How do you deal with family members who go OTT on gifts/treats

[ConnorTraceptive]

And not just a xmas - seems to be all year round.

I hate it, it drives me nuts. DS is only 2 so too young to understand or care about the value of things but if this carries on he's going to come to expect it isn't he? and as much as I hate to say it he's going to become like my BIL children who are lovely kids BUT are incredibly materialistic and generally lacking in appreciation for things.

(Yes I know judgey judgey)

Watching them at xmas is a souless experience as they open their mountains of presents with barely a glint of excitement. It's like you can see them mentally ticking off the check list of things they asked for.

I've already had a heated discussion with MIL about what she intends to buy him for Christmas (ie too much) and that ended with a "He's my GS I'll spend what I want"

I think what guts me most is that he's my little boy and of course I want to spoil him occassionally but when he's constantly being spoilt by everyone around him I feel like I have to refrain from doing it. I want it to be our gift at Xmas that's the most special and exciting but when his grandparents are matching and infact exceeding what we can afford to spend how is that possible?

Sorry this is more of a rant really. I'm not an ungratefull cow honest, I just want them all to tone it down a bit.

all this because so far this week he has been given a total of 3 advent calenders. Maybe I would have liked to have chosen his advent calender. God that's a tad pathetic I know but anyhoo.

[bozza]

Oh I always buy my DC an advent calendar - but a proper one without chocolates. They always get a choc one from my MIL, and sometimes from other family members as well. But I think they like the pictures as much as the cheap chocolate tbh.

It's a difficult one that I have struggled with and gradually come to terms with so no real advice other than on the advent calendar.

[chopchopbusybusy]

I think you are right to want input into what your DS is given by relatives, although I also think that it is a grandparents right to spoil their grandchildren to an extent. Could you gently explain that you feel that too many gifts will be overwhelming for your DS and suggest that they either cut it back a lot, or if they really want to give him money could they do it in the form of Childrens Bonus Bonds. My Mum has bought these over the years for my DDs and they have a nice nest egg built up now. They don't know they have them yet, but they have my Mum's name on them so they will know when they receive them that they were a gift from Mum. Or, let your Mum go mad with gifts, you buy something very small for your DS and put the money you would have spent into savings for him when he's older. At 2 he's not going to know anyway who has given hm what.

[fireflyfairy2]

I understand where you're coming from.

In fact, I had a similar conversation with my Inlaws 2 years ago

It was awful. They said we were ungrateful & that we were keeping them from seeing their grandchildren.

We never kept the children from them, my parents don't live near me, so for me, it was important that IL's saw the children as much as possible, but for me that meant them spending time with them, reading to them, taking them to the park, not spending £100 on Xmas gifts & then not see them for another 3 months

So unfortunately it caused a falling out on Xmas day when they arrived up at our house after 'santa' had been & they were armed with a black bin liner full of stuff. Not just stuff.. but some of the items were things that I had told MIL santa was getting dd. I couldn't bring myself to open ds's things as I knew from the shape of the box it was the same as santa had got him. The IL's left our house on Xmas day & we didn't speak for months

Try not to do what happened to us, I regret it big time. The children were the ones that missed out on seeing their grandparents & despite it all, they absolutely adore them & the feeling is mutual from their GPs.

I plucked up the courage to go & speak to MIL & she was in a bad way about what had happened... we had a heart to heart, she realised I grew up with next to nothing & ungrateful was the last thing that I was being, but I can see that it looked that way to her. I asked her if they would spend time & not money on the children & she agreed. It has worked brilliantly! They see the kids a lot & dh & I get out at least once a month for a night out when they babysit!

Now MIL asks me what I think the kids would like, or if there is anything specifically the would like. It feels good to be able to say to her "You know the kids of things they like" Wheras before she didn't, she just bought the most expensive thing.....

[Astrophe]

i UNDERSTAND. i HAVE ASKED MY PARENTS O BUY THE dc (sorry!) one christmas present each because we want Christmas the Christmas message of Jesus' birth not to be lost. My Mum bought them two each - one from Nanni and one from Grandpa she said, and then "I thought thats what you meant!". Cheeky, but actually we are really fortunate that they are toning it down. We have told them that they can spoil the kids at other times instead if they want to - that they can buy then New Year Presents or something. Could you try that?

If they wont respect your wishes then I'm not really sure there is anything you can do if your family live nearby and yu can't just give the stuff away!

[hayCHingleBells]

Let them spend what they want. Especially as it seems youve already told them how you disapprove but they will do it anyway. So fighting a losing battle there i think.

Its down to you though to ensure your dc appeciate everything they get.

My inlaws are a bit like yours, always buy too much (but atually its all cheap and nasty and my dds can see this, their presents always break within a week). All i can do is keep going on at my dc about how lucky they are, and to NEVER EVER expect anything.

Seems to work.
Its always been this way, i used to get angry, but realised there is just no point. DD1 is 7 now and dd2 is 4. They are not as you described your BIL kids, they are grateful and excited.

So i think alot of it is down to how you react too. Encouraging the excitement and gratitiude. Rather than, oh thats no what i wanted type of thing (really blardy awful, dps family are just like this, they all ask eahother what they want, so they always know what they are getting - i hate it)

[fireflyfairy2]

It was even worse here because dd's & ds's birthday is at Xmas. They were getting loads of stuff... so now ILs buy them something for outside in the summer for their birthday, we all win

[bratnav]

I understand completely, but have now seen both sides.

My parents never spend more than £30 or so on the DDs for either Christmas or birthdays, it's a rule THAT WILL NOT BE CHANGED! They once didn't buy DD2 a pressie she desperately wanted because it was £32.

OTOH, I have just been told by DP that his parents have bought his DD a dolls house and furniture that costs over £200 all in, when we are only spending £100 per child this Christmas. They are very generous with my DDs as well, so it isn't about that, but I nearly fainted when he told me, surely the 'big present' should be from a parent?

[shoshaliteupthetree]

CT i know what you mean especially about the advent calendar, my exMIL used to buy 3 for DS when small, I got round it by buying a wooden Christmas tree (it was German) which stood on a box, that had 24 little doors, I then could put into the doors what i wanted, and he could take out of the doors a little ornament to put on the tree, he loved it, and we still have it now, I use it with the mindees, he doesnt remember the ones his grandmother bought, but does remember that. maybe you could find something like it, or maybe a felt one (especially if you are good with a needle).

[hayCHingleBells]

Yes, it annoys me when someone says that santa has left a sack of pressies for my dc at their house!
MIl does this, grrr! She arrives with a massive sack or two for my dc, (is usually a load of old tat) but it gets me annoyed.

Santa has already been at our house, why on earth would he leave stuff at their house? Its all just ott and confusing for dc.

[hayCHingleBells]

Easter time too, mil insists on buying the chocolate eggs, great grandma gets them one each too and mils sister. So they end up with about 6+ eggs each!

DD1 doesnt even like chocolate - what a waste of money! Ive told her a hundred times dd1 doesnt like chocolate but they eggs keep coming.

What is wrong with these people? Do i speak a different language?

[Astrophe]

Yes, it is worth thinking about the opposite as well - my in laws sometimes forget DC birthdays, and when they remember they usually spend about £10 (not that its all about £, but they are reasonably well off, and their gifts don't seem very carefully chosen). My parents spend abut £50 or more on Christmas and at birthdays, and then extra treats as well - it annoys me sometimes, but I know what i'd prefer. I do understand though OP. Rest assured though, that if you have a generous and non-materialistic attitude you DC will learn that from you.

[ConnorTraceptive]

Some good advice thank you. I don't intend to have a family fued over it and if it was just at xmas that they did this I would relax a bit but it isn't it's birthdays, easter gifts, holiday presents, because it's the last friday of the month (ok maybe not!)

They are great, loving GP's to ds and I wouldn't change that for the world but I would love it if they could just take him out for the day with out coming back with lots of treats on top. They see him weekly so it's not like it's a one off annual trip out.

He's so lucky to have so many relatives that shower him with attention and love just wish they'd tone down the materialistic side.

[fireflyfairy2]

My mam asked my dd the other day what she would like for Xmas. My dd said she would love to watch the Wizard of Oz dvd with her!!

So mam asked me to get it (only £5 off play.com!!) & to get her something else at £15.

They have 15 grandchild so spend £20 on each of them.. we have told them to stop buying as the grandchild count gets higher, but they don't!

[seeker]

My fil was rediculously generous at Christmas - but it was because they had been really really hard up when dp and his brothers and sisters were little. I think fil was trying to make up to his own children what he hadn't been able to give them by spoiling his grandchildren. Does that make sense? Anyway, I let it go and fwiw, none of the children seem particualry spoilt or bratlike because of it. And they remember grand dad, who died 4 years ago for for lots of reasons, not just that he always gave them the unsuitable ludicrously expensive things they wanted.They remeber that too - but in a nice way. DD often talks about the Christmas granddad gave her the Barbie sleigh she wanted so badly, and it's a lovely memory of a sweet and generous man who made a real effort to find out what the children all wanted. Even if he did spend cringemaking amounts of money, I think that's a grown up perception.

[ConnorTraceptive]

And yes part of it is me wanting the glory of providing the big, special present at Christmas

I like the idea of one of those wooden advent calenders then I can tell people that is what we'll be using each year so no need to get another one.

[ConnorTraceptive]

Sorry Kerrymum but I see no blessing in all this materialism.

One off big treats: absolutely, but this year round drip drip drip of presents isn't right.

They can lavish all the time, love and attention they like on him. And believe me I do appreciate the fact that they are wonderfull like that.

[hayCHingleBells]

Ive never had anyone outshine my main present that i had bought for my dc.

I can imagine i would be farkin furious!

As i said MIL buys too much, but its all crap. And my mum is too tight to spend more than a £10!

I would have to say something. State exactly what your getting and how youd appreciate it if she didnt get the same or better.
Or you could set a spending limit, like one other poster said, £30 max seems about right.
If they want to spend more suggest they take him to see a panto or something instead, could wrap up the ticket as a present.

[LadyMuck]

Connor - I suspect that Kerrymum was indicating that actually for children to have living grandparents at all is a blessing. You won't have to worry about the materialism when they're gone.

[fireflyfairy2]

When dd was born 2 days after Xmas... ILs bought dd a bike


My tongue was sore when they left

But I can see that I was being slightly unreasonable too, they just wanted to spoil her & I was angry incase my parents felt pushed out as they had just seperated & were both dealing with everything personally!!

[fircone]

I have worst of both worlds: in-laws make HUGE fuss about their presents for dcs, including all that rubbish about Father Christmas going to their house, and then buy really mean gifts.

Last year, mil said, on Christmas Day, that because ds's present had cost £14, dd's had had to cost £6, so that they didn't exceed the £20 budget for the two of them. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I do appreciate, however, that it is difficult to try to make a stand in the face of materialism, especially at Christmas. Keep relatives on side, however, because once your children are teenagers they will not be happy with nice wooden ethically-sourced toys. Teenagers only do EXPENSIVE.

[ConnorTraceptive]

I'm going to suggest a compromise of £30 on a gift and if they feel they want to spend more they can put money in his bank or I like the suggestion of the panto (I hate panto so will be happy for them to take him when he's older)

I see what you mean Lady muck. I do count my blessings for family i really do.

[dooley1]

For the last couple of years we haven't been with inlaws oin Xmas day so they delivered the presetns early.
This meant we could weed a few out and give them earlier or at a later date so the dcs weren't overfaced.
Also we have a big clear out to make room for the new stuff and me and dh don't go mad as the other presents make up for it.
So this year the dcs are only getting stcoking from FC as my mum is getting ds a big present (scooter) and dd is too little to realise

[sparkybabe]

My MIL does this (it's always MIL!) -she would turn up with a huge sack of stuff EACH for my 3. There's us withthe 2-3 presents we give them each and then this huge mountain of stuff from her. I thinkit's becuase she didn't have much involvement in dh when he was growing up, so she missed out on it all,- but she also used to buy ALLL their clothes, from pants to gloves to pyjamas. I once sent my ds1 to a xmas party in skin-up head-to-toe clothes that SHE had bought. made me feel really useless. She doesn't see it tho.