My daughter is being excluded by 2 v nasty mums. Please help!!!!!!

[jogym]

My DD had a scrap with a friend a few weeks ago which resulted in her being left with a 2 inch scratch mark on her chest. I was not pleased about this and told her not to play with this girl until she said sorry. I tried to find out what happened and DD said that she just lashed out at her when they were playing pretend fights. She has two brothers. They said they didn't want to play any more and this is when it happened. I asked her to go up and ask this girl to come and speak to me. She wouldn't but burst into tears instead. The mother did not come to see me and I just let it go. I told my DD that she was not to play in my neighbour's house when this other girl was there. My next door neighbour has a 9 year old daughter who my DD has played with constantly. They were inseperable. My neighbour said that this girl's mother said her daughter also had a scrape on her wrist so I asked what happened and she said she accidentally stood on her hair. Her two brothers were there when it happened so I brought them over and asked them. They said their sister went mad when my DD accidentally stood on their sister's hair and she went for her and my DD hit back. After this I received a call from the mother to say how dare I question her children when she wasn't there and what age was I, was I a child for not letting her in my neighbour's when her daughter was there. She said she saw what happened and my DD hit out first. She is absolutely lying as my DD said she was in the kitchen cooking and then out talking to a neighbour. In fact when this little incident happened, one of the girl's brothers took my DD to the mother to let her see what her daughter had done! <br /> <br /> With a result of this v heated conversation in which I put the phone down and told her she had shown her true colours this mother has started to exclude my daughter by inviting my neighbour's daughter and my neighbour up to her house as she knows I don't allow my daughter there. She even had her children call for my DD and then after ten minutes leave her in the street while they went up to their house. <br /> <br /> I am v angry and am not speaking to my neighbour any more. One reason being that when they moved in just over a year ago they practically took over my daughter's life. She is quite a forward person, the type that walks into your home etc. She is separated from her husband and her 9 year old daughter can be v difficult, always needing entertained, always needing someone to play with. They were constantly over at our door the second they got out of the car, inviting my daugher for her tea, taking her places. We never seen her and it was quite a difficult time as we didn't know how to handle the situation. I am angry that my neighbour used her to entertain her own daugher and now is throwing her to the side now this other mum has got her claw's in. I know this sounds all petty but I really feel for my little girl because she doesn't understand why this is happening. This other mum is being v devious. She is taking my daughter's friend away from her as best she can. This never happened before I had the phone call. I am annoyed that my neighbour is not seeing what this other woman is doing and has made a fool out of us. Her daughter actually came over to my daughter the other night and said ***'s mum rang us at my granny's to invite us up to her house so I'm going up there but I can play with you tomorrow night if you want`. We are now not on speaking terms. My husband went nuts when this happened and said that now as far as he's concerned they don't exist. How dare they make a fool of my daughter.

Maybe this all sounds pretty petty but it's actually quite upsetting. I feel for my daughter and worry that this (bullying by this mother which is what it really is) will affect her in any way. She has been v quiet and is just playing on her computer. Please help me someone with this problem.

[Tortington]

you need out of school activities

[newlifenewname]

Yes, definitely find some friends away from your street!

[Lumos]

I agree with the other replies. Although this is obviously upsetting for you and your daughter, the sooner she has other activities to ocupy her time she can move on and have less time to spend with this other girl. Its very difficult when they are neighbours. Does your dd go to school with this child?

[GrumpyOldHorsewoman]

Agree - find other activities away from the neighbours and let your DD make a new group of friends she can actually have some fun with.

[jogym]

This neighbour's girl goes to a different school as does the other. She has plenty of other friends from school who just live up the hill but the thing is we didn't see many of them the whole summer and I don't want to now suddenly start that as they might think why all of a sudden. I suppose the schools have started back so that could be the reason. My DD was due to start Brownies with these two girls. As a result I have asked her if she would like to join GB instead as she knows 2 girls in her class go. Also we have swimming lessons which were Monday night but have been changed to Tuesdays during the afternoon which is the day I am off so I have no problem taking her there. I would want to avoid the others though. My DD couldn't do anything without this neighbours daughter. She came along to Rainbows and swimming with us when they started up again everywhere.

[bubblagirl]

you say the other children might think why now but it makes no difference when she starts playing with them get her to play with her other friends

that way sheis not in doors palying computer missing the only friends she used to play with start by inviting some of her other firnds round it will do your daughter the world of good friends come in and out of each others lives so i'm pretty sure they are not going to be sttting there saying why now they will be pleased to finally play together your daughter will soon be back to her old self

i remmber falling out with friends you need to incourage her to play more with the others or she will feel she hasn't any friends at all help start the new frindship by inviting round for tea and her going to there houses

[minorityrules]

your first thought was to ban your child from playing with this girl until you get an apology. You didn't go to the parents but tried to speak to little girl and made her cry? Why is your reaction any different?

To say your daughter can't play with neighbour if girl is there is putting pressure on your neighbour who had nothing to do with it, if the neighbour had agreed to your demands, the other girl would have been excluded by 2 parents (you and neighbour) Where's the difference?

Children fight, not nice but it happens, it doesn't have to be the end of friendships and usually isn't. Most make up within a few days. You said the boys agreed your daughter accidently trod on girls hair? Well that hurts and while it isn't right, I can see why she lashed out.

I'm sorry, but I think you are to blame for this situation, the girls prob would have sorted it themselves by now and all playing together

[StarryStarryNight]

It is amazing how a small inconsequential fight/squibble between children gets out of hand when adults starts being political and meddling.

You were happy to let the neighbour be your daughters after school club and free childminder, and now that a squibble has taken place on her premises you start banning children from houses and friends?

FGS!
Yes, it is petty. Let the kids deal with it, and make up, themselves. Go apologise to your neighbour and the other mum for being OTT.

[nightshade]

i think your daughter is appearing so withdrawn due to the fact that her mother is making a mountain out of molehill.

you and your partner have left her with no way out or chance to resolve the situ. herself. you need to now teach her ow to eat humble pie and 'make up' after a disagreement. this is likely to benefi her more in the long run, than showing her how to dig your heels in and avoid situations.

[elesbells]

it always amazes me how a kids fight turns into an adult one.

bet your bottom dollar in a couple of weeks the kids will be friends, whilst the adults are rolling around on the floor, pulling each others hair out.

[jogym]

First of all Minorityrules the mother saw the marks on my little girl and didn't have the decency to come down to me. I did not make her little girl cry I didn't see or speak to her, she cried because she knew she'd done wrong and would get in trouble for it which her mother doesn't seem to have taught her to apologise for harming others. And am sorry to say but if someone trod on my daughter's hair (by ACCIDENT) I would not expect her to lash out and leave a mark on another child, if she did she would be told off. You think those actions are justified. You are SO wrong.

Starrystarrynight. I was by no means HAPPY for my neighbour to be my daughter's childminder. In fact I hated it she was being so forward. Am afraid it's the other parents doing not mine. This mother is now playing a game because of our argument. SIMPLE AS THAT.

[LoveAngel]

agree with nightshade

[StarryStarryNight]

Jogym.

You seem to have it all worked out. Why post? What were you hoping to achieve?

[ellis65]

I had similar experience with so-called friend, when her kids made up lies, blaming my son. I have totally stopped talking to her, but i'm sorry to say it has really badly affected my son, he is so scared to even say her name, let alone walk to school or play outside incase she is about. You dont need friends like her, get some new ones.

[minorityrules]

If I fell out with people everytime one of my kids got a mark on them, I'd have no friends!

This is what kids do and most parents step back and let the kids deal with it

A scratch isn't the end of the world, play fighting quite often ends in tears and a few marks. Maybe you should tell your daughter not to partake in any pretend fighting in future

Those boys sound like the gave an impartial view....hair trod on, girls lashes out, daughter hits back, sounds like very normal child behaviour to me

You are the one turning it into more, the other parent sounds like she was happy to forget but you have got neighbours involved and stopped your daughter from playing with her friends, no wonder she is withdrawn

You cannot automatically assume your daughter is telling the full truth anyway....kids are great at non truths

Suck it up, talk to them rationally, aplogise for overreacting and let the children enjoy each other. The only one suffering is your daughter

[EscapeFrom]

Jogym you sound every bit as bitchy and petty as the very people you are whining about.

You are moaning about children. Do not get involved with the politics of children. It is not your job to worry about why such-and-such scratched so-and-so, it is your job to prevent it happening again. In an ADULT FASHION.

"You are SO wrong."

Come on now, is this an adult way to approach a situation? You sound like a nine year old girl yourself!

Drop the friends if you can't handle the infighting, and take your daughter to brownies, or swimming, or rainbows, or badgers, or anything else where you won't have to see them.

As for her stealing your daughter, well if you can't say 'NO' when you need to, you can't moan when people don't realise you're not in agreement to something.

[mummydoc]

I can see why you feel for your daughter but the comment about the other girl saying she was going to "* house but i can play with you tomorrow" actually strikes me as really kind and thoughtful of her? this happens with our next door neighbours, they often play with myy dd then bring her back and say " we are going to our other friends now and we will be playing again tomorrow" I don't see it as an issue. Can you perhaps ask the other parent and all the kids round for tea and chat through it all - the kids would probably love to see you all make up.

[Deludinoid]

I have to say I agree with Minorityrules. It sounds like the mum is reacting to your actions, not your daughter's, and I'd have to say I might have been annoyed too (not to the extent of the other mum but there you go) as it sounds like the fight was six of one, half a dozen of the other. You can't know who was to blame, brothers lie to get their sisters into trouble and your daughter played her part down when she first told you about it, so it would have been best to talk to the other mum and get the girls to apologise to each other or at least let it blow over between them instead of out and out blame.

I'm also really struggling over this part of your post:

"Her daughter actually came over to my daughter the other night and said <strong>*</strong>'s mum rang us at my granny's to invite us up to her house so I'm going up there but I can play with you tomorrow night if you want."

I dunno, it sounds like the situation maybe has made you a bit paranoid if this resulted in you not speaking to the neighbours as to me it seemed their daughter was just trying to be nice and make up for that day's lack of play.

But it's done so the only thing now is to learn from it and try and deal with similar situations in the future a bit more effectively. See if you can mend the rift with your neighbour and then the other mum or at least see if your daughter can. If not your daughter will have to make friends elsewhere. If I remember correctly as soon as other girls start seeing one has lots of friends they will want to be friends with her again.

Good luck.

[jogym]

I get all your views. I really did not want to get involved with my new neighbour in the beginning. She kind of forced herself on to us to entertain her daughter. My parents and in-laws told me all along that her daughter was too old and too bossy. How would u like it if your 7 year old changed dramatically in the year since they arrived. I had no choice. She practically took over what my daughter said and done for this whole year because I was too afraid to offend her. On one occasion when we were taking my mother in law out for lunch she invited herself along! I have not wanted her daughter to be my only daughter's friend. I was sick of her at my door two seconds after they got out of the car every day of the week and this was when I was trying to cope with a new baby. We had no privacy whatsoever they were at our door day and night. Whenever I would go over to get my daughter in for the night she would say will I send her over in a few more minutes and then not, I was constantly going over and saying she has to come in now'. We have no privacy whatsoever. Our back doors face each other and she can see right into our house. One time she even came over and said I saw you doing this and...' TBH I'm maybe a bit glad that things will maybe chill between them. This other mum was trying to do this all along and this was her opportunity. I'm sorry if it seems I overreacted but I never said my DD could not play with this other girl. They actually made friends again before this all happened!!! I said I didn't want her round anyone's back where I couldn't see her. I did not come on this site to be attacked but for some advice.

[wildwoman]

I think it's easier to be calm and rational on the outside of a situation like this, sorry youfeel under attack jogym, I agree some posters are being a little harsh.I do think however that you have things a little out of proportion, be the bigger person, ivite all the girls round for tea, that way your dd keeps her friends and you still don't have to be chummy with either of the mums.

[Deludinoid]

But advice is what you got?!

I wonder whether the whole situation between you and your neighbour is the subconscious reason for all this happening in the first place, it's just a shame for your daughter really. Although you sound a bit confused as to whether you wanted their friendship to end or not as you don't like the other girl being friends with her.

Incidentally I got the impression from your first post that you didn't want your daughter playing with the fight girl, what with not wanting her at your neighbour's when the other girl was there. Maybe it came across this way too to her mother?

All in all it's such an unnecessary shame the mums fell out even after the girls made up.

[Deludinoid]

I think that's a great idea of Wildwoman's btw.

[mytwopenceworth]

My advice would be to stay out of children's squables.

You can't control those around you so that everything is smooth and in your daughter's favour. Every mother wants to wade in and battle for their kids, but you just can't......Unless normal squabling becomes bullying, which, from your op, it was not. It was a row, which would have blown over and seen them all playing again in no time, if you'd have taken a deep breath, given you daughter a hug and stayed out of it.

Kids fight and they make up. And this, while upsetting for both parent and child at the time, is normal and indeed, an essential skill they have to learn - dealing with conflict. It's part of their socialisation (or whatever the term is now!)

At this age, I hate you becomes you're my best mate within 10 minutes - unless the parents get involved.

Step back and see a squable for what it is.

[jogym]

I would like to add that this isn't the first little `tiff' with this child. She has told my daughter she hated her, get out of my house and leave me alone when things didn't go her way and destroyed my daughter's possessions ie throwing new shoes and other items into water. I have said nothing up to now so maybe that is why I over reacted. I seen it coming. They have no respect for other kid's belongings. My daughter wouldn't say anything. So this was really the last straw. Sometimes you have to accept this and move on ie. try and find other friends not just say that these things happen because they're children and children do these things. My daughter would never do these kind of things.

[TiramisuTartsAndPiesInTheSky]

It seems to me that there is a lot you didnt say in your OP about the entire situation leading up to this event.

Maybe better as some posters have said to try find other friends for your daughter.