Are we selfish to think of having another child?

[madmumNika]

Ok not sure where best to post this, but it's really playing on my mind and would like to have some other people's thoughts.

We have DS (2.5) who was born 10 weeks prem due to my severe pre-eclampsia but who has thrived and is completely normal/healthy now, and we also have DD (4 months) who has cystic fibrosis (diagnosed after heel prick test). DD is currently very healthy but her diagnosis was a big shock as no history of CF either side...And she needs quite a bit of care to keep her healthy.

DP & I had always wanted 3 children and would still like to have one more in spite of everything (& would consider antenatal CVS tests for CF etc.) But when talking to my sister to whom I'm very close she thinks we are being selfish as have enough on our plates (she has no children). In a way I agree with her, but still feel I would like one more child. We are in no rush to TTC (DD is still so young!) but this is playing on my mind a lot.

Anyone been through complicated pregnancies or genetic issues and still had/wanted more children?

Thank you for listening to my rant xxx

[purpleduck]

Nope, you are not being selfish. You are the only one that knows what you are capable of, and if you and dh want another child, go for it. No matter how close you and your sister are, people cannot understand that urge until they have kids.
good luck, and happy baby making

[madmumNika]

Thank you for making me feel better

I think my sister is just worried for me in her own way, as she knows life can be tough for us at times... but can't it be for everyone? I know at times we have had a pretty bad run in terms of health of our DCs but no one ever knows what is around the corner... And I do still really want another child.

I was quite shocked the other day when my MIL also said "2 children is quite enough, especially as you have both a boy & a girl"! When I (foolishly) mentioned we may have one more in the future she also said "Is that wise?"? I know things haven't all been plain sailing but feel we are coping well. MIL occasionally looks after DS but only for a few hours every other week or so and we haven't relied on her much so it shouldn't impact on her really...?

Between my sister and MIL I have begun to feel bad about even considering having another baby

[madmumNika]

Meant to add having another baby wouldn't impact on my sister at all as we live in NI & she lives in S. England so don't see her that often (which I miss). And although we speak often on the phone & are close I certainly don't spend all our calls moaning about our life!!

[Fi33]

To use a cliche "life is too short".. If you have always wanted 3 and you feel you can manage and you can enjoy all 3 then you know what to do....

Fi33

PS. MIL are there to put a dampener on everything!!!

[tribpot]

I get this as well, from childfree friends. My dh is chronically ill, my ds is (touch wood) perfectly healthy. They think I am mad to be adding to my 'burdens in life' by ttc number 2.

My view is, yes - it will make my life more difficult in the short term. But I'm not prepared to let my dh's illness dictate our lives. As you say, no-one knows what's round the corner.

Good luck to you!

[PatsyCline]

It sounds to me like your family are all worried about you, but they're expressing it clumsily.

I agree that you have every right to have a third child. However, I have been in and out of hospital with my DD for the past couple of years and I quite simply couldn't have coped with preganancy or the demands of another baby, so I have made the decision that my family is now complete.

Are you in touch with other mums of children with CF? Could you talk to them about how much time/energy they have put into keeping their children healthy as they got older and how much time they spend in hospital? It might help you to decide whether having a third child would be a positive thing for you, your DP and your existing children.

Good luck with your DD. I hope that she continues to do well.

Patsy x

[pagwatch]

My DS1 has no issues but DS2 has severe ASD.
Dh and i had always thought we would like three kids for some reason.
DS2 IS severe and frankly his difficulties threw the whole 3rd child thing out of our minds for quite a while. i would never have coped and DS1 was pretty traumatized by what happened ( DS2 was developing absoloutely normally and then tregressed REALLY quickly and became very violent and difficult.
Anyway. DS2 has made fab progress and whilst he is still severe we were happy enough . DH raised issue of 3rd child again five years ago.
Our considerations had to include DS's.And we had to take seriously the ever present possibility that DC3 may have issues too. We had to consider would DS1 cope with another child with issues or another child at all. And would DS2 cope with the shared attention and could he be safe around a baby.
DS1 was 10 so we were able to have chats with him. We also had to be incredibly honest with ourselves and each other about how we would cope.
WE eventually decided to try and i became pregnant imediately. We had a DD.
this was 5 years ago and it remains the best decision we wever made for all of us. DD is so close to DS1 and he enjoyed having an average usual big brother relationship without any of the sensitivities of an SN sibling. DD is also a playmate to DS2 who even has developed big brotherly attitude. She has been a comfort and an inadvertent teacher to him. They are great together.

Sorry for long windedness but I would say that no, it is not selfish. As long as you really do consider every one who will be directly involved .
Best thing we ever did

[pagwatch]

And i would stress that timing is key. You have to let things settle and be sure you are not being niave or underestimating the time and emotional needs of other DC's

[gingerninja]

It's not selfish at all. Can't understand why she would think it would be TBH