Have 1 baby and husband says "Dont want anymore children" - how do I change is mind?!

[Bennj]

Hi,

We have a 14 month old son who is the most fabulous little thing!

I really want another baby in a few years as I dont want an only child and I want to be pregnant again and grow our family.

My husband is totally off this idea and has said he doesnt want anymore children, not even in a few years.

This is really upsetting for me! Is anyone else in this situation or has anyone got any advise for me to be able to make his see the light?!

Thanks

[themoon66]

Well, it's not like you are asking for a baby right now, this instant, is it? Give him a year or two and he may change his mind. A 14 month old is very different to a 3 or 4 year old, who he can relate to and interact more with.

[walbert]

Tell him you don't want any more years of marriage: the number you've had is enough!! Alt, if you and dh both have siblings you could go down line of reason that as you both have siblings you quite fairly presumed your child would have a sibling, go on about how they help bring each other up, if you've saved your baby clothes, rockers, mobiles, toys etc point out the cost won't be as much, and try the mexican standoff, just say 'well, i intend to have another child and soon won't be taking the pill' and see what sort of reaction you get! But has your dh said why no more kids?

[xXxamyxXx]

have to agree 14 months is a big differance to even a 2 year old he may change his mind as time goes by and ds is less work and a lot more fun

[allgonebellyup]

i dont believe in trying to make people change their minds about how many kids they want! it could all end in resentment??

[Bennj]

Thanks for the advise. We have kept all the baby clothes so Walbert, I will be using the money isue when we talk about trying for another baby!!

The main reason he has given me is that a new baby would never be like our son who he loves so much. I think he feels like he wouldnt love another or he doesnt know how to love another?...!

I would never make him have another baby or push him into it I just know how much he would enjoy it. Fingers crossed!!

[Wisteria]

I had real issues over worrying that I would never love another baby as much as dd1 bu that feeling completely disappears once they are there.

Wait until 2-3yr old always needs to 'play' with him then bring it up that so and so's children always play together.

[binkleandflip]

some friends of mine had a baby last november - in April we were discussing more babies and he stated flatly that he definately did not want anymore children - neither of them knowing she was already pregnant and is due in november again!

He says he'll get his head around it eventually....

[lulumama]

a lot of parents worry they won;t love another child as much as they one they already have especially if they have another of the same gender...

but maternal/ paternal love is not limited, it is a bottomless pot of love.. and increases as you have more children...

each child will bring something new and wonderful to your lives

if that is his main reason for not wanting another child, it might be possible to talk him round, though i would avoid putting huge pressure on him, it is a big decision.

[NAB3]

you can't make him change his mind. he has to want a baby as much as you do.

[Amethyst8]

Was in the same boat. DH said he was happy with one. I was not. Obviously whoever gets what they want the other may suffer greatly. My DH was sure that he didnt and I was sure that I did. In the end I told him that as when we got together we had discussed children and not a child, he was changing the parameters so I would have to think about my position with regard to our relationship as it was not the one I had entered in to. Was not black mail. I really meant it. One person can not have total say in such a decision. We left it that for a while without any nagging from me and he decided that he wanted another as he thought DS would be lonely as an only child.

However I suppose you could call that playing hard ball and I wouldn't recommend it but he at that time made a lot of the major decisions in our relationship and I didnt feel he should make this one alone on the basis of having kids being "hard work" when with me being a SAHM with him working very long hours. Its not like he was doing much anyway.

[Nat1H]

I would just get pregnant! I did this both times and we are all still together and very happy!

[Bennj]

Wow Amethyst8! Thats strong stuff but I feel as though I need to say exactly the same thing to him!

Have you had another baby now? What age was your first before he changed his mind?

Thanks for your message, it really helps!

[LaDiDaDi]

Before we had dd dp and I always talked about having two or three dc. Once we had dd dp suddenly decided that he didn't want any more. I felt very let down but understood that he had his reasons, lots of hard work and dd and I were very ill when I had her and I know he worries about this happening again, something that is a very real possibility.

Gradually, as dd has got older and more interacyive I think that he is starting to think that having another dc wouldn't be a bad idea after all. The other night, when he was a bit tipsy, he even said "ok, let's haveanother, but not until dd is two". I was ecstatic as I don't really want another until she is three so I hope that he has really come round to the idea.

I think dp needed to let the memories of the stress he felt at the time of dd's birth fade and also that he had to realise that his life had changed irrevocably by having dd and that even if we didn't have anymore his lifestyle had still changed forever. These issues, together we dd's development into an interesting child rather than a baby, are, I think, the reasons why he has changed his mind.

[JiminyCricket]

Spend time with people who have two close together...It makes you realise how lovely it is.

[Bluestocking]

Just to play devil's advocate, I have to say I completely understand where your husband is coming from. I have one son who's now 3.6 and I'm completely contented just to have him. When I see people with more than one child, with all the inevitable sibling rivalry and screeching and whacking lumps out of each other that goes on, I just think why on earth would anyone have more than one? I love babies, and it's a little sad to know that I'll never be pregnant, or breastfeed a newborn, ever again; but for me the pluses massively outweigh the minuses.

[Amethyst8]

Bennj

Glad to help. DS was 2 1/2 when DH changed his mind and yes we have a 1 yo DD now, we are still together and so glad that we had her.

I do think that it got easier as DS got older. Sometimes think that men struggle with the newborn and baby stages. Not really a great deal for them to do. I BF as well so until DS was older he didnt get the chance to even feed him. We have talked about it since and he admits that he had trouble grasping that DS was going to grow up and he was going to be able to interact with him. He said he loved DS and would have done anything to protect him but didnt feel like he KNEW him. It was like me and him were a unit that he couldnt quite join. When DS started talking and wanting his Dad I think that is when DH started to really see what it was all about. I used to make up songs and talk the usual baby nonsense talk to DS and DH even said that he felt a bit useless because he didnt know how to do that .

Anyway I think thats how it worked for us. I don t regret saying that I would have to consider whether I wanted to stay in the relationship if there was to be no more kids because I really meant it. I wasn't playing games. When he only wanted one after originally saying 2 or 3 it made me feel like he had tried it and thought well it's ok but I don t think I need to do it again - a bit like trying golf or something. It felt like a half measure to me. Either you want a full family with me or you don t and if you don t then maybe I need to find someone who does. I know some will probably disagree with that but thats how I felt.

Sorry to go on but I know how you feel. I felt really sad and helpless and a bit trapped that something I wanted so much and thought was the right thing for DS as well was being decided for us by someone else.

Am campaigning for number 3 as we speak! .

[Haylstones]

My dh used to be like this. It wasn't so much that he didn't want another but dd was really hard work for the first year and he suffered a lot with stress (mainly work related but stressed out wife and new baby didn't help). I think he was worried about how having another would affect him and us (we have no family nearby so nobody to fall back on). However, after a while he started to get his head round it- I didn't put any pressure on him, just made it clear that I wanted another at some point and the older they get the 'easier' they are- and I fell pg last Oct when dd was 2.9. It was a surprise to both of us and we were gutted when I had a mc but after a few months we decided to try again and I'm now expecting no.2 (due Feb). What I'm trying to say in a round about way is that you have plenty of time, you don't have to have a small age gap- we'll have over 4 years- but if it happens at a time that is right for BOTH of you it will be OK

[NAB3]

nat1H You are crazy! making someone become a parent without a proper say is not fair. You were lucky it worked out. You could easily have ended up a single parent.

[bubblagirl]

i am in exactly the same situation have 1 ds 2.4 and we always said we would have 2 children untill i bought the subject up agin and he said he thought id leave if he said he didn't want more

i was so upset but how do you force someone to have another baby if you have baby and he really doesn't want another baby it could ruin relationship i would never trap him

that would be soo unfair on him instead i have stopped thinkingf asbout having another child and just concentrating on my son and what will be will be but deep down i'm pissed off he lied to me as thought he wanted same things as me

[Jackstini]

Bennj - what was the agreement when you got together/got married? Have you always talked about having more than one or not?
(Guess I am trying to establish who is changing the boundaries before I comment!)

[PregnantGrrrl]

you can't make him have another if he really doesn't want one- how would you feel knowing the child was only half wanted? What if he was trying to make you have another child when you weren't up for it? It could harbour lots of resentment in the future too.

I think it's early days- he may well change his mind on his own. When i met DH he didn't have any interest in having kids. After a few years we decided to have DS, and DH said 'only one'...then when he saw DS it was 'only 2', and i'm expecting DS2 soon. He has said no more after this- and i agree!- but i never had to force him to change his mind.

Enjoy your little one for now- because he is still very little- and wait and discuss it again in a year or two. You never know!

[Bennj]

Thank you for all your responses!

Its nice to know that some people are in the same boat as me and its great to hear the "success" stories of having another baby!!

Jackstini - We knew we would get married and have children but we never said how many! Its only since our son arrived that I have thought I would prefer not to have an only child -I would love a brother or sister for him and as I love my sisters so much I don't want him to miss out on this part of life.

What do you think?!

[Wordsmith]

When my DS was 14 months old there was no way I wanted another one! However, when he was 4, we did. It's great to have a sibling but I wouldn't presume he'll automatically be lonely and miss out on anything. Just see how it goes...

[oopsiedoopsie]

I wasn't convinced about a 2nd child, but have bitten the bullett and we are expecting our 2nd in April, DD will be 15 months by then, it was semi planned so they would grow up together.

No more after that though, no way