Do you think our kids are what we make them?

[NAB3]

DD just told tales on DS1. I figure she has learnt it off her older brother. Where has he learnt it from? Are the 100% a product of the way we are with them or is there more to it than that, and nothing we can do about it?

[Lazycow]

Nature vs Nurture eh??

Well I don't suppose anyone really knows.

Personally - my ds was made that way when he misbehaves and is the product of my amazing parenting when he behaves well

[NAB3]

of course.

[jellybelly25]

I reckon its about 70% nurture 30% nature

based on nothing in particular

[unicorn]

No, I think they come into this world with their own blueprint/personality - some are more pliable than others (and nurture can prove more effective in these cases)

[DiscoFever]

how much are you like your parents? i am nothing like my mother but more like my father.

[slim22]

I think it's mainly nurture.

[winnie]

No. I think we are all partly products (yuk) of our society, partly products of our parents/how we are raised but also we all have our very own personalities that home environment/society impacts on but does not ultimately change.

[Carmenere]

I believe that a child is born with a unique personality and that shapes how they deal with the outside influences they encounter.

[ShrinkingViolet]

when they're great, then it's my fantastic nurturing skills; when they are driving me up the wall, then it's down to genetics and is all DH's fault.

[quickdrawmcgraw]

God I hope not when I see dd getting into strops and throwing things.
I think you have a big influence over somethings like tidiness, manners etc but not things like their personality.

[melontum]

God I hope not because I need some way to duck out of full responsibility for DS's most appalling outbursts....

I think it's 50-50 nature-nurture, just looking at how different mine are from each other. They are close in age but have opposite traits and traits that neither DH nor I have (but might be taking after DH's granny's character, that kind of thing).

Example: DD bites her nails since before she was 2... no one else in family does. I have NO IDEA where she picked it up from. Maybe someone at nursery where she went 2 days/week until age 15 months? Or could it be hard-wired?

[slim22]

oops!
If only we had a parenting guide on how to best bring out the true nature of our children!
Unfortunately we don't and as adults we either compromise with our true self or struggle with all sorts of heartaches and mental problems if we try to break free and find our true calling.

What we can do: love them and trust their choices and help and protect when those choices are not the wisest.

[jellybelly25]

very wise.

i think its very difficult to tell though... say you have a child who has all the genetic properties that mean he/she could be a fantastic ballet dancer. If their parents never take them to ballet lessons they will never fulfil that potential and probably never even know they had it.

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

Before I had children I thought it was all nurture - now that I have children it is much more nature than I ever thought it could be. I see so much of myself and dh and gp's, aunts, uncles etc. in my children.

The nurture element is important because it means children can fulfill the potential they have (or not) according to the opportunities their upbringing gives them. So I do not think our input as parents etc. is immaterial it is essential.

[NAB3]

I don't think I am anything like either of my parents except in looks but I wasn't brought up by them so I am not sure there characteristics would figure. I am definitely the product of my (awful) background though.

[slim22]

jelly belly and bigmouth, couldn't agree more.
Nurture it is and unfortunately, it is very difficult as parents not to project our own ambitions (sometimes failed) on them.

[AussieSim]

I am reading a book by Lionel Shriver called 'We need to talk about Kevin' which really makes you think about the nature/nuture issue. The other factor I think about is the hormones swimming around your baby during pregnancy. If you read the book Brain Sex there have been interesting studies which show that extreme stress like being in prison or a famine have an impact on the brain of the fetus ...

I had a woman tell me once that my DS1 is the reserved cautious boy he is because of the stress I was under during his pregnancy (not prison/famine or extreme) and my DS2 is the way he is i.e., easy-going, sunny, adventurous, because I was much happier and relaxed during his pregnancy. I am not too keen on this theory - there are enough things to feel guilty about as a mother aren't there?

[slim22]

yes there are!!!!!
What is this conspiracy to make women feel guilty about everything?????

I read lionel shriver's book too. Chilling.

[MyTwopenceworth]

To a certain extent, yes.

There are the genetic elements and the parental guidance and example.

But there are also other people who influence them, school, friends, general life - their experiences shape them too.

I think that as parents we give them their foundation. But the building (the adult) is made up of bricks from us, other relatives, friends, random strangers, life experience, the tv.........

That is why it is so important that parents give their children a strong, solid, good foundation. We gather bricks from all over the place, our whole lives, and we must have a strong base or our building will be wonky, liable to subsidence, or may even fall down!