Advice from mothers getting child support etc...

[PregnantGrrrl]

My SIL is due in November, and the father is a brief boyfriend she had.

Although they are on ok terms, and he has an ok job, he is quite mean with money. She has bought cot, pram etc, and let him know how much it cost her so he could pay half, but heard nothing for ages. When she did, he didn't give her half, he gave less. (He can def afford it)

With regards to after the baby comes, he says he will pay her so much a week, but he wants the baby overnight one weekend a fortnight, and that week he'll give her less money. She'll be paying for childcare when she wants to go back to work aswell.

I told her i think she should do everything officially through CSA and let them sort it, incase he lets her down and there's nothing to show what (if anything) has been paid.

Also, he has no baby experience at all- when he met DS he was terrified, and DS was already walking etc- but he expects the baby to be handed over to him.

Does anyone have any experience of anything like this? I don't want her to get let down, or them to fall out big time, and i can't really offer any advice in this area.

[InMyHumbleOpinion]

No overnight visits. That's insane. Baby doesn't know him. Baby will need overnight feeds. Presumably he doesn't lactate?

No fluctuating child support. Children to not halt wear on their clothes when they vist their dad. Their mother still has to provide a bedroom, she cannot move into a bedsit one day a fortnight.

Contact CSA pronto, vbecause they will take at least 6 months to sort out, and DON't tell him because he sounds the sort who would happily quit a job to avoid paying.

[PregnantGrrrl]

that's another thing- she wants to breastfeed, and he knows NOTHING about what babies do / need.

i did i thought that the reality of actually looking after the child might change his mind- i think he thinks it'll be a bit like a doll, not a crying, pooing mess.

he's only just stopped insisting on being at the birth and choosing the name. he's settled for insisting on being at the hospital and coming straight in after the birth.

[peskipixie]

you cant use the argument that he has never looked after a baby before, lots of parents havent. i have been through court a few times and it really isnt pleasant, def a last resort so its best to keep him sweetish if possible. i do think it would be wise to get everything written down, if he is paying make sure he always does it by cheque or bank transfer (and put that in writing) so he cant say he has been paying cash. she will eventually have to let him have the child overnight so maybe dangling the carrot to let him know she will do eventually will help, but agree he shouldnt have a bf baby overnight. contact should be frequent short visits rather than one long one, it quantitiy that counts with babies. so another reason to stay on good terms as they could go out together for the day or do something a bit more pleasant than just hanging around. i really dont know about paying for the cot etc, did he get to choose them? she might get a maternity grant to pay for that stuff or second hand is cheaper. she cant decide on her own and expect him to pay up, he needs to be allowed an opinion

[Lorayn]

Firstly, I expect these demands to change once he meets his child!!! The thought of him having the baby overnight is almost laughable, I had a friend in a similar situation, her HV told her not to allow baby to stay out overnight straight away and even wrote her a letter to give to her solicitor recommending no overnight visits for the first 6 months.

I would say get the CSA involved, but IME they are rubbish!! I think down to them I received about 6 payments in total, exdp hasnt paid a penny since (not that I particularly want his money anymore, the least he has to do with them the better).

Has she looked into tax credits?? It may be that she doesnt have to pay for childcare, or will at least get a percentage paid towards it, what with being a single parent etc.

Try this site to see if she is entitled to anything.

(sorry, am just assuming you live in the uk)

[PregnantGrrrl]

he's said he's taking his 2 weeks paternity aswell, but she's unsure what to do. she doesn't know whether it's unreasonable to not let him be there all day, every day for 2 weeks. who wants to spend 2 weeks with someone you aren't with, when it's a newborn. they aren't exactly that entertaining are they?!

i totally understand that he has to be allowed to have baby overnight at some point, but a breastfeeding newborn that he has no concept of it's needs

so, is it agreed that paying less for the week where there's an overnight visit isn't right? and CSA better than 'agreement' with a stingy fella?

[nappyaddict]

no overnight stays early on. maybe when baby is a month old or so baby could stop overnight and he could give ebm. you say he knows nothing about babies. well i didn't know anything about babies when i had ds. no one said oh you can't have your baby overnight you don't know what you're doing. he's got to learn somehow!!
i agree with getting csa involved.

[Lorayn]

yes, CSA would be better, and as for the less maintenance during over night visits, it is a ridiculous notion. She shouldn't entertain it, he isn't a babysitter that she has to pay for his services.

[PregnantGrrrl]

peskiepixie- re the baby items. he said he was going to buy them, then nothing appeared, so she bought them herself and waited for him to respond, he didn't, so she finally said 'right, they cost this much, so half is £xxx' And she hardly bought designer gear.