friend seems desperate for her dd to be a victim..

[arethereissues]

Have namechanged but am a regular.

Have a friend whose dd and mine are best friends, they were at preschool together and started reception together, so consequently we see quite a lot of each other. Friend?s approach is hugely different to that of almost anyone I know. She is extremely hard on her dd, if she does anything vaguely naughty friend flies off at her shouting and screaming and threatening what will happen to her if she counts to 5 and the behaviour doesn?t stop, but she never follows through so although she comes across as really hard her bark is bad and she can?t bite iyswim the child isn?t really naughty though so it?s really not a big deal.

But this woman seems almost desperate for her child to be a victim. I know that sounds weird but, on two occasions at preschool she made alagations that this child was being bullied, when this was actually not the case. On the one occasion the child had had a run-in with another child, it was a one-off and they had remained friends afterwards, but she tells people to this day that this child bullied her child for 6 months (they were three at the time), and on the other occasion a child had hit out at her dd, again just the once and she went in and went off on one at the preschool saying that her child was being bullied.

Recently her dd ran into someone in the playground and had a bump on her head when she came home. The teacher hadn?t noticed because this child had clashed heads and said she hadn?t even cried so it was just one of those things that happens, but she was fuming and went storming into the school to demand that the school inform her of any such event, that they should automatically see if a child had a bump on their head and how she was not happy.

More recently her dd has been crying when going into school. This has only happened two mornings but she is already set to go into school tomorrow and demand to know what is going on because there is obviously something wrong if her dd is crying when going to school. She is quite a sensitive child, but personally I think the fact that friend stayed at school for half an hour yesterday to try and placate her dd has led to her dd repeating the behaviour this morning, she is, according to the teacher, absolutely fine once friend leaves.

I just can?t help thinking this isn?t right somehow. Her dd does have some issues, at 5 she is not really toilet trained, she regularly wets and even poohs herself, and this tends to happen at home rather than at school, but friend still maintains that it?s obviously issues elsewhere that are leading to this happening.

Obviously it?s not my place to say anything to her, but I can?t help thinking that there may be issues at home and that friend is so desperate to hide away from those that she?s putting the blame on everyone else, but IMO she?s not doing her dd any favours.

[bluejelly]

sounds like your friend is doing a bad job of parenting. Very tricky, don't really know what you can do...

[LyraSilvertongue]

Sounds like the mother is screwing the child up. Can you not have a quiet word with her? Make her see that blaming the school for everything that goes wrong won't help her dd?

[Heated]

We had our child protection training update yesterday and were reminded under emtotional abuse, the parent who insists their child is ill, will even convince the child that they are ill, even to the point the child ends up in hospital undergoing invasive investigative procedures.

Essentially it's parents, nearly always mothers, who are emotionally limited themselves and can only offer and get care and attention when they or they're child is ill/victim.

You imply that the toilet training issues are down to her aggressive and confrontational parenting and you are in all probability correct. The damage is becoming evident.

[Heated]

Ignore the bl00dy awful spelling - tired

[LoveAngel]

I can see why you are worried, and from what you've said, I do feel quite sorry for this little girl, BUT - I don't think it's helpful for people to start bandying around phrases like 'bad parenting', or talking about 'screwing the child up' or 'damaging' her. it sounds liek your friend doesn't allways cope very well with the stresses of parenting? perhaps she needs some more support? What is the situation at home like? Does she have a supportive partner, relatives, a network of friends?

[TotalChaos]

I sort of agree with LoveAngel. Clearly your friend sounds to be having difficulty coping - but could be for all sorts of reasons than having some sort of Munchausens by Proxy. Maybe she had an awful time at school herself, so overidentifies with her DD's problems. Maybe she had a difficult relationship with her parents. Or maybe she just has poor social skills full stop. Hopefully school or friends can nudge her in the right direction to get more support for herself/her DD. possibly HV or Surestart centre might be a good starting point?

[LyraSilvertongue]

But whatever issues the mother has, and she clearly has some, the effect is that it's having a negative impact on the child. That's what I meant when I said she was screwing the child up, not suggesting that the OP go and tell her friend this. Obviously a more subtle approach would be needed.