How to instill positive values into your children?

[wobblyknicks]

How do you go about instilling positive values into your kids - especially ones that you have that you would like them to have too, but that you only got through 'negative' means.

For example you might have a strong character because you'd been bullied at school, and you'd obviously like your children to have that character too but without being bullied.

Ok, you can lead by example and hope they pick it up but any other ideas?

[Chuffed]

sorry no ideas wobblyknicks but really curious to find out what others say.

[marthamoo]

Blimey, wk - that's a heavy question for 5 past 10 on a weeknight. Good one though - I will give it some thought and post tomorrow, especially as I am constantly worried sick about ds1's shyness - and having been a painfully shy child myself - would like to help him not to be.

[wobblyknicks]

lol mm - I thought so too but am on my way to bed so thought I'd leave everyone else with some heavy stuff!!!

[pixiefish]

I think it's through example- don't children learn what they live? may be wrong but I'm going to try it like this- the kids at school respond better to praise than criticism (as difficult as it is to find something to praise sometimes)

Children learn what they live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

[joanneg]

WK - the only way I can think of is by introducing them to as many positive influences and different people and role models as you can. Or instance I think that something like sunday school, scots, brownies things like that teach a good sense of purpose. I think spending time with good role models helps.

Also spending time to talk to kids about things.
I think that this make them feel important and allows you to pass on things you have learnt.

I know that you learn from your experiences, but I think giving children a safe, happy place to come and lots of people in their life can help in hard times.

I have had a couple of glasses of wine and am rambling for dear life and now not making any sense so will go!!

[soapbox]

I'm not really sure that you can. I think that its the struggle itself that makes them seem positive to you IYSWIM.

Each generation will have its own struggles - by and large therefore I think the positive things that they value will be different from those that you value, because they will have lived a different life. Mostly, of course because of the things that were important to you.

E.g. my mother was a SAHM (and I don;t want to get into any debates on teh virtues of one versus the other), I would say that much of my struggle, and therefore the way I view myself has been based around managing the sometimes impossible task of having both a challenging career and a family. I view that aspect of my life positively. Now my DD will grow up with a mother who works outside the home - she will never really be able to recreate that struggle, so she probably won;t value it - it will at best just be the norm for her. What is quite likely in fact is that her struggle will be to do something different again - e.g. find new ways of combining motherhood and employment, perhaps not work at all, perhaps not have children at all, perhaps be ... well whatever.

In your case - your children will probably not grow up with bullying, (as you will no doubt be very alert to it happening) but they may very well grow up confident and strong anyway by copying you. However, because that is all they've ever known, they won't value it in the same way as you do because they haven;t struggled to achieve it!

I think what I have taken a long time to say is that we probably don;t value that which comes easily to us.

God that was a waffle wasn't it

[pixiefish]

joanneg- i think sunday school is important as well- i'm not a religious nutter or anything but i do think it did us a lot of good in teaching us basic Christian values and how to behave

[winnie1]

Brainwashing!

Seriously though consistant and repeated actions and words. I have found that my daughter at fifteen stands out from her peer group as being different because she has taken on board values and beliefs that I have. She is very different from me, she has her own opinions and articualtes them but fundamentally her value system is the same and as a lefty, vegetarian feminist whose own family is the opposite to me my daughter truly has heard every side of the coin because they have endeavoured to show her how wrong mummy is!

[kinkipinki]

I have been reading everyone's input and funnily it is something a friend and I touched on today. We were taking about how our children view us. I said that sometimes when my dd comes to me for help, I imagine looking through her eyes at me and if I live up to her expectations, i,e. mummy can make it all better!! Do I say and do what she needs to come out of the situation in a positive way?? I hope that by making her feel loved and secure, as someone else said, that she will. It is hard when we as a generation of mums tend to question our every action and its effect on our kids!! I joked that sometimes I wish I could switch that button off, or be naiive and life/parenting would be easier. My friend made the comment U cant unlearn what you have learned!!! So true!! I console myself by saying, 1.I think more about HOW to bring my kids up than my parents ever did and 2. I try my best!
This is my first time joining in a thread so I hope what I have said makes sense to someone ??!!?

[winnie1]

Of course I've just contradicted myself by saying that I grew up in an enviroment very different from my value system (but I am the exception )

[SueW]

The Manipulative Child book that's been recommended elsewhere on musnet talks about the importance of family values - I think basically standards which exist in a family which all adhere to. Can't find my copy at the moment but I really enjoyed the book.

[wobblyknicks]

Thanks everyone!

soapbox - thats a brilliant point - I suppose she will naturally grow up with personal characteristics depending on the struggles she has to go through. My mum left my sister, and then me in childcare to work f/t because she openly admits she couldn't be a mum all the time else it'd drive her crazy. And because I wasn't all that happy with one childminder (although one was lovely) and wasn't that happy at school, that makes me cautious about putting dd anywhere and makes me happier as a SAHM even though it definitely isn't my nature. Like you say, dd might grow up and have to combine the 2.

I hadn't really thought of the fact that the characteristics I value deeply will probably not be the ones dd values because she hasn't had to work for them.

winnie1 - I'm not sure if you are the exception really, I've turned out with some very different values to my parents even though they tried to make the 'right' environment. Eg, they are both Christians and raised me in a Christian environment, hoping I'd be Christian. But because I knew all about it from the word go, it's left me with no curiosity in it and seeing the 'flaws from the inside. So now I'm a self confessed agnostic trying to learn about all forms of spirituality. Much to my parents disappointment!!

pixiefish - thanks for that list, had seen it before but forgotten about it - it's really true, if you show positive values I suppose that automatically leaves your kids with those values.

kinkipinki - that made perfect sense thanks (melsy's got some competition for insightful sister!! ). As a generation of mums who question everything, maybe we'll do 'better' in some ways than other generations because we don't let ourselves rest on our laurels. I k now what you mean about looking through your kids eyes - I already find myself telling myself off on dd's behalf when I haven't handled something perfectly!!

suew - thanks I'll have a look out for that.

[Mo2]

WK - I often think about this - esp. with regard to DS1 who has just started school.

I think there are so really good points here already.
For me it's also about trying to share observations with your kids and discuss 'different outcomes' if a child's behaviour is different. It seems that a lot of DS1's reading books have a 'moral' message to them e.g. if the children hadn't fought over it the toy wouldn't ahve got broken; as one child did a favour, the other did one back etc etc.

We often spend a few minutes after reading talking about the "what ifs" and what the alternative outcomes could be.

The book, "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" gave me some useful insights into how to have discussions with kids without it seeming as if you're just telling them what to do, IYSWIM.....

HTH
Mo2

[stickynote]

I think the idea of "Do unto others..." is a good one to emphasise to kids e.g. if ds hits dd1 I'll say "would you like it if someone did that to you?" and of course the answer is "no", but I want him (and the others) to go through that thought process automatically in later life IYSWIM.

Another thing which my friend's mum said to her, which struck a chord, was to do every job to the best of your ability and take pride in your work, so if you end up as a toilet cleaner, make sure yours are the cleanest, shiniest toilets ever . I thought that was a pretty positive way of looking at things.

[Cam]

I definitely don't agree that this "generation" of parents questions how to bring their children up more than previous ones. The values I am passing on to my children are the same ones I learned from my parents. In fact, my parents were in some ways far less selfish than I am. Agree that outside organisations such as Sunday school, Brownies etc can help to reinforce good positive moral values in our children.