What do new parents argue over?

[Bea0001]

Hi,

I am very new to this; after being resolutley childfree the instinct to start a family has suddenly and unexpectedly kicked in. I have lots of questions, the one I would very much like your thoughts on at this stage is what are the key topics new parents argue over. I am hoping my husband and I will be able to get our views on these flash points agreed before the heat of the moment hits us (I recognise there may be a gulf between what we said we do and what we actually feel like doing at the time!) I look forward to your thoughts, and finding my way into what looks like a lovely community.

[clutteredup]

Welcome to MN
Big one for us and still is 3 dc later is the all time - 'I'm more tired than you' -BTW there is no competition, you win hands down every time (unless your DH plans to be a total habds on dad and let you sleep the whole time)









you could tell him that's what all dhs do these days.

[legalalien]

• who is the most tired / has had the most sleep (think, competitive fatigue)

- whether it is or isn't OK to take "shortcuts", particularly when neither of you has the foggiest idea what you're doing

- whether it is /isn't feasible / desirable to take a long journey somewhere / spend the night somewhere (person who does the night feeds too tired to be bothered)

- whether DH/DP (if it is a he and if he works full time) ought to be able to make it home earlier

it's all coming back to me now......

[legalalien]

cluttered up - x-post - definitely the competitive fatigue one, then

[SpawnHorcrux]

Well had discussions about whether or not the DCs would be raised as vegetarians ( like DH) or not.

Other than that, it was trivial stuff, like how to walk down the stairs while holding a baby (his preference: upright, facing forwards, baby held casually in the crook of his arm, my preference: clutching baby so tightly that it's eyes began to bulge, while hugging the bannister).

[Saturn74]

Welcome.

We were too tired to argue about anything, even who was the most tired, for about the first ten years!

Now the children are older, DH and I are starting to realise that we irritate each other quite a lot, so they must have been a good distraction!

[popsycal]

competitive fatigue - agree

also whose turn it is to do the pooey nappies...

[puppydavies]

everything

[legalalien]

oh, and "how dare you sleep so soundly when I wake up at every snuffle".

Not really an argument, but passive aggression.

[nailpolish]

whose turn it is (with everything - from who's driving on a night out to nappy changing)

why baby is crying

money

cleaning the toilet

the price of bacon

[GColdtimer]

Competitive fatigue was and still is a bit one for us.

Also, getting some sleep vs making a rod for your own back. For example, DH would always want to go down the quickest and easiest route to get dd to sleep/back to sleep - rocking, dummy, milk, car journeys, etc whilst I was much more keen to teach her good sleep habits so to avoid making a "rod for our own backs". In hindsight, we could have both met each other in the middle a bit more.

But that is this other thing, when you are so tired your ability to reason and your sense of perspective in severely inhibited. I once went round to our neighbours like a screaming banshee in her pjs because their music was a bit too loud at 11PM. I honestly think that sleep deprivation is actually the cause of most arguments, whatever the subject matter.

[clutteredup]

lol spawn, i was the same with ds, dh couldn't hold him tight enough......dd2 otoh i now throw around like a football withut a care in the world.. i'd forgotten all that!

[DarrellRivers]

Suddenly we realised we had never discussed our views on private V state education, discipline methods, religious upbringing..
Alll in all , loads of really important stuff, which we ended up talking about angrily and hormone fuelled throughout pregnancy which was really not a good idea.
For some reason I thought I had to discuss it all before the baby was born.
Stood us in good stead as we were frankly too shattered to think porperly for ages after birth

[sauce]

Haven't read through this thread but can answer immediately: new parents can argue over everything and anything because of insecurity and sleep deprivation.

[gingerninja]

Ha, Ha. It's easier to list won't new parents don't argue about. I thought we were the worst but I feel reassured when I read some of the posts on mnet. Tiredness, stress and responsibility really are a recipie for arguments and that sure is what having a baby does for you.

[bumperlicious]

Legalalien - I can perfect that statement with just a glare!

[BandofMothers]

who's more tired,
who had more sleep last night,
who should get to lie in,
who should cook,
money is a biggie,
ummmmmmmmmmm......

[bubblagirl]

hi the most common arguments if your in the house all day you think they have freedom even if working

not having any you time to wash hair breathe ect

not helping enough you feel you do everything lol

definatly being so tired you forget own babies name lol...yes i did that

about how they handle baby you tend to try to tell them what to do well i did lol

sleeping through all night time routines them not you and then having to do all day too

hope not scaring you lol we had all chats before baby came what we would do how he would help but circumstances change and a new baby changes people all you can do is understand him and expect him to understand and support you too it is hard life changing but also wonderful and make time for each other its easy for baby to overtake and forget about each other and keep talking good luck it is fab but hard work as long as you stay strong and supportive together it'll all work out

[ChristmasPud]

Dh going out for fun and getting to see lots of people.
Me feeling caged and lonely.

humph

[motherinferior]

Oh Christ, you name it. Things you never even knew were possible to generate arguments. I think, essentially, you have to agree that you're not actually going to split up during this period - mainly because it would be just too tiring to do so - and kind of make it through to a point where you find yourself agreeing about something (other than the fabulousness of your child) again.

[LaCerbiatta]

Just because I was on mat leave dh thought I should do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping etc. He never understood that looking after a newborn was just as much of a full time job as his, except a more tiring, intense one.
And how to deal with the sleeping, leave dd to cry or not.

[motherinferior]

Bea, sweetheart, if you would like to have kids, go ahead. I seriously don't think you can solve anything much in advance. Just go for it. Most people get through.

[Sheherazadethegoat]

all of the below but personally dh and i were never closer than the few weeks afterwards. it is an amazing time.

[GColdtimer]

actually, you are right there. I had sort of forgotten that. As well as a difficult time, it is also very, very special.

[barbamama]

First time:

"Shit he's just been sick, pass the muslin cloth, quick"
"The what?"
"The Fing muslin cloth thing"
"No not that that's a babygro"
"Oh for Fs sake I'll get it myself"

"Can you stick the steriliser on"
"Er yes sure that's the thing in the kitchen isn't it, how do I do it again?"
see

"What time is it?"
"5:00 , surely he doesn't want another feed yet?"
"Can you pass me the baby?"
"Hello? Are you awake?"
see

ad infinitum for the first year.

Second time: nothing hopefully!

[paolosgirl]

All these AND more, esp. the first time. DH used to insist that DS1 was changed on the mat with 3 (had to be 3) sheets of kitchen towel folded JUST SO, under his bum in case he weed (DS that is, not DH). The man was mad...we used to argue a lot about that, and pretty much everything else!

Anyone who thinks a baby will mend a broken relationship is in for a shock!