Postnatal Depression: The effects on children

[dejags]

I was wondering if this has been discussed before.

After DS1 was born I had PND (I thought it was quite bad but I am not sure how it is "graded", if at all).

After his birth I suffered from panic attacks, feeling anxious, insomnia and just had this overwhelming sense of things not being right. The panic attacks stopped by the time he was about 8 weeks old and I started on anti-depressants when he was 16 weeks old which really helped with the other symptoms.

I feel so terrible that I did not bond with my son until he was about 2 years old. When he was tiny I am horribly ashamed to say that I let him cry more than I should have. I felt so completely like a fish out of water I just didn't know how to handle him. The upshot of it was that he became very attached to his dad which made me feel even worse.

When DS was 2yrs7months I fell pg with no 2. Somehow this really triggered my maternal instinct which had been non-existent until this point. I became conscious of how much DS1 meant to me and life became normal - I adored him without having to try.

I recently gave birth to DS2 - and have gone the opposite way. I am totally overjoyed to be a mum to a tiny baby and gorgeous 3yr old, I can honestly say I didn't even really have a day of baby blues - I worry that this will cause problems in the future.

Does anybody know if this rocky start for DS1 will have a long term effect on him. Have there been any studies into the long-term effects of PND on the family?

Sorry that this has been so long.

[Ghosty]

Dejags ...
I could have written your post ... I am just stunned ... My situation is almost identical (only that my second was a DD and there is a 4 year gap). I have often had this run through my head and have always wondered what the long term effect will be on our family and particularly my DS.
One of the things I have said to DH is that in my heart I know that DD will be fine, chilled and happy throughout her life (How can I know that? She is only 8 months old ... but in my heart I know she will be ok because she had my heart from the minute she was born ...) but deep down I will always worry about DS as he didn't 'have me' when he was born IYSWIM ...
For example ... I, like you, let my DS cry a lot as a baby ... I had to ... I didn't feel I could do anything to make him happy.
But I have hardly ever let DD cry at all since the day she was born and so as a result she rarely cries ...
I will never ever know if my PND has shaped DS's personality ....

[dejags]

Ghosty - what is your relationship with your DS like now?

Your comment about your children "having your heart" has really touched a nerve with me. DS2 has had my unconditional, calm love from the minute he was born. DS1 had my unconditional, calm love the instant I knew I was pregnant but the wheels just fell off after he was born. I just didn't know what I was doing and hated everything.

We are quite close now but I have had to make a mammoth effort. I like you have no worries about DS2 - he is also calm and easy going. DS1 is my worry - I feel so guilty that I might leave him with problems.

Do you know if this has been discussed before?

[dejags]

Ghosty - I am also wondering if your parenting has differed with your children?

With DS1 I became obsessed with routine - I couldn't cope if he didn't follow GF to the letter. If he woke five mintues before the allotted time I became anxious and unhappy. With DS2 it is very different. I am keen to get some sort of routine going because I believe babies benefit from it but I am not anal about it. I don't let him cry if I can help it and am a lot more relaxed about meeting his needs vs maintaining control.

I have also spoken to somebody else who's situation virtually mirrored ours - maybe it's not that uncommon?

[suedonim]

Dejags, there has been a study on long-term effects of PND. I heard about it at an NCT conference about 4yrs ago. Maybe you could contact them (0870 444 8707) and see whether they still have the info. I think the work was carried out in the UK.

I had severe PND with my second baby but I don't know whether it affected him or not. I didn't have problems bonding with him, in fact the reverse really, finding it harder to deal with ds1 and almost smothering ds2 with love. But when I look back at photos of that period, my face is tripping me in almost all of them. As you may know, my boys are now in their 20's. I have a pretty good relationship with them though find ds2 a bit more work. He is quite a prickly character at times and you need to watch what you say to him. Whether that stems from PND, I can't say. It could also be because he and I are very alike in personality (I used to feel he was an extension of me or a mirror image when he was young) and we don't always like to see ourselves reflected in others!

[LJsmum]

dejags & Ghosty, I am another one. I also went through some pretty awful PND after ds was born and the lack of sleep/feeling completely like a fish out of water, probably made the whole thing worse. I, too, let him cry more than I should have. And like you dejags, ds became more bonded to his dad as a baby. Thank God for my parents who recognised the trauma I was going through, and took him a couple of days a week until I felt I could handle it better. They loved & nurtured him so much as a baby, I am so grateful that he had such an environment to go to. NOT that I ever treated him badly, but I just wasn't as bonded to him as I should've been and I don't know if it has affected him in any way.

Amazingly he has always been happy and outgoing as a child (he's 4), and I love him to bits. He is just the most important thing in my life and I shower him with affection & tell him I love him every day, but I will always remember how it was at the start.. and it makes me SO sad knowing that I could've done it better.

[MTS]

I was depressed when PG and had problems with an anxiety disorder as well, and I do worry about DS. I think though that showering ourselves with blame is no good; I think all we can do is just parent to the best of our abilities, showing love and acceptance to our children. It's one thing if any of these studies suggest ways we can help our children NOW. But another thing if they just become sticks to beat our own backs with.

[Ghosty]

Dejags ... I don't know if it has been discussed before ... I haven't seen it in a thread so this may be a new one.
My relationship with DS is very good now ... but very intense. I am very protective over him and even when he is hideously naughty I can't handle DH telling him off. I have to remove myself from the room and let DH get on with it otherwise DS tries to put on the tears for my benefit. I am heartbroken if anyone is horrible for him, I want to protect him from anything ... as a result he is very sensitive and emotional and can be quite anxious. It is only since DD was born that he will happily go to kindy without a fuss and play at other people's houses without me there ... in fact he now loves it when I am not around because he has a better time. If he falls over and I am not there he gets up and gets on with it but if I am there he screams like he is being tortured.
My parenting is totally different now with DD ... Like you I was obsessed with routine with DS ... A GF fanatic ... would also dissolve if he woke up at 1.55pm rather than 2pm ... and if he didn't eat, well, I was a mess.
Now, DD just falls asleep when she is tired ... eats when she is hungry ... I do have a routine but it isn't a problem if she does different things on different days. A friend commented the other day (she didn't know me when DS was a baby but we met when DS was 2) on how relaxed I was with DD ... compared to what I was like with DS before DD was born.
I had a long chat with an excellent family therapist recently who told me to 'let go' of the guilt. She said it most certainly was shaping DS' character and like MTS said, it was up to me to help him NOW rather than keep harking on about what a mess I was when he was a baby.
What makes me really sad is that I look at pictures of DS when he was the same age as DD is now and I truly can not remember those times. He looks so happy and healthy in those photos but the memories of those times are clouded in misery and self pity. I do regret that as I am loving every minute of DD now and wish I could have enjoyed him.
I enjoy his company now though, he is a great kid (a handful at times but what 4 year old isn't) ... funny, bright, articulate ... a great companion really. I love weekends when I can leave DD with DH for a couple of hours and take DS out on his own ... we go and have a 'coffee and a chat' every other Saturday ... bless ...

[woodstock]

I can identify with so much of what has been said about PND. I only have ds so can't say about a second child. I have wondered how it might affect him and started therapy and medication mainly for that in the beginning, although I needed it for myself too.

I guess this might be where all of the studies on first born, middle child, etc. may stem from. Surely this happens to a lot of first-time mums?