another month and a half of more time with his dad and it will probably be a whole different story.

[RubySlippedonastraymincepie]

Your DS will probably go through even more changes before you have to go back to work and also be that bit older - he may settle down and start to get into more of a pattern

You may find when you are at work, and your DP is looking after him that things settle into a routine where you are all happy - i do think giving your DS more DP time may give you all strategies

do you belong to any baby groups - these are a life saver!

If you have to go back to work financially then you have to go back whether it is at 6 or 9 months - i went back when DS was 6 months old so i know how you are feeling

i have no real advice except do what is right for you and your family

you won't be letting your son down by going back to work either

[RubySlippedonastraymincepie]

the 4 month stage is tricky IIRC

my DS went through a mad growth spurt, very unsettled and then he settled down again

[amidaiwish]

mine both got easier when they started to sit up, 4m is a tricky age!

don't mean to patronise but are you putting him down to sleep when he is just too tired to sleep? i did that with DD1, didn't read her sleep cues. A swing was a life saver with her btw. I know a lot of people don't think they are good, but it is far easier to pop a difficult baby in a swing and let them drift off to sleep than to have to rock / settle them yourself.

[ChubbyStuckForAFestiveNameBurd]

Thanks folks.

I can't put him down amidawish, that's half the bother. He only sleeps on me for naps and with me in bed at night. He started out very colicky, and struggled with terrible overtiredness because he couldn't rest, and so we muddled through with cosleeping and the sling and napping on me just to get by, and now he relies on my presence for sleep.

I'm hopeful he'll grow out of it/learn to fall asleep by himself with age.

I'm just frightened we're going to have a really miserable baby and a really miserable daddy (and mum!) if he hasn't got better at settling with his dad when I go back.

We'll persevere with increased daddy involvement I think. DP doesn't reckon it will help but it's worth a go anyway.

[ChubbyStuckForAFestiveNameBurd]

cbcb - you're right, this definitely contributes to the problem.

DS isn't daft and still gets agitated even if I stand talking to im while DP rocks, and I have tried to teach him my exact method too!

[cory]

My dh did Tibetan nose-singing, had a very soothing effect on the two of them. I always felt myself that ordinary singing had a calming effect on me when I got tense with the children.

[ChubbyStuckForAFestiveNameBurd]

Thanks cory ... I'll, um, suggest it to him!

[LittleB]

My dd went through a really difficult stage at about 4mths. She had happily taken a bottle from her gran and my mum before then (I breastfed at first but had stopped by then) but at 4mths she suddenly would only take them from me, it got me into a panic as I knew I'd have to go back to work at 7mths, but she only did this for about a month and then she was fine again. Apparently they develop better awareness of other people around 4mths and will pay more attention to who is around, and therefore get upset etc., but they get better as they realise that mummy will come back. Hopefully your little one will get easier soon. My dh always used to take dd into the conservatory or the garden to see the birds and plants and she loved this, it seemed to soothe her.

[Pheebe]

Chubby you could have been writing about me and my DS1! You've had loads of good advice, definitely think the increased DP involvement is the way to go. We focused on DH taking over bedtime initially, strict bedtime routine, bath bottle bed with lots of cuddles and stories and quiet singing, DH also took off his top and wrpped himself and DS up in a dressing gown so DS got a good dose of daddy skin to skin contact. This really helped them bond and although the first week was hard going its paid dividends. We also gradually began to help him settle on his own by putting him in his cot when VERY sleepy and doing the pick up-put down method (controlled crying never worked for us). he's 3 now, a brilliant sleeper, very close to his dad and happy to be put to be looked after by either of us The key is slow and sure, don't expect miracles overnight and give your DP loads of support and encouragement.
good luck
phee

[beanstalk]

Just wanted to add to the great advice already given, don't get het up about separation anxiety at 9 months or whatever age. Some babies never have it, some have it at 6 months, some at 2 years! It's a bit of a myth IME that it happens overnight at 9 months. Also 4.5 months is still very young and every week is different - he may have settled much more in 6 weeks time. Good luck!

[Judy1234]

When you have babies like this going back to work is definitely the right thing to do for your own sanity apart from anything else. When we left daughter 1 with our daily nanny at home it was such a relief (very difficult crying baby).

Also remember if you go back sooner it's easier because the baby isn't too used to one regime whereas go back later and it's less fair on the child because of the changes in routine.

That daughter is 23 now and she has thrived always. If you asked her she'd say she was glad I went back to work. It's made a difference to our lives materially as well as because I was happier.

[ChubbyStuckForAFestiveNameBurd]

Thank you for the reassurance. There's no place like Mumsnet for reassurance, I'd be lost without it!

We're going to keep gently involving daddy at bedtimes and try to enjoy Christmas. Then we'll worry about it after that. Hopefully things will be a bit easier. It's so upsetting for DP - DS just gazes at him with huge facesplitting grins until bedtime and he turns into psychobaby!

[meepingaroundthechristmastree]

CSB - my dd also gets very upset when I am not around - I can give her to someoone else and she will sit on their knee and cry - even if I am in the same room talking top her and paying her attention! I am going back to work in 5 weeks and she will be looked after by my mum and dad one day a week. In anticipation of this I have been leaving her with them one day a week so that she can get used to it. So why don't you do a trial run and leave your ds with his dad for the day? If you are going to do this you need to go out by yourself and don't phone home (it will only stress you out if you hear your ds crying in the background - I know, I have been there!). You will probably spend the whole day in a state of nervouse anxiety and be a bit tearful - but I am now beginning to enjoy my "days off"! Your dp should be under strict instruction to phone you if an emergency tho! The first few times my dd spent with my folks were quite difficult but they have now found a little routine together and she seems happy with them. I am sure it will be ok and your ds is very lucky to be getting looked after by his daddy

[christmascactus]

Hi,
I am in a very similar situation as you, 4.5 month old DS, not a sleeper (co sleep and all naps on me - I think you answered my 'mummy is a mattress' tread in sleep ). Hates being put down, still thinks he is attached by an umbilical cord to me according to DH

Not due back until 9 months, but already worrying so much about it. Going to see a nursery tomorrow with a heavy heart - feel like I will be abandoning him. Got really quite upset when a friend of mine told me I should choose the biggest nursery possible as boys need lots of stimulation - he's only tiny FFS - grrr.

Anyway a couple of thoughts: Do you have to let work know soon about what your plans are or could you let it ride a bit longer and reassess after christmas? At least he will be looked after by DH, someone he already has a relationship with and in a familiar environment rather than a strange place and lots of strangers.

Will be interested to hear how it goes - I have to keep remeinding myself that worrying so much is just spoiling the maternity leave that I have left with my baby .