HELP, MY 9 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THINKS SHES UGLY! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[bubbleandsqueak]

My daughter has been struggling lately at school and seems to be a bit more emotional than usual. On the way to school this morning she anounced that in her opinion she was ugly! To me she is perfectly normal with blue eyes and shoulder length blonde hair, I think that there may be an element of bullying going on.

What do you think I should to nip this lack of self confidence in the bud?

Is this the start of something along the lines of pubity or just girls being mean?

Do I need to make her feel special, any ideas?

Thanks for any advice.

[EllieG]

Tell her lots and lots about how special and beautiful she is, and spend some time together to prove it. DSD said she thought she was ugly a while back, but I didn't make too much of a big thing about it, just make sure she always looks nice and well presented, and tell her lots how lovely she is. I think a lot was to do with a boy at school being mean, but we talked about it, and dealt with any bullying and gave her strategies for handling it when in that situation.

[Yeni]

First find out if any of the other kids have said this to her.

I think it is a good idea for her father to tell her she is beautiful as I've read this can help build self esteem more than just the mother doing it. Pointing out that she is clever/talented/kind is also really important and talking about the most important qualities she'd look for in a friend. In short, you can compliment her on her appearance but also make sure she knows other qualities are more important.

[EllieG]

It is sad isn't it? I spent a lot of my years growing up feeling rubbish about myself and I don't want DSD to feel the same, but have come to conclusion that you can't always protect them from society and it's stupid ideas of beauty being the same as everyone else. She is very tall for her age, and always will be (her Mum was nearly 6 ft) so I always make sure I tell her how lovely I think it is, and how lucky she is to have such long legs etc and how fab she looks in trousers/skirts, whatever. I want her to see her points of difference as a cause for celebration, not something to be ashamed of.
Her nan (stupid, nasty woman) told her she 'used to be fat' (she isn't and never was) a while ago and I hit the roof - no WAY should anyone do that to an 8 year old. Made me so sad that now she is aware of weight as being something to worry about at her age. But that's what society does, and you just have to hope that they have good enough self-esteem to cope with it.

[lennygirl]

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[castille]

My 10-yr-old occasionally says she thinks she's ugly, and picks out people she thinks are beautiful - usually the total opposite to her (she is tall and slim with pale skin and straight hair, she admires dark hair, curly hair, dark skin, of course!). The blanket "don't be silly, you're beautiful" reply doesn't cut it with her. Though she does respond very readily to our incredulous replies ("what? with hair like yours? and such beautiful eyes?" that sort of thing).

IMO it's more helpful to give sincere, targeted compliments, such as "your hair looks gorgeous today, really shiny and swingy" or "those trousers look lovely on you" or "you are so lucky to have such straight teeth".

[EllieG]

Good point yeni

[castille]

Oh and as Yeni said get her Dad to compliment her as much as possible. It all sounds so much better coming from the most important man in her life...

[moodymare]

Oh how awful for both of you My DS is 10 and I went through a similar phase with her recently where she thought she was fat and ugly-she's neither, if anything she's very thin. I just gave her lots of compliments not just on how she looked but also how well she was doing at school etc. I'm pleased to say she's gotten over it and now has no problem with self confidence

[OrmIrian]

Constantly tell her how pretty she is and how proud you are of her. It's infuriating the looks should loom so large at that young an age. I spent my entire childhood not thinking of what I looked like because it wasn't an issue for me. Until I reached 12 or so and everyone else was starting to be obessessed with make-up and hair and I felt ugly, clumsy and inadequate. I was very tall too. Looking back I was quite pretty - very much like my DD is now (and I think she's a stunner ) - but nothing on earth could have convinced me of that then. Isn't it a shame that we can't give out DCs a way to make them appreciate how beautiful they are simply because of their youth and vitality - that's beautiful in itself.

[lennygirl]

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[LilRedWG]

My 12 year old niece is like this and it breaks my heart. She is beautiful inside and out, but cannot see it herself.

[LoveAngelGabriel]

My 13 yr old cousin is like this. I worry about her so much - that she will get a serious eating disorder because of it. She is slender and athletically built, and only just beginning to develop feminine curves - but in here eyes she is fat and ugly. Her stomach is 'big' (it is totally flat, just not that ridiculous non-female muscular 'abs' look). She has started to feel embarassed of eating infront of people. It has definitely be exacerbated by some girls at school who don't like her and tell her she is fat, ugly, stupid etc (the school have done little about it). She won't confide in her mum, but has told me bits and pieces about how she feels about herself and I just feel desperately sad and helpless. And people say feminism is no longer relevant. Jeez.

[lennygirl]

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[OrmIrian]

Yes. Statuesque is good mild . Sometimes I quite like Amazonian although I still have 2 norks.

Have to say would like to be statuesque and slim.......

[bubbleandsqueak]

My immediate reaction when she said she thought she was ugly was to be positive, I'm so glad that I was quick enough as I could see her watching me for a reaction in the car mirror.

I have taken on board what the janitor has said and have arranged a day out together. We are currently in the process of renovating a room for her, she is sharing a bedroom with her younger brother (6) and she has suggested that I take her shopping to choose her new bedspread, curtains etc. I think its a great idea.

Thanks to everyone who posted, I think all of the suggestions are good and I am vowing to put them into action. I really don't want my daughter to lack confidence when just a few small things can make the difference.

[margoandjerry]

I can second what everyone is saying about dads or other men in the family. My dad never told me I was beautiful and it's the only thing I hold against him now as I think it affected my sense of attractiveness.

My DD doesn't have a dad around but she does have uncles and a grandfather who are always telling her she's beautiful and I'm grateful (funnily enough my dad does it as a grandfather but couldn't as a father).

TMMJ am also statuesque, if not monumental

[Dixichik]

Ask other relatives to make kind remarks about her appearance, not so obvious that she gets embarrassed. Its really important that grandparents are in on the confidence boosting. I remember when I was 9 my Nan saying to my mum in front of me "she'll look alright if she stops growing and she gets her teeth fixed". Negative comments like that really stay with you. (I stopped growing eventually and got braces)