In a parenting-rut or maybe it's a life rut. Does it really get easier once they start school?

[ekra]

I feel like I am in a total rut, just waiting for my eldest DD1 to get to school in September. My youngest is 20 months.

I love having two children and find them a lot of fun when there are other adults around but I don't enjoy spending time with both of them when I am alone. I don't seem to be able to enjoy them.

Most of our week is spent rushing around taking DD1 to Pre-school and back. The youngest goes to a CM 2 mornings a week whilst I study at home. The afternoons are governed by DD2's unpredictable nap - which can last one hour or two hours plus. Then I seem to spend the late afternoon tidying up and getting ready for dinner.

We have one day per week when DD1 doesn't go to pre-school and I look forward to that as we have a freer day but when the day arrives, I don't feel motivated to do much with the two children.

I feel like I should be cherishing this time but really, I am just riding out the time until I have DD2 at home with me and I can hopefully work p/t again (once I finish studying)

DD1 is a hectic child. The activities I looked forward to doing with her when she reached this age have turned out not to be fun. And coping with two children appears to have zapped my energy and initiative and I don't know how to enjoy spending time with her anymore. Does it matter? Will it all even out when she goes to school? Or is there something I can do now (with a toddler in tow!) to make our time together more enjoyable.

[MarieCeleste]

Honestly, it's much easier when they start school, partly because they will start being invited on playdates, which will give you more time. And you'll have a readymade social life in the form of the other parents, which is much better than being on your own. The pre-school years are IMO the pits.

[Chopster]

I have a very lively dt, and I've found that it is only fun with him if it is ver active. I can't do crafty things liek I could with the others. Jigsaws or books are a no no. We have a garden full of toys and go out a LOT.

It is a pain when you have preschool runs too, as it limits what you can do. THe weather is nice now though, I would pack up lunch then go out somewhere once you've collected her. Then dd2 can sleep in the pushchair.

Are there any good parks nearby, or farms or anything like that where you could buy a season pass? I've got legoland, so we are going there loads. The great thing about having toddlers is that they are still free entry to most places, so it is cheap to take them for really nice days out.

[Chopster]

oh and sorry I didn't answer your question, yes it is easier when they start school. I hate the holidays when I have all four at home!

[mumto2girls]

Hi hon, DD1 is at school all day and I have DD2 here who isn't due to start nursery until September. I think I will find it easier when she is at nursery also, but saying that I do enjoy the weekends when we all together.

Have you got a circuit of friends, that you could maybe start a coffee morning one day a week where you have a chance to have a gossip and a chat.

Find some games to play with them that they both like, mine strangely like me to give them a duster they go round the house then polishing everything!

I hope you find a solution, but remember they won't be this little for long!

[choosyfloosy]

I loathe weekends and in our house it's TGIM (thank God it's Monday).

Preschool is hard because it's so short. (you know that).

Does your school do any lunchtime daycare? I don't know if this is common - at our preschool you can book chunks of daycare - e.g. ds goes to preschool at 12.40 to 3.10 but could be booked in at 11.15 to cover lunch. I've only done it once as I felt at 3.4 he was a bit young but actually he LOVED it. If it exists, what about doing that maybe one day a fortnight or something so that you just have one day that is quieter?

studying is very hard. Have you got exams? Mine are over next Friday thank goodness.

Take a picnic and them to the park instead of dinner sometimes.

[Aloha]

I'd suggest organising your one day a week when DD1 doesn't go to playschool well in advance - ie finding some other people who have children roughly the right age (maybe through your dd's preschool) and make a date to do something all together - even if it is just playing at each other's houses or, better, going to a farm or children's zoo or something. Or find a music group or playgroup locally you can both of them to and get some adult company. I think it is quite hard to be on your own with two very different small children at different stages. I took my five year old and two year old to Battersea Park zoo at half term and that was enjoyable, but would have been more enjoyable with another adult to talk to and do stuff like watch the kids while I popped to the loo etc.
I am a madwoman who actually enjoys doing stuff like Ikea or the supermarket with both of them. There are always children who are more badly behaved, for a start , and I like the cakes at Ikea and so do the children.

[Aloha]

I break it up a bit by doing stuff like letting them have their bath in the paddling pool in the garden while I have a cup of tea or a glass of wine.
And the telly is a godsend. There is no law that says you have to love every minute. I like it best when they are around and happy and I am busy doing something else tbh!

[Mog]

Aloha - we sometimes only go to Ikea for the cakes and coffee

[kath81]

DD1 is at school and DD2 goes to pre-school in the mornings, so I just have ds (17 months) at the mo. It has got easier as they've started school especially as dd2 is a difficult little madam at times, she so needs the time at pre-school.

I can really relate to how you are feeling and still have days when I feel like that I think the best thing is trying to get out as much as possible, I go mad if I'm stuck at home to long!

[ekra]

THanls everyone for responding.

DD1 goes to a pre-school in a different area so it's in the car and out of the car there and back, there and back. At least when she starts school we'll be able to walk and I think that will start the day off better.

Actually, I do have 2/3 groups I can go to with one or both chidlren per week. Sometimes I prefer to spend that time running errands though (we ended up doing that today with distrous consequences!here ). It's the late afternoons at home and the long drawn out morning waiting to leave for pre-school that are my worst times.

Being a student with very young children is awful. It's taken me 5 years to complete what some people manage in one year full time and I have to admit it does cause added stress and tension. I'm due to finish at the end of the year, thankfully.

[tuppy]

2 littles is hard work without a doubt. My eldest 2 are much older now but I do remember when 1 was at a.m. nursery and the other (21m younger) at home. There were a few things I could do with just a toddler, but longer trips, eg a train ride to somewhere different were not possible with a midday pick up for ds1 !
I now have 4, the youngest at preschool mornings only. The day is so broken up and i must admit I'm looking forward to September when he can do a couple of full days.

[lilolilmanchester]

Ekra, Ijust wanted to say how much I admire you studying and looking after children. Sounds to me like you are knackered and a bit down in the dumps. Any opportunities to get some time just for you, perhaps in the evenings after they've gone to bed? I know you have your studying to do, but you need a complete break every now and again, to refresh your energy levels which will help with both your studying and your children?? Even just to go for a swim/join a salsa class/go for a walk etc? Anyone with a child in pre-school who has another child similar age to your youngest, who you could make friends with and perhaps spend the pre-school time with them every now and again without having to go home? Or get them to pick your child up so you have a bit longer? And you can return the favour another time?

[newgirl]

invite another child for tea as they will go off and play with your eldest and break up the time more - i find im more creative when there is another child to entertain too!

or invite the mum too and open the wine or biscuits - say I'm bored would you like to come over so they know they are welcome to stay. and hopefully they will return the invite too.

[ekra]

Actually, I think I am more creative and find it easier to entertain two children the same age so I'll try and step-up the play dates for the next few weeks.

Thank you everyone for your ideas. It all seems so obvious but yes, I have definitely reached a slump period where I can't see the wood for the trees. I have lots of good things planned for September and for when I finish studying. It feels like life is on hold at the moment.

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

You could be me! I hate this motherhood thing. Today I've really just about had it. I have two adorable kids but I'm totally fed up being with them all the time and telling them what to do, what not to wreck etc. I am counting the days until DS starts playgroup so I can have 2 hours a morning to myself. DD is already at nursery. I am knackered, fed up and pissed off, totally and utterly pissed off. I can't even get the motivation up to even think about work again, I have lost all interest in anything other than dreaming of when they are both in bed, even then the youngest is still usually up twice a night. If I ever for a minute realised that this was what it would be like I really do think I would have stayed single and childless.

From the selfish, bad mother whose ridden with guilt. There!

[ekra]

Sorry to hear that Voluptua. People say it gets easier as they get older.

It's amazing how motherhood zaps your motivation for things you'd normally enjoy or excel at in life. I know what you mean about work. I am going to start off very part-time (hopefully).

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Thanks Ekra. Am feeling like *t today. Have a really bad chesty cough, just want to lie in my bed and for someone to look after me. Eventually got up off my lazy ass to make dinner for the kids and neither of them ate it. I really could scream. Felt obliged to give them something relatively healthy as I copped out at lunchtime and gave them beans and sausages. I can hardly keep my eyes open and DH is away abroad on business AGAIN on Saturday. I've hardly smiled in what seems like yonks!

[BaffledByBabyTights]

Another fed up one here - my 3 have been taling it in turns to whinge today so I think I have only had 10 or so minutes without someone yelling at me that the world is about to end. I am badly overdue to study myself but simply do not have the energy. I want to lie down and have peeled grapes brought to me by David Tennant....... (and then have the baby whisperer make my kids 1)sleep through, 2) not maim each other 3)play nicely with each other while I try and get my life back on track.

[redheadmum]

slightly late to the board....but I too could have written that post! I have a 41/2 yr old dd due for school in sept and a 2yr old ds who doesn't nap!

the one activity I have found that they can more or less do together is swimming. I do try and go with one or two friends though as it's tough keeping an eye on both of them.

its actually good to hear that someone else is finding it tough....I've been feeling hugely guilty at how much I'm looking fwd to school.......

[oneplusone]

Me too. I've got a nearly 4 year old and 14 month old and the elder one who is pretty much full time at kindergarten will be home all day for the holidays in less than 2 weeks time and I am DREADING it. I've been at home for 4 years and I really feel like I've had enough of it now, but at the same time don't want to go back to work just to get away from the kids. Have tried to find a part time nannny/childminder just so I can have a break every now and then but nobody wants to work part time it seems. Feel fed up and guilty as well for not enjoying my kids especially as MIL and others are always saying they grow up so quickly you should enjoy this time etc etc.

They're not growing up quick enough as far as I'm concerned and I too find myself thinking about how life would be if it were just me and DH again, we could lie in at the weekend, go out for meals without a vomitting child in the highchair, go on holidays without whinging children, watch tv without having to run upstairs every 5 minutes.............

[Weegle]

1+1 - seen you on another thread too... can you speak to some local nurseries and see if they can take your youngest for half a day a week? Make sure it's during school time and then that can be YOUR time. Sounds like you really need it. I only have one and am a SAHM but he goes to nursery Wednesday afternoon and it's fab. My time. If I'm knackered I can go to bed. If not I can go to the pub for lunch with a friend, or shopping with no pushchair, or just sit at home with a cuppa and a book and a bath! Knowing I have that time is fab. And although it's only 4 hours I can get house stuff done and still have a good few hours to chill as well as fit in a weekly hospital appointment. And DS gets so much from that half day, he does wonderful things at nursery.

[oneplusone]

Hi, Weegle, yours is a very good suggestion but I think sometimes I am my own worst enemy, as I would like to leave the youngest one at a nursery/daycare but then I worry about all those reports about daycare being bad for children under 3. But then I guess just one or two mornings a week wouldn't hurt, the rest of the time he's with me. I am going to look into that but I think it won't be possible until september as around here everything seems to shut down for the summer and the summer playschemes and other activities that are on are mostly only suitable for age 5+. So that's why I find the holidays really difficult, if they were both over 5 it would be great as there would be LOADS for them to do, but that's at least 4 years away.

I feel better today as DH is back from his business trip, I think i was feeling a bit lonely without him around and I didn't hear DS screaming til 6.05am and for me to wake up after 6am is equivalent to a lie in!

Thanks for all your support and I'm sorry there are others who feel the same as me but it does make me feel soooo much better to know I'm not the only one. If only we could arrange a meet for the fed up mums only, we could then all just meet and moan instead of having to look happy and smiley and pretend we love being at home with the kids all day!