Toddler group what should i expect?

[mrshedgehog]

I attend a local baby/toddler coffee group and some of the other childrens behaviour is making me feel uncomfortable - not sure if I'm just a paranoid first time mum !! Hitting other children is becoming common and today a 3 year old pushed my 1 year old over 3 times. They were told to say sorry each time but carried on the behaviour regardless with no further consequences. I don't think saying sorry repeatedly is enough - am I expecting too much? I'm thinking about not taking my child any more !!

[nickytwotimes]

mrshedgehog, i am in the process of setting up a pre-toddler group for this very reason!

[morningpaper]

Yes this sounds pretty normal

Find a group for younger children - or wait a while until you take your child again - or just get used to it

[lulumama]

that is what toddlers do!

you are expecting too much i;m afraid....your DC will be doing the pushing and shoving at some point in the future

when DD , 23 months, pushes, or does something naughty, I ask her to say sorry to the other child, and then stroke them / hug or show niceness in some way...

i'm afraid it is part of toddlerhood and is not really something you can avoid

[tigerschick]

Have to say that I agree with MP. The one I go to can be a bit 'boisterous' with different levels of discipline from parents but that is to be expected. Hope you find a happy conclusion soon

[mummydoit]

There will be pushing, hitting, taking toys off each other and even biting. I'm afraid this is perfectly normal behaviour. If it's a good group, the mums will make the children apologise. There are groups where mums take no notice of their kids and don't intervene. If it's one of those, leave! If it's one or two children repeatedly offending, take your child off to play somewhere else in the hall with different toys. It's easy to feel very protective of LOs but they do need exposure to this sort of thing so they can learn what is acceptable and unacceptable, both by their own behaviour and that of other's. If you feel one or two children are extremely badly-behaved, you could have a word with the playgroup leader and see if she could talk to the mother.

[mrshedgehog]

lulamama that's what I was thinking but i think the transtition from dc on your lap (very protected) to just toddling off unprotected esp when there's hysterics at the smallest wobble/fall is a bit tricky at first - thanks for your advice. I'm gonna harden up a bit !!

[lulumama]

it is hard when you have a little one, and no toddlers of your own to compare to !

if the mothers are intervening, then fine..

if she enjoys it apart from that, keep going!

[lucyellensmum]

don't harden up, this is not acceptable behaviour, of course it is NORMAL behaviour but the mothers should at least keep it in check. If your DD is continuously exposed to children doing this, she is going to think it is ok to hit and push. I go to lots of toddler groups and ive never had a problem, it sounds like you may need to find a new group. The only time i had a problem was at a soft play centre where the mother was more interested in chatting with her friends than controlling her thug of a son, i just didn't go back as this really upset my DD (20M) as she is not used to this behaviour and she becuse really upset for a while when other children approached her.

[lulumama]

does your toddler never push / shove etc..

of course it is normal. and if the mothers are intervening, i don;t see it as a problem

no, it is not acceptable, but short of never taking toddlers anywhere ,it is going to happen

[mrshedgehog]

Most of their behaviour is learnt and we can't change that !! I've experienced places like that where people seem to forget they actually have a lo with them - easily done I guess !! Our group can be a bit embarrassing though as its quite small about 5 mums on average and in peoples houses- so 1 lo or 2 hitting babies on the head or pushing smaller ones over etc gets noticed more than groups in halls where there are 20 lo running around doing all sorts.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[lucyellensmum]

my DD hasnt pushed or hit anyone YET! she is only 22m so im sure it is around the corner, she is quite a submissive wee thing though but yes, im sure it will come. I'n not saying it should be punished for heaven sake, but the OP reported that this is happening to her child ALOT, so clearly the mothers are not controlling it. I would just expect some concern on part of the other mothers and a quiet explanation to their DC's that we must to quote DD1s school, "keep our hands and feet to ourselves and be kind"

[mrshedgehog]

Of course not !! I didn't know what to expect/think hence posting the message for discussion/opinion. But pushing then saying sorry, then 5 mins later pushing again, saying sorry then 5 mins later pushing over again I and saying sorry just made me feel they were't understanding somewhere along the line ! Some interesting points made though.

[lucyellensmum]

Pruners, if the discipline is applied after the event, wouldnt that be a little pointless?

[fillyjonk]

its normal

its normal for this to happen

its normal for it to happen a LOT

its not a sign of pathology or poor parenting. its a sign of being a 3 yo.

no offence but-probably best to reserve judgement of what a 3 yo "should" do and what a 3 yo's parents "should" do until you actually have one. Because until you have, all 3 yos will look like huge rampagings things. And they are NOT, they are just slightly bigger toddlers. They don't listen to reason or anything really, thats part of the fun.

[fillyjonk]

and no its not, not necessaily lucyellensmum

look i am not trying to be patronising but you WILL understand perfectly in about a year and a bit, hoenstly.

[lulumama]

what filly said....


there is not a lot you can do with 2 yr old or 3 yr olds who keep pushing....except keep removing them from the play for a moment, to chastise. and encouraging an apology

it happens when children are older..always argy bargy in the playground,roughhousing and horse play.

[lucyellensmum]

i don't currently have a 3 year old, i didnt realise that was the qualifying criteria for this thread. I do have a 2 year old AND a 17 year old, does that qualify me to express an opinion?

[lucyellensmum]

another funny thing, i go to a huge play group, lots of very well behave three year olds there, well either that or perhaps they just too scared of me to pick on my dd! I do understand that this is normal behaviour but isn't it a little sad when a mother feels she may not return to a M&T group due to the unchecked behaviour of other children. But then i suppose i am the perfect mother of two perfect children so it is easy for me to say

[lulumama]

no-one said you could not express an opinion ! just my opinion differs from yours

a 3yr old pushing a 1 yr old 3 times and being chastised is not a reason to not attend a playgroup anymore IMHO

and if anyone finds a toddler group without any pushing, shoving, biting , grabbing or anything like that, great !!

[ruddynorah]

you need to try a few groups to find one you feel comfortable with. i have been to quite a few and have now settled on 2 that we like.

my dd is one, she likes groups with max age 2. anything more than that and it's too chaotic, kids riding round on bikes. she's only just walking so it's not much fun for her. the groups which we like are more like 8 months to 2 years, so just walking, not really riding bikes etc. but not real baby groups where they're all on play gyms, then it's just boring.

so we found a couple of good groups. she likes it, i like it, nice mums, nice kids, i guess it just comes down to luck half the time. otherwise, set your own group up with a set age limit.

[fillyjonk]

well when I hear someone expressing an opinion it does make a difference to me whether they have actual, current experience of the matter in hand, tbh. I take them a lot more seriously if i know they understand the otehr side of the coin.

kids hit. its life. you are not going to find a toddler group where no one hits your kid, and as for apologising-different parents DO have different standards. i get my kids to apologise but couldn't care less if others don't-why would i want an apology from a baby on legs?

[nappyaddict]

i once went to a toddler group with my cousin who was 3 at the time. it was full of younger babies (and i don't mean 1 year olds i mean 2 month olds.) which i found quite bizarre as it was a toddler group and it wasn't like they could join in with the playing and arts and crafts. but it proves their are toddler groups with younger children so maybe you could find one of those?

[nappyaddict]

discipline after the event is not pointless. many parents use pasta jars, reward charts etc. it could be that at the end of the day they got a face on their chart or some pasta taken out of their jar. not everyone does timeout/naughty corner.

[Homebird8]

I started a baby group (BabyTalk) when my DS1 was a few weeks old with some other mums and their babies. I always envisaged a second group for them when they got bigger (BabySteps) but it never happened. Firstly, mums kept on joining the baby group as the original ones turned into toddlers and we couldn't just abandon the new people. Secondly, we started to have our next pregnancies and babies and then couldn't only take the baby to one group and the toddler to another.
Families are whole enterprises and cannot be split into age groups for different groups. Having said that, some groups at particular times are populated by children of more or less the same age as each other and there may be one near you with children more your LO's age. It probably means that the mums will all be first timers and a bit of experience in a group is often welcomed as long as advice is given as an anecdote of what worked for them and not an instruction to do it!
Hope you sort it out but I'd just keep going if you both enjoy it otherwise and keep close contact with your LO if you're worried about what might happen.