For the first time as a parent I feel desperate, unable to cope, guilty and a tiny bit resentful (and therefore more guilty)

[artichokes]

DD is 14 months. Three weeks ago I left her with her Dad for a week while I went away with work. She was fine while I was gone, but since I have been back she totally freaks out when I leave the room and wants to be with me constantly - to the extent she will not even play with her Dad when I am around.

On my return I took a week off to be with her and we had fun but her sleep started to go down hill as she finds it so scary when I put her in the cot. She will go down at bedtime but if she wakes in the night she will not go back down. For the past two night she has been up since 3am.

Last week she went back to nursery and had to move to a new room with new carers. She hates it and screams all day. I see her point - I think her new room is chaotic and badly run. I cannot send her back there but I have to go to work next week.

DD is worried and insecure and exhausted. I am exhausted too - in addition to the lack of sleep she now wants to breast feed all the time (having been on one feed a day).

Next week DH has important exams and I have an important promotion interview. We both need to study but DD will not sleep or amuse herself for one minute. I feel so guilty. I am considering hiring a nanny (who I interviewed today and DD loved) who costs the same amount I earn. I am also considering not going for the promotion - partly because I am too tired and anxious to do the interview justice. I am even considering quitting work. I feel like crying when I look at her little haunted, tired face.

Help me. We are spiralling out of control.

[clandestine]

I think you need to take a great bit breath!

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out

There that feels better already doesn't it?

It sounds as if your being away upset your DD's routine and has made her feel a little bit more insecure than usual, although at her age separation anxiety isn't unusual.

The upheaval at the nursery won't be helping either.

I think you have three real choices to focus on:

1. Ask the nursery to move her back into the baby room until she is ready to make the move
   
   
2. Employ the nanny, go for the promo and get the salary increase which will help towards the nanny costs
   
   
3. Give up work and stay at home.
   
   Only you and your DH can decide which is best for you as a family.
   
   In the meantime, I think DH should work a lot on improving his bond with her - if she naturally comes to you when you are both around, then perhaps he can take her out to the park/swings/coffee shop/swimming pool/soft play. That should let you get a well-earned rest and let him work on his bond with her. Then perhaps tomorrow you can reverse it, you take her out while he gets on with his studying. A couple of hours respite from the situation will make a world of a difference to both of you.
   
   Good luck!

[fatslag]

I'm contributing more to bump your thread than anything else. You need help. I don't have much advice. My only thought is that even though the situation right now is horrible, this is a short term problem. By the time she is 3 she will have forgotten about this whatever you decide to do. However, not going for your promotion, quitting work or your DH failing his exams are things with long term implications.

Do you have a trusted relative or friend who could help out?

Sorry I can't be more help, but I think there must be people out there who have much more expertise than me. Come on, MNers!

[artichokes]

Thanks both of you. I disappeared because I realised if I had time to post I had time to study for my promotion. You are right, if I chuck that in then there will be severe long term ramifications from this blip (God I hope its a blip).

I am still stressed, I am still despairing, I still need help. However, I feel slightly more in control having spent a few hours studying my Department's strategic plan and risk register! DH took DD to the park for the afternoon to help me out. The thing is that as soon as they are out of sight of me she is so happy with him. I watched them from the window and they are great together. But when i am around she forgets that .

She is asleep now. I have to real hope that will remain the case until a decent time in the morning.

[phlossie]

Hello Artichokes. Your message brought a little tear to my eye! You obviously have a very strong bond with your daughter, it must be incredibly hard for you.
My 19 month old son is a mummy's boy - I haven't been back to work - and I have just had my 2nd baby so had to spend a couple of nights away from him. Now I'm home I have to spend more time breastfeeding my baby girl etc so less time playing with him.
We're coping in a couple of ways. First, we got my mum involved, who he loves. Second, as Clandestine said, my husband is getting more involved in bedtime routine, meals and the fun stuff like going to the park. Third we have certain routines and rituals that whoever looks after him can do - especially the bath, book, milk, bed routine.
While my son is still isn't quite himself, and his sleep isn't back to normal, he is getting better.
If you don't have family close by, then maybe finding a good childminder (cheaper than a nanny) would be worthwhile to forge that bond with someone other than you and your partner.
I'd also say offer her lots of reassurance but don't smother her - it's easy to try and over compensate because you feel guilty and there's no doubt that she'll pick up on your mood.
Don't feel guilty. Babies are very adaptable, and as long as you are calm and confident in how you deal with her, she will get used to the changes. If it helps, my little boy and most of my friends children have gone through wobbly phases regardless of changes in their lives.
You love your daughter and want the best for her, and that's all that matters in the end. It'll be fine in time. Just hold on in there. And if you can get support from close friends, family or your health visitor then do.
I hope that helps!

[WideWebWitch]

You need to sort out the sleep. Without decent sleep everything seems impossible and awful.

But I think there are several things here:

• sleep, no 1 to sort out imo
  
• childcare arrangements
  
• agreeing time with dh where you and he both get the time to do what you need to do.
  
  It's nothing to do with your going away imo, it's a normal time to get this separation anxiety, 14months.
  
  What do you do when she wakes at 3am? If you get up/take her downstairs stop doing it.
  
  The nanny cost or any childcare cost should come out of JOINT income, childcare isn't just YOUR problem, it's your AND Dh's problem.
  
  She's not 'haunted' you're being overdramatic! but lack of sleep does that to you I think! She probably is tired though due to the 3am thing
  
  So, stop feeling guilty, you and dh need to resolve the sleep issue, sort out your childcare arrangments, agree times for study and both go for your important stuff next week and do your best.
  
  Maybe it's a diff nursery you need?

[WideWebWitch]

Was being interrupted CONSTANTLY while typing that btw, sorry if it's disjointed as a result.

[dramaqueen]

Have you thought about a childminder rather than a nanny? SHe would then be cared for in a home environment with someone who is constantly with her?

I am not a cm but both my dc went to two fantastic cms during their 0-4 years. My ds was especially sensitive and would have hated being in a chaotic environment.

Think of the sleep problem as a separate issue, amke a plan and carry it through.

Go for the promotion and just get through next week. How about hiring the nanny for a few months to see you through a tough part of your lives?

[artichokes]

That is a really sweet post Phlossie - thank you. Unfortuatley my Mum passed away and I have no family nearby. DH's family are very close but apparantly too busy to help at the mo [hmmm]. Your advice about routines is spot on. Its how we have always tackled bedtimes and usually (but not at the mo)it means her dad can do everything when I need a break.


WWW is right - sleep needs to be our first priority. But I am at a loss for what to do. When she wakes in the night I go to her room, keep it dark and pick her up and shush her. She screams. I sit in the dark and BF her. She is fine. I gently get up and lower her back into cot. She screams blue murder and will be sick if I don't go back. I lie by her cot and pat her. She wimpers but is OK until I remove my hand. Even if she seems to be asleep the hand removing wakes her up. She screams.... If I lay her next to me in bed she romps around as if it is morning. What more can I do????

Before I go I feel I need to defend DH a bit here. He is great. He does loads with DD. When we are all home he does at least his 50%. She adores him but at the moment that adoration is overriden by her fear that I will disappear. This means the burden does fall on me as if she knows I am around she screams for me when DH goes to her - so at 3am we can all be up or I can hold her and she is immediatly silent. Also DH and I both put all our money into a joint account that we have equal access to so when I said nanny would cost what I earn I was simply trying to illustrate that it made a bit of a mockery of me going to work.

Thanks so much for your lovely posts.

[FrayedKnot]

Definitely speak to the nursery and see whetehr she can move back to her old group for a few weeks. Explain about her behviour at home.

Sleep - perhaps this goes against eveything you do but can you co-sleep or perhaps if you don't want to do that, can you put a mattress in ehr room and kip down on it for a few nihts if it makes her settle better

FWIW I never coslept with DS but once when he was ill at aorund 14 months DH & I took turns to cosleep as he just would not settle fora few nights

The good thing is at this age, phases come and go so quickly, I'm sure it won;t be long before she settles again.

Absoltely agree about taking turns to do things, if I want to get on with something at home, DH will take DS out to do something, and vice versa.

[dramaqueen]

My other thought was that it is a phase that will pass (the sleeping thing, I mean). It is easy to think that it will go on forever. Give yourselves a few weeks and you'll look back and realise how much better she is.

[FrayedKnot]

Sorry x posts about the co-sleeping

And please excuse typing!

[artichokes]

I have thought of a childminder, I looked for one before she ever started nursery, but was not lucky enough to find a good one. The nursery have refused my suggestion that DD might go back to the nursery room for a bit. Therefore I CANNOT send her back to the nursery. The nanny idea came up because I need care ASAP as neither DH or I can take time off next week. We need care on Monday and I found a good nanny who can start then. She costs though.

No idea what to do.

FrayedKnot - I wish co-sleeping was the answer. I have tried before but she finds our bed too exciting to sleep. Also she cannto lie near me without wanting to BF and I have never been able to sleep while she BFs.

[WideWebWitch]

God, it's a mare isn't it, lack of sleep. Start a thread specifically about that and see if you can work out a strategy. My dd didn't sleep through for ONE AND HALF YRS and I was crazed by the end of that (and working ft oth), I do know how it feels.

oh ok re the money, glad about that.

[WideWebWitch]

Why have they refused your suggestion? That seems v unreasonable to me. It sounds like you have the wrong nursery tbh.

But going with the nanny temporarily would sort our your immediate problem.

[dramaqueen]

Start the nanny, but tell her it is initially for a temporary period? If she is free now, she could probably do with the money anyway. That will buy you enough time to work out the long term answer. Also your dd will prbably settle down with her sleep when she is in her own home. If you get the promotion you will be able to have some money spare .

[artichokes]

I have got the wrong nursery. I sort of knew that before, but the lead carer in the baby room was so good that I pushed my concerns to the back of my mind. The rest of the nursery is a disgrace.

I think the nanny is the only solution short term but I will ask her if we can have a temp contract to start with. If I get the promotion and she is good we can keep her... .

[fizzbuzz]

Artichokes, can only offer sympathy.

My dd 14 months is exactly the same. Screams when anyone leaves her, screams at night, and won't sleep in our bed as she gets giddy.

[artichokes]

How do you get her back to sleep FizzBuzz? Can I ask if anything triggered her getting like this? Did you leave her or anything? Could it really just be a 14 month thing as opposed to something I did to her????

[fizzbuzz]

Have just gone through this thread again. My dd is like this, and I don't think you are being over dramatic at all. I know just what it is like.
It is definitely separation anxiety, my dd screams if I leave the room. She even screamed in the car when dp went to pay for petrol

[trockodile]

If the nanny is any good could you consider a nanny share in the long term? I think you pay her a little more to compensate extra hassle but cheaper to you. Good luck!

[fizzbuzz]

Hope things are better artichoke. My dd awake from 4-6.00am, screaming most of the time...Hope you had a better night

[artichokes]

No better FizzBuzz. She lulled us into a false sense of hope by going down without a whimper last night (sounds good but she had been awake, without a nap, from 5am-7pm so was utterly knackered). Then she woke from 10-11pm and from 3.30am she would only sleep if on the breast. I cannot sleep properly while breast feeding so was pretty much awake from 3.30am.

Am so, so , so tired. I cannot work out how to tackle this.

Don't you just want to despair sometimes?

[florenceuk]

TBH I would cut out the BF - even though it calms her, it is just making it harder and harder. At 14mths she doesn't need the food, and you don't want her to see it as the key source of comfort (sorry there will be some AP advocates who will immediately jump up and say I'm wrong). But you will feel much much better if you sleep. After DH has got through his exams, can he take over the night duty? If you are unhappy over childcare then I would swap until you have a chance to find a more suitable nursery. My childcare costs mean that I earn about £1 an hour net - but I see these things longer term.

[fizzbuzz]

Yes, me and dp frequently despair. However you do get sort of used to it, just feel crap and knackered all the time.

I have long ago adjusted my expectations to not having a good nights sleep, and resigned myself to being exhausted all the time, but as I said, when it goes on and on, it almost feels normal.

[ipanemagirl]

kids are tougher than we think. Just get through this time. She has loving parents.
All shall be well.

Do you leave her crying and let her cry herself to sleep?

I don't think many parents survive a child that manipulates every single waking moment. They are extremely brilliant at it.

She needs you to be ok so do what you need to be ok. Then she'll fall in with that.

IMO!!